Hopeless and burned out

  • Thread starter Thread starter alex112
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

alex112

Guest
Hi…New to CA, tho I listen often and have been Catholic for 22 years now. Converted from Evangelical.
Both my husband and I are leaders in our church. We have been married for 26 years, BUT we have a very superficial relationship. There is little intimacy between us. We have followed church teachings on b. control and such and are faithful to prayer, etc. Our life has been extremely demanding. We have cared for his Mother who was ill when we married, our entire marriage.( We live with her.) We also have had ill kids and other demanding issues.
I am afraid to talk to anyone since we are so well known in the community here. And I am afraid to get either a “toughen up” or some kind of smarmy answer. I just feel hopeless. As long as things are superficial and “spiritual”, we are OK, but if the veneer comes off at all, we end up hurting each other.
He will not consent to counselling.
If something happens between us, he uses gifts and such to smooth it over, but it is just making me more angry. I am almost always the one who want to work things out. There seems to always be a crisis or some ministry with the church or our family that interferes with our relationship. Sex has been totally unsatisfactory for me, always.
I am just so sad. I feel trapped.
I know I have my issues, too and have tried hard to work on them in counselling.
Please help and DO not tell me to pray harder.
I want to do it God’s way, but I feel unable to trust right now.
I want him to cherish me, to put me first and quit sidelining my emotional needs. He usually blames me for feeling hurt.
 
Alex you sound as though you are in such pain with all of this.
from what you have said it sounds as though you are enduring the emotions of “nothingness” … which in a marriage, I understand can be very isolating.
I strongly suggest that you both go on a Catholic retreat for couples, get in touch with your Arch diocese, you may need to travel a bit for this.
Another suggestion is perhaps to reflect on the centrality of Love in marriage.

1.Is it romantic love you are missing? Are you missing the excitement and thrill that comes with romantic love? Maybe you are unable to convey this to your husband.
  1. Is this marriage built on a platform of ‘brotherly-sisterly’ Agape love for each other? Is that still there? Or has bitterness started to erode even that? Even when romantic love is less intense, or seems to evaporate over the years. The Agape love is what binds.
  2. To get love, I need to give love. Do you have the patience to try this for a few days? This really sounds like a tough thing to do when one is so angry. But great Grace can change your heart during this exercise. It means dealing with pride and commitment during these days of trying things another way. But remember also the Holy Spirit will act upon you.
I won’t tell you to pray if you’ve had enough and feel burned out… but I will pray for you my sister. I hope that others who read your post will pray for you too until you are moved to pray for yourself again 🙂
Pax Christi
 
Thanks for the support. You guys are very sweet.
Yes, I DO give him love…I really do, but I’m just so darned tired of trying. And yeah, I am bitter, I think. I am mostly just bitter toward myself because the needs I have seem to bug him so much. I can’t stop wanting the intimacy…the reality of being a married couple and not just partners …but I don’t even trust enough to ask at this point.
I feel like my leading is the problem. He doesn’t want to address anything, saying he does not want to talk about it. So…here I am. It just burdens him to deal with emotional stuff…it’s hard for him, I guess. He comes from a very stoic background.
So, I’m kinda waiting for him to want to be closer. Tough not giving him the cold shoulder. I know that my righteousness in this is vital. Maybe God will give him the desire to really want our relationship to be close…
Praying to the Holy Family and JP2.
 
Another thing you may want to try is going to counseling by yourself if he won’t go. It may not change his actions, but it may help you to be better able to deal with the situation. Hope you are able to find the peace and help that you need.
 
Yep. You be burned out.

I have been told that one trick of marriage is to not to have both partners get crazy or burned out at the same time. Great trick if it can happen. 🤷

My wife and I do a lotta Pro - Life work. We expect to fight, even some times rather harshly, during those times. Evil always attacks peole that engage in good works.
We just grit our teeth and deal. We know that after the ‘big push’ is over things will generally return to normal.

But that is just us.

Your situation is your unique situation. Wish I had more to say…

Deeeep Siiiiighhh…
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particular (Alex112), and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.
 
Hi, Alex, I’m so sorry you are in this place. I’ll try and keep the smarm to a minimum! First, this concerns me:
alex112 said:
I am afraid to talk to anyone since we are so well known in the community here… I just feel hopeless. …I am just so sad. I feel trapped.
Click to expand...
These are the kinds of thoughts people have when they start to think about suicide. I just want to bring it up because feeling like you have no options is a very dangerous place to be. So be careful of yourself because we are not going there. Okay?

Now - hmmmm. Well, we can’t possibly know much, but it sounds like you and he have been give, give, giving for a really long time and not getting much back. You need something from him but he feels like he’s already given it all away.

I have a few ideas. 1 - Stop giving a darn about what anyone thinks - seriously - this is your life we are talking about and I guarantee a whole bunch of women feel like you do who are putting on the same front your are. 2 - Walk away from all the Parish stuff. Really, give someone else a chance to be a bulwark! 😉 Use that time for yourself. Go take a class or do meditation or take a walk or sleep or… just let go of it all. Tell your husband it’s okay if he does the same. Maybe he wants to go fishing or something.

Maybe you guys should try just going on a few dates and get to know each other again. I dunno. Do you still like him at all? Is there anything you do that’s fun? Maybe instead of a lot of therapy you could just learn line dancing. I know it sounds stupid, but - you sound like you’ve had very demanding hard lives and have built up resentments. Maybe if you could have some fun together and get to be friends again you’d feel like you are facing life as a team and not as two strangers on a forced march.

If nothing else works, at least explore with yourself the idea of separation. Not that I’m suggesting it but you have to not feel hopeless and like you have no choices. You do. But mostly, I say, make a more rewarding life for yourself. And if you hate sex stop having it.
 
“No matter what problem I may encounter, let me never lose hope.” It sounds to me that you are in need of an emotional connection, validation and appreciation from your spouse. You really deserve that. I agree with the other posters, that you should seek counseling, perhaps first to a priest–in your parish or another. I will pray for you, your spouse, and family. God bless you.
 
Phah! Counseling Schmounseling. That is always the knee jerk reaction. A good simple well timed heart felt talking when not fighting, in a calm voice that does not imply he has errored right off the bat, would serve you better methinks. Diplomacy. All is diplomacy.

A lot of women I have discussed with my male friends wave the “c- word” (counseling) like a battle axe that is going to ‘make’ the man do her bidding.

*Diplomacy *once again.
 
alex112 said:
… I feel like my leading is the problem. He doesn’t want to address anything, saying he does not want to talk about it. So…here I am. It just burdens him to deal with emotional stuff…it’s hard for him, I guess. He comes from a very stoic background.
So, I’m kinda waiting for him to want to be closer…
Click to expand...
Have you tried the book “The 5 Love Languages”? If so, what did that tell you about your husband’s natural ways of showing love?

For instance, I once thought of my father as not showing love, as being stoic. Then my sister-in-law came along. She realized that my dad liked getting hugs very much…but had no idea how to initiate one! Only then did I realize that she was right: he would kind of hang around and it was clear as day he wanted to be hugged. It embarrassed him to have this pointed out, but he loved being hugged! He also showed his love by doing things. Before I went off to college he’d do all sorts of stuff to my car, get it all safe, then he’d come in and let me know that it was taken care of. That’s how he showed love…by making sure everything was in working order.

You may be asking your husband to show his emotional connection to you in ways that are totally counter to his nature, while ignoring what he does to show he cares about you. It may be that he doesn’t know how to deal with emotional stuff because he thinks that he’s supposed to fix it, while that machine is a total black box to him. He doesn’t realize that all he has to do is register what you’re going through, and not fix anything!

I give those only as possible examples; you two may have an entirely different situation. The book has helped a great many couples see that they are much more loving than they thought. It’s no guarantee to be a help, but it is worth a look, if you haven’t seen it.
 
EasterJoy said:
I give those only as possible examples; you two may have an entirely different situation. The book has helped a great many couples see that they are much more loving than they thought. It’s no guarantee to be a help, but it is worth a look, if you haven’t seen it.
Click to expand...
I thought this was a very smart post.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particular (Alex112), and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you.

Amen.

†
 
Hey Everyone…
I am surprised at the kindness and authenticity of your replies. It has helped me a lot just to have someone else other than my squirrel brain to talk with and it is really nice to have someone else’s words on a page other than my own thoughts. I can FEEL your prayers and you know, that gives me hope.
I have been mostly letting things cool and it is interesting, The Lord has been talking with me about the verses concerning “coming apart for a season of prayer”. I am getting a new wrinkle on it. Reacting is just so easy to do. I have so much hurt and built up fear that I panic and want to work things out, perhaps too soon.
Yeah, the counselling thing has been a bomb for him. I think it is a huge threat. I have always found it so helpful, but maybe not for him. Will try the love languages book. I already know that ours are pretty different.
The core of the problem for me is that we got together because we are both true lovers of ministry. We are both gifted in that area. We don’t even sit together at church…we are involved in ministry and need to sit in differing areas in the church building. (I direct choir) Our love for God’s people is a great bond we share, but it seems our life is so often directed OUT, to elderly relatives, needy folks, kids…duty, duty, duty. This has been our relationship from the start. We were never lovers. And there is a big part of him that does not want or know how to be that way. His mode is work. And to him, it seems right and responsible.
But for me, I am tired. The constant demands of our life and the foundation it was formed on have exhausted something in me.
I have been trying to let it be…to just rest with Jesus. I feel that until there is a basic change in what he wants out of life, all my cajoling will just be a threat or a nag.

Am I OK in this? Is it OK to let it go and let God handle it? I am not giving my H the cold shoulder, but I am giving a distance, not just rushing in to fill the void. It’s very new for me. Thoughts?
 
alex112 said:
Am I OK in this? Is it OK to let it go and let God handle it? I am not giving my H the cold shoulder, but I am giving a distance, not just rushing in to fill the void. It’s very new for me. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Sounds to me like the Holy Spirit has been whispering in your ear. “Let go and let God” is what we are ALL supposed to be doing, IMO. I just don’t think we are very good at it.

You sound like two Marthas married to one another. But now, perhaps, it’s time for you to be a Mary, to sit in stillness with your Lord. You get to find a way for yourself and that’s okay. And he gets to be who he is and that’s also okay.

But I want you to do one “practical thing.” Go have your thyroid level checked. Simple blood test, no biggie.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
alex112 said:
Hey Everyone…
I am surprised at the kindness and authenticity of your replies. It has helped me a lot just to have someone else other than my squirrel brain to talk with and it is really nice to have someone else’s words on a page other than my own thoughts. I can FEEL your prayers and you know, that gives me hope.
I have been mostly letting things cool and it is interesting, The Lord has been talking with me about the verses concerning “coming apart for a season of prayer”. I am getting a new wrinkle on it. Reacting is just so easy to do. I have so much hurt and built up fear that I panic and want to work things out, perhaps too soon.
Yeah, the counselling thing has been a bomb for him. I think it is a huge threat. I have always found it so helpful, but maybe not for him. Will try the love languages book. I already know that ours are pretty different.
The core of the problem for me is that we got together because we are both true lovers of ministry. We are both gifted in that area. We don’t even sit together at church…we are involved in ministry and need to sit in differing areas in the church building. (I direct choir) Our love for God’s people is a great bond we share, but it seems our life is so often directed OUT, to elderly relatives, needy folks, kids…duty, duty, duty. This has been our relationship from the start. We were never lovers. And there is a big part of him that does not want or know how to be that way. His mode is work. And to him, it seems right and responsible.
But for me, I am tired. The constant demands of our life and the foundation it was formed on have exhausted something in me.
I have been trying to let it be…to just rest with Jesus. I feel that until there is a basic change in what he wants out of life, all my cajoling will just be a threat or a nag.

Am I OK in this? Is it OK to let it go and let God handle it? I am not giving my H the cold shoulder, but I am giving a distance, not just rushing in to fill the void. It’s very new for me. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
You’re not over the bar, but you sound as if you are navigating it very well.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top