Hoping for prayers and support from fellow Catholics

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Bri125

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Hello friends. This is my very first time posting here, although I have often “lurked.” As a catholic I feel like this is actually a place I can belong. I am writing tonight because I need some prayers. I am feeling alone at the moment. A little backstory, hopefully keep it as short and sweet as possible, I am 25 and female. I was brought up catholic (even though my mother is atheist, my father is a deacon at our church). All my life i would say I was a good catholic. When I was 21 and in college I hit a rough patch in my faith. My senior year, got caught up in the “party” lifestyle. Was it fun at the time? Yup. Was it killing my soul and stifling who I really was as a catholic? Absolutely. Long sorry short, I got pregnant with a very short term boyfriend. It was a very difficult time, as my parents were beyond disappointed and embarrassed. However, I thank god daily as I see it was his way of getting my attention and pulling me back to him. And how great He is that even in my sinful mistakes he still gifted me with a beautiful child! Anyways. My child is almost 3 now and I’ve had these past 3 years to shape up. I returned to god fully. went to confession, became more devoted to my Catholicism than ever. Here’s where I’m falling now though. I met a man. He’s wonderful. So nice. But, and this is a big but, he doesn’t share my faith. After having a child, I confessed, returned to god, and reclaimed my spiritual virginity, so to speak. My boyfriend of 2 months now has told me straight out he cannot wait until marriage, it’s just too long for him. My gut is screaming he is not right for me, even though aside from this sexual disagreement, we share many of the same life goals and ideals. I just need some prayers for strength. I so so so want him to be the one, but how can he if right off the bat he cannot wait for me in terms of sex? He has told me I need to choose whether to stay with him and have sex or walk away. Why am I so weak??? I have not had sex with him yet, but I have not walked away either. I can see he is tearing me away from my faith though because I have already done some sexual things with him. I feel guilty. I feel like there is a constant cloud hanging over my head, as my heart is not happy that he is unable to respect my wishes to wait. But I am also paralyzed by an (irrantional) fear. If I walk away because of this one thing, am only throwing away a relationship with a good man? What if there is no one out there who will wait for me? I hate the feeling that I am walking away from god after getting so close to Him and my faith these past 3 years. But it also hurts to way away from a nice guy, when I want nothing more to get married someday and have a family. I’m sorry this is so long. It has been weighing heavy on my heart and it feels good to get it all out. Please pray for me that I may have the strength to choose god even though it will hurt to walk away from a relationship. Thank you all.
 
Bri125 said:

“But it also hurts to way away from a nice guy, when I want nothing more to get married someday and have a family.”

Nothing you’ve said so far suggests that this guy is interested in marrying you. It’s a possibility, of course, but I don’t give you more than about a 10-20% chance. There’s a huge gap between what you’ve said about this guy (nice, but doesn’t want to wait for you) and what you want (marriage and family and faith). I think you’re settling, and doing so way too early.

You are going to have a lot of chances to date guys who want you to compromise your values for them. You don’t have to settle for this one.

Your kid is getting to be a good age for you to get out and date more. I think it is time for you to get out there and have some wholesome fun and figure out how to be a chaste, fun, single Catholic gal. Try again, and this time, be pickier and slow down. It is quite possible to do this right the second or third time.

Best wishes!
 
Bri125 said:
I met a man. He’s wonderful. So nice. But, and this is a big but, he doesn’t share my faith.
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You have already seen a mixed faith (or no faith on the part of your mother) household. It is very difficult at best.
Bri125 said:
My boyfriend of 2 months now has told me straight out he cannot wait until marriage, it’s just too long for him.
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Kick him to the curb. He is not a man, he is a player. Move on, find a real man who is godly and devoted to the faith and to your spiritual health and that of your child.
Bri125 said:
My gut is screaming he is not right for me, even though aside from this sexual disagreement, we share many of the same life goals and ideals.
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You don’t share the most important things. Move on.
Bri125 said:
I so so so want him to be the one, but how can he if right off the bat he cannot wait for me in terms of sex?
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He’s not the one.
Bri125 said:
He has told me I need to choose whether to stay with him and have sex or walk away.
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Run away. what a juvenile idiot.
Bri125 said:
If I walk away because of this one thing, am only throwing away a relationship with a good man?
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I don’t know why you think he is a “good man”. Sounds like an immature boy to me. Manipulation and coercion into a sexual relationship-- yeah, high on my list of future spouse material… NOT.

You can do so much better. Get some counseling if you do not believe you deserve better.
 
I have to agree with the first two posters – tell the guy if you aren’t worth waiting for, neither is he! Then RUN, don’t walk away from this relationship & DON’T stay in touch with him. If he “can’t wait” until marriage, he’s just putting pressure on you to have a sexual relationship, not a true marriage. You’ve been there before, why go backwards?

You are still young, you will find a nice Catholic man someday who will NOT want to have a sexual relationship prior to marriage and who will believe as you do. Don’t settle for the first fish you think looks good – it’s a big world and there are a lot of nice men in it. You don’t need someone who thinks a relationship is based on “sex first, then we’ll talk about anything else.” If he can’t wait, tell him to go trolling in another stream!

Remain in your faith, and remember, you also have a responsibility to your child to have a good and Christian marriage in your future, not a “relationship”, possibly followed by his infidelity and a divorce! Stay true to your faith, keep praying and follow your “gut” feeling – this is not someone to get that involved with. End it now, it’ll be worse if you wait.
God be with you!
 
Bri125 said:
Hello friends. This is my very first time posting here, although I have often “lurked.” As a catholic I feel like this is actually a place I can belong. I am writing tonight because I need some prayers. I am feeling alone at the moment. A little backstory, hopefully keep it as short and sweet as possible, I am 25 and female. I was brought up catholic (even though my mother is atheist, my father is a deacon at our church). All my life i would say I was a good catholic. When I was 21 and in college I hit a rough patch in my faith. My senior year, got caught up in the “party” lifestyle. Was it fun at the time? Yup. Was it killing my soul and stifling who I really was as a catholic? Absolutely. Long sorry short, I got pregnant with a very short term boyfriend. It was a very difficult time, as my parents were beyond disappointed and embarrassed. However, I thank god daily as I see it was his way of getting my attention and pulling me back to him. And how great He is that even in my sinful mistakes he still gifted me with a beautiful child! Anyways. My child is almost 3 now and I’ve had these past 3 years to shape up. I returned to god fully. went to confession, became more devoted to my Catholicism than ever. Here’s where I’m falling now though. I met a man. He’s wonderful. So nice. But, and this is a big but, he doesn’t share my faith. After having a child, I confessed, returned to god, and reclaimed my spiritual virginity, so to speak. My boyfriend of 2 months now has told me straight out he cannot wait until marriage, it’s just too long for him. My gut is screaming he is not right for me, even though aside from this sexual disagreement, we share many of the same life goals and ideals. I just need some prayers for strength. I so so so want him to be the one, but how can he if right off the bat he cannot wait for me in terms of sex? He has told me I need to choose whether to stay with him and have sex or walk away. Why am I so weak??? I have not had sex with him yet, but I have not walked away either. I can see he is tearing me away from my faith though because I have already done some sexual things with him. I feel guilty. I feel like there is a constant cloud hanging over my head, as my heart is not happy that he is unable to respect my wishes to wait. But I am also paralyzed by an (irrantional) fear. If I walk away because of this one thing, am only throwing away a relationship with a good man? What if there is no one out there who will wait for me? I hate the feeling that I am walking away from god after getting so close to Him and my faith these past 3 years. But it also hurts to way away from a nice guy, when I want nothing more to get married someday and have a family. I’m sorry this is so long. It has been weighing heavy on my heart and it feels good to get it all out. Please pray for me that I may have the strength to choose god even though it will hurt to walk away from a relationship. Thank you all.
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so so so many red flags and alarm bells right now. 2 months? and he’s saying he can’t wait anymore? not a good sign, at all.

i know this is hard to hear, but i think the posters above me are right. you should move on and find someone else. in my breif experience in even attempting the dating world, if a guy is pressuring you for sex, he’s not going to stick around long. (i’m not saying i’ve had sex but i’ve been pressured in to other things and it always felt wrong; i should have been standing up for myself and my faith in God). you also have a child to focus on, their faith is important and your responsability. i know, it’s a sacrifice right now, but it’ll be worth it in the long run, i’m praying for you and God bless
 
One additional point: you stated that he said you would either have to have sex or walk away. Sounds like he doesn’t care which, just so you either give in or get out so he can find someone else to have sex with. He doesn’t seem much to care what you believe or think – just what he WANTS which is obviously a mistress or bluntly, he wants sex, and if he can’t get it with you, he wants out, so he can look elsewhere quick. Two months and he’s starved??? This is not a good thing at all. I’ll be praying for you and hope you choose to stay with your faith and your excellent idea of morals – which is NO sex prior to marriage. Don’t fall in his trap. There are lots of others out there, some are nice, but not for you, some are nice and one of them WILL be for you. Wait for him!
 
Bri125 said:
Hello friends. This is my very first time posting here, although I have often “lurked.” As a catholic I feel like this is actually a place I can belong. I am writing tonight because I need some prayers. I am feeling alone at the moment. A little backstory, hopefully keep it as short and sweet as possible, I am 25 and female. I was brought up catholic (even though my mother is atheist, my father is a deacon at our church). All my life i would say I was a good catholic. When I was 21 and in college I hit a rough patch in my faith. My senior year, got caught up in the “party” lifestyle. Was it fun at the time? Yup. Was it killing my soul and stifling who I really was as a catholic? Absolutely. Long sorry short, I got pregnant with a very short term boyfriend. It was a very difficult time, as my parents were beyond disappointed and embarrassed. However, I thank god daily as I see it was his way of getting my attention and pulling me back to him. And how great He is that even in my sinful mistakes he still gifted me with a beautiful child! Anyways. My child is almost 3 now and I’ve had these past 3 years to shape up. I returned to god fully. went to confession, became more devoted to my Catholicism than ever. Here’s where I’m falling now though. I met a man. He’s wonderful. So nice. But, and this is a big but, he doesn’t share my faith. After having a child, I confessed, returned to god, and reclaimed my spiritual virginity, so to speak. My boyfriend of 2 months now has told me straight out he cannot wait until marriage, it’s just too long for him. My gut is screaming he is not right for me, even though aside from this sexual disagreement, we share many of the same life goals and ideals. I just need some prayers for strength. I so so so want him to be the one, but how can he if right off the bat he cannot wait for me in terms of sex? He has told me I need to choose whether to stay with him and have sex or walk away. Why am I so weak??? I have not had sex with him yet, but I have not walked away either. I can see he is tearing me away from my faith though because I have already done some sexual things with him. I feel guilty. I feel like there is a constant cloud hanging over my head, as my heart is not happy that he is unable to respect my wishes to wait. But I am also paralyzed by an (irrantional) fear. If I walk away because of this one thing, am only throwing away a relationship with a good man? What if there is no one out there who will wait for me? I hate the feeling that I am walking away from god after getting so close to Him and my faith these past 3 years. But it also hurts to way away from a nice guy, when I want nothing more to get married someday and have a family. I’m sorry this is so long. It has been weighing heavy on my heart and it feels good to get it all out. Please pray for me that I may have the strength to choose god even though it will hurt to walk away from a relationship. Thank you all.
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Okay, I think I know what’s going on here with this relationship.

From your perspective, you need to ask yourself if you are making yourself more available because you have a child. I sense a certain desperation here and you cannot have a healthy, successful relationship based on that. Would you really tolerate this if you didn’t have a child?

I’ve noticed in my years of giving dating advice/coaching is that women with kids and women who are divorced seem open to all kinds of offers that they would not otherwise be if they were childless or with someone in a stable relationship.

My concern is if this guy is using you for sexual encounters. With regards to what you’ve done, it’s important to keep seeking the Sacrament of Confession.

The problem here is that you are “hoping” he’ll change. It’s pretty clear to me he’s not going to unless you aren’t telling us something quite stark.

Listen, if morals are important to you and a guy cannot respect your boundaries, he isn’t worth your time.

You need to be confident, firm and communicate this to him. And let me tell you as a guy if you say one thing and do another, it’ll just confuse him and he won’t know what to think.

But really, I just see this as a mere formality to make you feel better, because I don’t see how this can work.

It’s two months, he can’t wait to have sex, and he’s not Catholic and it doesn’t sound like you’ve got the type of personality to convert him or change him.

I think you are in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, and I think you are scared stiff that having a kid and being a little older now is affecting your confidence about finding someone worthwhile, so you are settling for him.

You can do better and I think you deserve better, but you’ve got to think about what I have said and be aware that being a single mom makes you more vulnerable to advances.

Simply being a “nice guy” isn’t enough, and it shouldn’t be.
 
I’ve been married quite a while, and in marriage, there is a lot of waiting.
Patience dosen’t start on the wedding day. Not a good sign.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
I have to agree with others that ‘have sex with me or I’ll dump you’ is NOT a nice guy. It’s bullying.

If you give in to him on this, what next? “Do X or I’ll dump you,” will become the pattern for dating, and later, for marriage.

A bit of a side note, but I think this is one of the problems arising from the so-called sexual revolution and today’s so-called sexual ‘freedom.’ What it’s really ended up being is lots of women being pressured into sex.
 
Thank you for coming here and sharing this with us before doing anything rash. God bless you for making the right choice and keeping your child! You have know idea the lifelong agony you have spared yourself for doing that!

I am sure you are a wonderful person, but this guy… he seems nice I am sure. I am sure he is quite charming. He seems far more concerned about the fact he cannot wait and what his needs are rather than yours. Am I correct in assuming you have told him about your reservations?

You ARE much STRONGER than you give yourself credit for!! You would NOT have written us this story otherwise. These are NOT the actions of a weak person! What I told myself over and over again when I was young was that the long term consequences just are NOT worth a few minutes of pleasure.

You don’t have to explain any of this to him, other than you have decided to look for a guy who thinks you ARE worth waiting around for and getting married to!

Ok??? Print this out and sign it! I AM WORTH WAITING FOR!! X___________________
 
EXACTLY!!! I AGREE 100% WITH THIS LAST POST!!

YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY SOMEONE THAT A MAN SHOULD BE WILLING TO WAIT FOR – FOR YEARS IF NECESSARY!!

TELL YOURSELF EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT THAT “I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND I AM WORTHWHILE!!” TELL THIS TO YOURSELF EVERY HOUR IF NECESSARY!!

You do not have to rush into anything. You are not that old, your child is only 3 and you deserve a better life for the child as well as for yourself. You are much too young to feel this is the only guy you’ll ever be attracted to! Lots of guys will try to “hit” on a single mom, just because she IS a single mom, so they think they can take what they want, and a future promise of marriage is a very inexpensive way to get what they want. He may seem nice now, but pay attention to those alarm bells going off in your head! You need to stay in your faith, go to Confession (if needed) but frequently, in any case, and continue to receive the Holy Eucharist. Begin training your child in your faith. This is your priority right now. Worry about marriage later. The right guy is there and HE is worth waiting for too!:signofcross:
 
He’s only into the relationship 2 months and needs sex? Given your previous experience with men, what do you think he will do once you give him what he wants? How long do you think he will hang around till he goes on his next conquest?

You MUST leave him! Everything about this relationship is wrong. He isn’t on the same page as you in beliefs. He is unwilling to wait.

I do NOT think he is a good man. What happens if you get pregnant? or a sexually-transmitted disease?

You aren’t married, and I don’t think he would marry you, not that you should even if he wanted to. He seems wrong for you. Now granted, I don’t know him, or you, but just given the information in the post, he’s wrong for you.

What if he gives you a baby and simply walks away…or an STD?

He doesn’t sound like the commitment type. A commitment type guy would respect your wishes and not pressure you into sex. He will NOT respect you more for giving in, in the end. If anything, just the opposite happens. Men respect women more for NOT giving them sex till after marriage, respecting themselves, ourselves.

Further, if you give in to him, what kind of example would you be to your child?

I think this man is just trying to use you for sex. Please don’t let him.

I know you probably feel lonely and long for the companionship of a man. Another piece of advice, in the meantime, why not make some female friends? Now, other people gave me that piece of advice when I was younger, and I didn’t take it. Now, I wish I had!
Why not get some girlfriends so you don’t feel quite so lonely, and not isolate yourself, making your life all about this one man, thinking the sun rises and sets on him alone?
 
very good advice, if you don’t mind, i will build on it a little more.

in addition to making some female catohlic friends, how about also joining some ministries at your parish, or young adult groups? that could be a good way to meet a committed catholic guy. just a thought
 
You are not the first woman to be blinded by a nice man who appears 95% good for you…and it’s just that little 5% problem where he wants sex before marriage (or he wants an “open” relationship, or he wants you to try some drugs with him, or he wants you to get a job so he can stay home, etc,).

As a smart woman who was almost taken in by a “nice” guy who shared a lot of my values and dreams but was missing a few “small” values in common with me,. A year or two later I realize that the little 5% was much bigger and was a deal breaker from the start. I was just distracted and tired of waiting. I am here to say that I am so glad I listened to my gut and avoided getting involved with him.

Avoid “nice”; give me a GOOD man any day.
 
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