Horrible mistake I have made

[goughs5]

I am new member to this forum, thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

I am a married man with 3 children. Twin 2 years olds and a 9 month olds. All great kids with varying degrees of medical issues. I love my family and wife more then anything.

Me and My wife have had an abortion within the since are last child has been born. I justified it in my head in numerous ways full well knowing how wrong this was to do. I feel as if I preasured my wife in a inderect way(she was under the impression I would no longer be able to function with another child in my life.) Ultimitly we had a abortion knowing how wrong this was for my selfish reasons. I am prepared to do what ever is asked of me to try and move on from this. My wife has always been a more religous person then I have. She has participated in many works dealing with Catholic Family Charitys, been a volunteer teacher in the inner cities of Miami for Catholic schools etc. Much better person then I have ever been. I have always thought the best thing I can contribute is my money to help the poor and needy which I have always done.

That is a little background on the situation and I will not get into all the details of why the abortion was done as at this point I feel it no longer matters, it was done for the wrong reasons and I and my wife can see that now. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do some good with the rest of are lives and more importantly move passed this issue for the sake of our 3 children who we plan to raise in the church as we both were as children.

Thanks for any advice on this subject.

 

[TEPO]

I am new member to this forum, thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

I am a married man with 3 children. Twin 2 years olds and a 9 month olds. All great kids with varying degrees of medical issues. I love my family and wife more then anything.

Me and My wife have had an abortion within the since are last child has been born. I justified it in my head in numerous ways full well knowing how wrong this was to do. I feel as if I preasured my wife in a inderect way(she was under the impression I would no longer be able to function with another child in my life.) Ultimitly we had a abortion knowing how wrong this was for my selfish reasons. I am prepared to do what ever is asked of me to try and move on from this. My wife has always been a more religous person then I have. She has participated in many works dealing with Catholic Family Charitys, been a volunteer teacher in the inner cities of Miami for Catholic schools etc. Much better person then I have ever been. I have always thought the best thing I can contribute is my money to help the poor and needy which I have always done.

That is a little background on the situation and I will not get into all the details of why the abortion was done as at this point I feel it no longer matters, it was done for the wrong reasons and I and my wife can see that now. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do some good with the rest of are lives and more importantly move passed this issue for the sake of our 3 children who we plan to raise in the church as we both were as children.

Thanks for any advice on this subject.

Well, I’m certainly not an apologitic of any kind here, but as a father of 3, one being a newborn and one on the way, I can certainly relate to the sometimes confusing world of fatherhood.

You and your wife need to sit down with a Priest… I believe they have recovery programs in some churches for parents to cope with this kind of guilt -you might consider asking about one of these programs.

 

[yablabo]

I am new member to this forum, thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

That is a little background on the situation and I will not get into all the details of why the abortion was done as at this point I feel it no longer matters, it was done for the wrong reasons and I and my wife can see that now. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do some good with the rest of are lives and more importantly move passed this issue for the sake of our 3 children who we plan to raise in the church as we both were as children.

Thanks for any advice on this subject.

I had an excommunication lifted in early 2008. It takes a specific ritual before one can approach the sacrament of Penance. Excommunicates are not allowed to approach any of the sacraments.

Here is some info from the Code of Canon Law:

Can. 1331 §1. An excommunicated person is forbidden:

1/ to have any ministerial participation in celebrating the sacrifice of the Eucharist or any other ceremonies of worship whatsoever;

2/ to celebrate the sacraments or sacramentals and to receive the sacraments;

3/ to exercise any ecclesiastical offices, ministries, or functions whatsoever or to place acts of governance.
…

Can. 1355 §1. Provided that the penalty has not been reserved to the Apostolic See, the following can remit an imposed or declared penalty established by law:

1/ the ordinary who initiated the trial to impose or declare a penalty or who personally or through another imposed or declared it by decree;

2/ the ordinary of the place where the offender is present, after the ordinary mentioned under n. 1 has been consulted unless this is impossible because of extraordinary circumstances.

§2. If the penalty has not been reserved to the Apostolic See, an ordinary can remit a latae sententiae penalty established by law but not yet declared for his subjects and those who are present in his territory or who committed the offense there; any bishop can also do this in the act of sacramental confession.

Can. 1356 §1. The following can remit a ferendae sententiae or latae sententiae penalty established by a precept not issued by the Apostolic See:

1/ the ordinary of the place where the offender is present;

2/ if the penalty has been imposed or declared, the ordinary who initiated the trial to impose or declare the penalty or who personally or through another imposed or declared it by decree.

§2. The author of the precept must be consulted before remission is made unless this is impossible because of extraordinary circumstances.

Can. 1357 §1. Without prejudice to the prescripts of cann. 508 and 976, **a confessor can remit in the internal sacramental forum an undeclared latae sententiae censure of excommunication **or interdict if it is burdensome for the penitent to remain in the state of grave sin during the time necessary for the competent superior to make provision.

§2. In granting the remission, the confessor is to impose on the penitent, under the penalty of reincidence, the obligation of making recourse within a month to the competent superior or to a priest endowed with the faculty and the obligation of obeying his mandates; in the meantime he is to impose a suitable penance and, insofar as it is demanded, reparation of any scandal and damage; however, recourse can also be made through the confessor, without mention of the name.

§3. After they have recovered, those for whom an imposed or declared censure or one reserved to the Apostolic See has been remitted according to the norm of ⇒ can. 976 are also obliged to make recourse.

Can. 1358 §1. Remission of a censure cannot be granted unless the offender has withdrawn from contumacy according to the norm of ⇒ can. 1347, §2; it cannot be denied, however, to a person who withdraws from contumacy.

§2. The person who remits a censure can make provision according to the norm of ⇒ can. 1348 or can even impose a penance.

If you believe you are excommunicated, you should look at what is in Canon Law for what you should do…and be certain to bring a copy of what it says to your priest…and be ready to appeal to your Bishop if need be: vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_INDEX.HTM

– Nicole

 

[grandfather]

I am new member to this forum, thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

I am a married man with 3 children. Twin 2 years olds and a 9 month olds. All great kids with varying degrees of medical issues. I love my family and wife more then anything.

Me and My wife have had an abortion within the since are last child has been born. I justified it in my head in numerous ways full well knowing how wrong this was to do. I feel as if I preasured my wife in a inderect way(she was under the impression I would no longer be able to function with another child in my life.) Ultimitly we had a abortion knowing how wrong this was for my selfish reasons. I am prepared to do what ever is asked of me to try and move on from this. My wife has always been a more religous person then I have. She has participated in many works dealing with Catholic Family Charitys, been a volunteer teacher in the inner cities of Miami for Catholic schools etc. Much better person then I have ever been. I have always thought the best thing I can contribute is my money to help the poor and needy which I have always done.

That is a little background on the situation and I will not get into all the details of why the abortion was done as at this point I feel it no longer matters, it was done for the wrong reasons and I and my wife can see that now. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do some good with the rest of are lives and more importantly move passed this issue for the sake of our 3 children who we plan to raise in the church as we both were as children.

Thanks for any advice on this subject.

If you repent of your sins God will forgive you. I am not sure, but in order to rectify your status with the Church it may require having your bishop involved. You should go to confession as soon as possible.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do .

you get to confession immediately, if not sooner
the excommunication was automatic as soon as the sin happened, it is lifted in confession, as all priests in this country have the authority to lift it. You each confess alone to the priest your own part in the action and follow the priest’s direction.

Don’t wait, nothing else will go right until you get right with the Lord and return to the sacraments. Christ is waiting for you with all his love, forgiveness and mercy.

 

[goughs5]

We do plan on getting to confession ASAP. I just want to thank all for the responses you have given me on this situation.

Thanks again.

 

[1ke]

in addition to confession, please attend a healing retreat. Look up Rachel’s Vineyard and/or Project Rachel in your diocese.

 

[Anthony_V]

I am new member to this forum, thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

I am a married man with 3 children. Twin 2 years olds and a 9 month olds. All great kids with varying degrees of medical issues. I love my family and wife more then anything.

Me and My wife have had an abortion within the since are last child has been born. I justified it in my head in numerous ways full well knowing how wrong this was to do. I feel as if I preasured my wife in a inderect way(she was under the impression I would no longer be able to function with another child in my life.) Ultimitly we had a abortion knowing how wrong this was for my selfish reasons. I am prepared to do what ever is asked of me to try and move on from this. My wife has always been a more religous person then I have. She has participated in many works dealing with Catholic Family Charitys, been a volunteer teacher in the inner cities of Miami for Catholic schools etc. Much better person then I have ever been. I have always thought the best thing I can contribute is my money to help the poor and needy which I have always done.

That is a little background on the situation and I will not get into all the details of why the abortion was done as at this point I feel it no longer matters, it was done for the wrong reasons and I and my wife can see that now. What is the best way to go about trying to move on from this? We both understand confession which we plan to do. I also understand that we will be instantly excommunicated from the church. I guess my question is does the priest advise you of this at the end of your confession? Is there anything to do to get the excommunication lifted? We are just looking to move on from this situation we have caused and try to do some good with the rest of are lives and more importantly move passed this issue for the sake of our 3 children who we plan to raise in the church as we both were as children.

Thanks for any advice on this subject.

I can tell you all you need to know in three words:
God is enough.
He loves you so much. Go, take your wife, and see him in adoration. Go listen to the beat of his sacred heart against yours. And whatever happens, do not put it off. You must go see him as soon as possible. You must go experience his saving grace in reconciliation as soon as possible. You would explode if you knew how eagerly he wants to pour out his grace upon you!

 

[Trishie]

Prayers for your wife, you, and your three other children. May God assist you with the grace, wisdom, strength, and support that you need to raise and best help your children and to live good Catholic lives.
Lord grant that this little innocent one will pray for his parents and his three siblings. Lord we entrust them to Your merciful love.

 

[jschutzm]

I just want to take this time to say that I feel sorry for what you are going through… I hope I am not projecting here… but I can only imagine the guilt and remorse you and your wife may be going through. So I, and I’m sure others on this forum, have compassion for your situation.

May God bless you and your family for having the courage to admit your wrongs and try to come back to him. To his church. It would be, perhaps easier to just turn your back and say, “fine… I’m excommunicated… that’s fine because I chose to leave” Also easy would it be to simply find a non-denominational church that doesn’t know your situation and simply starting over there. – and you’d only be human to not consider that.

So again, God Bless you for having the courage to stick around and reconcile with God and his church. I will say a prayer for you and your family, tonight.

Think of confession not as something that the church imposes on you to get “back into her good graces” but as part of the cure. Think of it as through a deliberate action you sinned, therefore, God extends to you a mechanism by which through a deliberate action you can be reconciled. That’s what I believe is the beauty of confession. We are physical beings… so we want there to be something we can DO, which will start the healing process. Confession is that process.

The hardest part IS showing up… once you are there… just start talking…Jesus will help you to find the words.

Likewise, think of excommunication as a medicinal procedure that the church uses to point out how far off the mark a particular action is, and is used with the hope that eventually it will bring healing, through reconciliation and be lifted. Remember, no excommunication is lifelong or forever, unless you want it to be.

It is always the hope that someone who steps away for a time, comes back… often times even STRONGER then before. I would not be at all surprised if you and your wife return to the faith stronger for having gone through this fire… both in your marriage and in your faith.

One Suggestion: I would definitely urge the 2 of you to speak with a Christian Counselor about the events of the past several years. It would be sad if this tragedy in your life then ended in divorce. It is not uncommon that couples which have an abortion end up breaking up or getting a divorce. So it is a real risk you should guard against. Especially if you or her are feeling that there was any coercion involved. You want to get any deep-seated resentments out in the open and deal with them before they start to bubble up in other areas.

 

[Prayer_Warrior]

Unless I have misunderstood your post, you have received some bad information. You will not be excommunicated if you go to confession. You have already been automatically excommunicated— called latae sentential. See this site for more information. As the article says, when you go to confession, you must confess the abortion and the excommunication – and if you received the Eucharist during this time, knowing that you were in a state of mortal sin, confess that too. While it is possible that a Bishop needs to be involved, I really don’t think so-- your priest will advise you. Anyway, do not wait. I would make an appointment with your priest for tomorrow if you can. If he does not want to make an appointment, go to the first confession available. In the meantime, make a heartfelt act of contrition now and pray for forgiveness, mercy and grace.

You received some excellent advice from 1Ke about healing with Rachel’s vineyard. Please look into that. When you have confessed and done your penance, you will need to let go of the guilt and shame. This is not easily done and that is why 1Ke’s suggestion was so good. Once you have confessed, God WILL forgive you and will not condemn you for this sin. But it is easy to keep condemning ourselves for our mistakes. Jesus took all of our sins upon Himself on the cross. Let Him have this sin and go in peace. Remember that God is our Father who loves us. He does not want us to feel guilt and shame, He wants us to be free of all of the darkness and pain so that we can love Him and our neighbor with our whole mind, soul and strength. Ask God to help you bring good out of this darkness. For example, at some point, you may be able to counsel others on abortion, or you may become involved in the pro-life movement. God will guide you on that, I’m sure. What the enemy would use for evil, God intends for the good.