House vs. house (help)

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punisherthunder

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We are looking to move into a house and there’s huge family drama that I don’t know what to do anymore.

There’s a mountain town in our city that is super safe, #1 schools, small wonderful community…but the home prices are exorbitant.

My FIL and MIL say we should live off the mountain because the valley areas, we can get more house for our dollars. However crime is rampant and schools are in the toilet. But the dollars gets more of a house. By the way, my wife’s parents told her if we move there they won’t visit or anything because they can see to drive up the mountain at night and it’s too far. We would be 22 miles away and still live in the same County.

Help? Advice?
 
Anglewannabe said:
Unless they are paying 100% of the mortgage, they FIL and MIL have no say in the matter.
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They said they would maybe pay 1000, if it was anywhere but the mountain. On the mountain though, there’s a wonderful Catholic Church near the bluff that is wonderful.

We risk spending more for a smaller house? FWIW the property values on the mountain are always high and only go up.
 
Buy a house where you and your wife want to. Your in-laws are entitled to their opinions, but they don’t get to make the decision. You’ll have to decide whether their refusal to visit would be worth it. Of course, for some, that would be an added bonus.
 
pensmama87 said:
Buy a house where you and your wife want to. Your in-laws are entitled to their opinions, but they don’t get to make the decision. You’ll have to decide whether their refusal to visit would be worth it. Of course, for some, that would be an added bonus.
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My MIL actually told my wife who is 34 years old, that we weren’t considering “their feelings” in this. And to dangle financial help over our heads in exchange to move off the mountain and too the valley. I’m speechless. Am I in the wrong here?
 
punisherthunder said:
My MIL actually told my wife who is 34 years old, that we weren’t considering “their feelings” in this. And to dangle financial help over our heads in exchange to move off the mountain and too the valley. I’m speechless. Am I in the wrong here?
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No, your in-laws are crazy. Why on earth would you think their behavior is healthy?
 
punisherthunder said:
We are looking to move into a house and there’s huge family drama that I don’t know what to do anymore.

There’s a mountain town in our city that is super safe, #1 schools, small wonderful community…but the home prices are exorbitant.

My FIL and MIL say we should live off the mountain because the valley areas, we can get more house for our dollars. However crime is rampant and schools are in the toilet. But the dollars gets more of a house. By the way, my wife’s parents told her if we move there they won’t visit or anything because they can see to drive up the mountain at night and it’s too far. We would be 22 miles away and still live in the same County.

Help? Advice?
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Your in-laws remind me of the old joke, if you lend your brother-in-law $50 and he never speaks to you again, was it worth the money?

I guess if you want to see them, you’ll have to drive there.

But a lot depends on what your wife thinks of this situation.

By the way, it is possible to visit during daylight hours.

Good luck!
 
Live where you and your wife and happy and can afford on your own. I highly recommend NOT taking any money from your inlaws, as they are control freaks and no one needs that in their life.
 
punisherthunder said:
We are looking to move into a house and there’s huge family drama that I don’t know what to do anymore.

There’s a mountain town in our city that is super safe, #1 schools, small wonderful community…but the home prices are exorbitant.

My FIL and MIL say we should live off the mountain because the valley areas, we can get more house for our dollars. However crime is rampant and schools are in the toilet. But the dollars gets more of a house. By the way, my wife’s parents told her if we move there they won’t visit or anything because they can see to drive up the mountain at night and it’s too far. We would be 22 miles away and still live in the same County.

Help? Advice?
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Are there two particular homes, one in the mountains and one in the valley, that you are trying to decide between? Or is this still in the theoretical realm? If it’s all still theoretical, unless you are quite certain you want to live in the mountains, I suggest looking at homes with a real estate agent in both areas. Exorbitant housing prices might mean the houses are nicer, and/or/but it also might mean you can’t really find anything you and your wife both like that you can afford. It may take a lot of looking and time to really figure out what you want to buy, apart from what your in-laws want you to buy.

Since your in-laws say they won’t go up the mountain to visit you if you moved, that makes me wonder about** the drive**. Depending on your in-laws age, driving skills and car, they may be perfectly reasonable in refusing to drive up a mountain. Mountain driving can be dangerous, especially when there’s snow and ice. What would your commute be like if you lived in the mountains? Do you have a car that can handle mountain driving, or would that be another expense to factor into the decision? I suggest you consider what that drive would mean for you. You say it is a super safe community, but the mountain drive might not be particularly safe.

Anyway, if you haven’t already done so, I’d look at homes in both areas.
 
If the inlaws are that bad… Makes me sad but really better away from them, This is YOUR life not theirs… a good school and a sound community are pure gold these days
 
You need to only think of what is best for you and your wife. Your in-laws will choose where they want to live and so should you. You aren’t young kids.

If it were me, I would choose the better area and settle for a smaller house (which will not lose its value, as you say). Your whole lifestyle is much more important than the size of your house, and good neighbourhoods are worth their weight in gold as far as your overall well-being goes.

I’d do your house-searching without reference to your extended family. When you’ve made your decision, then tell them - don’t ask them.

I suspect you’ll find that your in-laws will still visit, wherever you are. 🙂
 
I too, remember some of your other posts. Your in laws seem to cause drama and try to control your wife.

I think you should thank them for their concern and then, do what is best for you and your wife. This is your life and you need to get through it without interference from your in laws. If your wife is unable to stand up to her parents, perhaps she would benefit from speaking to someone that could coach her on how to respond to her parents butting in under the guise of “just helping” all the time. Their offers of financial help always seem to be tied to controlling what you do. Better to be free of that since they cross boundaries when they do that.

My opinion is that you should buy a house that you can afford, where it will hold or increase its value and where you and your wife will feel safe. A small house in a better area is always preferable to a large house in a declining neighborhood. Rooms can be added on if needed in the future if you look for that type of house too, by the way. If your in laws want to threaten your wife with not coming to visit, so be it. You can go see them. If they end up mad and say they won’t see you even if you come there, that is a symptom of bigger issues on their part. Do not be swayed by their threats. Or by their monetary offer. Only buy what you can afford.
 
We currently live on the mountain already in a very small rental house. We’ve caught an unexpected financial break and have at least 10% down towards a home. To clarify:

Mountain: Very high home prices (but some are in our range), property values only getting higher in the area, small isolated type community, very safe, top public schools in the county on the mountain, very nice Catholic Church. We can afford a somewhat small home and be content here. It’s about 4 or 5 miles down and into the city so we aren’t too far away from anything and living here actually has saved money because we aren’t tempted to run out to shops that are close by like we were in the valley. Did I mention it is very quiet on the mountain?

Valley: Rampant crime, old homes that are run down. There are some newer construction homes but the layouts and planning are so bad that we saw none we liked. Catholic Churches are fleeting in the valley, maybe four. MIL and FIL say that we can get more for our mortgage money with a bigger house in the valley, but the property value is awful. Schools are warzones and there’s only two private Catholic schools located in the heart of said warzones.

In February when we signed up at this little mountain rental home, we drove the MIL and FIL up there because they didn’t know how to get there and wanted to see. We met with the realtor and my MIL screamed her head off at everyone. Totally made my wife cry and the realtor cried because she felt so embarrassed. They have never been back to visit with my wife even with her being unemployed and finding out she’s infertile.

Now with this housing mess, they tell her they will help…on the condition it is anywhere but the mountain.
 
I’m sorry, Thunder… but your in-laws need to back off, and you need to do what you know in your heart is the right thing. The right thing here is to buy in the neighborhood with the LONG TERM benefits of good Catholic faith, good area, etc… and be content with a smaller home. So it’s smaller…BIG DEAL.

And if they’re so callous as to attempt to hold your decision hostage with a ransom if you do what THEY want you to do, don’t give in. You will only be more miserable and it will give them impetus to hold something ELSE hostage in the future. my 2 cents. :cool:
 
In your situation, I would choose the mountain community for sure. But I’d also be considering moving far away from the crazy in laws. My husband and I have agreed to never live within a few hours of either set of parents because it’s not worth the insanity.
 
Your in-laws sounds a lot like my in-laws.

I vote for not accepting any money from them for the house, because then they will dare to claim rights over it (like saying this and that do not belong in this part of the kitchen, the towels in the bathroom should be placed like this and not like that, etc).

Choose what you think is best for you, not for them. If we were to live to please the world, how miserable life would be.

My husband and I are saving to buy a house on a 15 years term, fixed rate. But in laws want to give down payment and pushing for a 30 years term. But we have a long way and I can see that in the future they will be after us and telling us which house to buy. I would rather keep our mouths shut until after we buy the house. Surprise!
 
Thank you everyone, all good replies so far.

MIL called me up last night and pressed about if we saw any mountain viewings lately and I simply told her we’ve seen a few this week and she flew off the handle. She INSISTS that we all go for psychological counseling so as a psychologist can “mediate” this housing matter. I’m 100% serious on this.

I did my best to defuse her rambling the way I’ve been trained at my job by simply saying things like, “Oh really? Wow, that’s great”.
 
Do all of your house hunting on your own. Do not discuss where or what you see. Finance it yourself. Buy it, close on it, and move without their help or knowledge. It is none of their business. They do not have a right to know. "Have you looked at any new houses? " We will let you know when we decide is all that needs to be said.

As far as her flying off the handle, “I am sorry you feel that way. Good bye.” And hang up. She is the one that needs help from a counselor.
 
My ex-husband’s parents were like this. Always trying to interfere in our marriage and they did not approve of the house we bought either. They blamed me for that house because that was the first decision my ex made that went against his parents’ wishes. In fact, they never approved of anything we did. They still do not approve of anything my ex-husband does and he has been very hurt by them.

They live 1.5 hours away and used to call us at 11am on a Saturday morning to say they would be in town at 11:30 and wanted to meet for lunch. Grrrr. Didn’t matter if we had already made plans or not. The sun rose and set on their plans, their needs, themselves.

My ex would get off the phone and immediately he and I would turn on each other snapping and snarling like rabid wolves. Finally, one day I wised up and told him it was ok to say NO to his parents. Well, that changed everything. He looked startled for a minute and then said I was right and peace reigned on Saturday mornings in our home.

His parents disliked me even more after that. Too bad.

My ex was 42 years old when he began to say no to his parents and it was liberating for him. They still treat him terribly and disapprove of everything he does and he is still desperate for their approval, which he knows he will never get.

Your in-laws will never change but you can change how you deal with them. Perhaps you can help your wife to stand up to them. I will pray for you both.
 
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