Household Management - thoughts please?

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this reminds me of my saint- st. martha. i chose her for a different reason than the popular. i said to my dre- sure it is good to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen but it wont be much fun if no one has any clean underwear. my point is- prioritize!

2nd is simple. one word. NO. dont take on everyone else’s projects and problems before yours are done.

last. i found myself loosing control of the house. what was happening was i was developing OCD. bad. everything had to be just right and just so and just perfect. cant just put the socks and underwear away- it had to be folded in thirds and the socks had to be folded in half and and and … i think you catch my drift. if that is happening stand back and take a look and prioritize- how important is it that ALL the laundry is done all at once.

ok one more- do you want your kids to remember a clean house or a loving mom when they reminisce about childhood?
 
violetmarie said:
ok one more- do you want your kids to remember a clean house or a loving mom when they reminisce about childhood?
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Not to pick on you at all, because I get what you’re saying - but I want to comment on this idea.

My husband grew up in a cluttery, dusty house. Not squalor, not CPS worthy, but definitely “10 lbs of potatoes in a 5 lb. sack.” He said he never felt comfortable inviting friends and dates over, because he was embarrassed of his mother’s housekeeping and did not want people to think poorly of her. He grew up spending time at the homes of his friends, whose parents kept a neater home with more play space. Even though he kept his room clean, his parents never wanted to declutter (to this day their home is super cluttered), so he just resigned himself to not really having people over. Which is too bad, because his family is really nice. But his memories of the cluttery messy house make it so that he expects our house to be in ideal shape 24-7. Since he’s willing to put in half the effort, I’m on board with that.

My home is for all itents and purposes always clean. I have four kids and one on the way. I do spend a lot of time picking up and cleaning, and so does my husband. I am pretty strict with my kids about chores and “rules” that help keep our living space orderly (no toys are allowed outside of their bedrooms, eating at the table only, art projects have to be done jn the garage, etc.) but I am not beleagured and miserable to them. You really can keep a lovely, welcoming and clean home AND be a good parent! I am so not special in this regard. I want to watch my DVR shows and surf the net like everyone. But my husband really does not want to come home to a mess. I don’t want to wake up to one. I don’t want to hide when my neighbor drops by at 9 AM - I want to invite her in for coffee and not have to move a pile of laundry for her to have a seat.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that the “clean home vs. happy childhood” thing seems like a false dichotomy to me, because part of having good memories of your childhood includes a sense of pride in your home and feeling like your parents really strove to make it a peaceful place to live. I don’t think most people can truly have peace when they are living in a mess and every other thought is something negative about the state of the house. The peace that comes with a home that you have under control is so very priceless.
 
Another book you might profit from:

The House That Cleans Itself by Mindy Starns Clark

I also grew up in a poor, cluttered environment. The reason I
never brought anyone home to play was my alcoholic, abusive father,
not the cluttered, seldom cleaned house.

Not everyone is geared to "organized, cleaning behavior.

Try using the above book for a little while, it is geared toward
people who are not “born organized cleaners”.

Good bless you, you can do it, one bite at a time!
 
MaryMagdala said:
Another book you might profit from:

The House That Cleans Itself by Mindy Starns Clark

I also grew up in a poor, cluttered environment. The reason I
never brought anyone home to play was my alcoholic, abusive father,
not the cluttered, seldom cleaned house.

Not everyone is geared to "organized, cleaning behavior.

Try using the above book for a little while, it is geared toward
people who are not “born organized cleaners”.

Good bless you, you can do it, one bite at a time!
Click to expand...
And I grew up, not in clutter or dirt, but just dirt poor. My mother died when I was 10 and was chronically ill my whole life, so having friends over was difficult. Almost all of my friends were middle class while we definitely were poor working class. I felt ashamed of our second-hand furniture, tiny little house, etc. We were isolated for no other reason than that my dad had no social life of his own and never showed me how to have one. Anyway, just to say that sometimes not having people over is just…life.
 
JackieMom said:
Not to pick on you at all, because I get what you’re saying - but I want to comment on this idea.

My husband grew up in a cluttery, dusty house. Not squalor, not CPS worthy, but definitely “10 lbs of potatoes in a 5 lb. sack.” He said he never felt comfortable inviting friends and dates over, because he was embarrassed of his mother’s housekeeping and did not want people to think poorly of her. He grew up spending time at the homes of his friends, whose parents kept a neater home with more play space. Even though he kept his room clean, his parents never wanted to declutter (to this day their home is super cluttered), so he just resigned himself to not really having people over. Which is too bad, because his family is really nice. But his memories of the cluttery messy house make it so that he expects our house to be in ideal shape 24-7. Since he’s willing to put in half the effort, I’m on board with that.

My home is for all itents and purposes always clean. I have four kids and one on the way. I do spend a lot of time picking up and cleaning, and so does my husband. I am pretty strict with my kids about chores and “rules” that help keep our living space orderly (no toys are allowed outside of their bedrooms, eating at the table only, art projects have to be done jn the garage, etc.) but I am not beleagured and miserable to them. You really can keep a lovely, welcoming and clean home AND be a good parent! I am so not special in this regard. I want to watch my DVR shows and surf the net like everyone. But my husband really does not want to come home to a mess. I don’t want to wake up to one. I don’t want to hide when my neighbor drops by at 9 AM - I want to invite her in for coffee and not have to move a pile of laundry for her to have a seat.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that the “clean home vs. happy childhood” thing seems like a false dichotomy to me, because part of having good memories of your childhood includes a sense of pride in your home and feeling like your parents really strove to make it a peaceful place to live. I don’t think most people can truly have peace when they are living in a mess and every other thought is something negative about the state of the house. The peace that comes with a home that you have under control is so very priceless.
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I don’t think that having a cluttered house is as traumatic for every kid as it was for your husband. When I was a kid, I spent half my life in the home of a friend that probably WOULD be considered CPS worthy. What I remember about my friend’s mom is that she spent the day playing with her kids and their friends. Whenever we were over there, she taught us to do something useful. (crochet, sew, build a fire, make beads, make costumes, put on plays, grow vegetables, etc.) There was always junk all over the house and we used the stuff in all of our projects and activities. I thought it was a really fun place, though I admit I wouldn’t keep my home that way.

On the other hand, my maternal grandmother became a hoarder after she lost her four-year-old, and I know that was really hard on my mom. Her friends made fun of her house and her yard which was right across the street from the school. My grandma’s hoarding was also coupled with depression and alchoholism which is another reason it was so hard on my mom.

I think a comfortable home is a happy medium, where the home is generally kept clean, but the family is comfortable with kicking back occasionally and leaving a soda can out without a complete meltdown.
 
Peeking back in for an update to my situation 🙂

Well, things haven’t dramatically improved - but there is progress.

What I’ve been doing:
  1. Catching the kids being good (nothing major, just a “hey, thanks for putting that up” or “J, I appreciate you hanging up your coat.” Needless to say, the other kids in the room hear that and suddenly almost everyone is scurrying over to hang up their coat or put something away.
  2. Prayer is working - particularly important to me is Thomas Merton’s prayer about “Lord, I do not know where I am going…I do not see the road ahead…” It reminds me that I don’t have to “know” all the why’s and how’s, etc. I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to keep trying to please God and do my best.
  3. We are using paper plates/cups a bit. Can’t go all that way due to budget limitations (and fear of laziness wink), but using for snacks, lunches, etc. so as to ease up the doing dishes pressure until we can build better systems.
  4. I’m slowly amping up the “enforcer” part of parenting - becoming gradually more strict on them completing their chores - and gradually increasing what those chores include. I decided it was better to do this all gradually rather than stress them (and me) out by suddenly imposing martial law 🙂 But it’s a steady increase that I’m already seeing benefits from.
  5. Paper - I have a sort time (taking what is already backlogged and sorting it into trash, recycle, shred, priority (I really need to deal with it), to handle (I need to deal with it - but it can wait a bit), and other (sentimental paper, paper that just needs filing, etc.) Oh - and receipts are now their own category. I simply took a cardboard box, set it on top of the fridge and designated it “receipt box”. Eventually I get around to dealing with them - but for now, they are all together and if I need the receipt to return something, I know where it’ll be. To ease anxiety and OCD, I have arbitrarily decided to sort 60 items per day.
  6. Paper - Part 2. Each day I:
    a)handle all mail that comes in (sort as above in addition to the 60 items)
    b)work on dealing with what’s in the priority pile (maximum time 1 hour)
    Hopefully I’ll eventually come to the point where I can spend some time on the other categories (to handle, and other) but right now I’m working on dealing with getting the chaos under control and dealing with urgent stuff (field trip forms, bills, etc.) first.
  7. After dealing with paper, I’m working on splitting my time evenly between the day’s “events” and the day’s tasks.
    “Events” = meetings, shopping, school/church projects, kid’s homework, kid’s sports/activities, helping my mom, etc.
    “Tasks” - paper, laundry, cleaning, declutter, chores, exercise, prayer, yardwork, etc.
So far, having these boundaries has helped me feel like I’m starting to claim control again. That it’s okay to walk away and leave the laundry undone because I’ve finished my time for tasks and now I can go to my son’s game. And reverse, it’s okay to tell my kids that sorry, you’re on your own for awhile, you can ask each other for help if you need it, but it’s time for mom to do paperwork. Nothing may be totally finished (for awhile) and no one may get all that they wish from me (though I’m glad I’m wanted) but overall, I figure we’ll all survive and it will get better.

Thanks again for the support!
 
Oh - and I’ve request a couple of the books mentioned from the library - Thanks! 🙂

And, while I appreciate the links, I’ve looked into it and flylady just won’t work for me (it’s a personality clash, I guess) 🤷 But I’m glad she’s worked for you!!!
 
CradleJourney said:
Oh - and I’ve request a couple of the books mentioned from the library - Thanks! 🙂

And, while I appreciate the links, I’ve looked into it and flylady just won’t work for me (it’s a personality clash, I guess) 🤷 But I’m glad she’s worked for you!!!
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Hey, everyone has their own personality and approach, and it’s whatever WORKS for you, not that anyone has THE ONLY system to use. I come and go out of FlyLady’s deal, it’s a wee bit too cult-like for my liking at the moment, but I like her “babysteps” and “no perfectionism” aspects. But, everyone is different, so whatever works for you!

👍
 
CradleJourney said:
Peeking back in for an update to my situation 🙂

Well, things haven’t dramatically improved - but there is progress.
Click to expand...
Glad you’re seeing progress - that is the right direction, keep it up and you’ll get there.

I used my subscription to this thread as inspiration to get my apartment (and then my office) under control. The apartment is not perfect, but it is now presentabe/liveable tidy. I reaped the benefit this evening. My car needed new tyres and I asked our transport manager, who is also my neighbour, for some help with getting them. He took my car (and some cash) off to have this done and came back many hours later, having decided to stop off at the car wash on the way back. The mats from the front of the car were still wet, and he wanted to bring them into my apartment for me - it was so nice to be able to let him carry them in and put them where the sun will shine on them in the morning. (And before anyone thinks I’m a lazy ‘princess’, I have learned the hard way here that it is better to allow the guys who want to perform small courtesies to do so, rather than offend their sensibilities.)
 
VivienneJ said:
Glad you’re seeing progress - that is the right direction, keep it up and you’ll get there.

I used my subscription to this thread as inspiration to get my apartment (and then my office) under control. The apartment is not perfect, but it is now presentabe/liveable tidy. I reaped the benefit this evening. My car needed new tyres and I asked our transport manager, who is also my neighbour, for some help with getting them. He took my car (and some cash) off to have this done and came back many hours later, having decided to stop off at the car wash on the way back. The mats from the front of the car were still wet, and he wanted to bring them into my apartment for me - it was so nice to be able to let him carry them in and put them where the sun will shine on them in the morning. (And before anyone thinks I’m a lazy ‘princess’, I have learned the hard way here that it is better to allow the guys who want to perform small courtesies to do so, rather than offend their sensibilities.)
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👍:yup:

I’m in the middle of cleaning right now, I asked an interior designer friend I know to come over tomorrow and consult about redesigning our house, so I have to get things cleaned up! Some of this will be what FlyLady calls a “stash and dash,” which means you don’t have to time to do a deep cleaning so you move your piles out of the way temporarily. Hopefully not so far out of the way that you forget where they are! 😊

But I am determined to keep up with it, because I have too much stuff! Things I don’t need, but just have, and can’t seem to let go of, but that I don’t really want, either. It’s draining some of my energy just having to think about these things/papers/effects and what to do about them. One little babystep at a time!
 
VivienneJ said:
Glad you’re seeing progress - that is the right direction, keep it up and you’ll get there.

I used my subscription to this thread as inspiration to get my apartment (and then my office) under control. The apartment is not perfect, but it is now presentabe/liveable tidy. I reaped the benefit this evening. My car needed new tyres and I asked our transport manager, who is also my neighbour, for some help with getting them. He took my car (and some cash) off to have this done and came back many hours later, having decided to stop off at the car wash on the way back. The mats from the front of the car were still wet, and he wanted to bring them into my apartment for me - it was so nice to be able to let him carry them in and put them where the sun will shine on them in the morning. (And before anyone thinks I’m a lazy ‘princess’, I have learned the hard way here that it is better to allow the guys who want to perform small courtesies to do so, rather than offend their sensibilities.)
Click to expand...
Whoot! Whoot! Way to go 🙂

I keep having hopeful thoughts about how one day my kids will be able to spontaneously invite kids over, be able to hold sleepovers and us hosting cookouts. I got an extra motivation from our bible study of Hebrews that spoke about the importance of hospitality - so now I even have the Bible nagging me 😃

Today was successful because I sewed 3 buttons onto one of hubby’s work shirts so it can be used again (which, in itself is nothing much) - but the big deal was I knew exactly where to find the needles, thread, scissors, buttons and the shirt 👍

Also still working on catching up laundry - still having troubles with my washer (front-loader) intermittently deciding to quit and start flashing error codes. So that means having to rerun the load and hope for the best - sometimes it works fine, sometimes it glitches again, and I have to unplug it and wait awhile and try again. Needless to say, the extended warranty expired last month so I’m hoping whatever it is will work itself out (like it’s done in the past). So if anyone has a moment, an extra prayer for my washer would be appreciated.

Hugs to all!
 
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