Housemate Dilemma

[Moody]

I’m living in an all-women’s scholarship hall in college. One of my friends there is gay and out of the closet. She’s said a few times that she’s always been attracted to straight women, and she wants to get a girlfriend (though not a straight one, of course).

In our scholarship hall, we have two sleeping porches with twenty-five bunk beds in each. (No guests are allowed.) My friend sleeps in a bed next to mine, though I didn’t realize this until fairly recently. We also have communal showers and bathrooms, though the showers are separated.

I guess I have several dilemmas here:

1. Can I stay friends with her, even though she’s attracted to straight women?
2. Should I sleep in the other sleeping porch or in my room?
3. Can I stay in the scholarship hall at all? After all, this situation is the same as having a straight man sleeping in the same room as twenty-four girls. I don’t want to put my friend in the occasion of sin or cause grave scandal.

Thank you in advance for your help.

 

[Mintaka]

1. Obviously, you can remain friends with her. If you think either of you is a bad influence on the other, or if you feel like she’s coming onto you all the time, that would be different. Sometimes people who try to sound shocking are really just scared people who need friends. (And of course, sometimes they’re jerks. Try not to find this out the hard way.)
2. She’s not, strictly speaking, a lesbian. She’s a person who currently has an attraction to members of the same sex. It’s very common for college girls to decide they’re lesbians at school and then decide they’re straight when they leave college or meet a nice guy who doesn’t scare 'em. She’s a young kid, in other words. Her future is unformed. Don’t put her – or anyone else – in a box.
3. It would probably be prudent to move over to the other sleeping porch or to a further bed. IF you can do it without making a big deal about it. She might not be attracted to you and may think of you as a sister; you don’t want to make a big deal and give her ideas she might not have. You also don’t want everyone in the dorm to know your business, or your friend’s.

If you’re on a top bunk and she’s not, you’re probably okay for the nonce. (Just watch how you get into your bunk.) If you’re not constantly in your friend’s sightline and up out of the way, probably it’s a less iffy situation.

I probably don’t need to warn you, but make sure your friend doesn’t get drunk. Any potentially emotionally volatile situation gets more so when alcohol is added.

1. Don’t do anything out of peer pressure, and remember that your feelings and your safety are just as deserving of consideration as anyone else’s.

May God be with you, and with your friend.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

One time my dad had a roommate who was gay. When his roommate told him about this, my dad asked him if he should change some where else, and his roommate said, “Oh don’t worry, I’m not attracted to you.” And my dad said that at first he was relieved but then on second thought- offended!

Just because she has a same sex attraction doesn’t mean it’s “the same as having a straight man sleeping in the same room as twenty-four girls.” Cutting her off or shying away from her may cause more harm than good. You could maybe openly talk to her about your concerns and let her know you care.

 

[Moody]

1. She’s not, strictly speaking, a lesbian. She’s a person who currently has an attraction to members of the same sex. It’s very common for college girls to decide they’re lesbians at school and then decide they’re straight when they leave college or meet a nice guy who doesn’t scare 'em. She’s a young kid, in other words. Her future is unformed. Don’t put her – or anyone else – in a box.

You might be right, but she said she’s felt this way since high school. I think I can trust what she says.

Just because she has a same sex attraction doesn’t mean it’s “the same as having a straight man sleeping in the same room as twenty-four girls.”

Please explain why you think so. Wouldn’t she have the same temptations as a straight man in that situation? And since she’s out of the closet, won’t she and everyone else in the hall be causing grave scandal?

Thanks again for your help. And, just to make things clear, I get scrupulous from time to time. I just don’t want to commit a mortal sin by staying in my hall.

 

[BlaineTog]

I don’t see a problem. Just as long as you don’t encourage her or anything.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

Please explain why you think so. Wouldn’t she have the same temptations as a straight man in that situation? And since she’s out of the closet, won’t she and everyone else in the hall be causing grave scandal?

Thanks again for your help. And, just to make things clear, I get scrupulous from time to time. I just don’t want to commit a mortal sin by staying in my hall.

It’s not the same as having a straight man sleeping in the hall as 24 girls because your friend is not a straight man. Having same sex attractions does not make you a man. Your friend is still very much a woman and always will be. Therefore, the way in which she is aroused or attracted to someone is still the same way other women are, just distorted. Men are visually stimulated. So yes, having a man sleep in a room with 24 college girls in their PJ’s would cause a lot of problems for him.
Women aren’t as visual. I’m not saying that your friend isn’t going to encounter problems living with so many women, but I am trying to say that she is not a man.
She may be identifying herself as a lesbian. And she may have been attracted to women sexually since puberty. But her saying she is a lesbian doesn’t mean that she is completely out of control and wants to take advantage of everyone in your sorority. These temptations that she is suffering are her cross to bear- not yours. And you can help her carry it by asking her what helps her resist the temptations. It honestly could have nothing to do with the sleeping arrangements. Maybe she is not willing to have a conversation like that though because she is not interested in “resisting temptations” and is more interested in hedonistically experimenting with her sexuality.
In your interactions with her, it is important that you convey a sense of integrity. That you view sex as a giving of persons and not using people for your own selfish pleasure. (Its important that you convey that with everyone, really.) People with same sex attractions can learn (just like other people) to live chaste lives. We are all called to see others as God sees them. Ostracizing your friend and separating her from the group may reinforce to her that there is no hope and that she needs to just “accept” that her attractions are out of control. Right now she needs to know she is a woman, a child of God, and a sinner- just like everyone else.
You are NOT committing a mortal sin by sleeping in the same room. You should switch halls if she has expressed adamant interest in engaging in sexual behavior with you or has requested that you sleep somewhere else as to avoid temptation.