Housework: What's Fair?

[bumby]

For those who are married, or were, I am interested to know how you and your other halves share the housework. Could you also give details about other work you do/responsibilities?

My husband is doing less and less around the house and it is getting me very wound up.

Thanks

 

[1ke]

Define “fair” and how why it should apply to housework. You say your husband is doing “less”, “less” than what?

I see these as loaded terms. This is a prudential matter between the spouses.

 

[manualman]

Humans are innately biased towards their self interest. If your goal is to have a 50/50 division of labor, you will both always be grumpy and resentful. If you both have a goal to do 70% yourself, leaving just 30% for the other, you’ll be happy. (Note I said both. If he’s secretly pleased that you’re aiming for 70% so that he can watch more football, you should beat him with a frying pan…)

 

[LilyM]

Define “fair” and how why it should apply to housework. You say your husband is doing “less”, “less” than what?

I see these as loaded terms. This is a prudential matter between the spouses.

‘Less and less’ would indicate that he is now doing less than he did previously.

The answer depends on lots of things, such as:

Do either of you work? Or have other commitments such as study? What sort of hours? Is one partner’s job much more physical than the other’s?
Do you have children? If so how do you divide their care?
Do either of you have health issues that prevent your doing some or all of the tasks?
How do you divide up errands outside the home - grocery shopping etc?

Have there been major changes in respect of any of the above over time - more or fewer hours at work, changes in health etc?

 

[bumby]

I’ll try to refrain from getting the frying pan out.

I mean fair in that when we have free time and neither the children or the spouse is at home, we should do the things that need doing to make it easier on the returning spouse and children.

I asked him to do a few things (which would take 1 hr 30 mins tops) and he does one chore and leaves the rest, which meant I came home to dinner not prepped, hungry kids and clothes unwashed that are needed for tomorrow.

It makes me feel as though he doesn’t care about making it easier for anybody. And I would say hand on heart I probably do 65%.

 

[mab23]

me and my wife recently read the book 5 love languages and we both found out our primary love language is “acts of service” and we made a list and I my biggest one is Laundry and her’s is a clean bedroom area

and we both are neutral on dishes

so we have been working with some of the things suggested and so far its been getting better

I would recommend that book because before we would sometimes argue about who does more work around the house/ in general

 

[bumby]

There have been some changes.

He works a physical job, I work a desk job. I recently cut my hours to 3 days paid work and the others at home with the children (not yet school age) because I miss them and feel they should spend more time with their parents - or one of at them at least.

We are both in our late 20s and reasonably fit and healthy, thank God. The children spend 3 days with me while their father works, two days at nursery and then one day with him while I work. The other day we all have off together. He fixes/washes the car and does the drilling. I do the painting. I cook 85% of the time, do all the finances/paperwork (schooling, bills, etc). He does his fair share of Childcare when we are both at home, which is great.

I don’t even mind doing more than him because I’m at home more these days but I feel upset at how he doesn’t seem to care that chores need doing and I do my share and more already.

 

[St_Francis]

Sometmes we need to think outside the box. Maybe he has something on his mind, or maybe he was tired and took the time alone to totally relax and re-charge. I know I need to do that sort of thing.

So you come home and nothing is done: what does your family do if that happens “legitimately”? If he had been working on a car the whole time, for example? Probavly call out for pizza or take everyone to Mac Donalds, right?

So… go to MacDonalds (or whatever). Have breakfast for dinner. Whatever.

Run the laundry and take what you need out of the drier in the morning… (heresy, I know! My mother was so upset to hear I don’t hang around tye drier to pull the clothes out as soon as it stops so the clothes won’t wrinkle in there…)

I feel like you, sometimes frequently. I have to stop and re-think, because otherwise I would just get eaten up with resentment, and that is not good for a marriage. We all seem so primed to create perfection…

Annie

 

[LilyM]

There have been some changes.

He works a physical job, I work a desk job. I recently cut my hours to 3 days paid work and the others at home with the children (not yet school age) because I miss them and feel they should spend more time with their parents - or one of at them at least.

We are both in our late 20s and reasonably fit and healthy, thank God. The children spend 3 days with me while their father works, two days at nursery and then one day with him while I work. The other day we all have off together. He fixes/washes the car and does the drilling. I do the painting. I cook 85% of the time, do all the finances/paperwork (schooling, bills, etc). He does his fair share of Childcare when we are both at home, which is great.

I don’t even mind doing more than him because I’m at home more these days but I feel upset at how he doesn’t seem to care that chores need doing and I do my share and more already.

So he works what - 5 days a week in a physical job vs your 3 in a desk job? Then he does maybe double the work outside the home that you do. And you’ve said you do 65% - of what? Everything else?

There is an hour and a half of chores and then there is an hour and a half of chores. As Einstein said ‘the length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on’

Was this an hour and a half of chores at the end of an already busy day for him? An hour and a half of chores dictated to him with no warning as you walked out he door, with no consideration for any plans he might have had or other things he might have needed to do?
An hour and a half of chores that really didn’t need to all be done that day, or even at all? For example, daily dusting and vacuuming that can easily be done every second day with no real harm? Maybe an unnecessarily elaborate meal requiring lots of fiddly prep when something simpler would have done just as well?

I’ve also got to agree with the poster who recommended discussing what each of you actually does and which chores each of you prefer doing, as well as which are most important to each of you.

Ask him - without accusation - why he did the chores he did and left the ones he left. Is it the same ones every time? Perhaps he can do some of the stuff you ordinarily do in return for your doing the ones he is ‘allergic’ to.

 

[JRKH]

In so far as a routine is concerned…fair is what is mutually agreeable to both parties.

Sounds like you and he should have a sit down and discuss the matter.

Marriage should not be a bout “fair” - and that includes housework. Marriage should be about giving to one another out of love - and that should include housework.

Peace
James

 

[Allegra]

I do most of the housework and I don’t mind it. My husband has a few “man jobs” (trash, yard work, and shovelling the driveway) that I simply don’t expect to have to do, but he will often help out with running the vacumn sweeper or occasionally filling the dishwasher if he notices that it needs to be done. I don’t know if the arrangement if “fair” exactly. It’s not like I don’t have a job of my own, but it works fine for us. I expect he would pitch in more if I was ill or something. I certainly don’t mind cleaning my own house. I’d have to clean it myself if he wasn’t here wouldn’t I? The only thing I mind is when he leaves weird objects out and all over the place and I have to collect them before I can clean anything. I’m not talking about leaving the razor on the vanity or socks that are sort of near the basket rather than in the basket. That’s reasonable. I mean like drinking glasses set on top of the wash machine or a random book under a chair or the contents of one mailbox being scattered among three different rooms.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, I did half the housework plus the yard-work. My wife left myself and the kids.

Guess it was one less thing for her to worry about leaving the kids, knowing I could handle keeping up with the household chores- cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.

 

[Margy1948]

There have been some changes.

He works a physical job, I work a desk job. I recently cut my hours to 3 days paid work and the others at home with the children (not yet school age) because I miss them and feel they should spend more time with their parents - or one of at them at least.

We are both in our late 20s and reasonably fit and healthy, thank God. The children spend 3 days with me while their father works, two days at nursery and then one day with him while I work. The other day we all have off together. He fixes/washes the car and does the drilling. I do the painting. I cook 85% of the time, do all the finances/paperwork (schooling, bills, etc). He does his fair share of Childcare when we are both at home, which is great.

I don’t even mind doing more than him because I’m at home more these days but I feel upset at how he doesn’t seem to care that chores need doing and I do my share and more already.

Well, he’s financing your two days at home so I see no reason why you shouldn’t ’ not mind’ doing more around the home.
Try being a single mom with no other income for five days and you’ll see you got a pretty deal with your guy.

 

[bumby]

So he works what - 5 days a week in a physical job vs your 3 in a desk job? Then he does maybe double the work outside the home that you do. And you’ve said you do 65% - of what? Everything else?

There is an hour and a half of chores and then there is an hour and a half of chores. As Einstein said ‘the length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on’

Was this an hour and a half of chores at the end of an already busy day for him? An hour and a half of chores dictated to him with no warning as you walked out he door, with no consideration for any plans he might have had or other things he might have needed to do?
An hour and a half of chores that really didn’t need to all be done that day, or even at all? For example, daily dusting and vacuuming that can easily be done every second day with no real harm? Maybe an unnecessarily elaborate meal requiring lots of fiddly prep when something simpler would have done just as well?

I’ve also got to agree with the poster who recommended discussing what each of you actually does and which chores each of you prefer doing, as well as which are most important to each of you.

Ask him - without accusation - why he did the chores he did and left the ones he left. Is it the same ones every time? Perhaps he can do some of the stuff you ordinarily do in return for your doing the ones he is ‘allergic’ to.

Goodness lily m. You seem to be inferring that because I don’t get paid for looking after my children that I should do everything around the house. I have only very very recently taken on the part time hours so before this we both worked full time and the situation was the same.

We had soup for dinner, homemade. It was very easy. And with two young children, though I might love to, I don’t dust or vacuum every day. I asked him to do the chores before work, after he got up/breakfasted. I don’t stop once I get in from work if his shift is late, seeing to the children and doing dinner, bedtime routine, dishes, paperwork, laundry - I know it needs doing and I do it. Anyway this isn’t about how stupendous I am for being a mother and tending to the home - it is more about that he feels I’m there to look after everybody yet get little to no help in return. Let’s face it, women lose out in marriage.

 

[bumby]

Well, he’s financing your two days at home so I see no reason why you shouldn’t ’ not mind’ doing more around the home.
Try being a single mom with no other income for five days and you’ll see you got a pretty deal with your guy.

I would actually be no worse off not working at all because childcare fees are so high so I don’t see it that way.

I am married - I am not talking about being a single parent and frankly I don’t see that as much of a helpful or constructive response.

 

[28562]

Wow, just when one interesting thread gets locked, another one pops up.

Women don’t lose out in marriage. Spouses who don’t communicate do.

Sounds to me like you guys are pulling pretty equal weight, but there is bad communication and attitudes to go along with it.

 

[bumby]

I guarantee women lose out! Their bodies are wrecked by childbirth and are a drudge, more often than not.

 

[underacloud]

I would actually be no worse off not working at all because childcare fees are so high so I don’t see it that way.

Easy then…

Stop working and spend that time at home doing the chores. No financial loss and the problem with chores is solved.

 

[28562]

I guarantee women lose out! Their bodies are wrecked by childbirth and are a drudge, more often than not.

It’s beginning to be so clear now.

Do you realize you seem to really have an anti man chip on your shoulder? There is more to this story than you are letting on, I think…

Yes, my wife has had 4 kids. I would not call her body ‘wrecked’. I think it’s beautiful. She is a stay at home mom. Maybe a drudge to you, but she loves it. She does the majority of the household stuff, takes care of our money, cooks, and raises 4 awesome kids and flat out works her tail off. I help as much as I possibly can, between taking 16 hours this semester at college, working full time plus overtime, sleeping 4 hrs per night, taking care of the cars, yard, house, fixing things etc etc.

Neither one of us is unhappy or complaining about the other. Why? Because we are more concerned with doing what’s best for each other and the family rather than what is best for me, me, me. Attitude makes all the difference in the world.

 

[gh4]

My husband died when when we were both 28, my boys were 5 and 8.
Oh how I wish I had him back, to be able to wash his clothes, cook his meals and cuddle with him. I would be more than happy to do all the laundry, just to have him back to carry out the trash once a week when it’s cold out. Or to have him get up and see what went bump in the night. And to have him cut the grass on Saturdays or shovel the snow.
I’d love to vacuum the living room every night if he was here to take my car in every 4000 miles and get the oil changed. Or if he would go out and listen to that funny noise it’s making and tell me if it’s serious or not.
I’d iron his clothes every week if only he were here to call when the car breaks down and I need a ride home.
And I’d do it all cheerfully as well as my own job if only he had been there to help my son’s make their pinewood derby cars and to go on the father son camp outs. If he’d been there to help raise them and to have those “talks” with them that young boys need.

But he’s wasn’t there and I still had to do all the cooking and cleaning and vacuuming and laundry and get the oil changed and take out the garbage and get up and see what those strange noises were at 3am. And I raised my boys and I helped them make those derby cars (we never won!!) and I did all that I could do to make up for their dad being dead. And I worked full time, as a nurse, odd hours too.

So you know what? Be thankful that your kids have both a dad and a mom to love them and support them and that you have someone to hug and hold during the tough times and someone to celebrate with during the good times. Life is so much easier with a partner, someone you love and who loves you. Who cares if the chores are even, such is life. Some day when you’re both retired and maybe doing some traveling, it won’t matter one little bit who did more chores or who earned more money or who cooked more often, it matters that you loved and lived and you made it through life with each other to love and to lean on and help get though it all…together.

And that’s pretty much how I feel about that. Life isn’t always fair, but you can make it a good life. Just talk and work things out. TALK. It’s important.