Housework: What's Fair?

[Am2010]

For those who are married, or were, I am interested to know how you and your other halves share the housework. Could you also give details about other work you do/responsibilities?

My husband is doing less and less around the house and it is getting me very wound up.

Thanks

My husband has a very demanding, high position career. I am a stay at home Mom. I do most of the domestic chores. He does all of the exterior such as lawn care, snow removal, car care etc. It works for us.

 

[Allegra]

I’m pretty sure you’re the father of the family and not a same sex spouse, right?

If so, I want to share that I too grew up in what has to be a very unique family, A father bringing up a daughter. My mother died when I was very young.

This is why I was glad when the courts started awarding children to the father on an equal basis, men are fine at the job when they have to do it.

I hope you’re getting child support.

My parents were divorced when I was very young and since they both lived in seperate households, they both did chores. Single men cleaning their own homes and cooking their own food is normal unless they live with their mothers.

 

[Kal2012]

What’s fair is what works for your family.

I stay at home, so I do the majority of stuff. Outside work is taken care of because we live in an apartment.

Still, he cleans his own bathroom, does laundry (the washer is in his ‘man-cave’ where all his computer stuff is, so he’s more than happy to do it!) He’ll cook/help with the dishes once in awhile. He’s not a neat freak and neither am I, so unless things get really super messy, then it’s really not an issue. The basic stuff gets done on a daily basis and we know who’s responsible for what (for the most part).

The only major problem is that we both hate doing garbage and walking w/it to the dumpster. Still, since I’m home most of the day, I end up doing that because I’m home and it’s got to get done.

 

[Ms_Manners]

For those who are married, or were, I am interested to know how you and your other halves share the housework. Could you also give details about other work you do/responsibilities?

We both work full time. He works five days a week, but he has to work on some weekends (they take turns), mostly it’s one or two weekends a month. I work five days a week, but I start later and also finish later than him, have to stay longer occassionally and go away for a few days several times a year. His job is more physical, mine is sometimes more stressful, but not always.
We don’t have kids yet, we have two dogs and two cats.
Obviously, it would not function if one of us had to do all the housework.
Mostly we take turns, with cooking, dishes, walking the dogs and feeding all of them, but we don’t have a system or rule, the principle is that the one who has more time does more housework.
There are some things only one of us does, for practical reasons or simple dislike, he vacuums (our old one was heavy and it was easier for him to do it), I do the laundry (he hasn’t learned how to use the washing machine yet), but it’s not set in stone. In general there aren’t things we both dislike. We do the shopping together.
We never really talked about who does what, we don’t fight about it, we both had the same idea in the beginning - it’s something we share as long as we both work, and it just works for us.
On the weekend I like to do more, I clean up really thoroughly, and on weekdays he cooks more often (not every day), because he has some time before I get home, so we can relax for those few hours we have together. We might be close to 50-50, but we don’t keep score.

 

[jay29]

I do all outside work as well as have a full and part time jobs. She does all the inside work except maybe laundry on occasion when I need something washed.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I’m pretty sure you’re the father of the family and not a same sex spouse, right?

If so, I want to share that I too grew up in what has to be a very unique family, A father bringing up a daughter. My mother died when I was very young.

This is why I was glad when the courts started awarding children to the father on an equal basis, men are fine at the job when they have to do it.

I hope you’re getting child support.

Yes, I’m the Dad. I’m sorry you lost your mother at such a young age. Mine were older when their Mom moved out - 12, 14 and 18- but having her decide she’d rather live somewhere without them was devastating to my 14 yr old daughter, it was about 6 months before starting high school. Their mom lives just a few miles away, comes by in the morning and visits at least one afternoon during the week. Daughters are now 16 and 21 and would rather go clothes/makeup shopping together, but I do take the younger one occasionally. High school years are hard and I’m not the same as having both Mom and Dad in the home to a girl.

Funny, I’ve read studies claiming men doing housework tends to diminish them in their spouses eyes- see them as less manly. Then other studies claiming women find it appealing. All I know is that in my case, we shared the housework pretty equally, she cooked more and I would do the dishes more. We both did the housecleaning, bathrooms, kitchen and laundry.

Child support? I actually pay child support although my ex had offered to forego it. I’ll PM you.

 

[Litcrit]

I guess I believe there can be an objective “fair” but it’s very difficult to “calculate.” It takes into account not just how many hours one works at different jobs - outside or in the home - but also the spouses respective skills, preferences, levels of tiredness at different times of day, etc.

Communication and love make it easy to find this “fair” intuitively.

I teach 3 days a week, 4-6 hours. On my way from work I gladly and easily stop by to pay the bills, shop for food at the farmer’s market, and do other types of shopping. I like to be in charge of food preparation, even though my husband is the better cook, because I’m the one more interested in healthy food. I also bathe our girls.

My husband is a musician and plays 1-2 gigs a week. He’s at home the rest of the time and gladly and easily cleans, vacuums, scrubs, declutters, does the dishes and the laundry. He’s physically very strong and sees some of it as exercise.

I have no idea how we fare on percentages, but this works for us.

 

[mommamaree]

Here is how we handle this in our marriage, for what it is worth.
He is the primary breadwinner, always has been. Prior to kids, I just found work where I could. After kids, I stayed home.
Throughout our marriage, I just do everything my body can handle. I do whatever needs to be done, inside or outside the house, or with errand-running or projects (even getting the auto work done).
With whatever daylight hours and energy I have, I work.
My husband is more like me in that way NOW, but wasn’t always that way. I would say when our third child was born, suddenly there was no room for selfishness, and he started leading the family and getting things done more.
But whatever stage of our marriage we were in, we had an agreed upon time to declare work done for the day (usually 8 or 9pm). At that point, whatever was left would be waiting for us tomorrow. Then we would relax with a snack or drink, board game or TV program, just talking or relaxing together.
We do not ever allow ourselves to keep score. There is no 50:50.
We each give 100% of our time, energy, and ability, and we respect when the other says, “I am sorry, but I have reached my limit”.
This works very well for us. It may not work for everyone, or every situation, but it keeps me and my husband working as a team and best friends with each other.

 

[Margy1948]

Yes, I’m the Dad. I’m sorry you lost your mother at such a young age. Mine were older when their Mom moved out - 12, 14 and 18- but having her decide she’d rather live somewhere without them was devastating to my 14 yr old daughter, it was about 6 months before starting high school. Their mom lives just a few miles away, comes by in the morning and visits at least one afternoon during the week. Daughters are now 16 and 21 and would rather go clothes/makeup shopping together, but I do take the younger one occasionally. High school years are hard and I’m not the same as having both Mom and Dad in the home to a girl.

Funny, I’ve read studies claiming men doing housework tends to diminish them in their spouses eyes- see them as less manly. Then other studies claiming women find it appealing. All I know is that in my case, we shared the housework pretty equally, she cooked more and I would do the dishes more. We both did the housecleaning, bathrooms, kitchen and laundry.

Child support? I actually pay child support although my ex had offered to forego it. I’ll PM you.

I have a friend who wanted children but she didn’t want a husband and she didn’t want to raise them. She had two, and gave custody to the father, both of them grew up to be compassionate people, both of them work and make their own way in the world financially.
I have to admit that at the time, I found her situation really strange.
She explained to me that when she met Tony that her mating instincts came out, she knew she was willing to go thru the pregnancies, which are hard on a woman’s body, she apparently never considered abortion altho it was legal at the time.
She felt he would be a good parent, and he was. She didn’t think that she would be so hot at the job.
(Maybe, on some level, the mother of your girls knew when she met you that you would be the best man she would ever meet to parent her children. That’s one heckuva compliment…and it’s a sign of great respect. You could always say the first one was an accident, but she would NOT have had two if she didn’t want those people here! She knew what she was doing, most of the time, women do. )
The kids have no hate or resentment towards their mom. The daughter wrote a beautiful essay about her, the son lives near and does all the ‘guy’ stuff at her house and he’s a carpenter!!
My friend and I are both senior citizens now, and sadly, the father has passed away, and btw, he passed away in her house, she nursed him to the last moment.
I’m just saying…that these situations can work out.
The mother of your children gave you two people in your life that otherwise would not be there. You gave her the assurance that those children would be cherished and cared for.
I think this is a beautiful situation.

 

[Margy1948]

Here is how we handle this in our marriage, for what it is worth.
He is the primary breadwinner, always has been. Prior to kids, I just found work where I could. After kids, I stayed home.
Throughout our marriage, I just do everything my body can handle. I do whatever needs to be done, inside or outside the house, or with errand-running or projects (even getting the auto work done).
With whatever daylight hours and energy I have, I work.
My husband is more like me in that way NOW, but wasn’t always that way. I would say when our third child was born, suddenly there was no room for selfishness, and he started leading the family and getting things done more.
But whatever stage of our marriage we were in, we had an agreed upon time to declare work done for the day (usually 8 or 9pm). At that point, whatever was left would be waiting for us tomorrow. Then we would relax with a snack or drink, board game or TV program, just talking or relaxing together.
We do not ever allow ourselves to keep score. There is no 50:50.
We each give 100% of our time, energy, and ability, and we respect when the other says, “I am sorry, but I have reached my limit”.
This works very well for us. It may not work for everyone, or every situation, but it keeps me and my husband working as a team and best friends with each other.

Wow, you are TOO cool!!
I love the way you resolved the issue.
As a single woman who hates housework (I mean, how many toilets can you scrub before the thrill is gone?) I kept wondering why folks in this thread, didn’t hire someone from the outside to do the work they didn’t like. My Housemate and
I would rather hang out with two people like you two in an untidy house than in a spotless one where the the two people keeps sniping at each other.

 

[MaryB23]

Just a question…
Have you ever told anyone in your house that they had loaded the dishwasher wrong?
It’s amazing how quickly one can develop an aversion to something based on a single critical comment. Often times we don’t even realize it. Peace
James

OK, but what if their way isn’t effective at getting the dishes clean? For example, my husband repeatedly puts pots and pans on the top rack. Even pots that had spaghetti sauce that was somewhat stuck on (whoops, I got distracted while cooking and forgot to stir ). We usually start the dishwasher in the evening before we go to bed and I or the kids unload it the next day so he doesn’t always see that the pots aren’t cleaned. I have told him repeatedly (granted, probably not always nicely) but I don’t think it’s too much to expect that if someone loads the dishwasher they do so in a way that the dishes come out clean. Should he get a pass at loading the dishwasher because I’ve criticized the way he does it?

 

[mommamaree]

OK, but what if their way isn’t effective at getting the dishes clean? For example, my husband repeatedly puts pots and pans on the top rack. Even pots that had spaghetti sauce that was somewhat stuck on (whoops, I got distracted while cooking and forgot to stir ). We usually start the dishwasher in the evening before we go to bed and I or the kids unload it the next day so he doesn’t always see that the pots aren’t cleaned. I have told him repeatedly (granted, probably not always nicely) but I don’t think it’s too much to expect that if someone loads the dishwasher they do so in a way that the dishes come out clean. Should he get a pass at loading the dishwasher because I’ve criticized the way he does it?

My husband is like this, too. I have had to figure out how to show him without embarrassing or nagging. It is still a work in progress, but what progress we have made is for me to not be the slightest bit exasperated when I talk to him. I wait till next time we had that kind of dirty dish again, and I say “hey, this one hasn’t been coming clean lately. Let’s try putting the dish here, and use extra detergent in the machine, with the pots and pans cycle.” there is no blame that way, just us putting our heads together to get it done well. Also, I started using coupons to get good deals on the name brand cleaning products, like Cascade and Jet Dry. There is a reason why other brands are cheaper. My way of making it easier for my whole family to help me out is to provide cleaning products that require less elbow grease to get stuff clean.

 

[mommamaree]

Another housekeeping help strategy that works for us:
I type up and print out signs with schedules and procedures for EVERYTHING that I might ever need help with.
Laundry, kitchen, morning routine, bedtime routine, etc.

This helps a lot because I have been pregnant or breastfeeding or both, plus homeschooling for a good portion of that time, for the last 8 years, with only small breaks of a few months here and there. For a mother who works outside the home, I imagine she would similarly need help, and need the job done completely, without having to undo and redo the work herself later.
So if I reach the end of my energy, or if it is family work day (Saturday mornings in our house), then my husband and reading children can follow the lists or procedures. No nagging. Very peaceful.
Then, I assume they have done their best and I recall the FlyLady’s exhortation “Housework done imperfectly still blesses the home!” (and it blesses the mommy)

 

[PetiteFoi]

As a SAHM, I take care of most of the nitty-gritty housework. Dishes, laundry, etc,
However, I’m married to an awesome man who never complains if I ask him to help , I think that’s why I don’t ask often.

Just this week, I got quite sick and with a year and half old running around, I was pretty spent and not doing a heck of a lot.
Hubby checked up with me during the day, brought home dinner, washed the baby, put her to bed and even got up in the middle of the night to rock her.

He works hard for his family, so I try to work hard to keep his home a place he wants to keep coming back to - it’s not just about clean dishes and a vacuumed floor, but a place full of love and comfort.

When it comes to housework, he’d do it all - so I do as much as I can, so he doesn’t have to. :blushing:

Peace,

• PetiteFoi

 

[Monte_RCMS]

There is a family I am very familiar with … the wives tend to be highly “perfectionist” … the husbands are all “lazy good for nothings”.

One of the husbands got sick and just suddenly died.

Another one of the husbands got so distracted that he was killed on the job.

Real cases.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m a SAHM too so I do a bulk of the housework and cooking. I mostly do the daily chores like laundry, dishes, picking up clutter and making beds (I don’t like to see beds unmade…I think military basic corrupted me ).
I do all of the shopping and most of the childcare.

But he is a huge help. If he has a day off he has no problem emptying and clearing the dishwasher, getting through laundry (actually, it’s fun when we fold cloth diapers because my baby girl likes to “help” us fold them and we make it a family event) and picking up. He cooks at least 2-3 times a week.

Every night we swap the bedtime routine. Someone takes care of the kitchen after dinner and the other does the baby routine with baths, reading and putting to bed.

There are certain things he does that I don’t do. We have a cast iron skillet that he loves. He cleans it. He does the finances and bill paying because he is way better with our budget then I am. He does the yard work like mowing and snow shoveling. I do some shoveling just because it’s a good workout.

But when it comes to a good house cleaning…I do that. If we do decide to clean the house on his days off and the kiddo is napping…he does the kitchen and I’ll do almost everything else…especially the bathrooms. Only I will clean the bathrooms. I’m serious about how my bathroom gets cleaned.

I don’ know. It’s an unspoken rule between us. We do what we do and we never complain.

 

[plaidshoes]

I haven’t even finished reading all the replies and they just seem so frustrating. I can relate to the OP because right now I am desperately trying to get my husband to work on some things around the house (things that I cannot easily do on my own like hang a curtain rod on top of a high window).

I feel that men have totally different priorities and will put things off and put things off until we go berserk and then they wonder why we yell at them. Or maybe that’s just in my home. Currently in our home we have had a long chat about chores and my husband explained how much it bothers him the way I address him and raise my voice. We have both agreed to try not to yell and he told me to make him a “honey-do list.” I typed up the list and printed it out and he said he would take care of “all of it” that weekend. He did one thing on the list. This week he has done nothing else on the list and now it’s Saturday and he claims he will do some of it. I will not be holding my breath.

I am also recently at home more (in my case a SAHM now). Just because we work in the home all week does not mean we do nothing in the home all weekend. However, if our spouse does nothing with the home all weekend and blames the escape on working all week how is that fair?

My only advice right now is that you should give a man a wider window of opportunity to do a chore (the night you came home with no dinner and no clothes… might have been a last minute request on your part. Perhaps pick one or the other. “Please throw the clothes in the wash and order pizza”). Asking him to do it before breakfast/work in the morning sounds like an awful way to wake up. I don’t know how early he has to get up. My husband never does things in my time schedule and reminds me that he does not operate on my schedule. However, when I give him a full week (I would like this done this week) sure enough he will say at 11pm at the end of the week that he will do it “tonight.” Drives me bonkers (especially when “tonight” turns into “tomorrow” and so forth).

 

[bumby]

Take it easy, your home doesn’t sound like a happy place, but it’s in your power to fix it because the wife and mother really is the person who sets the tone.
You don’t seem to be aware that there are women ‘out there’ who have agendas, and one of them is to engage with men, they do this for company, for dinner, for intimacy and sometimes for a child.
When a guy is happy at home I would guess that he can blow the temptation off.
Martha Stewart keeps a perfect home, always looks perfect, made lots of money, but she couldn’t keep her man.
It’s not about how clean the house is, apparently.

So… You’re saying I clearly have an unhappy marriage because I ask my husband to do housework and I should watch it because if I’m not careful he’ll have an affair. Thanks, but that is silly. There would have to be a lot of things wrong for that to happen.

I did realise I went OTT and am taking the advice of giving him a menu of chores rather than a list.

 

[katolsk]

I’m a SAHM too so I do a bulk of the housework and cooking. I mostly do the daily chores like laundry, dishes, picking up clutter and making beds (I don’t like to see beds unmade…I think military basic corrupted me ).
I do all of the shopping and most of the childcare.

But he is a huge help. If he has a day off he has no problem emptying and clearing the dishwasher, getting through laundry (actually, it’s fun when we fold cloth diapers because my baby girl likes to “help” us fold them and we make it a family event) and picking up. He cooks at least 2-3 times a week.

Every night we swap the bedtime routine. Someone takes care of the kitchen after dinner and the other does the baby routine with baths, reading and putting to bed.

There are certain things he does that I don’t do. We have a cast iron skillet that he loves. He cleans it. He does the finances and bill paying because he is way better with our budget then I am. He does the yard work like mowing and snow shoveling. I do some shoveling just because it’s a good workout.

But when it comes to a good house cleaning…I do that. If we do decide to clean the house on his days off and the kiddo is napping…he does the kitchen and I’ll do almost everything else…especially the bathrooms. Only I will clean the bathrooms. I’m serious about how my bathroom gets cleaned.

I don’ know. It’s an unspoken rule between us. We do what we do and we never complain.

It’s almost identical in my house except we complain from time to time.

 

[Cable]

It made my hair stand on end when you said you came home from work and everyone was hungry and wailing, and there was no dinner . Here’s a couple of ideas, some are mine, some my friends’ to help keep everyone fed and happy on busy days;

1. Prepare a meal the night before that can be popped in the oven,
2. Cook double the quantity the family can eat, and reserve half for another meal, (you’d have to both be OK w/ “leftovers” ),
3. Prepare 3 or 4 times the quantity and freeze it for the future when someone can put it in the oven while you’re on your way home, or at the very least, preheat the oven,
4. Order take out when you leave work and pick it up on the way home.