How am i to treat this person

[kittyplant]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

 

[ClearWater]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

Sometimes, it´s necessary. I’m not sure the best way to phrase that.

 

[RinoaHeartilly]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

I agree with Clearwater, sometimes if someone’s just not a good person to be around, no matter how much you like them you sometimes have to cut ties with them. I had to do that with two friends of mine who were causing me great unnecessary stress (they were just dramatic, demanding people) a couple years ago. I’m sure if you said it in a kind way and got your point across you’re fine. C’est la vie.

 

[Jennifoo]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

I think it’s okay if this has been an ongoing cycle of behavior. It could be bad for both of you. I recommend praying for this person- offer rosaries, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and your Holy Communions.

Prayer makes a world of difference. I can personally attest to this. I have recently experienced some very hurtful behavior on the part of both laypeople and clergy. I then had the realization that these people are some of my enemies and that our Lord said to “pray for our enemies and do good to those that persecute us.” I started praying for them everyday, sometimes by name, sometimes not as this could upset me more. I offered prayers such as the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, the Holy Rosary and my Holy Communions asking our Lord to send the Holy Spirit to them to convict them of their sins and lead them to repentance and conversion. My reasoning was that it’s always right to pray for the Holy Spirit to help someone in this way because we all have sins, faults and failings to overcome. I knew that these prayers would help them, even if I wouldn’t directly benefit from them.

BOY did it work! At Christmas one of the people who had previously snubbed me came up to me after Mass and wished me a Merry Christmas. Today, I went to a Knights of Columbus luncheon and a woman was there who had been really rude to me all the 10 plus years I had known her. Today she was so warm and kind to me, it was unbelievable. I almost wanted to take her temperature to see if she was coming down with something. Then I remembered the prayers I had prayed for her and saw how the Lord answered them.

Hope this helps. It can be such a cross to have difficult and rancorous relationships.

 

[robwar]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

If the relationship is generally contentious and difficult then it would be ok to say politely that while the converstions start out as friendly, there are conflicts and difficulties that seem inevitable and that maybe friendship isn’t possible right now and both of us need to take a brake from each other for a while. That is putting the problem on the incompatibility in the relationship instead of on the other person. Not sure if you put it as bluntly as your post but everyone has made relationship mistake and the best thing to do is learn from them and move on. Likewise as another poster said, say some prayers for the other person.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

There is someone who it feels impossible for me to get along with. Whenever he periodically calls me we are both happy to hear from each other but then it quickly turns into pain and confusion and arguing. I told this person not to contact me anymore. Is it ok to do that? How should I have said it?

Yes, it is both okay and wise. In my opinion, since you say your conversations quickly turn into pain and confusion, saying it outright and bluntly leaves no room for confusion and stops the cycle of pain (hopefully for both of you). Sometimes people will pick apart your words when you try to say something nicely and may even turn around and say the same thing you are trying to say (no contact, treat me better, etc), but in a nasty way. Saying things plain may prevent that.

I have had the same kind of phone calls (with a boyfriend years ago). Not every one of them was like that and many were nice long chats, but when it turned bad I was not prepared and taken by surprise. I would even get sick while talking at times and have to run to the bathroom, or my hand would shake so much that I would almost drop the phone. Anything I said then would often be twisted or challenged and confusion did reign and lasted for days. In retrospect, I should have put my foot down in no uncertain terms.

Just be sure that you stick by what you said and can live with it. Once you retract it, or contact them, things will be more confusing and painful if you reach out with contacting the person. If you are sorry you said it, you may want to say so. But search yourself first to see if you really want to put yourself in that position.

Is this a family member? It would be sad, if so.

 

[oneofmany]

I’ve had sort of the same problem. A friend who I use to talk to for hours on the phone is no longer fun to talk with, she had grown so negative about most everything.

I have caller ID so when she calls I don’t answer but call her back when I know she won’t have much time to talk. I don’t call her much anymore but she still calls me at times.

I try to change the topic when she starts to complain about things but it’s hard. If I tell her of something that is happy that has happened in my family she will say something negative like, “well no one ever gave her anything.” It just throws cold water on it.

Sometimes I feel like telling her off but I know it won’t help. I don’t fight with her but if you are fighting with your friend I think it would be ok to say something about not wanting to fight and it seems like all your calls turn into fights so it would be best to start limiting them. Maybe your friend would start to change if he knows you won’t be talking as much if a fight starts. Tell him you need to go when a fight starts so he knows what to expect.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I’ve had sort of the same problem. A friend who I use to talk to for hours on the phone is no longer fun to talk with, she had grown so negative about most everything.

I have caller ID so when she calls I don’t answer but call her back when I know she won’t have much time to talk. I don’t call her much anymore but she still calls me at times.

I try to change the topic when she starts to complain about things but it’s hard. If I tell her of something that is happy that has happened in my family she will say something negative like, “well no one ever gave her anything.” It just throws cold water on it.

Some of my family members tease each other when someone says something negative. They will say “Debbie Downer” (the character on Saturday Night Live) and make the wa-wa sound that goes along with that name. It is embarrassing, but funny.

 

[oneofmany]

LOL, that is who she reminds me of now. I guess the best thing I can do is learn from it and not be as negative as she is. She complains her DILs don’t like her much, I can see why but I can’t say much about it. I am hoping it’s not as bad as she says it is, I think she just may be unloading on me since I have been a safe person for her in the past.

 

[bsf]

I learned “arguing” at a very young age. I have been unable to correct this character flaw. Maybe God will give me the grace to correct this and I can learn to cooperate with His will some day. However, the point is I understand argumentative behavior. It takes two to argue. I suggest you stop arguing with him.

I need to be very careful about giving “friendship” advice, because I am not a very good “friend”. However, I have found it easier to remain in some relationships by considering the relationship as thus: “I am called to be his/her friend, but he/she may never be my friend.” I think it would be very unhealthy to view all relationships that way, and you need to maintain your own well being. Can you maintain your own well being and serve this individual by changing how you view the relationship?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve had sort of the same problem. A friend who I use to talk to for hours on the phone is no longer fun to talk with, she had grown so negative about most everything.

I have caller ID so when she calls I don’t answer but call her back when I know she won’t have much time to talk. I don’t call her much anymore but she still calls me at times.

I try to change the topic when she starts to complain about things but it’s hard. If I tell her of something that is happy that has happened in my family she will say something negative like, “well no one ever gave her anything.” It just throws cold water on it.

Sometimes I feel like telling her off but I know it won’t help. I don’t fight with her but if you are fighting with your friend I think it would be ok to say something about not wanting to fight and it seems like all your calls turn into fights so it would be best to start limiting them. Maybe your friend would start to change if he knows you won’t be talking as much if a fight starts. Tell him you need to go when a fight starts so he knows what to expect.

You know, she might need more help than you can give her. If she has not always been like this, you can say, “Hey, Sarah, don’t take this the wrong way, I know it is natural to want to vent with someone you feel is safe to talk to and I appreciate that, but you’re getting really negative. Do you have a counselor? I don’t know if you realize it, but it isn’t typical for a person to hear about someone else’s happy news and to say something negative about it. It isn’t healthy to see your life isn’t what you want and to wallow in how bad it is instead of thinking how to change it yourself. That is not good for you. You’ve been doing that a lot, and I’m starting to dread talking to you. It is a downer! If you don’t have someone to talk to about that, I’d find someone. It is really off-putting, and it is going to hurt your relationships.”

What is the worst that can happen? She’ll get mad and quit calling you?

The next time she does it, you can then say, “Have you found a counselor? Well, OK, I’m going to be blunt this time. If you’re in the kind of mood where you’re going to be a Debbie Downer when I share good news, just don’t call. Wait until you can be positive, because this is getting to be too much. I don’t want to be the person you call when you’re feeling like the dark cloud. I’ve done my time–give me a break!”

Again: what is the worst thing that can happen? I tell you what, the best thing that can happen is that she’ll take a hard look at her negative feelings and turn herself around. As hard as it is to hear that, after all, think of how bad it would be to have that as the soundtrack in your own head!

 

[oneofmany]

I guess I could ask her why she is so negative when she starts complaining. I think it’s a habit by now. She does have friends though so I might be the only one she does this with. It’s just a habit with me.