How and where to meet Catholic girls when I have so many struggles

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WildCatholic

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Not to depress anyone since I know I post on this issue a lot, but I am wondering how I would go about meeting and getting to know more Catholic girls.

As of right now i’m 24 and I only have two part time jobs (I substitute teach and work at a Grocery store on nights and weekends) and currently live at home in a very rural area. While my area is very Catholic and has a lot of churches, their aren’t a lot of young people in them unless they are married. What does help though is that i’m only an hour from bigger cities which does help some, my problem is, I don’t have many friends or people I know because i’m very introverted.

While I made friends in College, and have people I talk to once in a while through FB or text, I only have really one close friend who I get to hang out with often, and to be honest, he’s even more introverted than I am and a lot more socially awkward (though he is wonderful to hang out with, though lately I don’t have much to talk about since I’ve grown so much in my faith and he doesn’t really have a faith life thats too strong and isn’t Catholic but that’s another question;))

I hate going to events alone because I feel like a guy who goes to catholic centered events alone will be thought of as either creepy or just looking for girls.

I know most people will say I should move to a larger city, but having a degree to teach social studies won’t get you a job in a lot of schools, and to be honest I don’t know what else I want to do.

This really bugs me because I really feel called to marriage, or at least fatherhood. While i’ve thought about the priesthood and hope to talk to my spiritual director about it. I feel that in spite of struggling with anxiety about marriage and finding a girl (i haven’t had much experience. I dated a girl for a month last summer and thats my only relationship) I feel called to be a father and have kids. The priesthood would be nice, but I’ve always struggled with this because I used to feel that since I was awkward unconfident and ugly and couldn’t get girls that I should be a priest and that thought still lingers a little.

Anyway, I feel a lot more confident now, but I still wonder how I will go out and find a woman who is interested. I worry so much they won’t like me for some reason, or will friend zone me.

Thanks for your help
 
First, relax–you’re 24, you don’t need to worry about a clock ticking and making you ineligible for marriage.

Next, don’t worry so much about finding a woman before you work on your self image. Thinking of yourself as an unattractive person is not healthy, nor is it Godly–you were made in the image of God, and Jesus spilled his precious blood for you.

Then, don’t spend so much time explaining to yourself why this, that, and the other won’t work. Try to think of what concrete achievements you would like to accomplish and take steps to make them happen. You want to be a social studies teacher? What do you need to do in order to make that happen?

As to going to Catholic centered events on your own–look, don’t you think that maybe some of the girls attending those events are looking for Catholic men? Depends on what events you’re talking about, of course, but I cannot see anything wrong with going solo.

There are also many dating web sites available, but I would urge you to work on your own sense of self-worth whatever you choose to do.
 
Oh, and don’t be so afraid of the “friend zone”! friendship to romantic relationship does occur and is a good path to follow.
 
WildCatholic said:
I know most people will say I should move to a larger city, but having a degree to teach social studies won’t get you a job in a lot of schools, and to be honest I don’t know what else I want to do.
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I would think that it would be easier to find such a job in a larger city, than where you are now if you are in a very rural area. Have you looked? It sounds like you could really use a change. You say that you are only an hour from some larger cities, which is close enough to save up and commute for a little while until you can afford to move out. You might even try finding a position at a Catholic school- might be more likely to meet someone there.

Have you tried online dating?

It seems like it would be good for you to look for a full time job, move somewhere else, and start your life on your own. Changing your environment will help you to meet other people and moving out might help you build more confidence by being in charge of everything yourself.
 
Heidi Storage said:

“look, don’t you think that maybe some of the girls attending those events are looking for Catholic men? Depends on what events you’re talking about, of course, but I cannot see anything wrong with going solo.”

Yep.

“Oh, and don’t be so afraid of the “friend zone”! friendship to romantic relationship does occur and is a good path to follow.”

Plus, if he does get friend zoned, he’ll have another friend! Woohoo!

And his new friend may have a sister, a cousin, or a friend.

The more people you know and the more you mingle, the better your odds are of finding someone who clicks with you.

Also, think about it–you’re hoping to go into teaching. Think about how many cute, single, nice, family-oriented young women there are in education. If you manage to get a full-time teaching job, you may find that that will solve several problems at once: career, finances, romance, etc.
 
If the area is Catholic and you’re near a city, see if there is Theology on Tap or a young adults group.

If not, start one. (And don’t claim introversion as a reason not to. Introverts can be great initiators and leaders.)
 
Here’s another thought–mixing and mingling and meeting new people and speaking confidently and non-desperately will be good practice for your job interviews. Plus, you’re going to have to be continually meeting new people in your chosen career.

Get out there! Teachers don’t get to be wallflowers.
 
First of all, thank you so much for replying! I know I need to work on my self image, it is totally my cross to bear since I have such a melancholic personality. However, my calling stems from the fact that I’m starting to see myself as better, its just gonna take some work. I feel this confidence inside of me and I want to share it. I struggle, but I feel more and more that I am a child of God and want to be able to share the love god has for me with someone.

Now for the other issues. While yes, there would be more likely to be jobs in larger cities, education is different. First of all Social Studies has the issue of having lots of people major in it, but few jobs since a lot of people who want to coach major in it because they need something to do besides teach PE which leaves people like me who truly love it stuck in the mud. Also, cities have hiring freezes and lots of budget issues so hiring of any teachers is tough.

As for what steps to take to reach my goal of teaching i don’t know. I do feel i’d like to maybe teach special education, and could pick up an endorsement rather easy, but i’m not sure i want to teach. student teaching was rough since I did it in a mostly hispanic school with kids who could care less about any subject let alone mine. While I love kids with disabilities, i’m worried that there wouldn’t be a lot of support in the sped department. Also I don’t really have many other things im interested in school wise so I don’t know what career i’d want. I went into college thinking i’d get a teaching job and the rest would kind of fall into place (God had different plans though, I’m sure theres a reason i am where I am). Also, i don’t know what my degree qualifies me for. While this is a common problem, fortunately unlike a lot of the country the economy is better than average where i live and most young people do well in finding decent work after college.

As for theology on tap. There are some groups. Time is a concern, but my biggest fear for some reason still is going alone. Also in my diocese there isn’t really a young adults theology on tap. There is a college one, but its for college people. I know i’m not that far out of school, but it makes a different. I want to meet people more in my situation who are either just starting out on their own. Also how do I go about starting a program? I mean if I just post flyers no one will really care, and I’d have to find speakers and such and that’d be a lot of work. It’d be fun, but I’d love to have a more experienced person help me. That being said, that man might be me. I’ll certainly try something.

I have thought about just giving myself to doing service like doing FOCUS or something like that, but I need more prayer and spiritual direction before giving it too much thought.

That being said, thank you so much!

PAX CHRISTI
 
Xantippe said:
Heidi Storage said:

“look, don’t you think that maybe some of the girls attending those events are looking for Catholic men? Depends on what events you’re talking about, of course, but I cannot see anything wrong with going solo.”

Yep.

“Oh, and don’t be so afraid of the “friend zone”! friendship to romantic relationship does occur and is a good path to follow.”

Plus, if he does get friend zoned, he’ll have another friend! Woohoo!

And his new friend may have a sister, a cousin, or a friend.

The more people you know and the more you mingle, the better your odds are of finding someone who clicks with you.

Also, think about it–you’re hoping to go into teaching. Think about how many cute, single, nice, family-oriented young women there are in education. If you manage to get a full-time teaching job, you may find that that will solve several problems at once: career, finances, romance, etc.
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Yes, that I know, its just my choses area of teaching is the worst one for jobs. As one superintendent put it to me. “Advisors who tell their students just to major in the social sciences (social studies, psychology, sociology) should be shot”. Trust me, I know there are still single women out there, even in an area with a lot of traditional values like mine
 
“…student teaching was rough since I did it in a mostly hispanic school with kids who could care less about any subject let alone mine.”

I’ll share a little secret with you–teaching is rough, and it’s rougher on anybody who isn’t a raging extrovert with amazing people skills. I think you should think very carefully about how far you should pursue it. You might give yourself a time-line of spending 3-5 years on teaching and then try something else.

By the way, while FOCUS might be a good idea, doesn’t that also require a lot of social interaction? It might be the making of you, or it might not. The Peace Corps is another option, if you have any language skills, but that is also a very socially and emotionally demanding job. Living abroad might give you a store of funny stories and illustrations to share with your social studies students. There’s also teaching English in Asia, but same deal.

Basically, whatever you do, you’re going to have to polish your social skills and go outside your comfort zone.
 
I’d worry less about meeting Catholic girls right now and more about making Catholic friends and finding your place in the world with respect to your career/vocation. When you meet the right girl, you’ll want to hang out with friends…not just each other. Also, a good core of Catholic friends will help you much better than a message board as far as waling the walk of the single life and discerning your vocation–you don’t break up with all your friends at once like you can with a girlfriend. Don’t ignore the people who are married or in couples–they need friends too. Try going to an event alone. If you don’t want to seem creepy, hang out with other guys at first. If you aren’t much good at chit chat, go to the organizers after the event and ask how you can help with the next one: setting up chairs, making phone calls to put reminders in parish bulletins,etc.

Hope this helps.
 
WildCatholic, I hope this helps: I never “really” had a girlfriend until I was 25. That’s when I met my wife. And she rocks! Everything I was looking for!

I’m not saying you can just sit back and everything will come to you. I’m sure that for many, it never comes. But, if you really want to do this, then you HAVE to put yourself out there. You HAVE to take chances. I know it’s not easy, and I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.
 
WildCatholic said:
Now for the other issues. While yes, there would be more likely to be jobs in larger cities, education is different. First of all Social Studies has the issue of having lots of people major in it, but few jobs since a lot of people who want to coach major in it because they need something to do besides teach PE which leaves people like me who truly love it stuck in the mud. Also, cities have hiring freezes and lots of budget issues so hiring of any teachers is tough.
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Maybe I’m wrong, but these kind of sound like excuses you’re making for yourself. Have you applied for many jobs? I know things are tough out there for lots of people right now, but you did mention that your area is doing better than the economy in general right now.

You don’t even necessarily have to get an education job. It just seems like it would be good for you to find full time work and move out- it will make it necessary for you to meet new people and at 24, it would be good to become more independent if you can. It’s easy to stay where you’re too comfortable, and if you aren’t happy with either the job prospects or the dating pool where you’re at, a bit of a change would be helpful. If you truly feel called to marriage, you’ll have to work with God to find a spouse, which is going to involve some level of putting yourself out there.

Oh, and by the way…I majored in the social sciences as well. It’s not hopeless. 😉
 
Lorelei12 said:
Maybe I’m wrong, but these kind of sound like excuses you’re making for yourself. Have you applied for many jobs? I know things are tough out there for lots of people right now, but you did mention that your area is doing better than the economy in general right now.

You don’t even necessarily have to get an education job. It just seems like it would be good for you to find full time work and move out- it will make it necessary for you to meet new people and at 24, it would be good to become more independent if you can. It’s easy to stay where you’re too comfortable, and if you aren’t happy with either the job prospects or the dating pool where you’re at, a bit of a change would be helpful. If you truly feel called to marriage, you’ll have to work with God to find a spouse, which is going to involve some level of putting yourself out there.

Oh, and by the way…I majored in the social sciences as well. It’s not hopeless. 😉
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I know it isn’t hopeless. I have hope, I just don’t know where to begin. Also I don’t know what jobs I am qualified for since besides subbing i’ve only worked minimum wage or factory jobs.
I would love to find something, and I know God will provide in some way shape or form, but I just don’t know how if he even will at all (Ya never know, he might call me just to be at home forever:D )
 
WildCatholic said:
Not to depress anyone since I know I post on this issue a lot, but I am wondering how I would go about meeting and getting to know more Catholic girls.

As of right now i’m 24 and I only have two part time jobs (I substitute teach and work at a Grocery store on nights and weekends) and currently live at home in a very rural area. While my area is very Catholic and has a lot of churches, their aren’t a lot of young people in them unless they are married. What does help though is that i’m only an hour from bigger cities which does help some, my problem is, I don’t have many friends or people I know because i’m very introverted.

While I made friends in College, and have people I talk to once in a while through FB or text, I only have really one close friend who I get to hang out with often, and to be honest, he’s even more introverted than I am and a lot more socially awkward (though he is wonderful to hang out with, though lately I don’t have much to talk about since I’ve grown so much in my faith and he doesn’t really have a faith life thats too strong and isn’t Catholic but that’s another question;))

I hate going to events alone because I feel like a guy who goes to catholic centered events alone will be thought of as either creepy or just looking for girls.

I know most people will say I should move to a larger city, but having a degree to teach social studies won’t get you a job in a lot of schools, and to be honest I don’t know what else I want to do.

This really bugs me because I really feel called to marriage, or at least fatherhood. While i’ve thought about the priesthood and hope to talk to my spiritual director about it. I feel that in spite of struggling with anxiety about marriage and finding a girl (i haven’t had much experience. I dated a girl for a month last summer and thats my only relationship) I feel called to be a father and have kids. The priesthood would be nice, but I’ve always struggled with this because I used to feel that since I was awkward unconfident and ugly and couldn’t get girls that I should be a priest and that thought still lingers a little.

Anyway, I feel a lot more confident now, but I still wonder how I will go out and find a woman who is interested. I worry so much they won’t like me for some reason, or will friend zone me.

Thanks for your help
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Hi there!

While, I cannot directly relate to your specific situation and circumstance, I can offer my two cents. (After all, that’s what the internet is for! 😊). Anyway, I can, however, relate to your feelings of inadequacy and non-self worth. I have had such feelings too. I’m 19 years old and have never dated and girls almost never pay me any romantic attention. (At least not any Good, chaste attention at that. 👍). But, I can tell you that as soon as you realize that you are indeed a beautiful person, because you were made in the Image of Him, just as we all were. Things start to get… well better! You don’t worry about things as much and trust in God more. At least I know I have done so. Personally looking back, such feelings are the result of trying to find Love from the world, without first searching for God’s Love. Which is always there and ready for Us to dwell on. Also, there is nothing wrong with going to such events alone. I have been to several functions alone, and before you know it, I had a couple of friends!

Well, I hoped this helped. Feel free to PM me. 😃

Peace,

Mat.
 
Hello WildCatholic,

You mentioned “student teaching”, so it sounds like you have some kind of education degree or teaching certification, right? Have you just tried sending out a large number of job applications to see what happens? I also have noticed that social sciences teachers tend to double as PE/coaches for some reason, but surely not all social science teaching positions are like this. If you truly love the subject and are able to translate that into some sort of unique teaching philosophy or skill, that could work in your favor.

I understand that the job market is tough for everyone, but still, you didn’t actually say that you’ve exhausted your options looking for a teaching position; you’ve just given a lot of reasons why you think it will be hard. Remember that you only need to be accepted to one job, and because you don’t have a girlfriend or children, it will be much easier to move to that job if it is far away.

Even recently, some urban school districts have had trouble hiring teachers and resorted to bringing in foreigners on work visas. Those urban districts also have high turnover (teachers randomly quitting in the middle of the year), which indicates higher stress, but more opportunity for you.

I guess I’m confused when you say that you don’t know what you’re qualified for. If you took some sort of education course, completed the student teaching component, and are substitute teaching, then you apparently are qualified for teaching. Other options include doing Teach for America or teaching English abroad in places like Korea (that can be a pretty horrible job, but it is teaching, and some like the international experience). There’s also adult education classes, professional tutoring, and CCD to build your teaching skill.

I notice that I haven’t said anything about Catholic girls in this post. That’s because if you’re seriously devoting yourself to improving your career at this point, it may consume all of your time and you may have to move long distances on short notice. Although there are no guarantees, if you manage to change your career situation for the better, than you might also be in a better situation to meet people, solving two problems at once!
 
ack said:
Hello WildCatholic,

You mentioned “student teaching”, so it sounds like you have some kind of education degree or teaching certification, right? Have you just tried sending out a large number of job applications to see what happens? I also have noticed that social sciences teachers tend to double as PE/coaches for some reason, but surely not all social science teaching positions are like this. If you truly love the subject and are able to translate that into some sort of unique teaching philosophy or skill, that could work in your favor.

I understand that the job market is tough for everyone, but still, you didn’t actually say that you’ve exhausted your options looking for a teaching position; you’ve just given a lot of reasons why you think it will be hard. Remember that you only need to be accepted to one job, and because you don’t have a girlfriend or children, it will be much easier to move to that job if it is far away.

Even recently, some urban school districts have had trouble hiring teachers and resorted to bringing in foreigners on work visas. Those urban districts also have high turnover (teachers randomly quitting in the middle of the year), which indicates higher stress, but more opportunity for you.

I guess I’m confused when you say that you don’t know what you’re qualified for. If you took some sort of education course, completed the student teaching component, and are substitute teaching, then you apparently are qualified for teaching. Other options include doing Teach for America or teaching English abroad in places like Korea (that can be a pretty horrible job, but it is teaching, and some like the international experience). There’s also adult education classes, professional tutoring, and CCD to build your teaching skill.

I notice that I haven’t said anything about Catholic girls in this post. That’s because if you’re seriously devoting yourself to improving your career at this point, it may consume all of your time and you may have to move long distances on short notice. Although there are no guarantees, if you manage to change your career situation for the better, than you might also be in a better situation to meet people, solving two problems at once!
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Ack

I guess what I mean when I say i don’t know what i’m qualified for, i mean I don’t know what else i’m qualified for Besidesteaching, and to be honest if I could find a good non teaching job right now i’d take it. I know what i’m qualified to teach, but since there is a glut in my area there is little chance of me getting a job unless i coach (unfortunately I wasn’t blessed with athletic prowess, though I love sports) or get another endorsement. Social Studies teachers are a dime a dozen and even really good teachers in the field have told me they had to sub in some cases five years until they got a job.

In all honesty, I have applied to about 100 jobs, mostly in Nebraska and Iowa with only 5 interviews total. Teacher certification also changes between states which makes it difficult. I know i’m throwing out excuses, but its not like im some lazy loser sitting at home eating cheetoes all day. I truly try,but at the end of the day its a losing battle.

Lastly, I haven’t mentioned girls because in all honesty a girl wants a guy with a stable job. Girls don’t want guys who start out with no options. I know though that I need to meet more people so when that job does come, i’ll be able to at least know a few people. A job might also help with friends too.

I guess what it really comes down to is i’m worried God doesn’t care about my success or happiness. Not that he’s being a bully, but at the end of the day I don’t think he cares whether I have a good job or not. He just wants my love and to love me. I know people say to trust in the lord, but if God really cared about my material success, shouldn’t he have made it happen by now. I realize this sounds childish like a little kid who doesn’t get candy at the grocery store, but i’m tired of basically being a 24 year old teenager.

I want to be able to be successful and be what I feel god intended me to be. I guess though maybe he wants me to be stuck at home in a house where nobody but me practices the faith and everybody just likes to watch tv instead of improving themselves (granted my mom is a successful teacher, but my brother who is autistic doesn’t do much besides his chore, and my English major sister just sits around on the tv or computer all day and has never had a real job in her 21 years (granted she couldn’t drive until last year due to fear of driving, but still). I guess I just worry god doesn’t have success in his plans for me. The thing is, is that not having that makes me sad and everyone says God wants me to be happy. But I always thinks that BS since a lot of the saints weren’t happy and suffered a lot. At the end of the day they kept the faith in spite of hardship and got their reward.

Sorry for the rambling answer, but thanks for your help.**
 
“I know what i’m qualified to teach, but since there is a glut in my area there is little chance of me getting a job unless i coach (unfortunately I wasn’t blessed with athletic prowess, though I love sports) or get another endorsement. Social Studies teachers are a dime a dozen and even really good teachers in the field have told me they had to sub in some cases five years until they got a job.”

There’s always a glut of new teachers, unless it’s for less cushy locations–inner city, Indian reservations, etc. Do consider getting another endorsement, especially in an area that you like or think that you are gifted in or that you think is in demand–do some research.

Here’s an idea. Think about your hobbies and consider what afterschool clubs you would be able to help with. Could you do a chess club or an animation club or an Anime club or something? If so, put that on your resume.

Also, get a second job in addition to your subbing, if only for morale. You can mow lawns, walk dogs, do whatever is seasonal in the summer, etc. I would lean toward activities that would get you outside and active.
 
“I guess what it really comes down to is i’m worried God doesn’t care about my success or happiness.”

Well, maybe you aren’t cut out to be a teacher. In that case, your prayers are being answered in the only way they can be.

“I want to be able to be successful and be what I feel god intended me to be. I guess though maybe he wants me to be stuck at home in a house where nobody but me practices the faith and everybody just likes to watch tv instead of improving themselves (granted my mom is a successful teacher, but my brother who is autistic doesn’t do much besides his chore, and my English major sister just sits around on the tv or computer all day and has never had a real job in her 21 years (granted she couldn’t drive until last year due to fear of driving, but still). I guess I just worry god doesn’t have success in his plans for me. The thing is, is that not having that makes me sad and everyone says God wants me to be happy. But I always thinks that BS since a lot of the saints weren’t happy and suffered a lot. At the end of the day they kept the faith in spite of hardship and got their reward.”

You need a different peer group, for sure.

Where you are now, pretty much any 40-hour a week job would be a step up.

Also, have a look at your local community college catalog and see if anything strikes your fancy. Actually, I would encourage you to take a different class every term until you find something you like better than teaching, and then pursue that.
 
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