How are men supposed to make their romantic intentions known in the aftermath of metoo?

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FloridaCatholic

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Isn’t making the first move supposed to be something you do that’s unannounced? Doesn’t the surprise add to the romance? I want to be a good man and a respectful date but how am I supposed to navigate the murky waters of what I should do and when I should do it? I was always told by guys not to ask a girl to kiss them and to just go for it because girls don’t respect guys who ask and you’ll miss your shot. Is that just toxic masculinity? Isn’t there some truth to the notion that asking when it seems obvious makes you look like you have lower social acuity and are therefore less attractive?

I’m not trying to provoke anyone. I’m just seriously asking what are men supposed to do post metoo? I’m asking because men are the ones who are expected traditionally to make the first move and be the aggressor. How are we supposed to “go for it”?
 
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These sorts of topics always baffle me, honestly - meaning no offence to you, OP. I just think it’s so obvious - if you’re not sure about if a girl wants to kiss you, ask her.
FloridaCatholic said:
Isn’t there some truth to the notion that asking when it seems obvious makes you look like you have lower social acuity and are therefore less attractive?
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No.
 
I’m a guy. I’m 27. And I’ve been on plenty of dates and I have plenty of friends. When I talk to my friends about this all of them said they’ve never asked. I’ve never heard of anyone asking.
 
I don’t know about you but it’s kind of hard to remain sexy and ask for a kiss when you’re trying to impress a woman.

I guess I’m wrong for thinking that way
 
Asking isn’t as bad as people make it out to be. That said, I’ve also seen a lot of people muddy things up. I can’t help but be reminded of a conversation I had online recently, where a girl had a boy she had shown no interest in suddenly grab and try to kiss her. And I was seeing men bemoaning how that meant spontaneity was dead. (Not that I’m accusing you of this, but I have seen try to represent that sort of thing as just trying to make the first move.)

There’s a difference between things you can do in a relationship, and things you can do with a stranger. Really all the metoo stories I’ve heard involve either strangers, or men that the woman knew professionally or as a friend of a friend or an acquaintance. Even traditionally, the spontaneous physical affection was saved for later in the relationship when you knew each other fairly well.
 
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Right, but usually in order for someone to enter a relationship instead of just being friends, some kind of physical affection is made which is typically initiated by men
 
wow, kids today…

Lean in. If she leans in and meets your kiss, that’s cool. If she backs away, you back away.

It isn’t rocket science…
 
FloridaCatholic said:
Isn’t there some truth to the notion that asking when it seems obvious makes you look like you have lower social acuity and are therefore less attractive?
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Ha ha ha. Nope. Just a few weeks ago my wife of 35 years said the most appealing thing was the first time I asked to kiss her.
 
I have either been dating the wrong women or I’ve been lied to

or both then
 
FloridaCatholic said:
Right, but usually in order for someone to enter a relationship instead of just being friends, some kind of physical affection is made which is typically initiated by men
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No? I have literally never heard of this; the normal procedure is to ask her to date you. The only people I’ve heard pushing for physical contact right away are pickup artists.

@FloridaCatholic, what sort of relationships are the guys you’re talking to aiming for?
 
I’m one of the only people I know who actually asks girls on dates. Everyone else I know just sort of hooks up
 
FloridaCatholic said:
I’m one of the only people I know who actually asks girls on dates. Everyone else I know just sort of hooks up
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That’s not going to help. You get what you look for. A lot of the fast moving physical affection is designed to get a girl in bed with you quickly - and it’s going to get the sort of girl who’s either willing to do that or can be manipulated into it. It’s not going to get good results from nice Catholic young ladies who are looking for a respectful partner.

Hookup culture is rarely respectful of women; it’s not terribly surprising that a movement seeing women as sex objects is going to result in the women feeling harassed.
 
TechieGuy said:
Lean in. If she leans in and meets your kiss, that’s cool. If she backs away, you back away.
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With some of the guys I’ve talked to, I feel I should add in the caveat that this is only acceptable with your girlfriend (or wife).
 
Just be sensitive to her reaction and back off if she seems hesitant. Don’t push it. Talk about it if she does back off and respect her. Tell her to let you know if/when she’s ready. Be patient.
 
I didn’t say I wanted to hook up.
DarkLight said:
It’s not going to get good results from nice Catholic young ladies who are looking for a respectful partner.
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I’ve never dated any nice catholic young ladies, I don’t know how they date differently.
 
DarkLight said:
With some of the guys I’ve talked to, I feel I should add in the caveat that this is only acceptable with your girlfriend (or wife).
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I’ve literally NEVER heard of ANYONE who didn’t kiss before they attached labels to their relationship. And I know women who stopped seeing a guy because he didn’t try to make out with them so they assumed they weren’t interested.
 
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FloridaCatholic said:
I’ve literally NEVER heard of ANYONE who didn’t kiss before they attached labels to their relationship.
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There has to be at least SOME clearly romantic interest. I’ve heard too many cases from friends of “this guy I was working on a project with suddenly grabbed me and tried to kiss me” or “I was at a party and this guy who’s my brother’s friend started moving his hand up my leg” or other cases where she hadn’t shown any interest and the guy just suddenly moved in.
 
DarkLight said:
other cases where she hadn’t shown any interest and the guy just suddenly moved in.
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In my experience, I’ve been told a few times by women I’ve known that I didn’t pick up their signals that they were interested. Then some women may give those very same signals but they aren’t interested. It’s confusing. That’s why things like that happen sometimes.

And then I’ve heard from women who want a guy to make a move but he’s clueless. It happens a lot.
 
FloridaCatholic said:
In my experience, I’ve been told a few times by women I’ve known that I didn’t pick up their signals that they were interested. Then some women may give those very same signals but they aren’t interested. It’s confusing.
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That’s why it’s best to ask. Or for the woman to ask the man.
 
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