How are single adults supposed to make friends?

  • Thread starter Thread starter DarkLight
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DarkLight

Guest
I really don’t get it. I go to a biweekly bible study, I go to adoration, I talk to people, but I feel like all the people I meet, our relationship is confined to that place. I’d especially like to meet people my own age, but it seems that most people my own age are either in the desperate for a date stage, or wrapped up in marriage and family. I’m not interested in going into the dating game, I just want to meet people that I can go out for coffee with. But it seems like in the post-school time of life the opportunities to meet new people go way down, and a lot of people seem like they have their family and that’s all they need in their life.

Oh and to make it more complicated I don’t have a car or a whole lot of spare money.
 
Are any of the people you know from Bible study or adoration people you’d like to be better friends with? If so, why not ask them to do something with you sometime?

Volunteering is another way to meet people. There are also plenty of websites for people who want to meet up for nonromantic reasons.
 
DarkLight said:
I really don’t get it. I go to a biweekly bible study, I go to adoration, I talk to people, but I feel like all the people I meet, our relationship is confined to that place. I’d especially like to meet people my own age, but it seems that most people my own age are either in the desperate for a date stage, or wrapped up in marriage and family. I’m not interested in going into the dating game, I just want to meet people that I can go out for coffee with. But it seems like in the post-school time of life the opportunities to meet new people go way down, and a lot of people seem like they have their family and that’s all they need in their life.

Oh and to make it more complicated I don’t have a car or a whole lot of spare money.
Click to expand...
That is less a single people and more a you thing.

Normally the issue here is you need to actually invite people. And remember that sometimes people for busy or whatever may not make a new friendship in a logistical sense.

When I first moved here I knew no one really and I was in Walmart. Ended up in a conversation with a guy (I am a guy) who had alot of shared interests. We did the same things for fun etc and he had a group of guys to go do so with. He had some fishing trip planned coming up and invited me basically and asked for my number to call me when they had the details.

He never called lol.

I met a regualr mail guy at work and talking about a card game I play (by this time I had made a few friends he was talking of being new to the area and hima nd his wife having noone to hang with) I got his number and forgot about him because I changed jobs… saw it randomly like a year later lol.

Logistics, it happens lol.

In todays world your no car/money scenario makes it a bit harder especially if you get either invited or half invited to something and need help getting there. You start the relationship off seeming to be the friend who is always going to need something.

So you would be best served doing the inviting and remeber friend making is like dating, they won’t all say yes and they won’t all stick.
 
LethalMouse said:
Normally the issue here is you need to actually invite people.

In todays world your no car/money scenario makes it a bit harder especially if you get either invited or half invited to something and need help getting there. You start the relationship off seeming to be the friend who is always going to need something.

So you would be best served doing the inviting and remeber friend making is like dating, they won’t all say yes and they won’t all stick.
Click to expand...
Makes sense. I second this.
 
I am a single adult and it is very hard for me to make friends. I have only one friend that I actually know in real life. My Asperger’s makes it hard for me to make friends. I have a few friends online. We play atWar together and we share similar interests. I am currently coming up with a plan to possibly make friends with another person online. I think that the internet is the best way to make friends.
 
I’m lucky I’m not yet in that stage. I still have my education peers. However, while you’re at it, I want to remind you of the saints. They can be your friends through the Communion of Saints (it might sound weird, but it certainly can be done).
 
Have you tried “meetup.com” or Craigslist “community”? There are nearly endless opportunities to make friends in both places. Not having a car complicates things, though. I think obtaining some sort of reliable transportation should be a priority.
 
Unfortunately on transportation I’m kind of stuck in the job/car trap right now.
 
DarkLight said:
I’d especially like to meet people my own age, but it seems that most people my own age are either in the desperate for a date stage, or wrapped up in marriage and family. I’m not interested in going into the dating game, I just want to meet people that I can go out for coffee with. But it seems like in the post-school time of life the opportunities to meet new people go way down, and a lot of people seem like they have their family and that’s all they need in their life.
Click to expand...
:coffeeread:

Seeing how sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human nature, it’s no wonder why people will actively seek out spousal mates.

Vatican.va - The 6th commandment
vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

**2332 **Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.
Love and Human Sexuality
vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_08121995_human-sexuality_en.html

Man is called to love and to self-giving in the unity of body and spirit. Femininity and masculinity are complementary gifts, through which human sexuality is an integrating part of the concrete capacity for love which God has inscribed in man and woman. “Sexuality is a fundamental component of personality, one of its modes of being, of manifestation, of communicating with others, of feeling, of expressing and of living human love”. This capacity for love as self-giving is thus “incarnated” in the nuptial meaning of the body, which bears the imprint of the person’s masculinity and femininity. “The human body, with its sex, and its masculinity and femininity, seen in the very mystery of creation, is not only a source of fruitfulness and procreation, as in the whole natural order, but includes right ?from the beginning’ the ?nuptial’ attribute, that is, the capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the man-person becomes a gift and — by means of this gift — fulfills the very meaning of his being and existence”. Every form of love will always bear this masculine and feminine character.
I don’t understand those who criticize others for being ‘desperate’. 🤷:hmmm::juggle:
 
DarkLight said:
Unfortunately on transportation I’m kind of stuck in the job/car trap right now.
Click to expand...
So, it’s not really a friend thing but a transportation thing…You haven’t reached your social ceiling yet because you haven’t gone all the places you could theoretically go, if you had better transportation.

Dorothy Cummings McLean was a single gal well into her later thirties and seems to have had a pretty raging social life, so I would suggest looking at her blogs (Seraphic Singles and Edinburgh Housewife) and her book The Closet’s All Mine to pick up some ideas. I think she’s mainly lived in big cities and has had roommates/housemates and she did graduate school also in a big city, so I suspect that has been part of her formula.
 
DarkLight said:
Unfortunately on transportation I’m kind of stuck in the job/car trap right now.
Click to expand...
You kind of have to choose a place you can get to and invite someone to meet you there, even if you have to get yourself there on a bicycle or on foot. If you have no money for hosting, you can go for walks or hikes. If you’re confined to daylight hours, I’d suggest weekend afternoons. If you don’t want to date, cultivate female friends. I will warn you, however, that most young people who avoid dating are building careers and don’t have a lot of time to cultivate a relationship. That’s why they’re not seeking out companionship that might lead to a marriage.

I have had friends who were in convents, though, and they like to go out once in awhile with someone who isn’t in their community, too. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. They often don’t have a car to use regularly for socializing, either. If any of your friends have already joined convents, don’t write them off as uninterested in socializing.

The other option is to invite someone to your home, maybe for tea or coffee and dessert or for a glass of wine and some appetizers, if a meal isn’t in the cards.
 
Not gonna lie. Making friends is tough for me. I like making extra money so I like working extra days of overtime and double time. This is optional but the working hours are not. Mostly evenings and midnights and most weekends are worked too.

The upside for me is that I have a very nice six figure salary. The downside is the social life takes a hit with my workaholic lifestyle.

What I have learned to do is to just make time for friends. It takes time and lots of creativity but if you want it then you find ways to make it work.

For me dating has been a disaster. But then again, thats what happens when most of your dates come from Catholic Match. I can see why some of your friends can be hard to do stuff with when they want dates. Being single when you want someone sucks. Its hard wired into us. Likewise, when you are married there are lots of responsibilities.

Best advice is to just hang in there and not worry about it. Dont try too hard to make friends but be patient and wait for things to happen. Take advantage of it when it does. Things always come up unexpectedly. God looks out for us.
 
One more thing: When someone is moving or you hear they’re looking for a new place, offer to help them move. When they complain about going through something rough, ask if they want to go out for coffee. When they say they’re going out of town, ask if they need someone to water their plants or feed their cat. If this turns out to be a situation where you are used but not befriended, stop offering the one-sided relationship, but sometimes it helps to make friends if you show you’re willing to do the less-pleasant half of friendship rather than just starting with the stuff you want out of it.
 
anon67074017 said:
I am a single adult and it is very hard for me to make friends. I have only one friend that I actually know in real life. My Asperger’s makes it hard for me to make friends. I have a few friends online. We play atWar together and we share similar interests. I am currently coming up with a plan to possibly make friends with another person online. I think that the internet is the best way to make friends.
Click to expand...
Ditto to that. I am a fellow aspie and have trouble making friends. Most of my friends are much older than me. I used to have a lot of female friends but it turned out they were not all that interested in actually being friends. A few I just no longer talk to but there’s no hostility. My best friend from high school (and my closest male friend) is still my best friend. Sometimes, I have made friends through other friends. If you (and the op, for that fact) can get one friend, try to make mutual friends through them.
 
I find making small talk very easy, but the trouble is nothing ever moves beyond the point of “we make small talk when we see each other.” Pretty much every relationship I have locally is at the point where I feel that asking the other person out for coffee would be horribly presumptuous for someone where we haven’t talked about much more than the weather.
 
DarkLight said:
I find making small talk very easy, but the trouble is nothing ever moves beyond the point of “we make small talk when we see each other.” Pretty much every relationship I have locally is at the point where I feel that asking the other person out for coffee would be horribly presumptuous for someone where we haven’t talked about much more than the weather.
Click to expand...
Well, no, it is not “horribly presumptuous” to ask someone you’ve been introduced to and been in class with on several occasions if they’d enjoy going for a walk or out for coffee some time. Yes, you have to read the social clues a person gives about whether she has any interest in a friendship, but if the person seems to like you, rather than keeping your conversations as short and as shallow as possible, ask. Women do this all of the time. The worst she can do is to say, “Sorry, I’m awfully busy” or something like that. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend; don’t worry about it if you’re turned down. Be cheerily OK with that, not downcast, and you’ll make a good impression. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

As for those wrapped up in marriage and family, many would welcome female friends, if the friends didn’t mind that there would be children along for the outing. For them, you can ask, “Would you like to go for a walk some time? You can even bring the kids, or maybe I can come along and chat when you’re watching the kids at the park. You’re very nice, and I think I’d enjoy getting to know you better, so if you have the time or the interest, let me know.” Yes, you have to give her an “out” by saying you understand how crazy it can be to juggle home and work, but there are lots of women who’d like to have an adult to talk to other than their spouses (if they get time to even talk to their spouses!!)
 
Opportunities to “just meet people” do go down drastically once the schooling years are over, because most people in the age group are forming, or have formed families. It’s just the way our life is designed. Family men have less need of nonfamily companionship.

So if one seeks friendship it takes longer and more effort.

For the OP, ICXC NIKA
 
DarkLight said:
I find making small talk very easy, but the trouble is nothing ever moves beyond the point of “we make small talk when we see each other.” Pretty much every relationship I have locally is at the point where I feel that asking the other person out for coffee would be horribly presumptuous for someone where we haven’t talked about much more than the weather.
Click to expand...
Well, you just have to leap out in faith.
There’s no shortcut, no magic wand.
If you get turned down, ask someone else.
Rinse.
Repeat.
 
GEddie said:
…Family men have less need of nonfamily companionship.
Click to expand...
This is not so true of women. That is why there are so many more women than men in book clubs and the like.

Actually, joining a book club is a good way to make female friends. I know many women who found some of their closest adult friends at book club. The only downside is that these groups can be very disappointing for people who were mostly interested in discussing the books! 😃
 
adamhovey1988 said:
Ditto to that. I am a fellow aspie and have trouble making friends. Most of my friends are much older than me. I used to have a lot of female friends but it turned out they were not all that interested in actually being friends. A few I just no longer talk to but there’s no hostility. My best friend from high school (and my closest male friend) is still my best friend. Sometimes, I have made friends through other friends. If you (and the op, for that fact) can get one friend, try to make mutual friends through them.
Click to expand...
Most of the people I play atWar with also have Asperger’s. I can relate to them.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top