How can a husband go on strike?

[whatevergirl]

An effective strike is for the husband to tell the wife he is no longer going to handle the money. She will have to pay all the bills. He makes enough. But she will have to do the checkbooks, pay the utilities, mortgage, etc. If she doesn’t, then the lights will go out in a month and the cars will get repossessed.

When the money’s gone, it’s gone.

Husband will drive the paid-for car to work or buy a junker for cash to drive to work.

But if the wife doesn’t do the bills, everything will come to a halt.

It’s up to her.

[By the way, this is not “tough love”. It’s letting her see what is real and what is not. But you can’t bail her out by helping. If she asks questions, she makes all the financial decisions. If the money runs out, you’re on the street. Everybody on the planet has to pay their bills. This is not about a “budget”. It’s about going about the daily decisions of what bills to pay on what day. She may try to play chicken, or she may decide that the sympathy she would get from an inconsiderate husband is worth it. But if SHE actually has control over the money, then she isn’t going to get any sympathy. And she knows it. Read up on “munchausen syndrome”.]

*I think this is the best advice yet…to have her take over the checkbook…then, she might see exactly where you have been coming from. I know, a little scary at first…not saying doing this cold turkey, but I’d suggest giving her more accountability with paying of the bills, etc…Truly ‘‘goin on strike’’ would mean not willing to have all the responsibility for the finances. Frankly, you shouldn’t have all the responsibility. Your wife and you are a team, no one person should be burdened with the entire financial load of understanding the debits of the household. Good luck if you decide upon this…I personally like the idea. *

 

[royal_archer]

*I think this is the best advice yet…to have her take over the checkbook…then, she might see exactly where you have been coming from. I know, a little scary at first…not saying doing this cold turkey, but I’d suggest giving her more accountability with paying of the bills, etc…Truly ‘‘goin on strike’’ would mean not willing to have all the responsibility for the finances. Frankly, you shouldn’t have all the responsibility. Your wife and you are a team, no one person should be burdened with the entire financial load of understanding the debits of the household. Good luck if you decide upon this…I personally like the idea. *

Up until recently she had full responsibility but I am now taking things over and am finding late fees, missed payments, un paid balances with high interest, etc. I think she is under the impression that if I love her it shouldn’t matter what she does with the bills.

The problem is that we are no longer a team. I am the one putting in all of the hours and the one who will reap the reprocussions if we have credit issues. (My career field requires me to have good credit).

Personnaly the finances are no big deal but she wanted to do them so I was being accomodating.

 

[momor]

Archer,
Has your wife EVER been a partner with you in your marriage or have you always taken care of her? The reason I ask is because you mentioned that she was in debt before you married and you paid off her bills.
Is it possible you married a spoiled little girl who expected you to be her daddy and that’s where she still is today emotionally?

 

[royal_archer]

Archer,
Has your wife EVER been a partner with you in your marriage or have you always taken care of her? The reason I ask is because you mentioned that she was in debt before you married and you paid off her bills.
Is it possible you married a spoiled little girl who expected you to be her daddy and that’s where she still is today emotionally?

When the kids were babies, she was at her peak. However, emotionally she and I are not at the same point as you have picked up.

 

[momor]

When the kids were babies, she was at her peak. However, emotionally she and I are not at the same point as you have picked up.

What I see you describing seems like extreme immaturity to me. You don’t have a wife, you have a teenager who wants the trappings of adulthood without the responsibilities. I know you said you didn’t want to take the nuclear option but I wonder if you really have a choice, unless you can find a way to live with her the way she is. She isn’t likely to grow up unless she wants to.

I would turn to the Blessed Mother for help. Best of luck to you.

 

[Em_in_FL]

What I see you describing seems like extreme immaturity to me. You don’t have a wife, you have a teenager who wants the trappings of adulthood without the responsibilities. I know you said you didn’t want to take the nuclear option but I wonder if you really have a choice, unless you can find a way to live with her the way she is. She isn’t likely to grow up unless she wants to.

I would turn to the Blessed Mother for help. Best of luck to you.

I agree… and I agree with what the others are saying about making DRASTIC changes. It’s time to step up (unfortunately) and just take over. At this point “shock and awe” may be the only tactic left…

 

[royal_archer]

I agree… and I agree with what the others are saying about making DRASTIC changes. It’s time to step up (unfortunately) and just take over. At this point “shock and awe” may be the only tactic left…

shock and awe or intervention or something along those lines. . aka strike.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Up until recently she had full responsibility but I am now taking things over and am finding late fees, missed payments, un paid balances with high interest, etc. I think she is under the impression that if I love her it shouldn’t matter what she does with the bills.

The problem is that we are no longer a team. I am the one putting in all of the hours and the one who will reap the reprocussions if we have credit issues. (My career field requires me to have good credit).

Personnaly the finances are no big deal but she wanted to do them so I was being accomodating.

When there were late fees, missed payments, etc, you should have let her figure out a way out. By stepping in, you rewarded her for “making mistakes”.

Best bet is turn it back over to her, and when the late fees resume, etc, as they inevitably will, let her work them out. She will figure it out. She sounds capable, but is even more successful at being manipulative.

Do some reading on “munchausen syndrome”.

When people deliberately do damage to themselves or loved ones in order to gain sympathy from when the situation bites them in the rear. It’s DESIGNED to bite them, but cleverly concealed so they don’t look like the person who caused the problem. They try to make it look like someone else is the “bad guy”.

There are different variations of munchausen’s. Check it out; see if it applies.

The only “cure” is when they realize that they aren’t going to get any sympathy. Or any attention. That the problem isn’t going to get any kind of rise out of you. And if the response is “you don’t care” or “you won’t help me”. Your reply is “you know” or “uh-huh”. Or some very noncommittal brief remark that lets them know you are on to them.

We have people like this in our family and they won’t talk to me because when they try to create a crisis, I just am unconcerned. Outsiders have seen through their act. They have tried to escalate, but we just tell them what the consequences would be and they back off because they want a rise out of us and the consequences would cut them off even more. I don’t want to get into a lot of details, but think about the Munchausen’s Syndrome idea.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

It sure is hard to know what advice to give via the internet… none of us really knows your story in detail as you do. Seeing as counseling has not worked and your wife’s lack of faith precludes you praying together about it, and you are not willing to leave her, and you say your job requires good credit… it seems you are suck in an impossible situation.

Going on strike doesn’t seem right, though, because it seems that would punish the children as well, and I don’t think you want that.

It seems to me that it you want to go the “shock and awe” route, the only way to do it is to strip her of any financial independence. Open a new account, put all your paycheck in it, give her only cash. For groceries, buy supermarket gift cards and give her a weekly allotment.

If she opens credit cards in her own name, oh well. She’ll ruin her own credit. If she wants to spend more, she’ll have to get a job.

But none of this is going to help your marriage.

If she won’t return to counseling, I think you should go alone. If I recall correctly, money & infidelity are the top 2 reasons couples divorce. You may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that if you “strike” or lock her out of the money, she will leave you.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I hope something will change for you.

 

[momor]

If she opens credit cards in her own name, oh well. She’ll ruin her own credit. If she wants to spend more, she’ll have to get a job.

I think in most states one spouse is going to be responsible for the debts of the other. The only way to protect yourself from being financially ruined is a legal separation.

 

[dulcissima]

I think in most states one spouse is going to be responsible for the debts of the other. The only way to protect yourself from being financially ruined is a legal separation.

And in his situation a legal separation would involve an order for child and spousal support.

 

[royal_archer]

I think in most states one spouse is going to be responsible for the debts of the other. The only way to protect yourself from being financially ruined is a legal separation.

It is interesting that that will happen but today I tried to payoff one of her credit cards and get it canceled, one that she got a credit card for me also. So even though I can charge to the account I am not allowed to pay it off or close it. I can understand not being able to close it with out her permission but I can’t understand why they won’t let me pay it off, oh wait it has a 22% interest rate

 

[royal_archer]

When there were late fees, missed payments, etc, you should have let her figure out a way out. By stepping in, you rewarded her for “making mistakes”.
.

With out getting into PII, I could become disqualified from working in my career field with out good credit.

 

[royal_archer]

It seems to me that it you want to go the “shock and awe” route, the only way to do it is to strip her of any financial independence. Open a new account, put all your paycheck in it, give her only cash. For groceries, buy supermarket gift cards and give her a weekly allotment.

If she opens credit cards in her own name, oh well. She’ll ruin her own credit. If she wants to spend more, she’ll have to get a job.

I am now doing this and setting up automatic payments for bills.

 

[momor]

I am now doing this and setting up automatic payments for bills.

Sounds like a good plan. Good luck.

 

[momor]

It is interesting that that will happen but today I tried to payoff one of her credit cards and get it canceled, one that she got a credit card for me also. So even though I can charge to the account I am not allowed to pay it off or close it. I can understand not being able to close it with out her permission but I can’t understand why they won’t let me pay it off, oh wait it has a 22% interest rate

I wonder if talking to a lawyer about options to protect your credit would be advisable. Maybe there is something less drastic than a separation.