How can a man change his thinking when women dress like that?

[Epistemes]

As a sex addict, and as someone who has unfortunately tended to view women as objects – which has even more unfortunately affected my social relationships with women – one of the things which I’m trying to do is change my thinking about women so that I see them in a more balanced light as human beings to whom I am attracted but not as objects meant only for sexual satisfaction.

Sex addiction is a disease, and it’s not something which I can really control; rather, part of my recovery is based on trusting in God that I might be free of lust. I know that everytime I lust that I’m setting myself up for self-destruction.

This is made so much more difficult by the way so many girls advertise their bodies anymore. No place is safe anymore. In fact, just browsing amazon.com tonight to buy my mother some bedroom slippers for Christmas, some slinky lingerie product picture pops up! And if I go to Facebook, the sidebar features ads of young girls in provocative positions. And today I saw some CD album cover with a girl having her legs full spread. And let’s not even talk about the picture which I saw the other day which unfortunately caused me to lose it.

You have no idea how badly I would like to get sober and live something of a normal life and be able to interact with all women regardless of appearance, but I fear I never will so long as so many girls exploit my sexuality as a male. Some days I think I’d be better off living in Saudi Arabia where women are forced to where burqas for my own sanity, but that seems like an extreme.

Just looking at a statue of Our Blessed Mother this evening, I thought, “She is a woman, and a beautiful woman, at that, and my sexuality as a man tells me that she is beautiful and pure, qualities which I desire in a partner, but I’m not driven to lust for her.” Likewise with my patroness, St. Gemma Galgani, who is exceedingly beautiful and also pure. St. Therese was also a very beautiful girl, but I’ve never had lustful thoughts about any of these images, but my sexuality alerts me that they are all women. Being a sex addict, I’ve sometimes worried that this disease my corrupt my relationship with female saints, but far from it, it’s really the only guiding light I have to show me the true qualities and real dignity of women.

I wish I could tell all of the girls who feel the need to expose their flesh or wear excessively form-fitting clothing that such advertisement isn’t necessary and that your not going to find true love by showing every man your goods. If you’ve been blessed with beauty, then thank God for it and put some clothes on.

This sex addiction and lust thing is my problem which I’m having to work with God on, yes, but it’d be nice if “the problem” would stop teasing me.

 

[Luke_K]

Here’s something you could try that works for me. Try your hardest to never separate sex and sexiness from procreation. When you think about it, the only reason a curvy woman attracts us guys is because, biologically, those curves are a sign of fertility. Our brains are telling us that that woman is healthy and good for raising kids with. If you make this your mindset, women who dress provocatively just seem weird and silly- even laughable. What they’re really saying with their bodies is, “Hey look at me! I’m fertile! I’m ready to have children, so impregnate me already!” And then you’re like “Yeah, I know you’re fertile and able to handle procreating, but I don’t want to have kids with you!”

This may sound silly at first, but I think it’s the mindset that God meant us to have. Like the Church teaches, we’re never supposed to separate the unitive and procreative aspects of sex, so it makes sense to never separate those two desires. And from a purely biological standpoint, it’s more real than acting like the sexual pleasure exists for its own sake.

In many African cultures the women go topless all the time, but it’s not like the guys are going crazy over it. They have so many children over there that the men just view breasts for what they are used for: feeding babies.

 

[flyingfish]

Are you a real sex addict, or are you just phrasing your temptations that way? If you have real problems with sex addiction (like seeing prostitutes, frequently sleeping with strangers, spending hours viewing porn) maybe you need to get professional help?

 

[LilyM]

What helps me with distractions (in my case my problem is with anger rather than lust) is to just pray lots - both for myself and for the other person - and try to see them as someone who God loves regardless, which He does. How can I then not love what He loves?

 

[Catholic90]

As a sex addict… but I fear I never will so long as so many girls exploit my sexuality as a male. Some days I think I’d be better off living in Saudi Arabia where women are forced to where burqas for my own sanity, but that seems like an extreme.
.

Uh, yeah…right.

They are EXPLOITING YOU. Right.

Sounds like self control issues. Sounds like an excuse to me.

 

[LilyM]

Uh, yeah…right.

They are EXPLOITING YOU. Right.

Sounds like self control issues. Sounds like an excuse to me.

I wouldn’t be that harsh - some people (men and women) do suffer genuine and well-recognised psychiatric disorders that have to do with sex. Seek psychological counselling or psychiatric help if you’re one of them, or think you might be.

Having said which - a burqa ain’t gonna help. Rape still happens in countries where women cover up, probably every bit as often as anywhere else.

 

[beafedor]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and struggle. I was one of these girls before and now I understand the trouble that their clothing and attitude can cause. I’m so sorry that you guys have to face unnecessary temptations everyday, anytime, no matter where you look.

My husband was on a trip to Italy a week ago and I told him I was praying to St Michael everyday to fight the potential temptations. He said that he started to put women in 3 categories: the mothers (older women), the sisters (younger women) and the only one he can be intimate with (his wife).

St Michael the Archangel defend us in battle.

 

[Catholic90]

I wouldn’t be that harsh - some people (men and women) do suffer genuine and well-recognised psychiatric disorders that have to do with sex. Seek psychological counselling or psychiatric help if you’re one of them, or think you might be.

Having said which - a burqa ain’t gonna help. Rape still happens in countries where women cover up, probably every bit as often as anywhere else.

I recognize that some people do suffer from psychiatric disorders.

HOWEVER, to claim that women are EXPLOITING HIM is ridiculous!

 

[havana1]

Easy answer to solve the ‘sex addict’ problem: Get your doctor to prescribe a benzodiazepine (e.g., xanax, klonopin, even the sleep-med lunesta is in that class.) Those meds are guaranteed to kill your libido. GUARANTEED. I should know: I have been on one for several years and I have no reaction to the slightest hint of skin anywhere.

Don’t take my word for it: Google any benzo name with keyword “lost libido,” etc., and you’ll get page after page of results attesting to it. If you don’t want to be a sex addict, you can get a Rx from your doctor that will make it go away like aspirin makes a headache go away.

 

[MercyMia]

Epistemes…in many ways these girls are a victim of sexual addiction too…they may dress that way because they are addicted to the response of men. They are seeking approval and attention out of a desperation to be loved. They have a distorted sense of their value. Do not feel temped by them, but see it as an outward sign of their inward longing. You are both seeking the same thing, friendship and a genuine connection. In our distorted culture, we just want to bring everything to a sexual place instead of a real friendship, to consume a person.
A girl dressing skimpy is no justification for objectifying her…as others pointed out, rape is no less common in countries where women are forced to cover their body and faces…and in many Muslim countries where this is the case, abuse is worse. This is about the value of a woman, not a cause and effect of a girl’s fashion choice.
This is something that you have to work out internally. You have to start loving women as sister’s in Christ first… What man lusts after his sister? Even your own wife someday will be a sister-in-Christ to you, so you are not to lust after her but to love her and give yourself to her completely in a holy and sacramental way. Giving, not taking.
I believe you when you say your sexual addiction is real. This is a real cross to carry…but you know Christ can get you through this.

 

[Ailina]

As a sex addict, and as someone who has unfortunately tended to view women as objects – which has even more unfortunately affected my social relationships with women – one of the things which I’m trying to do is change my thinking about women so that I see them in a more balanced light as human beings to whom I am attracted but not as objects meant only for sexual satisfaction.

Sex addiction is a disease, and it’s not something which I can really control; rather, part of my recovery is based on trusting in God that I might be free of lust. I know that everytime I lust that I’m setting myself up for self-destruction.

This is made so much more difficult by the way so many girls advertise their bodies anymore. No place is safe anymore. In fact, just browsing amazon.com tonight to buy my mother some bedroom slippers for Christmas, some slinky lingerie product picture pops up! And if I go to Facebook, the sidebar features ads of young girls in provocative positions. And today I saw some CD album cover with a girl having her legs full spread. And let’s not even talk about the picture which I saw the other day which unfortunately caused me to lose it.

You have no idea how badly I would like to get sober and live something of a normal life and be able to interact with all women regardless of appearance, but I fear I never will so long as so many girls exploit my sexuality as a male. Some days I think I’d be better off living in Saudi Arabia where women are forced to where burqas for my own sanity, but that seems like an extreme.

Just looking at a statue of Our Blessed Mother this evening, I thought, “She is a woman, and a beautiful woman, at that, and my sexuality as a man tells me that she is beautiful and pure, qualities which I desire in a partner, but I’m not driven to lust for her.” Likewise with my patroness, St. Gemma Galgani, who is exceedingly beautiful and also pure. St. Therese was also a very beautiful girl, but I’ve never had lustful thoughts about any of these images, but my sexuality alerts me that they are all women. Being a sex addict, I’ve sometimes worried that this disease my corrupt my relationship with female saints, but far from it, it’s really the only guiding light I have to show me the true qualities and real dignity of women.

I wish I could tell all of the girls who feel the need to expose their flesh or wear excessively form-fitting clothing that such advertisement isn’t necessary and that your not going to find true love by showing every man your goods. If you’ve been blessed with beauty, then thank God for it and put some clothes on.

This sex addiction and lust thing is my problem which I’m having to work with God on, yes, but it’d be nice if “the problem” would stop teasing me.

Yeah, I’d say that burqas would be extreme. How much covering up would satisfy you? I’m living in a very cold country right now, and we might as well be wearing burqas because it is -35 C with a nasty wind chill. All the women here are covered from head to foot. So are the guys, so we women are safe in our virtue as well from all those tempting ripling muscles and tight jeans.

 

[tundramom]

here’s the thing… if you truly are an addict.

Can an alcoholic dictate to those around them not to drink because it bothers them? Can an alcoholic persuade companies not to advertise? Can an alcoholic expect bars not to put those neat neon signs in their windows? Can an alcoholic expect that everyone, everywhere will understand that he/she can’t handle being around the temptations so everyone else needs to change? Of course not.

You’re being arrogant. Your expectations are unrealistic. I don’t know what kind of literature you have as far as SAA goes… but the Big Book of AA tells us drunks that “half measures avail us nothing…” We need to go through what our part is in every situation. I need to leave a place if my mind starts going there. I have the tools. I just need to pick them up and use them.

Hopefully you are working a program with a sponsor. If not, I’d suggest you do so.

The world is not going to change simply because seeing flesh makes it difficult for you. It’s really not all about you, is it? you aren’t the director of the play of humankind.

I’ll pray for you.
Steph

*for those of you who think this may be too harsh, I apologize. The plain truth is the only real way that those of us who battle addictions can communicate effectively.

 

[James_S_Saint]

I recognize that some people do suffer from psychiatric disorders.

HOWEVER, to claim that women are EXPLOITING HIM is ridiculous!

I have known FAR too many women who have openly confessed using sexiness to manipulate. Advertisers do it, social engineers do it, politicians do, entertainers do it. It is using the weakness of others to get something from them. So yes, "“EXPLOITING” is EXACTLY what it is.

No matter who you are, you have a weakness. If not sex, then there IS something else. Anyone using that weakness to manipulate you is exploiting. That is what the word means.

To get past it you merely have to obtain a higher standard, something that means far more to you.

In my case, I greatly admire a sexy figure, but it can’t compare to what I actually would want from a woman. When I think about my “ideal”, her sexiness becomes somewhat irrelevant and loses power. Make that image of your ideal strong enough, and it will be instant in your mind.

No woman can tease you once you know what you really want and don’t want.

 

[fabricdragon]

well, first of all… you have some points, but they are undermined by your continuing to see everything as personal.

a woman wearing immodest dress is not “exploiting you” she doesn’t know you.

the most likely thing is that the poor woman has no idea how immodest she is being.
another possibility is that she has been taught that she has no value, that no one will ever care for her… except as a lust object.

and frankly? there is also the fact that as someone with a problem, you will react to even modest clothes, and perceive them as immodest.

i will second (or third) the people who say you need to get help form a professional.
and yes, you may need to take a few pills for a short while to “break the cycle” in your libido. that is between you and a doctor.

when i was beginning my battle with one of my phobias… i took some anti anxiety meds right before i had to face my fears… it gave me a memory of “this isnt paralyzing, it isnt that bad” that i could cling to when i had to face it WITHOUT medication… such that while i still deal with my phobias, i do so without medication, and without panic.

As someone with a sexual addiction, and a pornography addiction… you will have to do some things that others do not… in the same way that an alcoholic cannot hang out in a bar like his friends do: (this is in addition to seeing a doctor for therapy)

1. install all the ad blocking/pop up blocking software you can
2. use the internet as SELDOM as you can, and avoid most of the sites that require you to view ads… yes even if it means giving up facebook.
   (some networking sites let you block ads if you are a paid member)
3. develop a short circuit habit…
   when you feel yourself succumbing to your addictions… or when tempted… have a short repeatable prayer quick to mind. repeat it… a lot… out loud.
4. wear a scapular and carry a rosary at ALL TIMES
   when temptation does strike, immediately keep your hands and your mind occupied with prayer. (if you cant do that, find SOMETHING to do that keeps you busy until the temptation passes, but i assure you carpentry is not easy on a bus)
5. avoid any near occasions of sin that you can… no you cant avoid them all, but you know the magazine racks are a threat to you, so dont go there, either have someone else get “Time” for you, or subscribe.
6. tough one… tell your family and close friends that you are fighting a battle with lust/porn/internet addiction and you are not able to go to many of these sites…
7. ask someone to be your accountability partner.
8. remember that part of the temptation you face is the same as Adam’s…“its not my fault! she tempted me!” that is part of fallen human nature. know that for a sinful fallen thought every bit as much as any of the sexual ones.
9. The devil has many snares for the unwary. one of the easiest to fall into is “they asked for it” you can use that to cover lying, gossip, lust, hate…not just what you are facing… its easy to love someone who loves you, and hate someone who “deserves it” by being hateful… that isnt the way of God. so EVEN if a woman did behave badly… “she deserves it” is a problem.
10. we all fail. Thank God for confession. Go to confession regularly… and visit the Lord in the Eucharist often

i will be praying for you

 

[w2bp88]

I recognize that some people do suffer from psychiatric disorders.

HOWEVER, to claim that women are EXPLOITING HIM is ridiculous!

I think you are a bit too harsh and quick to shoot someone down rather than trying to help. I can understand why he feels that way because I am confronted with these girls every day. Living in a college town, I don’t think there has ever been a day when I don’t see a lot of cleavage or shorts practically showing butt. I feel bad for the guys because it can be hard when sexual images and temptations are everywhere. Girls are showing more than ever before and it’s bad for everyone involved.

You are too caught up with the specific words he uses but I can see what he means. A lot of girls do know that if they dress a certain way they will get the attention they desire. So while that may not be exploitation, it is definitely playing on a weakness.

Try and have a little more compassion.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Posters here have made some good and bad points.

As a young married woman, let me add my 2 cents.

If you are a sex addict, you NEED to be in therapy. NOW. It’s the same as a drug addiction or alcoholism. You NEED to find a professional, as it is a true disorder. You can’t live your whole life afraid of waterparks because girls wear bathing suits there. And even conservative bathing suits are FAR skimpier than day-to-day clothes. I, as one woman, refuse to go swimming in a burka

I’ve noticed that men tend to blame women for their temptations, but I invite you to look at it a different way. Probably the way that a good 90 percent of these women are fitting in to it. They aren’t deliberatly going out of their way to tempt you personally. Many of the ads you are referring to were made by marketing companies that know that sex sells. The women who end up in these ads are women who have been so BEATEN DOWN that they think the only worth they have as women is to turn men on. Many women are being told from as early as they can remember that if they can’t turn men on, they are useless. Women are judged constantly by their looks. CONSTANTLY. I have noticed dramatic differences in the service I receive from stores based on what I am wearing and how I am made up.

Lingere pop-ups and ads are also designed to attract both men AND women. The ad pops up, a husband thinks about buying his wife that lingere. THe ad pops up, and the woman says “wel, if I buy that maybe I can look like her.” I am DEAD serious with that.

Go easy on us women. We are caught in this struggle between what the world wants us to be, how the world judges us, and trying to maintain a shred of dignity. Many of us fail. You only need to watch the Disney Channel or a Miley Cyrus music video to see what girls as young as EIGHT are being brainwashed with. It’s no wonder so many of us fail. Get help for your addiction, and pray for all of us.

I’d also advise you not to look at women as “breeding machines” either. We are your sisters in christ, and someday, one will be your wife.

 

[psalm42]

I agree with witacre girl that if you believe you are a sex addict you need to get some kind of help. While it is great that you are acknowledging you have a weakness, you need to find resources that can help. If you are Catholic, see a priest. There are a lot of good books out there today and find an older male who has gone through a similar struggle and came out on top to talk to. A Christian professional may be able to help you delve deeper into why you struggle with lust. By this I mean I used to be addicted to food and I binged even knowing it was wrong. I finally realized that eating until I was stuffed alienated the underlying pain I always felt–eating took away that other pain temporarily because I got that “high” while I ate.It was a horrible cycle. But I sought help and realized some things about myself and how to love myself better–what I was truly worth in Christ. And things to do if I was tempted to binge. I thought I was going to be like that the rest of my life. But by the grace of God and his help I lost a lot of weight

Remember, all things are possible with Christ.

Which brings me to my next point. Witacre girl talked about marketing. We all know sex sells and a lot of women do think their worth is only by their physical looks. Think about all the young girls that are exploited on tv. etc…the media portrays that mostly young women are more desirable than older women. Since I lost a lot of weight and being a young woman myself, I have struggled with how t.v. media portrays women. I am also torn sometimes with how a woman is supposed to truly be. We were not made to manipulate men with our bodies and words, gossip, and demand our way under all cost, which I think a lot of media portrays it as such.

Now that I am more educated about how the media portrays women, sometimes if I see a picture of a woman sexily clad, designed to elicit sexual desires by anyone, I feel bad for the girl. I used to get extremely jealous and want to be like her. hmm… but honestly sometimes I still get jealous if I let my mind wander. So this is a struggle for me and I am young Catholic woman who desires to live a life God wants me to live. And I struggle with wanting to be “sexy” like the women who cause men to stumble. So, hopefully this helps you and maybe you can start praying for God to open your eyes to your struggle. Remember, there are a lot of solid Christian people who can pray for you if you ask. There is help and keep praying even when you feel hopeless.

 

[havana1]

I agree with witacre girl that if you believe you are a sex addict you need to get some kind of help.

Ditto on that. Get a doctor to prescribe some xanax or lunesta, and the libido (and the sex addiction) goes away - poof! - just like that. Unless the OP likes being a sex addict because it gives him a cross to bear? I dunno.

There’s simply no excuse not to get it treated (and so easily, too), and so forgive me if I have no compassion or empathy for the guy - and I’m a guy.

 

[chevalier]

Uh, yeah…right.

They are EXPLOITING YOU. Right.

Sounds like self control issues. Sounds like an excuse to me.

Disagreed. He owns up to his problem and he’s right on that one. He points out this thing you take issue with and he’s right on that one. He admits to his control issues, so that’s not a point there and he’s not trying to hide them. And yes, they’re exploiting him. Not him personally but any man. Those advertisements and marketing tactics are wrong and they’re evil.

I recognize that some people do suffer from psychiatric disorders.

HOWEVER, to claim that women are EXPLOITING HIM is ridiculous!

It’s not ridiculous. Those ads are indeed exploiting him. Bombarding an unwilling recipient with strong sexual stimuli is a form of mental rape.

here’s the thing… if you truly are an addict.

Can an alcoholic dictate to those around them not to drink because it bothers them? Can an alcoholic persuade companies not to advertise? Can an alcoholic expect bars not to put those neat neon signs in their windows? Can an alcoholic expect that everyone, everywhere will understand that he/she can’t handle being around the temptations so everyone else needs to change? Of course not.

You’re being arrogant. Your expectations are unrealistic. I don’t know what kind of literature you have as far as SAA goes… but the Big Book of AA tells us drunks that “half measures avail us nothing…” We need to go through what our part is in every situation. I need to leave a place if my mind starts going there. I have the tools. I just need to pick them up and use them.

Disagreed. He’s not being arrogant in wanting the sexualised ads to stop. Your analogies aren’t all right. Drinking in moderation is not a wrong act. Using sex to sell products is. Attempting to elicit out of people sexual responses against their will is wrong. Underlining pleasant features, showing off the good looks, that’s one thing. It says: “look, I’m pretty; if you pursue me and succeed in it, you will be lucky.” It isn’t all that different from showing off intelligence or courage or other qualities. However, trying to skip the participation of will and reason by appealing directly to one’s sexual functions, that’s wrong. And yes, it should stop.

using sexiness to manipulate. Advertisers do it, social engineers do it, politicians do, entertainers do it. It is using the weakness of others to get something from them. So yes, "“EXPLOITING” is EXACTLY what it is.

Agreed.

a woman wearing immodest dress is not “exploiting you” she doesn’t know you.

Well, she’s exploiting him as the random man who popped up in audience. She isn’t exploiting him as John Smith or Joe Buddy, but she’s exploiting him as a nameless man. If she is.

the most likely thing is that the poor woman has no idea how immodest she is being.

Not sure of that, though most likely she’s simply ignorant of it being wrong.

another possibility is that she has been taught that she has no value, that no one will ever care for her… except as a lust object.

True.

However, I agree with suggestions to get professional aid and therapy. From a *Catholic *counsellor, I might add, as otherwise it might be very dangerous. And from a spiritual counsellor, perhaps a spiritual director (I mean a priest, not a “generic” spiritual advisor).

 

[Augusta_Sans]

It sounds like a lot of the images that set you off are advertisements or images while browsing online.

Here are two practical suggestions to avoid sexual distractions online:

1. Install Firefox and install the add-on “Adblock Plus.”
2. There is another Firefox feature you can turn on. Click “Tools,” then select “Options,” then select “Content” from the top bar. Uncheck the box that says “Load images automatically.” You can add “safe sites” to the list of exceptions and when visiting new sites that you trust, you can click to load the images that are relevant to what you’re reading. This will also speed up your internet browsing and make it easier to read articles without any distractions.

I don’t know what to tell you about female attire. I’m a young woman and I like to wear clothes that fit me well and flatter my features. Our society over-sexualizes women, but I shouldn’t be punished and forced to wear baggy unflattering clothes because other people think impure thoughts when they recognize my female form underneath my clothes. What if I had a nose fetish, and every time I saw a man’s nose I was “turned on?” Could I expect all men to wear ski masks?