How can a person stop needing others approval or caring what they think?

[Sereta]

For example sometimes when I see a new doctor,they will ask what I do but they are not just asking out of general conversation but more like “assessing” you.
When I respond that I have an online business they then pull like this nasty,judgmental face like they feel that’s not a real credible job.
I’m greatly affected about others negative opinions of me,or their lack of approval etc and I don’t want to be this way or feel small etc.
I try to think “that’s their problem” but it doesn’t work.
The more “authoritarian” the person presents themselves etc the more they are able to affect my feelings state and I feel fear of them also and insignificant etc.
Intellectually,I know it’s wrong and I give them too much power and their coming from their own issues etc but when actually interrelating I lack the skills to deal with them.
Thanks

 

[AussieTrish]

I have relations in authority and responsible professional positions, doctors and general managers of several departments.
My Dad was head of a government department. No need to be in awe of any of them.
They are just human like everyone else.
Just imagine them at table with their families, laughing and talking. Playing with their children or grandchildren. And yes, they do.
I have one photo of my Dad sitting on the child’s rocking horse he kept for grandchildren.
Photos of him building sandcastles on the beach with my children.
Put him in his suit and tie and he looked 100% professional, responsible for hiring, responsible for the department.
He’s gone now but remains in my heart as the most delightful father, yet, you possibly would have been totally awed.
But I do know he liked people to be natural and honest, certainly not fearful.

 

[Phalanx]

I feel you, I had the same issue when I was working in telemarketing Im sure the same goes for rent-a-cops, parking ticket enforcers, aspiring actors/writers and many more. Even if you absolutely love your job, sometimes one just doesn’t want to put up with whatever potential “judgement” that may come with it, even if its only in your own head

Try putting another label on it when you feel you’re in a inferior position or w/e. Instead of having an online business just say you’re an entrepreneur or just plain business owner? Its basically the same thing just in a vague term. Put abit of distance in how personal you get. If you’re not being personal, there is no need for approval, am i right? At least its a start

 

[Kmon23]

I also had something similar.
Ultimately what I did personally was pray to God to help me become less affected by the world but to concentrate my focus on Him at such times.

Another way is to think of them as all being in common grounds with you, that we are all human needing of Christ, or to find purpose in life.

 

[Xantippe]

sereta said:

“When I respond that I have an online business they then pull like this nasty,judgmental face like they feel that’s not a real credible job.”

You probably want to rephrase it so it doesn’t sound like you are a webcam girl or a spammer.

“I sell china on ebay,” sounds more reputable.

 

[Sereta]

I have relations in authority and responsible professional positions, doctors and general managers of several departments.
My Dad was head of a government department. No need to be in awe of any of them.
They are just human like everyone else.
Just imagine them at table with their families, laughing and talking. Playing with their children or grandchildren. And yes, they do.
I have one photo of my Dad sitting on the child’s rocking horse he kept for grandchildren.
Photos of him building sandcastles on the beach with my children.
Put him in his suit and tie and he looked 100% professional, responsible for hiring, responsible for the department.
He’s gone now but remains in my heart as the most delightful father, yet, you possibly would have been totally awed.
But I do know he liked people to be natural and honest, certainly not fearful.

I don’t have this problem with police etc or other people you mentioned as they usually come across as approachable and with an air that they are the same/equal as everyone else.
So I don’t technically have an issue with authority.
It’s only with people that carry an air which they perceive themselves as higher then other people,or they strut around with self importance.
In my circumstances,it has usually been some doctors,or others in the healthcare profession,which have been this way.
Your dad sounds like a great man,but the people that I feel fear,not at their level,and small in front of,are the opposite of what your dad seemed like and they go out of their way to NOT be approachable and only associate with their other high earning,prestigious etc peers.
Mentally,I know these people don’t value kindness and gentleness etc but yet emotionally I still need/seek their approval and to feel as equal/“powerful” as them.

 

[Sereta]

sereta said:

“When I respond that I have an online business they then pull like this nasty,judgmental face like they feel that’s not a real credible job.”

You probably want to rephrase it so it doesn’t sound like you are a webcam girl or a spammer.

“I sell china on ebay,” sounds more reputable.

Oh,they know it’s in sales and not a webcam girl lol but if I said Ebay that would sound even worse to them than just sales.
They view an online(proper) job as not being able to succeed and function in “the real world” so they judge that person as dysfunctional and lesser than them etc…
I know these people are judgmental and measure a person off their level of worldly success,titles and prestige but at the same time on an emotional level I still can’t help being affected by them and I see them as “higher” then me and they often have a large presence too wheras I appear a bit childlike and slight.

 

[Sereta]

I feel you, I had the same issue when I was working in telemarketing Im sure the same goes for rent-a-cops, parking ticket enforcers, aspiring actors/writers and many more. Even if you absolutely love your job, sometimes one just doesn’t want to put up with whatever potential “judgement” that may come with it, even if its only in your own head

Try putting another label on it when you feel you’re in a inferior position or w/e. Instead of having an online business just say you’re an entrepreneur or just plain business owner? Its basically the same thing just in a vague term. Put abit of distance in how personal you get. If you’re not being personal, there is no need for approval, am i right? At least its a start

Thanks.
I’ve tried the vague answer but they’ve asked direct questions such as where and for how long.
These types have no interest in boundaries.
If I try to keep it vague they insinuate I have something to hide.
If I tell them they pull their faces and I feel internally horrible.
My natural inclination would be to lie as I don’t believe I owe them anything,but Catholic teaching says it’s a sin to lie.
It feels like catch22 situation.

 

[kmuestwin]

So, you have job in which you make online sales and when you explain your job people make judgmental faces…

I think you should quit your job and start a new career. Obviously, if other people think your job isn’t important, then it isn’t. You’ve wasted time and effort and you should really grow up and get a real job.

NOT!!!

Does your job make you happy? Do you gain personal fulfillment from it? Does this online job offer benefits that a brick and mortar job couldn’t?

I’m sure your answer to these questions are all yes and if you do enjoy your job then don’t worry about the assumptions other people make. In most cases, when you try to explain your job to someone, you will sound like you are making excuses or trying to justify yourself. My advice to you is this: NEVER COMPLAIN, NEVER EXPLAIN. When people ask about your job, give a brief description and leave it at that. If they ask for details, shift the focus to the benefits that your job has (work from home, set your own hours etc…) Then change the subject back the person your talking to. People LOVE to talk about themselves and allowing them to complain to you about their job will make you look and feel more confident.

Let me outline a potential conversation:

Person#1: “So, what do you do?”

Sereta: “I work in online sales.”

Person#1: (weird look you mentioned) “Online sales, what does that mean?”

Sereta: "I really enjoy it (expound a little more about your job and mention at least one of the many benefits it affords you then deftly switch the conversation to focus on Person#1) “Do you do any online shopping Person#1?”

At this point, you’ll have them talking about themselves and you will be able to easily steer the conversation to Person#1’s career, hobbies, or other interests.

SUMMARY:

1. Be positive
2. Be brief
3. Make the person you are talking to the focus of the conversation.

 

[mandy2]

Always remember, God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

 

[Xantippe]

“Online sales” still sounds like Viagra spammer to my ear, so I wouldn’t use that terminology.

I think you may be doing too much mind-reading when you talk to people in authority. Try to figure out how to start taking what people say to you at face value, rather than trying to decode hidden messages. When somebody says, “That’s nice,” try to believe them.

Everybody has their own problems that they are thinking about, even when they are keeping up light social patter. A lot of the stuff that is hurting you is just them filling up dead air time or checking boxes, rather than an inquisition. Honestly, they don’t care that much about you. They’re thinking about lunch, or their diet, or their kids’ problems at school or their plumbing problems at home–they’ve only got about 50% of their brain devoted to you and what you’re saying.

Also, I think therapy is a good idea.

 

[1ke]

For example sometimes when I see a new doctor,they will ask what I do but they are not just asking out of general conversation but more like “assessing” you.

Have you considered that this is your insecurity talking?

Sometimes a question is just a question. Whenever I’ve had doctors or other professionals I am seeing for various reasons ask me questions like that, it’s an attempt to build rapport.

When I respond that I have an online business they then pull like this nasty,judgmental face like they feel that’s not a real credible job.

Again, are you sure you are interpreting things correctly? I doubt if every person you come across thinks an online company is not a “real” job. I mean, Jeff Bezos has an online business, it’s called Amazon.com.

I’m greatly affected about others negative opinions of me,or their lack of approval etc and I don’t want to be this way or feel small etc.
I try to think “that’s their problem” but it doesn’t work.
The more “authoritarian” the person presents themselves etc the more they are able to affect my feelings state and I feel fear of them also and insignificant etc.
Intellectually,I know it’s wrong and I give them too much power and their coming from their own issues etc but when actually interrelating I lack the skills to deal with them.
Thanks

I don’t know that we can help you with this online. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help? Getting to the bottom of why you find yourself deferring to these others, feeling inadequate, etc.

 

[1ke]

Oh,they know it’s in sales and not a webcam girl lol but if I said Ebay that would sound even worse to them than just sales.
They view an online(proper) job as not being able to succeed and function in “the real world” so they judge that person as dysfunctional and lesser than them etc…
I know these people are judgmental and measure a person off their level of worldly success,titles and prestige but at the same time on an emotional level I still can’t help being affected by them and I see them as “higher” then me and they often have a large presence too wheras I appear a bit childlike and slight.

Sounds to me like you are making up stories in your head about what other people are thinking about you. These are not facts. These are stories you are telling yourself, and motivations you are giving to others. They may in fact bear no relation to reality.

 

[Jared2914]

Sounds you like have social anxiety. It may not be bad enough to prevent you living your life but still causes problems sometimes. If you have really good close friends that don’t judge you, you could talk to them about your fear of being judged. For people that don’t have those close friends, the recommended treatment is seeing a good counselor. If you can find one, see a Catholic counselor, but they are rare. You might have better luck with a non-denominational Christian counselor who will at least have some of the same beliefs. All counselors are taught to respect their clients’ beliefs though, so even a secular one could be a good fit. The advantage of a Catholic counselor is that they can also strengthen you in the faith.