How can God forgive this?

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twosweetgirls

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Quick background: Husband suffers from diagnosed anxiety/depression. Most times, it’s well controlled by meds and routine. /end

Last week, he caught some kind of flu which took him out of work for a solid week. In that time, he became so unbearable with his perceived needs that I couldn’t stand him. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do; it was all wrong and he many times let me vulgarly know it. All this has made it impossible to attend our parish’s women’s Emmaus Retreat this year. (Quick b/g there: it would have been my first time away, from either husband or kids, in eight years; my way would have been paid by a generous benefactor; and it just so happened that the retreat’s weekend had serendipitously occured on my husband’s weekend off.) Husband has made it clear that he’d rather go hunting or do anything else than watch our girls; after all, he works so hard and deserves it (his words), especially after being sick. So, the ugliness of everything has made it impossible for me to go to the retreat, .

So, I told God–in no uncertain terms–that He could go f-word Himself, that He could do whatever He wanted in my situation but that I’d rather die without grace than continue to follow Him. Sure, God, be it done unto me, but You can go f-word off; I cursed His Name, you name it–I’ve been so stomped down and dragged out in these last two weeks that it’s been a singular empty despair. And for a while there, I truly, honestly didn’t care.

Yet, I want to jump back into my precious Rosary, but catch myself and go “Oh, that’s right, I shoved Him out”. I cross myself in the morning and think, “Oh right, He’s not a part of my life now”. I went to teach CCD last night and felt like the planet’s biggest, fakest hypocrite. I want to trust in Him again, and live every day as a Catholic to the core of my being again, yet I feel like I can’t because (1) of the foulness of the things I said to Him, and (2) feeling like a petulant child who doesn’t want her Holy Saviour, her Daddy. Going to confession with this is going to be so personally subjective that I dread it.

How can God forgive me?
 
Oh my dear sister,
Turn to God and tell him how sorry you are. He loves you so much and is longing for you to come back. Your sin is not unforgiveable. Just go to him and pour out your heart. Then go to confession and tell the priest what you said. You will be amazed at how God’s forgiveness will wash over you.
My prayers are with you.
 
God can forgive that and certainly will. It sounds more like you can’t forgive yourself and are assuming God would feel the same way. But God is so much more than any abilities we think we have or not have. You need to make an appointment with your priest and discuss the matter.
 
I know He can and will forgive you. Because I know in my heart He has forgiven me. I stood in the middle of the desert like a raving lunitic and yelled every vulgarity and cuss word I could yell at Him. I later laughed at the ridiculous word combinations and sentence structures I used. And I believe He even had a good laugh at how stupid I sounded.

I’m fairly certain that you and I aren’t the first to blaspheme so terribly. Sure we won’t be the last. After my temper tantrum I was sorry about it, but I was still mad at Him. He let me be mad as long as I needed to be. Which turns out wasn’t that long.

You must ask Him to forgive you. And you must forgive yourself. And remember it is fore- giveness. By the time you ask for it, you’ll find He’s already given it. Anger isn’t in itself sinful. But being to proud or stubborn to say I’m sorry is.

I pray for you, raa
 
Trust in God’s infinite love for you. He wants to shower you with His grace.

Also, it is important that you have time off for yourself. Hopefully you can get a baby sitter. If your husband just doesn’t understand and is unreasonable perhaps counseling is in order. Hopefully you can talk to a priest about this marriage situation in which you do not get needed time for yourself.
 
Twosweetgirls, our pastor frequently says that there is only one sin that is unforgivable: not asking for forgiveness.

As Advent approaches, I hope that you will give yourself this gift and make the time take the first step toward healing and go to Reconciliation. (It’s right there, in the name, friend!).
😉
 
The depth of everything is Holy, including our sins and the superficial/surface of everything is profane. God uses the circumstances of our lives, including our sins, to transform us and lead us to him. Trust fully in God and lean not on your own understanding (Prov 3:5).
 
twosweetgirls said:
Quick background: Husband suffers from diagnosed anxiety/depression. Most times, it’s well controlled by meds and routine. /end

Last week, he caught some kind of flu which took him out of work for a solid week. In that time, he became so unbearable with his perceived needs that I couldn’t stand him. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do; it was all wrong and he many times let me vulgarly know it. All this has made it impossible to attend our parish’s women’s Emmaus Retreat this year. (Quick b/g there: it would have been my first time away, from either husband or kids, in eight years; my way would have been paid by a generous benefactor; and it just so happened that the retreat’s weekend had serendipitously occured on my husband’s weekend off.) Husband has made it clear that he’d rather go hunting or do anything else than watch our girls; after all, he works so hard and deserves it (his words), especially after being sick. So, the ugliness of everything has made it impossible for me to go to the retreat, .

So, I told God–in no uncertain terms–that He could go f-word Himself, that He could do whatever He wanted in my situation but that I’d rather die without grace than continue to follow Him. Sure, God, be it done unto me, but You can go f-word off; I cursed His Name, you name it–I’ve been so stomped down and dragged out in these last two weeks that it’s been a singular empty despair. And for a while there, I truly, honestly didn’t care.

Yet, I want to jump back into my precious Rosary, but catch myself and go “Oh, that’s right, I shoved Him out”. I cross myself in the morning and think, “Oh right, He’s not a part of my life now”. I went to teach CCD last night and felt like the planet’s biggest, fakest hypocrite. I want to trust in Him again, and live every day as a Catholic to the core of my being again, yet I feel like I can’t because (1) of the foulness of the things I said to Him, and (2) feeling like a petulant child who doesn’t want her Holy Saviour, her Daddy. Going to confession with this is going to be so personally subjective that I dread it.

How can God forgive me?
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Only the Adversary-working in concert with our pride-would want to keep you thinking God’s irrevocably pushed out while God has big shoulders and can take any of our nonsense-He knows us better than we know ourselves and mercy and forgiveness are His continuous offer to us.
 
twosweetgirls :hug1:

Of course God can forgive you! If you had a child who said something like this to you, but then was sorry and apologized with many tears, wouldn’t you forgive them? Well God’s love is infinite and so is His mercy. It seems that He is calling you back to Himself, but the enemy is tempting you to despair. This is one of the ways the devil works… first he tempts us to a sin, and then to think that God won’t forgive us for the sin. You said you want to trust Him again and live once more as a Catholic…well the reason you have this desire is because the Holy Spirit is working in your life. When you want to pray again, don’t think to yourself, “I can’t because I’ve rejected Him” - because this isn’t a final choice… you can choose to accept Him again and go to Confession and be absolved of your sin. Don’t be afraid of going to Confession, the priest is there to give you God’s forgiveness, not to judge you.

Here is something that Jesus said to Sr Josefa Menendez (Church approved revelation from the 20th century)

“I am Love! My Heart can no longer contain its devouring flames. I love souls so dearly that I have sacrificed My life for them. “It is this love that keeps Me a prisoner in the tabernacle. For nearly twenty centuries I have dwelt there, night and day, veiled under the species of Bread and concealed in the small white Host, bearing through love, neglect, solitude, contempt, blasphemies, outrages, sacrileges . . .

“For love of souls, I instituted the Sacrament of Penance, that I might forgive them, not once or twice, but as often as they need it to recover grace. There I wait for them, longing to wash away their sins, not in water, but in My Blood. How often in the course of the ages have I, in one way or another, made known My love for men: I have shown them how ardently I desire their salvation. I have revealed My Heart to them. This devotion has been as light cast over the whole earth, and today by its means those who labor to gain souls to My service have been enabled to do so.

“Now, I want something more, for if I long for love in response to My own, this is not the only return I desire from souls: I want them all to have confidence in My mercy, to expect all from My clemency, and never to doubt My readiness to forgive. I am God, but a God of love! I am a Father, but a Father full of compassion and never harsh. My Heart is infinitely holy but also infinitely wise, and knowing human frailty and infirmity, stoops to poor sinners with infinite mercy. I love those who after a first fall come to Me for pardon . . . I love them still more when they beg pardon for their second sin, and should this happen again, I do not say a million times but a million million times, I still love them and pardon them, and I will wash in My Blood their last as fully as their first sin. Never shall I weary of repentant sinners, nor cease from hoping for their return, and the greater their distress, the greater My welcome. Does not a father love a sick child with special affection? Are not his care and solicitude greater? So is the tenderness and compassion of My Heart more abundant for sinners than for the just. This is what I wish all to know. I will teach sinners that the mercy of My Heart is inexhaustible. Let the callous and indifferent know that My Heart is a fire which will enkindle them, because I love them."
 
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