How can I answer my fellow parishoners?

[PennyinCanada]

There is a family who is expecting ‘another’ child and as we share tasks in parish life, I’ve had the misfortune of hearing negative comments, like “I’ve tried to explain to them how this keeps happening” meaning that they ‘have too many children’.

Both parents are very capable and intelligent, and believe in the teaching of the Church. Now that they’ve passed 3 children and are continuing to be open to children, this is challenging some parishoners’ ideas of what size family they should have. (like it’s any of their business) What kind of reply can I have ready for the next time I get caught in a conversation like that?

Isn’t it bad enough that they likely will get rude comments from family, friends, the workplace, etc without getting the unkind remarks from their own fellow Catholics? Instead of getting annoyed, which I am very tempted to do, I will try to approach this as an opportunity to evangelize. Help. And Thank You.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m from a family of 11, myself. I’ve been on different sides of this issue.

Then, I even went through a time where I was influenced by my surroundings, generally behind my parents’ backs, was starting to say the same kind of things!

However now, I look around at people. My father just passed away in September. He was in Hospice care. One of my sisters built a house next door, mainly with the thought our parents, in their old age, could live there.

Another sister of mine is a nurse. She discovered my father had sleep apnea and helped him with…CPAP?

Different ones in the family were visiting throughout. Another of my sisters was involved in some ways, as well.

I saw the strength a large family has had with both my parents through this.

Further, I went through hard times, and having lots of siblings also came as a blessing to me. Different ones helped me in different ways.

My mother has said if I ever wanted to that I could actually stay with her (at my sister’s house that she built for my parents).

Now, a friend of mine is from a family of two. He lost his father, and it’s only their mother. They found having only 2 siblings on this to be hard.

I have seen, firsthand, how a large family is a blessing, especially in one’s old age.

I suppose one could refer people back to the Bible, remind them of Abram…whose name was changed to “Abraham” meaning “many” or “multitude”!

Mother Teresa also asked how someone could have too many children. She said telling someone they had too many children would be like telling them they had too many flowers. (I heard that Homer Simpson said that the idea of having too many kids would be like having too many donuts).

 

[Pablopedro]

I am the youngest of seven children and as you might guess I take considerable offense at such mentalities.

There’s nothing like people essentially saying that you should not have existed and that it was wrong for your parents to have given you life to really get your blood boiling.

I am very grateful for having been given life, thank you very much, and you are free to quote me to your fellow parishioners or anyone else who makes claims of “too many” children.

I would take poverty, genetic defects, lack of attention, or any other malady over non-existence any day. (A little off topic but such things reek of the abortion movement)

I would encourage your fellow parishioners to seek out a person from a large family and inquire with them if they wish they would have preferred non-existence to too many siblings.

 

[EasterJoy]

You might treat it like any other kind of gossip: “Funny, but they never have an unkind word to say about you behind* your* back…” or else “Quit messing around, you didn’t say any such thing! Who would say something like that? Do you think people wouldn’t? People do, you wouldn’t believe it!” (as if you think it preposterous that this person could actually mean what they just said) and then just change the subject. The family does not need applause, after all, even though they deserve it. They mostly just need other people to mind their own business and show some good manners.

The main thing is to speak in such a way that the family, and especially the children, could overhear you and feel good about what you said. Don’t defend them, as if anyone could even remotely think they’re in the wrong. On that account, you could say, “They have such beautiful children and they’re such good parents; why wouldn’t they be thrilled to have another? More power to them, I say!”

 

[angell1]

maybe just say that children are a blessing and if they can take care of them, it’s not a problem.

i’ve gotten the other end of the spectrum since i’m an only child, my parents must be selfish and greedy.

but people don’t know that my mom gave up her career to stay home with me, don’t know all the emotions she went through when they found i had a disability at 6 months, and she was already in her late 30s when she had me. as a result of that, my dad worked 3 jobs for 7 years to support us. i barely ever saw him, to the point where i didn’t fell comfortable calling him dad and used his first name for those 7 years because i felt like i didn’t know him and it was an impersonal relationship.

blows my mind when other make it their business of how many kids people should or should not be having. thre’s got to be something better to do with one’s time.

no, we don’t need a baby ever year to be a good catholic. on the other hand, we don’t need to demonize people who are having more than we think should be coming in to the world. it’s between them and god. the church has given plenty of solutions and ways to help people discern. each family situation is unique and i think it’s important to learn to not condemn others who may not be in the same situation as you. sometimes god only gives one child, sometimes none at all in the hopes that orphaned ones can be adopted. or he provides many, or something in the middle. we can’t force people in to a cookie cutter mold that we’ve made up and pass it off as god’s will.

 

[George_Stegmeir]

There is a family who is expecting ‘another’ child and as we share tasks in parish life, I’ve had the misfortune of hearing negative comments, like “I’ve tried to explain to them how this keeps happening” meaning that they ‘have too many children’.

Both parents are very capable and intelligent, and believe in the teaching of the Church. Now that they’ve passed 3 children and are continuing to be open to children, this is challenging some parishoners’ ideas of what size family they should have. (like it’s any of their business) What kind of reply can I have ready for the next time I get caught in a conversation like that?

Isn’t it bad enough that they likely will get rude comments from family, friends, the workplace, etc without getting the unkind remarks from their own fellow Catholics? Instead of getting annoyed, which I am very tempted to do, I will try to approach this as an opportunity to evangelize. Help. And Thank You.

You could make a joke bout it by telling them: “everyone needs a hobby”! or be blunt and tell them it is none of their business…which is true! It is not like the large family is taking food out of their mouths! Lord, save us all from busybodies.

 

[Mayita30]

just tell them

THe more the merrier !!! Children are such a blessing!!

 

[agnes_therese]

There is a family who is expecting ‘another’ child and as we share tasks in parish life, I’ve had the misfortune of hearing negative comments, like “I’ve tried to explain to them how this keeps happening”

I’d be inclined to ask if the couple in question asked this person’s advice.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

There is a family who is expecting ‘another’ child and as we share tasks in parish life, I’ve had the misfortune of hearing negative comments, like “I’ve tried to explain to them how this keeps happening” meaning that they ‘have too many children’.

Both parents are very capable and intelligent, and believe in the teaching of the Church. Now that they’ve passed 3 children and are continuing to be open to children, this is challenging some parishoners’ ideas of what size family they should have. (like it’s any of their business) What kind of reply can I have ready for the next time I get caught in a conversation like that?

Isn’t it bad enough that they likely will get rude comments from family, friends, the workplace, etc without getting the unkind remarks from their own fellow Catholics? Instead of getting annoyed, which I am very tempted to do, I will try to approach this as an opportunity to evangelize. Help. And Thank You.

The last few times my wife was pregnant I tried to keep things non-confrontational but often ended up asking, “Aren’t you supposed to be Catholic?” Half the time it shut up the other person, the other times it got a little confrontational. When someone was less direct and said something like, “Don’t you know what causes that?” I’d answer, “Absolutely! That’s why she keeps getting pregnant.” I eventually got fed up with it and just told people it was rude and none of their business.

 

[Deana83]

My dad came from a large family- 18 brothers and sisters, and they weren’t even Catholic. My dad has told stories about how poor they were growing up and some of the comments that were made and most of those comments were made by adults! I can’t even imagine saying some mean spirited thing about someone and their lack of birth control especially when one of their children is within earshot. People can be so insensitive. Even though that generation had a rough start, most of the grandchildren have done quite well and almost all have gone to college. I figure it’s nobody’s business how many kids people have. I had a late in life unplanned pregnancy and people would say stupid things.

 

[heidi_storage]

The last few times my wife was pregnant I tried to keep things non-confrontational but often ended up asking, “Aren’t you supposed to be Catholic?” Half the time it shut up the other person, the other times it got a little confrontational. When someone was less direct and said something like, “Don’t you know what causes that?” I’d answer, “Absolutely! That’s why she keeps getting pregnant.” I eventually got fed up with it and just told people it was rude and none of their business.

Wow! People are really that rude? OK, I admit I will sometimes make private judgments about people (not about their family size), judgments that are none of my business and even sinful (“Wow, they’re kind of chunky–they should eat less/exercise more”) but I wouldn’t consider bringing these up with the people in question!

 

[JRKH]

There is a family who is expecting ‘another’ child and as we share tasks in parish life, I’ve had the misfortune of hearing negative comments, like “I’ve tried to explain to them how this keeps happening” meaning that they ‘have too many children’.

Both parents are very capable and intelligent, and believe in the teaching of the Church. Now that they’ve passed 3 children and are continuing to be open to children, this is challenging some parishoners’ ideas of what size family they should have. (like it’s any of their business) What kind of reply can I have ready for the next time I get caught in a conversation like that?

Isn’t it bad enough that they likely will get rude comments from family, friends, the workplace, etc without getting the unkind remarks from their own fellow Catholics? Instead of getting annoyed, which I am very tempted to do, I will try to approach this as an opportunity to evangelize. Help. And Thank You.

My suggestion is very simple - - - lighten up - - -

I’ve heard and even made such comments myself. I would even say it right to the person’s face.
I’ve never heard one made as anything other than a joke. I’ve never thought that there was any insinuation about family size or intelligence or anything else in the comment. It’s just a funny, lighthearted quip.

You say that the people are intelligent and capable. Can we assume that those making these comments ALSO know that they are capable and intelligent? If so, then it is unlikely that they are making such comments out of any malice. In short, they are likely not insinuating what you think they are.

Just some thoughts…

Peace
James

 

[EasterJoy]

My suggestion is very simple - - - lighten up - - -

I’ve heard and even made such comments myself. I would even say it right to the person’s face.
I’ve never heard one made as anything other than a joke. I’ve never thought that there was any insinuation about family size or intelligence or anything else in the comment. It’s just a funny, lighthearted quip.

You say that the people are intelligent and capable. Can we assume that those making these comments ALSO know that they are capable and intelligent? If so, then it is unlikely that they are making such comments out of any malice. In short, they are likely not insinuating what you think they are.

Just some thoughts…

Peace
James

Funny, though, how you don’t hear those jokes with the first one. The people who make comments like that may be intelligent and capable, but they aren’t very sensitive to the feelings of others.

We got the same thing with twins…“double trouble” and “Glad it’s me and not you”, as if these comments were very clever and original. They’d say this kind of thing right in front of the kids, too! Would you want to hear you’re trouble every time someone meets you? Have people tell your mother that they pity her? And this is from people who think they are clever and intelligent and “just being funny.” It would be a good thing if “intelligent” people would learn to think twice before telling a tired joke at someone else’s expense.

 

[MomaMary8]

I had a dear friend who was always quick with a “Isn’t she blessed!” or “siblings are such a gift!” or “isn’t she the perfect mom for a large family!” when ever she witnessed me enduring the tacky comments a pregnant woman can get. She just was always quick and ready with a positive comment to counter the negative, and it usually hushed the crude people quickly. Honestly, I think it bothered her more than it bothered me. She was from a large family, had siblings with large families and she suffered infertility and was blessed with 3 children through adoption. We were a pro-life power-house when together! :thumbsup:

 

[pianistclare]

You might treat it like any other kind of gossip: “Funny, but they never have an unkind word to say about you behind* your* back…” or else “Quit messing around, you didn’t say any such thing! Who would say something like that? Do you think people wouldn’t? People do, you wouldn’t believe it!” (as if you think it preposterous that this person could actually mean what they just said) and then just change the subject. The family does not need applause, after all, even though they deserve it. They mostly just need other people to mind their own business and show some good manners.

The main thing is to speak in such a way that the family, and especially the children, could overhear you and feel good about what you said. Don’t defend them, as if anyone could even remotely think they’re in the wrong. On that account, you could say, “They have such beautiful children and they’re such good parents; why wouldn’t they be thrilled to have another? More power to them, I say!”

Absolutely agree. People like to hear themselves talk. If you appear shocked it sometimes snaps them out of their rudeness.
A person can say “ignore it” all they want, but after a time, presumptuous remarks hurt. Like when I was little I had one skinny sister say “well, if you and mama wouldn’t eat so much…” The reality was we all ate the same food on the same size plates in the same portions. But to this day, I still get embarrassed shopping for clothes.
I think if a person suddenly realizes how hurtful things are, (even if THEY think it’s funny) it goes a long way to correcting poor behavior.

 

[EasterJoy]

Funny, though, how you don’t hear those jokes with the first one. The people who make comments like that may be intelligent and capable, but they aren’t very sensitive to the feelings of others.

We got the same thing with twins…“double trouble” and “Glad it’s me and not you”, as if these comments were very clever and original. They’d say this kind of thing right in front of the kids, too! Would you want to hear you’re trouble every time someone meets you? Have people tell your mother that they pity her? And this is from people who think they are clever and intelligent and “just being funny.” It would be a good thing if “intelligent” people would learn to think twice before telling a tired joke at someone else’s expense.

Correction: They’d say “I’m glad it is you and not me.” They’d actually wrinkle their noses and say that, and then laugh as if what they had said were the most clever thing. Flippant jokes are not clever. Any idiot can make one.

 

[JRKH]

Funny, though, how you don’t hear those jokes with the first one.

Funny - I have.
Guess it just depends on the people involved.

The people who make comments like that may be intelligent and capable, but they aren’t very sensitive to the feelings of others.

You may well be right here. This type of joking should be limited to good friends who who know it’s a joke and are not going to take it the wrong way.

I agree with this.

And yes - it is a very tired sort of joke.

Peace
James

 

[Abundant]

I cannot believe that people in the parish would say this! Aren’t we supposed to see life and children as a blessing and more children as God’s reward?

I like the responses already given and I would try to use them all at once.

 

[PennyinCanada]

The people who make comments like that may be intelligent and capable, but they aren’t very sensitive to the feelings of others.

I said that the parents were capable and intelligent. lol
I didn’t extend that kindness to the busybodies.

 

[NSFrame]

I had a dear friend who was always quick with a “Isn’t she blessed!” or “siblings are such a gift!” or “isn’t she the perfect mom for a large family!” when ever she witnessed me enduring the tacky comments a pregnant woman can get. She just was always quick and ready with a positive comment to counter the negative, and it usually hushed the crude people quickly. Honestly, I think it bothered her more than it bothered me. She was from a large family, had siblings with large families and she suffered infertility and was blessed with 3 children through adoption. We were a pro-life power-house when together! :thumbsup:

I always respond that way too when I hear those jokes. I say “I think it’s wonderful!” and “She is such a lucky lady!”. Few people contradict me, but if they do, I stick to my guns. I have had fertility struggles (I would love to be pregnant with #2 but it isn’t happening) and I truly feel envious of those with large families.