How can I be happy about my friend's upcoming marriage?

[Kamaduck]

I am 16, and very much a teenager. My friend is 18, and I just learned that she is getting married, either this year or early next year. I want to be supportive- no, I want to be jubilant. Marriage is a happy thing, right?

But I feel like I’m in mourning. I know she is responsible and adaptable. Her parents know she is responsible and adaptable. Her entire family thinks she is making a valid decision, even a good one. She prayed about this for a long time, apparently, and she feels that God is leading her in this direction. I don’t really doubt that it’s the right decision, and if anyone can make a marriage work that young, it’s my friend. Even so, I feel very sad about it. Like I’m losing her, or she is losing herself. I guess I just think 18 is too young. I still think of us as children. I don’t want to be responsible yet. But that’s such a selfish thing to think, especially when my friend is going to do something so important and wonderful!

Does anybody have a way to help me be happy for her? Maybe help me see this in a new light? I’m going to see her tomorrow, and I want to be happy for her then.

 

[sojo]

I’m sorry sweet one, but nobody can “make” you feel anything. You are the only one who controls your own happiness.

I think your feelings right now are entirely normal, and many young people with older siblings or close friends experience the same thing. And you are mature enough to recognize that its your own feelings of losing a a tight relationship to the great unknown of what that relationship will become when you are still a young teen and your friend a bride.

All I can tell you is to “fake it till you make it.” Put on a happy face for your friend, and don’t weigh her down with your sadness. You can share with her that you are just a tad worried about being left behind or will become lonely after she is married. But for the most part, if you love your friend, and you think her fiance is a fine young man, then you really don’t want to rain on her parade.

And pray, pray, pray for your friend and her husband to be.

 

[robwar]

Now a days, 18 seem too young but without knowing her, the fiance and families it is too hard to judge or know. You are 16 and still can have a wide range of emotions. Sometimes, one’s sadness or lack of happiness can hide jeolosy. I’m not saying that you are but this came to mind reading your post. I think the best thing for you is: 1. not worry whether you are happy for her or not because emotions can change over time. 2. stop thinking that if she marries, you will lose her as a friend. Realize that HS friends somewhat scatter after HS anyway. If you both went to different colleges, the same thing can happen. 3. stop worrying about this decision since it belongs more to the parents. 4. whether you are “happy” or not, just tell your friend that you are praying for her and offer your support in prayer whether you are happy for her or agree with the decision.

 

[Kamaduck]

I’m sorry sweet one, but nobody can “make” you feel anything. You are the only one who controls your own happiness.

I was worried that would be the case.

I think your feelings right now are entirely normal, and many young people with older siblings or close friends experience the same thing. And you are mature enough to recognize that its your own feelings of losing a a tight relationship to the great unknown of what that relationship will become when you are still a young teen and your friend a bride.

All I can tell you is to “fake it till you make it.” Put on a happy face for your friend, and don’t weigh her down with your sadness. You can share with her that you are just a tad worried about being left behind or will become lonely after she is married. But for the most part, if you love your friend, and you think her fiance is a fine young man, then you really don’t want to rain on her parade.

Yes, this makes sense. I trust her, so I will try to remind myself of what a great wife and mom she will be. I know she will be very good at whatever she does.

And pray, pray, pray for your friend and her husband to be.

Will do. Thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can support her without agreeing with her. You can say, “Sarah, I’m not saying you’re wrong, because I know there are people married 60 years who got married as young as you, and everyone said they were too young, and they proved them wrong. But I also know that no one marries at 18 thinking that it is the wrong thing to do, but that a lot more 18 year olds fail to make their marriages work. I can’t help but be worried about you and John, because I love you both and I want you to be married as well as possible, not as soon as possible.”

This isn’t about whether or not you are ready to marry, so you can let go of that. My cousin married a lot younger than I did, and she was ready. It freaked me out a little bit at the time, but she was ready, and it said nothing about me, good or bad, that I wasn’t. She’s still married, and I got married later and I’m still married, and we both married at the time that was right for us.

As for your friendship, your friend would do well to plan scheduled time with you and her other girlfriends, maybe on the night or afternoon that her husband makes it a point to spend time with his own male relatives or friends. This is what people used to do when they all married young; that is, they had a big support system of same-sex friends and relatives to round out their lives. Or they could do things as a couple with other couples their age who are doing things as couples. Help her and her husband to keep getting out when their children come along. When yours come along, let us hope that this couple will be old hands at the whole business, and will be there for you. You’ll be a great friend to their marriage and to their family, and helping them to have a great marriage and a great life is a lot more important than being thrilled that they married so young.

 

[crystal_waters]

All you can do is be supportive, your friend is an adult at 18, she wants and feels ready to marry and her family support her, its her life and her decision

 

[Sillara]

My younger sister got married at 19.

It was 1999 then, so it’s not like it was that long ago, either.

She is happily married and has four children.

Just because YOU are still “very much a teenager” does not mean that your friend is. You should definitely try to be happy for her.

 

[Matt90]

Often we will see those we care about make decisions that confuse us, or that we do not necessarily agree with, or even make decisions that we straight up think is incorrect. However, it can be a little misleading to place ourselves in the position of another, because we are not that person, and so we do not know what is best for them.

My sister was recently very close to entering with a contemplative order of nuns. This lifestyle is one which is, in my opinion, as beautiful, and selfless a life as a person can lead. Despite this, I felt something similar to that which you stated feeling - a selfish sense of mourning, that I would be losing my sister, or that in her early twenties, it was a decision too “heavy” or “responsible” for her years (I thought all of this despite the fact that I am two years my sister’s junior ).

At the start of the year, one of my closest friends about the same age as me (now 22) was married to her boyfriend of several years. They were high school sweethearts, knew each other extremely well, and yet I still felt that they were too young etc. etc.!

My advice would be (based on my own personal experience) - firstly to pray. Pray for your friend, that she makes her decision for the right reasons and fully appreciates the responsibilities of marriage. Pray for the marriage too! And pray for yourself too that you may support her with honesty and a kind heart. You may find that as happy as she no doubt is to be getting married, she too will be anxious about this big step forward in her life.

Finally, in terms of making you happy, as someone earlier stated, that is something which is in a large part up to you. But by praying, and by being open and honest (to the extent suggested by sojo) and fully supportive of your friend and her marriage I am sure that things will work out as intended (as they always do)

All the best and God Bless
Matt

 

[Kamaduck]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I’m still not able to be happy about what this means for me, but I’m able to appreciate her happiness. That’s really all I wanted. I know there are lots of people here with really serious problems, so thanks for taking a few minutes for this non-problem.

When I saw my friend this morning, I just told her what I thought- that she will be successful, she is responsible, and so I’m not worried. She said that meant a lot, so I guess it went OK.

I never really disagreed with her decision- I really do think she knows herself and will be OK. It was just kind of shocking at first. But now that I’ve thought about it a little more, I’m OK with it. I’m not really happy yet, but I’m not upset. I think that’s enough for now.

Thanks, everybody.