How can I be Mary, when he's not always Joseph?

[ecp007]

Why bother him? Just get a maid. For $40 / week, you can get someone else to do what neither of you want to do. Leaving more time, and good mood to have a great marriage. Your marriage is worth the investment!

 

[Ana]

Running a household (esp. when the kids come) is a full time job. So, as at stands, he is working a fulltime job, while you are trying top manage a full time and a part time job. Is it feasible for you to quit and devote yourself full time to the management of the home?

That is what I did and things really fell into place. Funny thing is, hubby helps MORE now that I don’t work outside the home, than when he did.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

I just remembered an episode that occurred a couple of years ago. I was taking out the trash–a task I despise. It is “suppose” to be my husband’s job. I was complaining to Jesus, saying in my head “Jesus, I should not be doing this for him (my husband)!”

Then a distinctive voice came into my head, “Yes, but would you do it for me?”

“Of course, I would do it for you, Jesus!”

I was so happy to take out the trash for Jesus. I forget this all the time when I am doing chores, esp. ones I hate to do. I am going to do everything today for Jesus.

And, thanks to you Holy Spirit and my guardian angel for reminding me! :clapping:

 

[captaincatholic]

Maybe this is just me, but I know that my DH has been helping around the house more since I actually NEED the help, being 7 months pregnant and tired. It’s pretty obvious when the dishes pile up after 2 days, and the laundry stays in the baskets for a day or 2 before getting folded. Speaking of-- I need to get off here in a few minutes and put a few loads through!

I grew up in a house with a great SAHM and 4 of the 5 oldest children (of 12) were girls, so the chores were never really a problem or a responsibility for the men. As a result, I have these preconceived notions about the wife doing all the household tasks since he has the full time job outside of the home. I currently work part-time outside of the home, but am in the process of changing over to working from home. It will help alot, but I know that my need for help around the house will greatly increase when our little one is born. DH is more than willing to help with laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. by his own admission now, so I think things will go alright. It;s just a matter of seeing a need of help, rather than thinking that I can handle it all because I have been up until this point.

I guess the whole point of this post is, let your DH know that you NEED and appreciate his help. If he knows this, he will probably be much more willing to give you a hand and stay off the computer for a while. Maybe you could even put a time limit on the helping part…“Honey, would you mind giving me a hand getting these dishes done? It should only take about 15 to 20 minutes, then we can go back to our fun time.”

 

[adv]

I have learned over the last 13 years of marriage that it helps to appreciate my DH for anything he does. I tell him thank you for taking out the trash, or thank you for cooking dinner, or thank you for going to the store. I tell him he is my hero because he changes the babies diaper. Lots of thank yous even if its his job to do something. Lots of praises. Then when I want something, someone told me to ask like this “would you or** will** you do this for me?” and not “could you or *can *you do this for me?” Could and Can is more like ordering him to do something and not asking him do something.

It took practice but it works. I also had to learn to accept “no” as answer and let it be. Most importantly don’t criticize what he does for you, even if its not the way you would like it.

Good Luck

 

[SueKrum]

gardenswithkids:

Okay ladies, you may not like my advice, but since SueKrum asked for advice here’s mine: I notice that when you describe “household chores” nowhere do you list things like snowplowing the driveway, maintaining the cars, cleaning the garage, repairing and installing various gagets around the house, etc. Those are things that qualify as household chores too.

If your husband does nothing to contribute to the wellfare of your home except work and play computer, it’s a problem. But if he just doesn’t want to vacuume because he doesn’t think the house need vacuuming or something like that, give him a break. You say he works full time and you work part time. You might find more happiness in your marriage if you did some of the mundane housecleaning during your time off while he’s at work instead of nagging him on his day off.

Okay, I’m off my soapbox. Some of my friends used to get mad when I failed to sympathize with them on this issue, and I expect some of you will as well. But I can honestly say that I have a much happier marriage than they did, even if my carpets weren’t as clean. (Oh, and today our son did the vacuuming, so that problem is solved.)

I understand what you are saying, but we live in an apartment, so the complex employees take care of the “yeard” and “driveway” aka parkinglot. also, we live in FL, so no snow. thank GOD! I do try and do most of the chores when I’m here alone, but it’s hard, when my shift is from 11-6. kinda puts a dent in getting a lot done besides the cooking and cleaning up afterwards and making his lunch and stuff like that. if we had a house, I would totally aggree with you. I wouldn’t dare ask him to vacume if he had just com en from mowning the lawn.

 

[Homebrew_roots]

Throw the computer out the window…I am wholly convinced that video games were birthed in the depths of hell. Kind of odd that i would say that cause im only 20 and most dudes my age love those stupid things but i find better things to do. but then again i suppose that me being at the skatepark for hours is just as bad as other kids being on the computer for hours…but seriously: throw the computer out the window.

 

[cargopilot]

Ana:

Running a household (esp. when the kids come) is a full time job…

Ana, you’re so right. Running the home IS, in and of itself, a full time++ job. No wife should be asked to perform all those duties AND work a job.

If she really wants to work a job, well, fine, but if she HAS to work a job, then the husband isn’t doing HIS job and/or the couple is living beyond their means. I may be wrong, but I’m convinced that if the wife has to work, not only is she too tired from over work to do anything well, but the husband, at least subconsciously, will feel inadequate.

I wonder if Joseph would have wanted Mary, the Mother of God, to punch the clock, somewhere?

 

[Cupofkindness]

JMJ Theresa:

Your post brought tears to my eyes due to the shear truth of the message. All things for Jesus. Thank you.

 

[Katie1723]

I agree about sharing responsibilities. But then I got to thinking…you are 25…you work part time …and in your first post you said you “don’t have the energy”. What happens when kids are in the mix?? Other posters have offered excellent advice, such as doing chores when you are off and he is at work. At 25, energy should not be as much as issue as at 52 with a full time job, 2 kids, 3 grandkids and a house ,not an apartment. As far as the hours you work, I worked 3-11 most of the time.Now I work 10a-6:30p. Yes it cuts into my day, but I do it.

Many of us on here work long hours…with kids…AND do all if not most of the house work. You are 25. I remember when I was 25. It was easy then.
~ Kathy ~

 

[Al_Masetti]

You have discovered the essential differences between the male species and the female species:

1. Men do NOT separate laundry. I’ve been married for 34 years. Still do not see the need to separate laundry. Black socks and white underwear go just fine together.

I’m not referring to “REAL MEN”. I simply mean that the issue of separating laundry is just not on the male psyche or radar horizon.

I think it has to do with MAXIMIZING the amount of clothes per load. I squeeze as much stuff in the machine as possible to save water and soap. Did this for seven years of bachelorhood and it worked out just fine.

2), 3), 4), Ditto.

ON THE OTHER HAND, most men can tell you EXACTLY how many miles they have allowed to lapse between oil changes for each and every car they have owned, for EACH AND EVERY OIL CHANGE, since the age of 17. And what the warrantee implications are for each. AND what constitutes “hard driving”. And why one grade of oil is better than another and under what ambient temperature conditions. How many women do this (or even care about car engine oil)? How often do women raise the hood, get a rag and check the oil level? [It is an icky job, but my daughter does it.]

I think it’s in the “hard wiring”.

Or in the cultural conditioning.

None of this is evil, or malicious, or immoral or unethical, or even serious, or for that matter, marriage-threatening. It’s just different. After a few decades of marriage, husbands and wives learn to make allowances and divide up the labor based on strengths and interests.

There are tons of pop-psych books on these elemental differences between men and women.

And there are exceptions (“crossover behavior” ?]): my wife was having coffee with a neighbor…neighbor lady was complaining … she could’t get husband to put up a shelf… my wife asked… do you have the shelf and the hardware? where’s your husband’s tools. My wife found the stuff, measured, leveled, drilled, put in the little plastic thingees, put up the brackets, and then the shelf. Done. No mess. Five minutes. Neighbor lady was SHOCKED, shocked…

'Nuther case… we were fooling around with a garden path … trying to use mortar and bricks, differences in heights and such. Wife discovered she LOVES to do cement work. So I mixed the cement and wife SCULPTED this gorgeous (and very functional and functioning) path that also funnels rain water away from the house. No straight lines, all curves. A different neighbor lady came over and reprimanded my wife … WOMEN DON’T DO THAT… [shock!]… My wife LIKED doing that. Neighbor lady was actually YOUNGER.

I love St. Joseph… I empathize with him. I took his name when I was confirmed. Keep in mind that when St. Joseph came down to breakfast in the morning, he was greeted by the TWO PEFECT PEOPLE in the whole world.

 

[SueKrum]

Katie 1723 Yes, i realize that for a 25 year old, I am less energetic than others. this is probably due to the fact of the type of jobs I have held. I am visually impaired, so a lot of “sitting” jobs are out of the question because I can’t deal with paper work. I also did not finish college (very long story that has nothing to do with this post) so a lot of administration posts are also out of reach. so I am stuck with a lot of blue collor type work and some of the jobs I have had, women don’t usualy do for very long because it is so taxing. it took a lot of storugle to get my boss to let me be a cashier. I was a bagger for along time which was both exhausting and humiliating for a 20+ woman. they were affraid I wouldn’t be able to see well enough to do the job, but I can. but I am on my feet all day long. I walk both ways to my job. I lift a lot of heavy things and when I get home, yes I am tired. I realize that there are women out there who do WAY more than I do. and God bless them for it. but there are men out there also who do way more than my husband does. all I was asking for was some advice on how to be more loving when I need his assistance, not a judgment on my physical strength. I didn’t want to share my physical problems because they have little to do with asking for help and I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. but, I have the begenining stages of arthorites in my knees and hands. or something like that. it runs in the family. I also sturggle with some back pain. yes, it would be nice if I could quit my job right now, but the realatity is that I cannot. I will quit when we have a child, if we can have one. I am taking some stpes to better my health, but it’s a slow process in reversing the dammage I did to my body as a younger person.

I appriciate all the advice. Al,I totally know what you are saying, I’ve never been behind the wheel of a car and wouldn’t know what to do under the hood although I like foot ball. is that a crossover?

I will pray on these things. thanks for your advice.

 

[Al_Masetti]

For a woman to like football is a wonderful and rare situation. Your husband should treasure you!!

[My daughter is kind of like that also… she has a closet full of team jerseys and when she watches sports on TV she dresses for the team she is rooting for!!!] Her knees are messed up, but for years she played league sports at work. Her car trunk used to be full of bats, gloves, and other sports stuff. Once when they didn’t have enough players, they drafted me! * When I hit the ball, the whole team was lining the base line cheering me on…

Run, Dad, Run. Go, Dad, Go! I was laughing so hard, holding my chest (to avoid losing the pens from my pocket protector, and trying not to spill my beer, that I got tagged out!

I guess you had to be there!!]*

 

[Josephene]

Is it that DH need some help in helping to love and value what you are doing that he can be grateful…

Woman after all are the helpmate for the man …

Seem in the situation of the computer loving DH, he might need real help in the way of both of you sitting down and figuring out how much those chores are worth if you had to call a maid …
Have heard how in special ed, some children have to be given help by way of concrete methods …there are many persons out there that probably need help for similarly related situations …
as long as Dw can do it in a respectful way , with the intent of helping him to be who he is to be…

And you can have fun dreaming of getting the the joy of giving charitable donations …or once in a while even using extra services - having seen some autistic children who are so set of their ways , sometimes with real stubborn persons you have to wonder …

True , The Lordship of Jesus would make real diffrenece …and we of faith can call on His Power , to renew …, every instant!

 

[SemperJase]

SueKrum:

he, on the other hand, would rather play on the computer. he says, “it’s my off day” when I ask him for help. this week, he was off for three days in a row. we were both off on monday wich was his third day off and I wanted to do laundry, clean the kitchen and bathrroms and vacume. I asked him to vacume and he said, “yeah I’ll get it” (my least favorite thing to come out of his mouth) and he proceded to play his computer game some more. I continue cleaning and he stays on the computer.

It seems your husband has a computer addiction. Not only is he neglecting work that needs to be done, he is neglecting you.

I struggled with this for a while. I love computer and video games. I had to give them up. They suck up all your time.

 

[netmilsmom]

SueKrum:

My hubby and I have been married for 8 months now. I would say, that the honeymoon is comming to an end and we’ve gotten very comfortable in our roles, for the most part. I am struggling with something, though and would like some advice.

we both work. he works full time and I work part time. Most of the house chores are my responsability. sometimes, we are off on the same day and on these days, I would like his help with some of the chores. he, on the other hand, would rather play on the computer. he says, “it’s my off day” when I ask him for help. this week, he was off for three days in a row. we were both off on monday wich was his third day off and I wanted to do laundry, clean the kitchen and bathrroms and vacume. I asked him to vacume and he said, “yeah I’ll get it” (my least favorite thing to come out of his mouth) and he proceded to play his computer game some more. I continue cleaning and he stays on the computer. finally, I got so mad that I grabbed the vacume and did it myself because he would not budge. this is something that happens often when we have an off day together. and he gets mad at me for “Nagging”. he appriciates a clean home, but I don’t have the energy to do it all myself.

my question is, how can I better approach him and be more loving? I get so mad. are there any ladies on here who have trouble getting their hubbies to help around the house? how do you deal with it?

I know there are some things men will never do. he won’t touch the bathroom. that’s my job. the trash is his job. he’s not allowed to do laundry because he puts everything in together without seperating it. but we try and split the other chores. but it’s like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to work. should I just give up now and do it all myself? or is there a way I can become less of a nag and encourage him to help me in a possitive way?
sorry for the long post, I rant sometimes

Throw the breaker on the computer room.

My hubby is geek #1.
I don’t expect much from him.

However, may I make a suggestion? Praise him when he does something. It goes much farther than the nagging. Remember he is working FULL time. House work at this point SHOULD be 75% on you.

In my homeschooling house, my hubby is expect to mow the lawn with a riding mower. NOTHING else. I even weedwack, cut bushes and rake leaves. There is no reason why this should be 50/50 and to your standards only. If he is on computer games and ignoring you, go OUT! Go to the Library, to the movies, get with your friends! One of the biggest mistakes I see is women who think that men should be joined at the hip to their hubbies and never want to let them have down time.

(Also, let him do his own laundry! If he ends up with pink underwear, that’s fine)

 

[legeorge]

We still struggle with this occasionally. I find that a humorous approach works well with my husband. One time, I got so sick of picking his underwear off the floor in the bathroom, I started hanging it places: the mirror, the door handle, etc. He got so mortified when the kids saw his underwear, he got the message and started depositing them in the hamper. Chalk one up for Mama!

When I realized that no matter how much I worked outside the house, I would still have to do everything at home, I quit trying to work and stayed home with the kids. He had to get a second job to make ends meet and now our work loads are closer to equal. I did put my foot down on the lawn though. We have an acre and a half, and with little ones, it was increasingly hard for me to go out and get the lawn mowed. I just quit doing it. I didn’t nag or complain, I just stopped. My husband always has weekends off, and if he doesn’t want to live in a jungle, he has to do it himself. I noticed that as soon as I quit doing everything, he started kicking in. Now he’s learning how to work on the cars, and fix things around the house. I am starting to get the jist of this husband thing after @ 9 years! And he is much happier too. I think it makes him feel manly and macho to take care of certain things around the house. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight! You’ll figure it out. Every man is different, and after several years of marriage, you will iron out these little things. Promise.