How Can I Encourage My Husband to Come Home from Work on Time?

[pensmama87]

My husband works in the public sector at a fairly high level. His hours are 8-4, although a few nights per month he also has public meetings he has to go to. He frequently comes home very late, and it drives me batty. He says that he has things he needs to do, but he’s actually just incredibly poor at managing his time and is not at all organized. I never know what time he will come home, and he will often call and tell me “I’m leaving now but I have to do this and this and this for work on my way home.” The later time also means he gets stuck in the worst part of rush hour, so his commute home is longer.

I know that his work is his responsibility, but when I express frustration over the constant lateness he tells me he is worried about losing his job so he “has to” work late all of the time. IMO, it would be a lot better if he learned to manage his time more effectively. For starters, he could arrive at work on time (he sleeps in almost every single day, which doesn’t seem to coincide at all with the belief that one’s job is possibly at stake), and there’s a lot of things he could do during his workday to make things go a lot faster (blocking things during certain parts of the day, for instance, including setting aside a specific time to respond to messages since he takes calls from the public). He could also not use social media for personal reasons during work time (I told him do it during lunch, but he “doesn’t take a lunch.”) His office is also a complete disaster area (a few years ago I actually cleaned it all for him on a day that he was the only one in the office so he could “start fresh,” but that didn’t last long.)

I think what gets me about it is that he feels like it’s just the demands of his job, which I agree are high, but I feel like he’s getting in his own way. He’s also felt this way at pretty much every job he’s ever had, and while he’s looking for something else (primarily for higher salary), these are problems he’s had everywhere he’s worked (although he’s pretty much also been regarded as a stellar employee everywhere - so his natural talents do make up quite a lot for the organizational and tardiness issues). Because of the public nature of his job, I have a pretty good idea of how his job is going without him or anyone else needing to tell me. The information (and public opinion about him) is easily accessible.

I have tried hard to make our house a pleasant place for him to come home to (have dinner started, house mostly picked up by the time he gets home, don’t complain as soon as he walks in the door or actually much at all) but it’s really difficult when I not only cook, clean, and care for our children but care for 2 or 3 additional children every day for extra income. Still, I know I am doing a lot better now about that than I was a year or so ago.

Is there anything else I can do, or is the ball pretty much in his court?

 

[Lorelei12]

We struggle with this too. In my case I don’t think it’s that my husband is disorganized, but that he just takes on too much- and because of his willingness to do it, they just give him more. When I get upset, he also tells me that he is afraid of losing his job. I do believe that is a very real fear of his, and probably of a lot of men who see themselves as the provider, even if their wives are working for pay as well. I try very hard to be understanding, especially because he does make more than I do and we also need his health insurance.

One thing that has had moderate success with us has been setting aside certain nights per week that he promises to be home on time, while also setting aside at least one night per week that he is “allowed” to work late. Occasionally he gets stuck on projects that make this hard to work out, but most of the time he tries to stick to it. The night (sometimes nights) that he works late, I make myself something for dinner that he wouldn’t like but that I would enjoy, and try to enjoy myself. (This arrangement may be a little less appealing to me when our baby arrives, I imagine…) I am not sure if the nature of your husband’s job would make something like this feasible, but it might be worth a try if you think it would work- setting a schedule where he can stay late one or two designated nights per week and you won’t question it or get upset, but the other nights he promises to be home at a decent time.

 

[mommamaree]

Okay, I like you a lot, pensmama, so I am going to be totally honest with you, and I hope you will take it in a sisterly way as it is intended.

It sounds like you are making everything TOO easy on your husband. You handle everything, cooking and cleaning and childcare. You make it all look so easy and well-handled that your husband has the luxury of saying to himself “I am a smart guy for marrying such a capable woman. She is so capable that she can do it all herself. It doesn’t matter that I am not often home, because she’s got it covered.”

Your husband has no incentive to make more of an effort because you already make it all so perfect and easy for him. My husband was like this when we only had two children, and even made some disparaging remarks about how easy my job is and it really hurt. Well…Then we converted and he wised up to his proper role to cherish his wife and father his children, and we got preggo with baby number three, and he transformed from this oblivious, self-centered man to the best husband I could ever hope for. But I had to put down my “perfect wife and mother” role and just be my honest, vulnerable, imperfect self.

So I would advise you to stop trying so hard to make his evenings perfect. Start asking and expecting his help and his greater involvement. If he balks, which he is likely to do, it might be time for some serious heart-to-heart talks. You are never going to get what you need from him if you don’t insist that he step up and help you and be around more.

Okay, I have said my peace. I hope it works out for you. I think this is a common problem in many marriages. It is easier for a wife and mother to adapt to her new roles and responsibilities, because they literally begin within her own body. For husbands and fathers, the process can be delayed and more difficult, especially when their wives appear to handle everything so gracefully. Then they have no clue just how hard it all is!

 

[Xantippe]

We struggle with this too. In my case I don’t think it’s that my husband is disorganized, but that he just takes on too much- and because of his willingness to do it, they just give him more. When I get upset, he also tells me that he is afraid of losing his job. I do believe that is a very real fear of his, and probably of a lot of men who see themselves as the provider, even if their wives are working for pay as well. I try very hard to be understanding, especially because he does make more than I do and we also need his health insurance.

One thing that has had moderate success with us has been setting aside certain nights per week that he promises to be home on time, while also setting aside at least one night per week that he is “allowed” to work late. Occasionally he gets stuck on projects that make this hard to work out, but most of the time he tries to stick to it. The night (sometimes nights) that he works late, I make myself something for dinner that he wouldn’t like but that I would enjoy, and try to enjoy myself. (This arrangement may be a little less appealing to me when our baby arrives, I imagine…) I am not sure if the nature of your husband’s job would make something like this feasible, but it might be worth a try if you think it would work- setting a schedule where he can stay late one or two designated nights per week and you won’t question it or get upset, but the other nights he promises to be home at a decent time.

That sounds good.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

This prayer sometimes helps:
God grant me the Serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the one I can
And the Wisdom to know that one is me.

His coming home from work late is only a symptom, not the problem. He’ll need to have a motivation to change from within rather than from outside. Sometimes though a marriage conference can help. The Family Life “Weekend to Remember” are pretty good. They are Christian based and always have top notch speakers. Some well known, some on their way.

My wife and I both came from Fatherless homes and knew we would need to learn how to build a successful marriage if we were to stay together. We went to 3 of these in our first 4 years of marriage. It helped build the foundation of a great relationship that has been going strong for 16+ years.

 

[pensmama87]

This prayer sometimes helps:
God grant me the Serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the one I can
And the Wisdom to know that one is me.

His coming home from work late is only a symptom, not the problem. He’ll need to have a motivation to change from within rather than from outside. Sometimes though a marriage conference can help. The Family Life “Weekend to Remember” are pretty good. They are Christian based and always have top notch speakers. Some well known, some on their way.

My wife and I both came from Fatherless homes and knew we would need to learn how to build a successful marriage if we were to stay together. We went to 3 of these in our first 4 years of marriage. It helped build the foundation of a great relationship that has been going strong for 16+ years.

I don’t have a ton of time to respond but I did want to say quickly that while both of us came from “intact” homes, neither of our dads were around or helped out much around the house at all (his dad did shift work and hard labor so he was exhausted all of the time, my dad has some…interesting…ideas about the roles of men and women.) My FIL now does a lot of housework (he took over a lot of it when he retired because my MIL was still working, as she did while my husband was growing up) and he remarked once that he was surprised there was so much involved!

It’s great that my FIL came around, but I’m not willing to wait 30 years.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Okay, I like you a lot, pensmama, so I am going to be totally honest with you, and I hope you will take it in a sisterly way as it is intended.

It sounds like you are making everything TOO easy on your husband. You handle everything, cooking and cleaning and childcare. You make it all look so easy and well-handled that your husband has the luxury of saying to himself “I am a smart guy for marrying such a capable woman. She is so capable that she can do it all herself. It doesn’t matter that I am not often home, because she’s got it covered.”

You’re making him out to sound very lazy, when that doesn’t seem to jive with OP’s description. Sure, I guess he could get to work earlier, but it’s not like the guy is blowing off his responsibilities at home to play poker with the guys every night.

Being a homemaker isn’t always easy, you’re 100% right. Neither is working outside of the home, though.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Make a regular appointment (ie yoga, volunteering, job) tell husband start time is half an hour before actual time … After 21 appointments (time it takes to train people to a new routine) request this of another day.

 

[mommamaree]

You’re making him out to sound very lazy, when that doesn’t seem to jive with OP’s description. Sure, I guess he could get to work earlier, but it’s not like the guy is blowing off his responsibilities at home to play poker with the guys every night.

Being a homemaker isn’t always easy, you’re 100% right. Neither is working outside of the home, though.

I am not making him out to sound like anything. I am saying that pensmama is not giving him any reason to be more involved or active at home. I made no remarks about his character.

You know, I am very frustrated by your mischaracterization of my post here. Why in the world would one person saying to another “you are trying too hard to do too much and you need to show your vulnerability and express your needs so he can understand them” be interpreted as calling the husband very lazy??



And for the record, my husband has always been a hard worker, too, in a demanding profession. He was constantly worried about losing his job, too, so he put in a lot of time and gave his all. And guess what, they used him up and then he still got laid off, the week after he had put in some serious overtime to complete a major project for them. Their reason? Because he had a wife and family at home and they knew he wouldn’t move out of country, and they wanted to reduce their staff to only mobile, unattached men. So my husband and the other married man were both laid off. So that was another thing that contributed to my husband waking up to his need to be involved and present at home. His family is loyal and we love him, but his employer will always just use him until they find it no longer convenient. He became a bit of a mercenary after that, with respect to work, but also began to prioritize family life more as each year passed.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I am not making him out to sound like anything. I am saying that pensmama is not giving him any reason to be more involved or active at home. I made no remarks about his character.

You know, I am very frustrated by your mischaracterization of my post here. Why in the world would one person saying to another “you are trying too hard to do too much and you need to show your vulnerability and express your needs so he can understand them” be interpreted as calling the husband very lazy??

Because you said:

It sounds like you are making everything TOO easy on your husband.

He’s got it “TOO easy” sounds an awful lot like saying that he’s not working hard enough, doesn’t it? Whereas, she’s contributing much more to the family than she needs to, right?

We’re also apparently treating this guy like Pavlov’s dogs now:
GigglyGiraffe:

After 21 appointments (**time it takes to train people **to a new routine) request this of another day.

…which is not to mention the detailed breakdown of how he can do his job better in every way if only he could think straight.

Maybe it’s just a fellow husband’s sensitivity, but I’m not going to read anything into the scenario that is less than generous about a man that I don’t know.

I certainly wouldn’t recommend approaching any marital disagreement by slacking on current labor divisions. I hope she’ll express her totally valid feelings and then reach a compromise that is acceptable for both parties.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh boy.

I love you Pensmama, but I can’t get behind you on this one. You know how your day is really stressful, complicated, and you have a lot of little things to do that you need to make sure are done? So does he. You know how you have your own routine, your own way of doing things, and little breaks for yourself built into your day so you don’t lose your mind? So does he. Honestly, I would be more than a little resentful if my husband didn’t like the hours I was working and tried to micromanage my workday down to when I’m allowed to use social media. And I would be humiliated if he decided to clean up my office (which is a disaster-but some people, myself included, prefer it that way). And there are definitely days where I choose to work late and take it a bit easier during the day.

It doesn’t sound like he’s coming home late at night all the time, or that he’s out partying with friends or other women. It just sounds like he has his day worked out, and getting home 30-60 minutes earlier just isn’t worth rushing through his day, getting up earlier, and cutting out his little “me time” breaks.

Maybe a compromise is in order? Maybe on his busiest day of the week, or during his busiest week of the month, you could cut him a break and let him handle things as he sees fit-no nagging? But the rest of the time he can get up 30 minutes earlier in the morning? You probably won’t win the social media or organization argument, but you might be able to get him out the door sooner.

 

[PolarGuy]

(Polar)guy here.

At the risk of getting jumped all over…

…if a wife with kids would like her hardworking husband to come home early, she could always:

1. Pick some day she knows he has no night meetings;
2. Make arrangements for some friend to watch their kids for 2 hours;
3. Call him at like 1pm and say "if you are home by 4:30 I will greet you at the door wearing (something he really likes); and
4. After he arrives home timely (and he should), and after you welcome him home (and you should) say “this can be repeated if you are home by 4:30 every day, when you least expect it.”

This falls under “care and feeding of husbands.” I happen to be quite serious. I suspect that a hardworking husband would LOVE this.

 

[porthos11]

My husband works in the public sector at a fairly high level. His hours are 8-4, although a few nights per month he also has public meetings he has to go to. He frequently comes home very late, and it drives me batty. He says that he has things he needs to do, but he’s actually just incredibly poor at managing his time and is not at all organized. I never know what time he will come home, and he will often call and tell me “I’m leaving now but I have to do this and this and this for work on my way home.” The later time also means he gets stuck in the worst part of rush hour, so his commute home is longer.

I know that his work is his responsibility, but when I express frustration over the constant lateness he tells me he is worried about losing his job so he “has to” work late all of the time. IMO, it would be a lot better if he learned to manage his time more effectively. For starters, he could arrive at work on time (he sleeps in almost every single day, which doesn’t seem to coincide at all with the belief that one’s job is possibly at stake), and there’s a lot of things he could do during his workday to make things go a lot faster (blocking things during certain parts of the day, for instance, including setting aside a specific time to respond to messages since he takes calls from the public). He could also not use social media for personal reasons during work time (I told him do it during lunch, but he “doesn’t take a lunch.”) His office is also a complete disaster area (a few years ago I actually cleaned it all for him on a day that he was the only one in the office so he could “start fresh,” but that didn’t last long.)

I think what gets me about it is that he feels like it’s just the demands of his job, which I agree are high, but I feel like he’s getting in his own way. He’s also felt this way at pretty much every job he’s ever had, and while he’s looking for something else (primarily for higher salary), these are problems he’s had everywhere he’s worked (although he’s pretty much also been regarded as a stellar employee everywhere - so his natural talents do make up quite a lot for the organizational and tardiness issues). Because of the public nature of his job, I have a pretty good idea of how his job is going without him or anyone else needing to tell me. The information (and public opinion about him) is easily accessible.

I have tried hard to make our house a pleasant place for him to come home to (have dinner started, house mostly picked up by the time he gets home, don’t complain as soon as he walks in the door or actually much at all) but it’s really difficult when I not only cook, clean, and care for our children but care for 2 or 3 additional children every day for extra income. Still, I know I am doing a lot better now about that than I was a year or so ago.

Is there anything else I can do, or is the ball pretty much in his court?

It looks like you’re putting your hand even in his workday, so while I don’t mean any offense and ask this in all honesty, since you want to know why your husband comes home late:

Are you a nag?

 

[cheezey]

(Polar)guy here.

At the risk of getting jumped all over…

…if a wife with kids would like her hardworking husband to come home early, she could always:

1. Pick some day she knows he has no night meetings;
2. Make arrangements for some friend to watch their kids for 2 hours;
3. Call him at like 1pm and say "if you are home by 4:30 I will greet you at the door wearing (something he really likes); and
4. After he arrives home timely (and he should), and after you welcome him home (and you should) say “this can be repeated if you are home by 4:30 every day, when you least expect it.”

This falls under “care and feeding of husbands.” I happen to be quite serious. I suspect that a hardworking husband would LOVE this.

:clapping:

I was about to simply say, Well, there is one way…

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I didn’t mean to start piling on pensmama. Sorry if it came off that way.

 

[on_the_hill]

My husband works in the public sector at a fairly high level. His hours are 8-4, although a few nights per month he also has public meetings he has to go to.

For a moment I got scared and thought you were my wife. I work 8-4 in a public sector job at a relatively high level. And I have evening meetings to attend a couple times a month.

It really comes down to time management, to daily self-management, etc.

This might sound ridiculous, but one of the things that has helped me get over my life-long self-management/time management issues is a pharmaceutical prescription. We’ll leave it at that.

Also, my wife is a very Type-A person. She keeps me in check, whether or not I want her to.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband works in the public sector at a fairly high level. His hours are 8-4, although a few nights per month he also has public meetings he has to go to. He frequently comes home very late, and it drives me batty. He says that he has things he needs to do, but he’s actually just incredibly poor at managing his time and is not at all organized. I never know what time he will come home, and he will often call and tell me “I’m leaving now but I have to do this and this and this for work on my way home.” The later time also means he gets stuck in the worst part of rush hour, so his commute home is longer.

I know that his work is his responsibility, but when I express frustration over the constant lateness he tells me he is worried about losing his job so he “has to” work late all of the time. IMO, it would be a lot better if he learned to manage his time more effectively. For starters, he could arrive at work on time (he sleeps in almost every single day, which doesn’t seem to coincide at all with the belief that one’s job is possibly at stake), and there’s a lot of things he could do during his workday to make things go a lot faster (blocking things during certain parts of the day, for instance, including setting aside a specific time to respond to messages since he takes calls from the public). He could also not use social media for personal reasons during work time (I told him do it during lunch, but he “doesn’t take a lunch.”) His office is also a complete disaster area (a few years ago I actually cleaned it all for him on a day that he was the only one in the office so he could “start fresh,” but that didn’t last long.)

I think what gets me about it is that he feels like it’s just the demands of his job, which I agree are high, but I feel like he’s getting in his own way. He’s also felt this way at pretty much every job he’s ever had, and while he’s looking for something else (primarily for higher salary), these are problems he’s had everywhere he’s worked (although he’s pretty much also been regarded as a stellar employee everywhere - so his natural talents do make up quite a lot for the organizational and tardiness issues). Because of the public nature of his job, I have a pretty good idea of how his job is going without him or anyone else needing to tell me. The information (and public opinion about him) is easily accessible.

I have tried hard to make our house a pleasant place for him to come home to (have dinner started, house mostly picked up by the time he gets home, don’t complain as soon as he walks in the door or actually much at all) but it’s really difficult when I not only cook, clean, and care for our children but care for 2 or 3 additional children every day for extra income. Still, I know I am doing a lot better now about that than I was a year or so ago.

Is there anything else I can do, or is the ball pretty much in his court?

The one thing that really worries me in your story is that he’s routinely going into work late. That’s the sort of thing that could get him fired, no matter how good he is and how productive he is working that schedule. There’s a lot of anti-night person prejudice in US culture and the assumption that coming in early is a sign of good organization, while staying late is a sign of immaturity and lack of organization.

I would push hard on the lateness issue and make it a priority. Fortunately, since he’s at home sleeping in then, you actually have the most leverage over him at that point. (And make sure he’s getting to bed early enough.)

Good luck!

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks all for the replies.

I will say that I am NOT a nag. What I fear is becoming one.

I have said very little regarding how he spends his time at work - just observed. He is overall poor with time management. He seems flustered and overworked and busy and I’m sure he would be no matter what because that’s the nature of the job he has, but it does get to me that there are things he could be doing to improve the situation, but he isn’t. Xantippe, like you mentioned, it really, really, really bugs me that he claims to be worried about losing his job but is still late almost every single day. That is the only thing I have really suggested he change. His bosses do not work in the office with him, so they don’t see that he comes in late, but the people he supervises see him come in late every day and I’m sure that doesn’t help their morale (plus, how does he know then that they’re coming in on time? What do his bosses ask them about him? )

The other thing I did (besides clean his office, which was not planned but happened because of a snowstorm when he was supposed to be driving me home from our in-laws after Christmas, so I went to work with him that day and I couldn’t stand seeing old junk mail piled several feet high on his desk) was buy him a rolodex when he complained about not finding contact information for people he had met - their business cards get left all over his office, the car, and at home, too. Some of the cards have made it in there.

The comment about social media I made one time. I don’t “police” his use, but I do notice that he posts several times throughout the day on his personal account (he does have an account for his job, too). I totally get needing a few minutes now and then to decompress (hello, my CAF habit ), but it is probably cutting into being productive.

I know it’s not my job to worry about his job, but when he tells me he’s worried he might get fired, and he’s the one doing the bulk of the providing for us, I feel like I should be trying to help him not get fired. I am very good at organization and efficiency; he is not, and while his creativity and charisma are really what help him excel at his job the other part needs to be there too (and the fact that it’s not do impede his strengths, too - if you’ve set yourself up to be constantly interrupted and distracted, you’re going to get less done.)

BEL: I get you on having your own way of doing things. But several things about the way he is doing things are not helping him. His office being a mess sends out a really bad message to the people he meets with in there (he does usually meet them elsewhere in the building now, which is good. But when he complains that he spent an hour looking for a paper that should have been easily accessed in a file, it’s hard - SO HARD - for me to hold my tongue on it!!! )

 

[pensmama87]

:clapping:

I was about to simply say, Well, there is one way…

I would love to do this, but it does not fit with my work schedule (I usually have my “extra” kids until 5 or 6.) I suspect that he might think that it’s no big deal since my work day isn’t over, either, but 4-5 kids 3 and under for 9-10 hours a day really makes a person crave adult companionship.

I have told him that if he could come home a bit earlier, we could eat dinner earlier, get the kids to bed earlier, and have the evenings more to ourselves (including innuendo ), but apparently that gratification is too far delayed for it to be enticing.

 

[pensmama87]

We struggle with this too. In my case I don’t think it’s that my husband is disorganized, but that he just takes on too much- and because of his willingness to do it, they just give him more. When I get upset, he also tells me that he is afraid of losing his job. I do believe that is a very real fear of his, and probably of a lot of men who see themselves as the provider, even if their wives are working for pay as well. I try very hard to be understanding, especially because he does make more than I do and we also need his health insurance.

One thing that has had moderate success with us has been setting aside certain nights per week that he promises to be home on time, while also setting aside at least one night per week that he is “allowed” to work late. Occasionally he gets stuck on projects that make this hard to work out, but most of the time he tries to stick to it. The night (sometimes nights) that he works late, I make myself something for dinner that he wouldn’t like but that I would enjoy, and try to enjoy myself. (This arrangement may be a little less appealing to me when our baby arrives, I imagine…) I am not sure if the nature of your husband’s job would make something like this feasible, but it might be worth a try if you think it would work- setting a schedule where he can stay late one or two designated nights per week and you won’t question it or get upset, but the other nights he promises to be home at a decent time.

I think, too, that he takes on too much and is afraid to tell his bosses no. But he can tell me “no.” That stings.

I like your idea about designating late days. Really, apart from scheduled meetings (the public ones he doesn’t schedule, but the rest of them he has a TON of flexibility over) he can arrange his day pretty much how he likes. He has actually been discussing changing the office hours to allow for one late day every week, with half-days on Friday (bonus for the public being that one weeknight the office is always open). If he could/would stick to that, I’d be over the moon.