How can I forgive my older sister

[MargaretofCortona]

I love my older sister the most and seek approval. Her opinions weigh heavily on me. I was recently in an emotionally abusive intimate relationship. He was never formally my boyfriend, it makes no sense why I stayed. Sexual activity is bonding and at that time I didn’t have too many friends, hobbies or much self esteem. I never thought I deserved respect because it was a casual relationship. I understand the gravity of my sin, no need to preach. What hurts me is that my sister disagrees with me that he was manipulative. She doesn’t even know him. I’ll be fair, she has the right to her own opinion. As my sister, I expected get not to play lawyer with me and technicalities with me when I’m telling her about this. I finally sought a therapist she too sees that this man was a manipulative, narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I just wish my sister would believe me. I don’t care what others may say. I told her he had been accused of rape, still argued with me that he probably didn’t do it. She never met him ever. She said I was telling a biased story. My younger sister has warned me my older sister disagrees with others to disagree. I love my sister but it is getting the point I don’t want share my personal life with her. If I tell her, I was raped, would she argue with me then? That’s what I expect from a lawyer, police, judge. I want at least the support of my family when such issues occur.

 

[Xantippe]

Your older sister needs to get a lot less information from you. Tell her stuff on a “need to know” basis from now on, until she demonstrates that she is trustworthy.

Don’t talk to her about this–talk to your counselor, your younger sister, or other people who will understand and have demonstrated compassion.

It will be easier to forgive your older sister when she’s not poking her fingers into your wounds.

Good luck!

 

[biancamichelle]

I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about your situation. Please know what you did was a step in the right direction! However, leave your sister to be. Why allow that negativity in your life when you’re doing your best to start new? I wouldn’t cut her out my life, but keep conversations short and sweet. Don’t tell her your personal business because clearly she isn’t going to support you.

 

[Trishie]

Dear Margaret, I think that some boundaries should exist even when it relates to family.
Your sister does not make her judgements on the basis of your personal experience, but from uninformed personal opinions rather than on facts, therefore she isn’t the best person for you to rely on for opinions in such matters.

There really isn’t much to gain to continue to seek sympathy and support when you have already moved on.
As (presumably) an adult now, you don’t need to postmortem on a situation already passed, and if it is your sister who is raising the question and keeping the conversation alive, then it’s better that you put an end to the discussion, say it’s in the past and you don’t wish to discuss it again.

It’s your experience and real to you, If she does not trust your experience and thinks differently, it may be her nature to do so, which doesn’t make her a good option to share your angst.
I hope you will kindly have a relationship that is appropriate to who you are, have coffee with her, go shopping with her, but not confide all of your thoughts and feelings, not expecting her to perceive and react to everything as you do. I have four sisters, and know how different sisters can be.

Make boundaries, kindly but firmly, but without offending, in other words, with as little comment or emotion as possible. In one sense it’s really none of your sister’s business, but as sisters you can share to whatever extent it is sensible to do so.

We might want to confide to close family relatives, but it isn’t always the fair thing, and it isn’t always advisable. We learn to assess who to confide in and to what degree. And you might want your sister’s understanding and approval, but you don’t have to prove anything. You know what you know and feel what you feel. Hopefully you can move on. If your sister won’t leave the matter alone and if she likes holding sway with her opinions, don’t allow her. Kindly end discussion, because if you don’t, you’re allowing her to act in a way that isn’t helpful to allow her to change her way of dealing with issues even if that is possible, which it may not be. That is, by continuing with the argument, upsetting yourself in the process you are affirming her tendency to judge without the facts.
But why feed it and allow her to lord her opinion over you and upset yourself?

I imagine you’ve been to Confession as first you need to heal your soul, as well as healing your mind and heart.
God bless you now, and in all your choices for your relationships and life.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I’m really sorry that you and your older sister have a stress-filled relationship.

I agree with what the others have to say.

Your situation happened to remind me of the relationship that I struggled with, regarding my own sister.

She had always been judgmental and critical of me, and I still kept wanting and kept trying for her love and approval, and I finally had to stop trying.

I had to learn that it just wasn’t going to be there for me.

 

[MargaretofCortona]

I had to learn that with my mother as well. My mother is from a different culture than American. Some of her opinions about gender, childrearing, and propriety can annoy me. I love her but I don’t expect to be particularly close with her for many reasons.

 

[MargaretofCortona]

Thank you and God bless you