How can I forgive myself?

[probablyoutside]

I am feeling very broken. I made very bad mistakes in the past several years. Fornication, sodomy with the same sex, masturbation, etc.
I recently had surgery to remove HPV-related warts from my an*s. Missed a couple weeks of college.
I’ve been to confession, I’ve started going to Mass again, but the guilt and shame is wearing me down.
The priest I confessed to at the big cathedral in my metro area said he would be able to give me spiritual direction since I seemed “confused”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take him up on that offer because I had to go back to college for the semester.
Before I knew I had this STD, I had made the decision to stop the homosexual behavior because I knew it was wrong on many levels. Then I discovered these warts and the anxiety, depression, shame and guilt have overcome me.

How can I learn to forgive myself and how can I recognize that God is still with me? I want His love and mercy and I want to be filled with the Spirit, but I feel damaged physically, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I have an expiration date, because there are some HPVs that cause cancer. The wart kind typically don’t, but who knows what other ones are lurking around me. HPV is also the most common STD/STI, with something like 80 million Americans living with it, most unknowingly. Well, I know I’m living with it, and it has taken such a toll on me.

 

[1ke]

God bless you, it can be difficult to hear God in contemporary culture. You have succeeded in turning things around.

I think you do need to find a Catholic counselor or priest to talk to. Perhaps you should contact Courage ministry since you are dealing with same sex attraction.

 

[probablyoutside]

How can I love myself after contracting this STI, most likely from a man. The symptoms might go away in a couple of years, but the virus is in me forever.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I knew the dangers and wrongs of any sexual behavior outside of marriage. I am so angry at myself. I cannot function with this level of shame and depression. It’s not healthy for me.

 

[1ke]

How can I love myself after contracting this STI, most likely from a man. The symptoms might go away in a couple of years, but the virus is in me forever.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I knew the dangers and wrongs of any sexual behavior outside of marriage. I am so angry at myself.

You can love yourself because God loves you. Nothing you can ever do changes that. We all make mistakes. Some of them have temporal and physical consequences for us. We learn to live with it. We move on. The intensity of the emotion and self-recrimination fades with time.

You need to get counseling from a holy priest if you currently believe yourself unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness. People come back from more heinous sins-- womenn who have killed their babies through abortion for example. They must overcome similar regret and self imposed guilt and shame. It isn’t easy, but you will come out stronger and filled with grace.

Don’t give up.

 

[probablyoutside]

You can love yourself because God loves you. Nothing you can ever do changes that. We all make mistakes. Some of them have temporal and physical consequences for us. We learn to live with it. We move on. The intensity of the emotion and self-recrimination fades with time.

You need to get counseling from a holy priest if you currently believe yourself unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness. People come back from more heinous sins-- womenn who have killed their babies through abortion for example. They must overcome similar regret and self imposed guilt and shame. It isn’t easy, but you will come out stronger and filled with grace.

Don’t give up.

It is so difficult. I am only 22. I feel like the life God has given me has been tainted. Regardless of my actions, I have always called on Him to help and guide me, but I still fell countless times.

I feel like my chance of getting to Heaven has been lowered, even though I confessed and truly want God’s grace and guidance. I want to know His presence.

I am seeing a therapist/counselor next week - she’ll probably have me confront my sexuality. It’s not the same as having the Church background. I’ll have to find a Catholic spiritual advisor to supplement this.

 

[1ke]

Please also reach out to Courage ministry.

 

[probablyoutside]

Please also reach out to Courage ministry.

I just emailed them. Not sure if they’ll get back to me on the weekend.

 

[josh987654321]

.

Extract from the book 'The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ' by Anne Catherine Emmerich:

The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ - [jesus-passion.com/THE_PASSION.htm#CHAPTER XIV](http://www.jesus-passion.com/THE_PASSION.htm#CHAPTER XIV)
(Roman Catholic Imprimatur & Nihil Obstat)
**
CHAPTER XIV

The Despair of Judas**

Whilst the Jews were conducting Jesus to Pilate, the traitor Judas walked about listening to the conversation of the crowd who followed, and his ears were struck by words such as these: ‘They are taking him before Pilate; the High Priests have condemned the Galilean to death; he will be crucified; they will accomplish his death; he has been already dreadfully ill-treated; his patience is wonderful; he answers not; his only words are that he is the Messiah, and that he will be seated at the right hand of God; they will crucify him on account of those words; had he not said them they could not have condemned him to death. The miscreant who sold him was one of his disciples, and had a short time before eaten the Paschal lamb with him; not for worlds would I have had to do with such an act; however guilty the Galilean may be, he has not at all events sold his friend for money; such an infamous character as this disciple is infinitely more deserving of death.’ Then, but too late, anguish, despair, and remorse took possession of the mind of Judas. Satan instantly prompted him to fly. He fled as if a thousand furies were at his heel, and the bag which was hanging at his side struck him as he ran, and propelled him as a spur from hell; but he took it into his hand to prevent its blows. He fled as fast as possible, but where did he fly? Not towards the crowd, that he might cast himself at the feet of Jesus, his merciful Saviour, implore his pardon, and beg to die with him,— not to confess his fault with true repentance before God, but to endeavour to unburden himself before the world of his crime, and of the price of his treachery. He ran like one beside himself into the Temple, where several members of the Council had gathered together after the judgment of Jesus. They looked at one another with astonishment; and then turned their haughty countenances, on which a smile of irony was visible, upon Judas. He with a frantic gesture tore the thirty pieces of silver from his side, and holding them forth with his right hand, exclaimed in accents of the most deep despair, ‘ Take back your silver—that silver with which you bribed me to betray this just man; take back your silver; release Jesus; our compact is at an end; I have sinned grievously, for I have betrayed innocent blood.’ The priests answered him in the most contemptuous manner, and, as if fearful of contaminating themselves by the contact of the reward of the traitor, would not touch the silver he tended, but replied, ‘What have we to do with thy sin? If thou thinkest to have sold innocent blood, it is thine own affair; we know what we have paid for, and we have judged him worthy of death. Thou hast thy money, say no more.’ They addressed these words to him in the abrupt tone in which men usually speak when anxious to get rid of a troublesome person, and instantly arose and walked away. These words filled Judas with such rage and despair that he became almost frantic: his hair stood on end on his head; he rent in two the bag which contained the thirty pieces of silver, cast them down in the Temple, and fled to the outskirts of the town.

175

I again beheld him rushing to and fro like a madman in the valley of Hinnom: Satan was by his side in a hideous form, whispering in his ear, to endeavour to drive him to despair, all the curses which the prophets had hurled upon this valley, where the Jews formerly sacrificed their children to idols.

It appeared as if all these maledictions were directed against him, as in these words, for instance: ‘ They shall go forth, and behold the carcases of those who have sinned against me, whose worm dieth not, and whose fire shall never be extinguished.’ Then the devil murmured in his ears, ‘Cain, where is thy brother Abel? What hast thou done?—his blood cries to me for vengeance: thou art cursed upon earth, a wanderer for ever.’ When he reached the torrent of Cedron, and saw Mount Olivet, he shuddered, turned away, and again the words vibrated in his ear, ‘Friend, whereto art thou come? Judas, dost thou betray the Son of Man with a kiss?’ Horror filled his soul, his head began to wander, and the arch fiend again whispered, ‘It was here that David crossed the Cedron when he fled from Absalom. Absalom put an end to his life by hanging himself. It was of thee that David spoke when he said: “And they repaid me evil for good; hatred for my love. May the devil stand at his right hand; when he is judged, may he go out condemned. May his days be few, and his bishopric let another take. May the iniquity of his father be remembered in the sight of the Lord; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out, because he remembered not to show mercy, but persecuted the poor man and the beggar and the broken in heart, to put him to death. And he loved cursing, and it shall come unto him. And he put on cursing like a garment, and it went in like water into his entrails, and like oil into his bones. May it be unto him like a garment which covereth him and like a girdle, with which he is girded continually.”’

Please continue to next post -

 

[josh987654321]

Continued:

Overcome by these terrible thoughts Judas rushed on, and reached the foot of the mountain. It was a dreary, desolate spot filled with rubbish and putrid remains; discordant sounds from the city reverberated in his ears, and Satan continually repeated, ‘They are now about to put him to death; thou hast sold him. Knowest thou not the words of the law, “He who sells a soul among his brethren, and receives the price of it, let him die the death”? Put an end to thy misery, wretched one; put an end to thy misery.’ Overcome by despair Judas tore off his girdle, and hung himself on a tree which grew in a crevice of the rock, and after death his body burst asunder, and his bowels were scattered around.
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

(Roman Catholic Imprimatur)

**2) After Judas handed Me over in the Garden of Olives, he wandered off and took flight, unable to stifle the cries of his conscience, which accused him of the most horrible sacrilege. When the news of My death sentence reached his ears, he gave in to the most terrible despair and hanged himself.

1. Who can possibly understand the intense pain in My Heart when I saw that soul cast himself into eternal damnation? He who had spent three years in the school of My Love learning My doctrine, receiving My teaching, and many times hearing My lips forgive the greatest sinners.
2. Judas! Why do you not come and throw yourself at My feet so that I may forgive you? If you do not dare to come near Me for fear of those who surround Me and so ardently abuse Me, at least look at Me and you will see how soon My eyes will fix on you.
3. Souls, who are entangled in the greatest sins… If at times you have lived wandering as fugitives because of your crimes, if the sins of which you are guilty have blinded you and hardened your hearts, if in the pursuit of some passion you have fallen into greater disorder, do not allow desperation to take possession of you when the accomplices to your sin abandon you and your soul realizes its guilt. As long as man has an instant of life, he still has time to appeal to My Mercy and implore forgiveness.
4. If you are young and the scandals of your past life have left you in a state of degradation before men, do not be afraid! Even though the world may despise you, treat you as wicked, insult and abandon you, be certain that your God does not want your soul to be fodder for the flames of hell. He wants you to dare to speak to Him, to direct your gaze and the sighs of your heart at Him, and you will soon see that His kind and paternal hand will lead you to the source of forgiveness and of life.
5. If out of malice you have perhaps spent a large part of your life in disorder and indifference, and now near eternity, desperation wants to blindfold your eyes, do not allow yourself to be deceived. There is still time for forgiveness. Listen carefully: if you have left but a second of life, take advantage of it because you could gain eternal life during that second.
6. If your existence has passed in ignorance and in error, if you have been the cause of great harm to people, to society, and even to religion, and for any reason you recognize your mistake, do not allow yourself to be pulled down by the burden of your sins or by the harm for which you have been instrumental. But instead, allow your soul to be penetrated with the deepest sorrow, absorb yourself in trust and turn to the One who is always waiting to forgive you.
7. The same happens for a soul who has spent the first years of its life in faithful observance of My Commandments, but has little by little fallen away from fervor into a lukewarm and comfortable life …
8. Do not hide anything that I tell you, for it is all for the benefit of the whole of humanity. Repeat it in broad daylight; preach it to those who truly want to hear it.
9. The soul who one day receives a strong jolt that awaken her, all of a sudden sees her life fruitless, empty and undeserving of eternity. The Evil One, with infernal jealousy, attacks her in a thousand ways, exaggerating her faults. He inspires in her sadness and discouragement, leading in the end to fear and desperation.
10. Soul that belongs to Me, do not pay attention to that cruel enemy. As soon as you feel the movement of grace at the beginning of your struggle, come to My Heart. Feel and watch how it pours a drop of its Blood upon your soul, and come to Me. You know where I am, under the veil of faith… Lift it and, with complete trust, tell Me all your sorrows, your miseries, your falls… Listen to My words with respect and do not fear for the past. My Heart has submerged it in the endless depths of My Mercy and My Love.
11. Your past life will give you the humility that will fill you. And if you want to give Me the best proof of love, trust Me and count on My forgiveness. Believe that your sins will never be greater than My infinite Mercy. **

The other thing I would mentioned is that I know very little about STI/STD’s, however, if what you have is like HIV (is sexually transmitted and remains with the person for life) than it’s important you don’t have any sexual contact with anyone else (so celibacy) as you would give it to them, and that would deeply and badly harm someone else not to mention also being a serious criminal offense.

I hope this has helped.

I will try and keep you in my poor prayers.

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[probablyoutside]

Not that I will be engaging in any sexual activity, but HPV (what I have) is the most common STI in the US/world. There is no legal obligation to tell anyone about it because it is assumed that every sexually active person has it. Unlike HIV, which you must disclose.

However, not telling anyone about any STI/STD would be morally wrong.

But thanks!

 

[lax16]

I am feeling very broken. I made very bad mistakes in the past several years. Fornication, sodomy with the same sex, masturbation, etc.
I recently had surgery to remove HPV-related warts from my an*s. Missed a couple weeks of college.
I’ve been to confession, I’ve started going to Mass again, but the guilt and shame is wearing me down.
The priest I confessed to at the big cathedral in my metro area said he would be able to give me spiritual direction since I seemed “confused”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take him up on that offer because I had to go back to college for the semester.
Before I knew I had this STD, I had made the decision to stop the homosexual behavior because I knew it was wrong on many levels. Then I discovered these warts and the anxiety, depression, shame and guilt have overcome me.

How can I learn to forgive myself and how can I recognize that God is still with me? I want His love and mercy and I want to be filled with the Spirit, but I feel damaged physically, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I have an expiration date, because there are some HPVs that cause cancer. The wart kind typically don’t, but who knows what other ones are lurking around me. HPV is also the most common STD/STI, with something like 80 million Americans living with it, most unknowingly. Well, I know I’m living with it, and it has taken such a toll on me.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, God is so pleased that you are trying to turn your life around!

There are great saints that lived less than perfect lives, I recommend reading about them.

Welcome to CAF

 

[Franciscan_Way]

Probablyoutside,
You have taken the correct steps by humbling yourself and going to confession and amending your life. (These words or similar words are found in the Act of Contrition.)

God is All Good and Merciful. He ALWAYS forgives the sins of those who come before Him with a contrite heart. He has already forgiven you. You only need to learn to forgive yourself and continue to walk with our Lord on the righteous path!

I agree with the advice to seek counsel from a priest. He will be able to advise you about spiritual issues and walking with Christ. A counselor can help you with depression and anxiety. I also think you are correct in your assumption that your counselor will want you to confront your sexuality. Confronting and acknowledging it is one thing, but IMHO, I would make sure whoever you select as a counselor has views that fall in line with your faith. It is very important that you are not getting conflicting information. And many counselors will try to encourage you to “Be who you are” “Do what makes you happy or feel good” etc. You get my point.

I know this not easy for you, but you have chosen God’s way over the world way. He is lookinfg favourbly upon you! We must realize our time here is temporary. Eternal life is where our focus must be.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you and give courage, strength, and peace as you do His will.
Peace and all good.

 

[oldgraymare2]

It is so difficult. I am only 22. I feel like the life God has given me has been tainted. Regardless of my actions, I have always called on Him to help and guide me, but I still fell countless times.

I feel like my chance of getting to Heaven has been lowered, even though I confessed and truly want God’s grace and guidance. I want to know His presence.

I am seeing a therapist/counselor next week - she’ll probably have me confront my sexuality. It’s not the same as having the Church background. I’ll have to find a Catholic spiritual advisor to supplement this.

My Dear,

Please try not to be so hard on yourself.

I agree with 1ke’s post, and her advice to you.

We all make mistakes in life, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t made any. All of us fall down. The important thing though in my opinion, is to get up and keep on trying, putting one foot in front of each other, going day by day and taking each day as it comes.

It appears to me that that is what you are trying to do. Just keep hanging in there.

Let the Lord heal you. That is what I personally try and do when I am feeling pretty low. I ask Him to carry my burdens for me, especially if I am hurting emotionally. He is always there for us, if we let Him be there for us.

Prayers said for you, and may God bless you during this stressful time for you.

 

[Faxero]

If your past evil deeds stay in the past, then you don’t have much to worry about. “I will remember their sins no more. I will wipe the tears from their eyes.”

 

[Dorothy]

“probably outside”,

Your are not “outside”. The Lord loves you infinitely, receive that Love! Jesus’ love is our healing!

 

[probablyoutside]

Probablyoutside,
You have taken the correct steps by humbling yourself and going to confession and amending your life. (These words or similar words are found in the Act of Contrition.)

God is All Good and Merciful. He ALWAYS forgives the sins of those who come before Him with a contrite heart. He has already forgiven you. You only need to learn to forgive yourself and continue to walk with our Lord on the righteous path!

I agree with the advice to seek counsel from a priest. He will be able to advise you about spiritual issues and walking with Christ. A counselor can help you with depression and anxiety. I also think you are correct in your assumption that your counselor will want you to confront your sexuality. Confronting and acknowledging it is one thing, but IMHO, I would make sure whoever you select as a counselor has views that fall in line with your faith. It is very important that you are not getting conflicting information. And many counselors will try to encourage you to “Be who you are” “Do what makes you happy or feel good” etc. You get my point.

I know this not easy for you, but you have chosen God’s way over the world way. He is lookinfg favourbly upon you! We must realize our time here is temporary. Eternal life is where our focus must be.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you and give courage, strength, and peace as you do His will.
Peace and all good.

Thank you. I am trying to cope with the stress of this. I am trying out a therapist next week. I’m not sure on her background, but it is worth a shot.

The weight of my past is weighing down. I wish I could go back to 2015 and slap myself.

 

[probablyoutside]

My Dear,

Please try not to be so hard on yourself.

I agree with 1ke’s post, and her advice to you.

We all make mistakes in life, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t made any. All of us fall down. The important thing though in my opinion, is to get up and keep on trying, putting one foot in front of each other, going day by day and taking each day as it comes.

It appears to me that that is what you are trying to do. Just keep hanging in there.

Let the Lord heal you. That is what I personally try and do when I am feeling pretty low. I ask Him to carry my burdens for me, especially if I am hurting emotionally. He is always there for us, if we let Him be there for us.

Prayers said for you, and may God bless you during this stressful time for you.

But will he carry these burdens? I don’t know why I associate sexual sins as being the worst sin, and I have an STI. I went against Him. Yes, I am trying to make amends, but will He accept me? I know the answer is yes, but I am having a tough time believing it.

 

[probablyoutside]

“probably outside”,

Your are not “outside”. The Lord loves you infinitely, receive that Love! Jesus’ love is our healing!

I wish I was physically outside. The outdoors and nature were where I truly felt God’s presence. I was always in awe of his amazing creation. I remember looking down at mountains flying to Alaska once and thinking how great His work is.

I want to be able to feel that awe again. I want to be able to feel His presence again.

 

[oldgraymare2]

But will he carry these burdens? I don’t know why I associate sexual sins as being the worst sin, and I have an STI. I went against Him. Yes, I am trying to make amends, but will He accept me? I know the answer is yes, but I am having a tough time believing it.

Yes, He will accept you, and already has forgiven you. He has already taken on our sins when He died on the Cross for us, and all that we have to do is just turn to Him and trust in Him.

I think that I understand where you are coming from. I think that we tend to think in terms of human behavior because we think in terms of human rejection, and being rejected by others.

If you are struggling with your faith and with believing that you have been forgiven for your past, then I would pray to the Lord and tell Him what’s in your heart and let Him know what’s on your mind.

I have this booklet that I am posting a link to from Amazon, that you might find helpful to read. The prayers in it were written by St. Alphonsus Ligouri. It is called, “Praying to God as a Friend.” You can get it as a Kindle edition from Amazon, if you are interested in it.

It has different prayers in it, but it talks about how we can approach God like our friend, and about turning to Him in times of need. I think that it’s a great little booklet.

Here is a link to it:

amazon.com/Praying-God-Friend-Alphonsus-Liguori-ebook/dp/B005O54264

 

[catholictiger]

I am feeling very broken. I made very bad mistakes in the past several years. Fornication, sodomy with the same sex, masturbation, etc.
I recently had surgery to remove HPV-related warts from my an*s. Missed a couple weeks of college.
I’ve been to confession, I’ve started going to Mass again, but the guilt and shame is wearing me down.
The priest I confessed to at the big cathedral in my metro area said he would be able to give me spiritual direction since I seemed “confused”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take him up on that offer because I had to go back to college for the semester.
Before I knew I had this STD, I had made the decision to stop the homosexual behavior because I knew it was wrong on many levels. Then I discovered these warts and the anxiety, depression, shame and guilt have overcome me.

How can I learn to forgive myself and how can I recognize that God is still with me? I want His love and mercy and I want to be filled with the Spirit, but I feel damaged physically, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I have an expiration date, because there are some HPVs that cause cancer. The wart kind typically don’t, but who knows what other ones are lurking around me. HPV is also the most common STD/STI, with something like 80 million Americans living with it, most unknowingly. Well, I know I’m living with it, and it has taken such a toll on me.

it is important that you reach out to someone first and foremost. I hope you can get help and begin to overcome these struggles. But I would say that you need to have compassion on yourself and love yourself. I don’t believe it is possible to forgive yourself, but that doesn’t matter too much right now. The deeper you can get in touch with God, he will help you to come to realize your true self, this will help you be compassionate to yourself. God will forgive you and hopefully, you can have the chance to really experience it from him and hear him say “I love you and I forgive you” in your heart.

I’m sure people have told you this but it would be good to find a therapist to talk to about these things. Try and find a good Catholic one, who will be able to help you out. I doubt you would find it helpful if you went to someone who said, “oh homosexual behavior is ok go ahead and act out.” You probably need to find someone who understands the Catholic Teaching well and can help you out. Healing is not easy and never is, but we can be helped by therapists to make the healing easier and quicker. May God bless you.