How can I help grieving mom go back completely to church?

[shell_217]

My parents had been married for 41 happy years. They lived together, worked together, and shared their love for participating in every aspect of church life (the entire community knows and loves them deeply). In December, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 gall bladder cancer. After 6 short months of fighting, we lost him 2 months ago. In these six weeks, my mom has tried to put on a brave face but cries a lot. She fears she’ll alienate people by crying so she has not wanted to go back to her church activities. She used to open the church in the morning, serve as commentator and even participate in several church groups which 8 months ago kept her busy 5 out of seven days of the week. I really think that if she were to take her role back in several of these things, she might feel comforted in doing great things while keeping her mind constantly missing my dad. I live about an hour away from her so I can’t make her go, but I’m always encouraging her to spend more time with her church friends as possible (they have been extremely loving and supportive). She does go to mass every day but won’t participate like she would. Any thoughts as to what I can do to help her continue living while she grieves? She refuses counseling groups too.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Give her time. Your parents were together for 41 years! She’s got to grieve his loss for a while before she can start to re-assemble her life without him. Right now she’s in the middle of that grief and doesn’t see a way out or forward. Just give her time, understanding, and a lot of space to figure out what she wants to do next. Spend as much time as you can with her, and let her talk about your father all she wants to. She may have a lot of memories she’d like to share with you. It will help her move on, if she can go back over the long journey of her marriage to your father.

It’s only been 6 weeks! Please don’t push her to do things she’s not up to doing. She probably fears that she will break down crying at any point, which is a very real possibility.

Tell her that you love her and you are there for her, in any way that she needs you. Keep an eye out for true depression, but do allow her to grieve, if you see that she is working through things and doesn’t just stay stuck and sad. If she is able to talk about your father positively, and enjoy herself even a little, she’s probably not depressed. But you will need to keep an eye out for depression, for sure.

 

[IrishRush]

First let me offer my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I also agree with the first responder to your post - you mom needs time to work through her grief. As do you. Speak with her often, and don’t be afraid to bring up the subject of your dad. Acknowledge to your mom that you know she’s suffering, and tell her you are too. Let her cry, and cry with her if that’s what you feel. Console each other. Maybe in this way, you can help each other with your grief. Also, remind her that God will care for her - Jesus wept when he saw Mary’s and Martha’s grief over the loss of their brother, remember? Jesus weeps with your mom now too, I’m sure. He doesn’t want any of us to hurt that way. Help your mom to turn to the Father in her grief, and ask for consolation. God is there for us always, in good and bad times.
God bless you both and provide the consolation you both need right now.

 

[tuscany]

**Sorry to hear about your Dad, may he be resting in peace.

Two months is hardly any time at all, your Mom is still in shock. If she is managing to get up and get dressed every day, she is doing good. That she is going to daily Mass is a great sign, but right now that is all she can do.

Losing her husband after so many years is literally like being cut in half. Half of her is gone, and she is now faced with the shock of having to learn how to function with only one arm and one leg. It takes time. She needs time to process what has just happened to her. It’s like she was walking down the street and slipped. Ten seconds later when she gets back up, her whole world has changed. It’s like she is now on a different planet. Things look familiar, and she can understand the language, but her whole world is different.

In reality, it takes people 2-3 years to really go through the grieving process. Grief Groups are good, but they don’t really work if you go to them too soon.

You are a good daughter to be concerned about your Mom, but slow WAY down what you are expecting from her. If she were staying in bed all day and refusing to do anything, then I would worry. But from what you have said, she is getting up, getting dressed, and going to Mass. When she is ready, she will slowly add things as she is able to handle them.

I will keep her in my prayers.**

 

[shell_217]

Thank you so much for your posts. You’re right. She IS doing great given the situation. I’ll thank God for that. It’s difficult to understand a widow. I lost my father, but she lost her partner. I’ve told her that she can probably help me understand the grief of losing a father since she has gone through that, but I’m at a loss at times in deeply knowing what the loss of a spouse means.

Thank you again for your replies.

 

[aicirt]

Dad has been gone six weeks. I think it is wonderful that Mom is able to go to Mass every morning. She is not ready to be involved. There’s a lot for her to do regarding paper work, sorting through things, and answering many legal questions. It is depressing. She’ll probably do just so much and take time out that might last the rest of the day.

I had a friend who became a widow very unexpectedly. A friend of hers asked another, “When is she going to get over this. It’s been six weeks.” I know you don’t expect her to “get over” the death of your Dad. I’m just using it as an example of someone expecting way too much and being crass about it.

Usual advice for widows is not to make any major decisions for a year. This would include selling the house.

Keep in contact with her through the day, encourage her friends to drop by or invite her out. Make sure she is eating well, Invite her down for dinner and have her stay overnight.

All will be well. Sorry about the loss of your Father. You are a good daughter.

 

[Cryptic1]

There is no question that the bond your mother and father shared for 41 years was a close knit one. Her grief and sorrow at his passing is understandable for she has lost her best friend and life partner. However, as a catholic, somewhere inbetween the sadness and despair, there should be some joy in knowing that her husband has made it to heaven and that one day, she too will see him again. Jesus physicially rose from the dead to let us know that, if we followed him, we too would share in his eternal glory, surrounded by our loved ones.

Time heals all wounds, but if your mother persists in crying and shutting herself away from her friends, you may need to seek professional help for her–your parish priest or a professional grief counselor, for instance. While I am not discounting the fact that your mother suffered a tremendous loss, life goes on and we all have to take up our cross at some point in time.

You can pray to the Holy Spirit to give your mother the kind of peace that knows no understanding, to break this depression which seems to have overtaken her. And while nothing can fill the void that your father’s passing has left, you can help your mother get back into the swing of things by perhaps calling her friends to see if they would come to visit or encourage her as you have in the past, to return to the church activities she used to participate in. Sometimes it’s something as simple as your mother immersing herself in these familiar routines that will get her back on the right track.

 

[Catholic1954]

Your Mom needs to grieve in her own way and in her own time. Six months really is not very long ago, especially since she had 41 years of a happy marriage. Sometimes it can take a year or more for the spouse who is left behind to finally deal with the grief and move on. She is lucky that she has such a caring and concerned child, like you, to help her over the rough spots. The Christmas holidays this year will probably be a very sad time for her, especially if your celebrations were family centered, and she might not feel up to doing as much as usual. Just stand by and be supportive and she will get through this. I am very sorry for the loss of your father.

 

[maltmom]

I will keep your Mom and your family in my prayers. God Bless you for being a good daughter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you so much for your posts. You’re right. She IS doing great given the situation. I’ll thank God for that. It’s difficult to understand a widow. I lost my father, but she lost her partner. I’ve told her that she can probably help me understand the grief of losing a father since she has gone through that, but I’m at a loss at times in deeply knowing what the loss of a spouse means.

Thank you again for your replies.

You are a good daughter. Losing a spouse is like losing half of your body, as another poster termed it. Imagine the kind of rehab it would take if you had an arm and a leg amputated and had to learn to live like that! It is a very up and down process. Please know that grief does not progress in a straight line, and even years from now, she will hit a trigger and may cry a lot upon hearing a song or remembering some other little thing about her life with your dad. She is going to have to reinvent herself, no easy task even for young people, let alone we older folks! And the suddenness of your father’s illness and death just makes it harder.

You can’t know at this point what it’s like to lose a spouse. Just be there for her, love her and show your love. And DO NOT let her make important decisions until at least a year has gone by. AT LEAST a year! My stepmom was a mess after my father died and I didn’t realize all the chaos she unknowingly created…She moved 3 times in 2 years and it took her a long time to get over his death. She sold her own farm to move to town, for his health needs, and then he passed away before they moved, so she was left without her home. It was a horrible time for her. If I could go back and do it differently I would have gotten a lawyer to see if we could undo the sale.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Thank you so much for your posts. You’re right. She IS doing great given the situation. I’ll thank God for that. It’s difficult to understand a widow. I lost my father, but she lost her partner. I’ve told her that she can probably help me understand the grief of losing a father since she has gone through that, but I’m at a loss at times in deeply knowing what the loss of a spouse means.

Thank you again for your replies.

My mom had only been married for about 8.5 yrs when my dad passed away (he was 31), but she says the first year after he passed away was a blur for her. I agree with giving her time. I don’t think it is a bad idea to encourage her here and there, but don’t push it. If she is attending daily Mass like you mentioned, that alone is going to help her immensely.

 

[_Jenn]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. You, your mom, and your family will be in my prayers.

Honestly, just give her space. A lot of us go through something (not always loss of a spouse, but something that is our own cross to bear) which pulls us away from the things we once held dear. My own mom has been through her time away from the church, as have I. Not away from God, mind you. Just away from being there each week.

That’s the thing to remember - she may not be attending Mass each week, but I’m sure she is praying all the time. And God is there for her regardless of where she prays, how she prays, etc. He knows what she needs; He knows her heart.

In due time, I’m sure she’ll return. Maybe sporadically at first, and she may not ever go back to being as involved as she once was. But that’s ok; she will figure out, as she goes, just what her needs are at the time, and make sure they are met. Best thing you can do is just be there, don’t constantly bring up going to Mass, etc. It may take a while, but I bet she’ll get back.