How can I help my boyfriend understand?

[Mirror_Mirror]

There’s a difference between respecting and agreeing. He knows I’m against porn, so he would never ask me to watch it or put me in situation where i would have to be around it.

Whether or not he asks you to watch porn is not even relevant to the discussion. He should have the respect for you that you deserve to not view this content. Pornography will destroy your relationship. Let me say that again pornography will destroy your relationship. Whether either of you want to accept that or just “sweep it under the rugh” is up to you, but I am telling you what will happen.

It has already affected the relationship. He has rationalized and you have accepted it. By doing nothing, you have accepted. The way that he objectifies women in viewing this filth is a slap in your face to the gift that God has given you in your sexuality. I do not know what happens when he views the porn, but chances are that he masturbates, again, against the teachings of the Catholic Church that you mentioned he is a part of as well.

The images that he has in his head of these women will still be there. They do not just disappear. The pornography has to leave the relationship or you have to leave. If he values you and your relationship he will get rid of it. Point him in the direction of these websites:

www.pornnomore.com

www.trueknights.org

www.pureloveclub.com

He is my boyfriend because of our connection. Also, we wont date anyone else, and I didn’t say marriage wasn’t possible (it’s not an option now, but it might be one day). We’re still pretty new, and marriage hasn’t really come up yet.

Do not date someone that you cannot see yourself married to, otherwise the dating becoming non relevant and you are no more than friends. The ultimate purpose of dating is to find the one that you will spend the rest of your life with, correct? If he is not the one, you must realize that now, first boyfriend or 25th boyfriend, you have to know that.

He was raised “catholic” by a non religious family. If that makes sense… I know he got his first communion but not confirmation.

He believes that he is close to God already, and does not need to go to mass, and he doesn’t understand why I have a huge problem with the porn. He thinks all guys watch it and it’s no big deal, and it drives me crazy!

Do you realize that you are trying to rationalize the relationship. You are not even 100% comfortable with it yourself. Why would you push that any further. Sharing your Catholic faith with someone is something that is important to you, but you seem to be sacrificing that for the sake of this relationship that you (seemingly) are not even sure about.

BTW, not all guys watch it, I don’t

Secondly, just being “close to God” is not good enough.

I’ve gotten him to go to mass with me once, but he keeps telling me that he wants to want to go. Which i think is total bs. He’s really sensitive about some things. Especially when I mention his flaws, and he gets really defensive and completely shuts off to me. It makes it really difficult to talk to him.

Is this the man that you want to spend your life with and as the father of your children?

 

[dontknow]

I agree pretty much with everyone else.

My opinion summed up - if you’re value / belief system isn’t harmonious prior to marriage - you’re in for a tough, exhausting and perhaps detrimental marriage.

Abortion, porn, family, children, money as well as believes on things such as alcohol consumption are in many cases deal breakers - before or after. Most of these - if not all - tie into religious beliefs.

My own (name removed by moderator)ut on getting to thinking about the murdering of our unborn children, please review on YouTube - Abortion Dumpster Scandal - Women’s Advisory Clinic. Should hopefully make a life lasting impact on him and any other believer than it’s OK to murder these babies.

 

[Ankabaranka_87]

I agree with most of the posts written in this thread. Why are you wasting your time with this person? I am assuming that because this is your first bf, you might be wanting to go in this relationship because you never had one and you want to experience the ‘joys’ of being in one? However, I stand corrected if this is not what you think…I should say that I was that type of person when I went out with this one person (similar to your boyfriend) in the past.

I will tll you some things about mine, and you might see some parallels with yours. 1) He was born Catholic but didnt practice it. 2) He didn’t see what was wrong with abortion. 3) He had no problem with premarital sex however, he did respect my wishes (but there were times you could have seen that he really wanted it) 4) he had (and still probably has) a bad habit of watching porn.

However, by the Grace of God, that relationship flopped early on. During the relationship, I had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right about it…but my mind/heart was denying it (especially since we had good chemistry). It wasn’t until a few weeks after that relationship was over that i came to realize how lucky I was that it was over. Yes, there were qualities in him that were great…we had the same cultural background, he was ambitious/driven, he likes to cook/bake, etc, etc, but those 4 points did not change the perspective of him

Yes, he also did say that he wanted to go to Mass, and for the first “Mass-date” he did come, but afterwards, he didn’t show up. He would say that he would like to change, however his ‘testorone’ is too ‘high’ and he cant help himself…and said it is a ‘guy thing’ to feel this way. I thought I could change him but it isnt so. Unless the guy himself is willing to change and actually you see him trying to change , there is a very little chance of him changing. Would you change yourself just because he wishes you to?

I suggest that you pray to God. For me, when I was in that past relationship, I still prayed to God and I feel as if the relationship flopped due to God’s intervention. Also, try being friends with him at first (how long did you two know each other before you started dating exclusively?). Being friends with him first may give you a different perspective (i know it did for me).

You wrote in Catholic Answers Forums. From that, I can assume that you also (like I did) feel something does not seem right. Listen to that gut feeling and to people who replied to your post. It will be hard, but in the end, believe me, you will feel much better.

 

[jellie89]

I just sent my boyfriend an e-mail with a bunch of quotes of why porn is horrible, and I honestly have no idea how he’s going to react. We’ll see…

But I’ve never actually been able to tell him exactly why porn is bad because as i said i can’t argue and i’m terrible with words. So now he will know. Hopefully.

Ahhh!! I’m scared…

Oh and thank you Mirror Mirror for your links. I used those sites to get my info from.

I’ll let ya’ll know how it goes.

 

[duskyjewel]

You have major moral disagreements with him, you don’t share the same faith (he may be nominally Catholic but is obviously not serious about it and has no desire to become so), and you don’t seen this going toward marriage.

I don’t care how young you are, you cannot afford to waste the precious years God gives us. Cuz we don’t know how many we have.

Relationships where one is trying to “help” someone become what they think that person should be NEVER WORK. Young women see young men they think are projects, kill themselves trying to “fix” them, thinking that when his life is all sunlight and roses, he’ll finally wake up and be grateful. He’ll give you all the credit for his wonderful life, love you eternally, and you will feel special and worthy.

NOT. Men resent constantly being told they need to change. If he does change, he’ll most likely feel emotionally blackmailed into it, harbor resentment, and eventually, return to the way he is and wants to be. By then you’ll have three or four kids, and he will be turning your oldest son onto porn, thinking it is a rite of passage for a young boy. And then you’ll be on the board asking us what to do…

Find another way to earn your self worth. Get out there and accomplish some real, tangible things on your own that have nothing to do with him. And if you really want a stable, peaceful, Catholic family and home, go find a man who wants those things and lives his life that way.

For what it’s worth, I thought I would die when I lost my first serious boyfriend too. Now, 16 years later, I am so grateful that relationship ended. He was an alcoholic high-school dropout living in a trailer with his dad. I almost gave that idiot my virginity (shudder) because I was so grateful to have a boyfriend, feel like a grownup, and I thought all the stuff I posted above about making his life better and him being grateful for it. What he really was was a user with no morals. He wouldn’t have helped me in my faith journey at all. He was cute and funny, but that couldn’t make up for what he lacked.

We weren’t a match. Sounds like you and your boyfriend probably aren’t, either.

Besides, how “wonderful” can his wonderful parts be if he is willing to exploit young women who were most likely abused, have run away, and may be addicted to drugs to numb their feelings for his sexual gratification? Who could have been kidnapped and forced into prostitution and porn? If he thinks that’s OK, there is nothing wondeful enough to make up for that.

 

[duskyjewel]

Ahhh!! I’m scared…

This speaks volumes. If you are actually scared to talk to him about anything, this relationship is not healthy.

 

[1ke]

Well, jellie, you are either going to learn by assimilating all that we’ve said here and deciding to stand up for what you believe and not compromise for the sake of “having” a boyfriend… OR… you are going to learn the hard way.

The choice is yours.

I hope you absorb what we’ve said, reflect on it, and realize that you should date only those who meet the standards you set for yourself and your future spouse.

p.s. The hard way sucks.

 

[jellie89]

Wow. Everyone is so negative. I feel like I have to set a few things straight.

First of all I am not with him just because I want a boyfriend. I’m with him because I want him to be my boyfriend. There have been lots of guys interested in me before him, and I picked him for a reason.

I am not with him because I want to fix him.

We do not have a toxic relationship. He is a good boyfriend, and I am very happy with him as he is. I do not want to break up with him.

He doesn’t drink. He’s in college. He’s the president of his frat. He believes in helping people, and he believes in the goodness of people. He has a job. He cares about me. A lot. And these are just the things I came up with off the top of my head. There are many many more good reasons why I love being with him.

I came to this forum for advice as how to bring him closer to God because I am not good with words, and I was hoping ya’ll could help me with that.

I know ya’ll mean well, and I understand that this is serious, but I am not ready to give up on us.

 

[duskyjewel]

Oh, yeah, jellie, one more thing: Go buy a copy of Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and read it… twice. You REALLY need that book.

Just read your last post. I have to tell you that him being the president of his frat does not raise my opinion of him. Frats are drunken party houses… no wonder he thinks all guys look at porn. All the ones he knows probably do. I have informed my children that if they join any Greek organization, I will not pay for any portion of their college education. At my college, the frat houses were where most of the loud drunken parties and date rapes happened. They were the places where Mom and Dad were paying for everything, so the guys started partying on Thursday night and didn’t quit until Monday morning. They skipped class all the time…

 

[1ke]

Wow. Everyone is so negative. I feel like I have to set a few things straight.

First of all I am not with him just because I want a boyfriend. I’m with him because I want him to be my boyfriend. There have been lots of guys interested in me before him, and I picked him for a reason.

You want him to be your boyfriend. Great. Then accept him as he is. If you cannot, he’s not the right boyfriend for you.

I am not with him because I want to fix him.

But you do want to fix him. You want to make him different than he is because he currently has objectionable qualities.

He is a good boyfriend, and I am very happy with him as he is.

If that were true, you would not have begun this thread.

I do not want to break up with him.

That is your perogative. But remember, the hard way sucks.

He doesn’t drink. He’s in college. He’s the president of his frat. He believes in helping people, and he believes in the goodness of people. He has a job. He cares about me. A lot. And these are just the things I came up with off the top of my head. There are many many more good reasons why I love being with him.

None of which negates the items you posted in your original post.

I came to this forum for advice as how to bring him closer to God because I am not good with words, and I was hoping ya’ll could help me with that.

And, we answered that. You can’t. You can be an example and you can pray. You can invite him to Mass and to study Catholicism. Then he has to act. You can’t act for him, and if he does not want to change or grow closer to God there isn’t anything you can do about that.

I know ya’ll mean well, and I understand that this is serious, but I am not ready to give up on us.

Well, perhaps the hard way is the only way.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not going to leave him. He is a wonderful person, but he wasn’t raised in a religious home. I wrote all the bad stuff; there is a whole lot more good stuff that I don’t have space to get into.

Also I feel like God put me in this relationship for a reason, and I want to help him. I just don’t know how.

I still have hope, but i would never marry him unless he came back to the church

I think you’re treading lightly, and that’s so wise. As long as you never allow anyone to come between you and your faith…you and the Eucharist…

Once you sense that he is asking you to compromise your values…then, it might be time to move on. I will pray that he decides to embrace the faith soon, like you have. Good luck to you both!

 

[jellie89]

Just read your last post. I have to tell you that him being the president of his frat does not raise my opinion of him. Frats are drunken party houses… no wonder he thinks all guys look at porn. All the ones he knows probably do. I have informed my children that if they join any Greek organization, I will not pay for any portion of their college education. At my college, the frat houses were where most of the loud drunken parties and date rapes happened. They were the places where Mom and Dad were paying for everything, so the guys started partying on Thursday night and didn’t quit until Monday morning. They skipped class all the time…

Yeah… no… nothing like that at all.

At my college the greeks are nothing like that. At all.

And I’m in a sorority by the way and I love it.

To me him being president show’s that he’s responsible and a leader. Both admirable qualities to me.

And remember he doesn’t drink. At all. And he’s 21 so he could if he wanted to.

We don’t party. And we pay for everything ourselves. Our parents don’t have the money to support us. In fact we had a carwash today so we could afford our dues. Greeks may have been terrible at your school, but that doesn’t mean they all are.

And please don’t tell your children that. Greek isn’t bad. If you raise them to be good catholics which i’m sure you are, they will be able to make good decicions and not join organizations which support evil. Greeks here don’t.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah… no… nothing like that at all.

At my college the greeks are nothing like that. At all.

And I’m in a sorority by the way and I love it.

To me him being president show’s that he’s responsible and a leader. Both admirable qualities to me.

We don’t party. And we pay for everything ourselves. Our parents don’t have the money to support us. In fact we had a carwash today so we could afford our dues. Greeks may have been terrible at your school, but that doesn’t mean they all are.

And please don’t tell your children that. Greek isn’t bad. If you raise them to be good catholics which i’m sure you are, they will be able to make good decicions and not join organizations which support evil. Greeks here don’t.

I agree with your ‘Greek’ sentiment. Yes, when I was in a soroity, there were wild ones in it…and there were wild parties…but not all Greek life is a drunken party waiting to happen. I think that there were a lot more parties where the kids were not in frats and sororities that were getting drunk, and having sex. I actually liked the charity aspect of the sorority I was in, but there was some pettiness…eventually, I dropped out in my junior year, as it got a bit old…but, overall, the experience was a good one.

Sorry–not meaning to go OT.

 

[anamchara]

Wow. Everyone is so negative. I feel like I have to set a few things straight.

Ya, it does seem like that a bit. Here’s my two cents. Many of the posters on here surely had a sinful spent youth, right? Good for you if didn’t! Perhaps a loving relationship is just what he needs to get on the right track. How many posters in here were influenced by a wonderful boyfriend or girlfriend in college in a positive way? How many of the men on here had a wild past but a young lady came around and you straighten up. Maybe it took a while but you eventually did! How many very long and happy marriages in the world had this same start?

God often puts us in situations that are meant to help others. Let’s not forget this!

Jellie, I think you just need to be your goodself and if this relationship grows into a serious love and respect for one another then he will come around. It sounds like you want to talk to him about it but you need to learn the right words. I would suggest reading as much as you can about your faith and share it with him when you think the time is right.

This is who you are and if he cares for you that much, he will be respectful of this, listen and hopefully make some changes for himself and for you.

One other thing I’d like to add to everyone that seems to be casting stones at this young man. How many people on here above the age of 45 yrs never once looked at naughty pictures when they were in college?? If you never did, good for you! But can you imagine if you had the internet when you were in your twenties? It would have been a major temptation especially if you were not raised in a religious home! I am not saying it is ok! We all know it’s wrong! But it also doesn’t mean he is without hope.

 

[jellie89]

Ya, it does seem like that a bit. Here’s my two cents. Many of the posters on here surely had a sinful spent youth, right? Good for you if didn’t! Perhaps a loving relationship is just what he needs to get on the right track. How many posters in here were influenced by a wonderful boyfriend or girlfriend in college in a positive way? How many of the men on here had a wild past but a young lady came around and you straighten up. Maybe it took a while but you eventually did! How many very long and happy marriages in the world had this same start?

God often puts us in situations that are meant to help others. Let’s not forget this!

Jellie, I think you just need to be your goodself and if this relationship grows into a serious love and respect for one another then he will come around. It sounds like you want to talk to him about it but you need to learn the right words. I would suggest reading as much as you can about your faith and share it with him when you think the time is right.

This is who you are and if he cares for you that much, he will be respectful of this, listen and hopefully make some changes for himself and for you.

One other thing I’d like to add to everyone that seems to be casting stones at this young man. How many people on here above the age of 45 yrs never once looked at naughty pictures when they were in college?? If you never did, good for you! But can you imagine if you had the internet when you were in your twenties? It would have been a major temptation especially if you were not raised in a religious home! I am not saying it is ok! We all know it’s wrong! But it also doesn’t mean he is without hope.

Thank you

 

[anamchara]

Thank you

Your welcome

 

[kage_ar]

Can you find a good solid Catholic group on Campus? Newman Center, FOCUS, Theology on Tap… to be involved with other Catholics might help him.

 

[jellie89]

Can you find a good solid Catholic group on Campus? Newman Center, FOCUS, Theology on Tap… to be involved with other Catholics might help him.

I am in the Catholic Student Organization. I tried to bring him around a little, but we started dating at the end of the semester so there wasn’t a whole lot left.

 

[kage_ar]

I am in the Catholic Student Organization. I tried to bring him around a little, but we started dating at the end of the semester so there wasn’t a whole lot left.

Are you in the same city over summer? If you are, find one thing at your or a nearby Parish - for example, our small town Parish is building a habitat for humanity house.

We also have VBS coming up and really need volunteers.

We have a summer Study of Luke Bible Study on Wed evenings.

How about the pro-life group?

Volunteer and drag - I mean - bring him along.

When fall comes around, challange him to attend the local RCIA with you.

You know what they say, you hang around the barbershop long enough you are bound to get a haircut.

 

[jmcrae]

You will know you have found the right man when the phrase “He’s a really wonderful guy” is followed by a period, not a comma.

This needs to go on a poster in my parish’s Youth Group meeting room.