How can I help my boyfriend understand?

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Jesus_N_Cherie said:
Oh, please. I have been in relationships with people who wound up being really bad news. He shows no signs of being an abuser, or a stalker. An abuser and a stalker are obsessive in their possessiveness toward a person.

This guy isn’t showing those signs. You all are being Hyper sensitive. So up till now he hasn’t been shown evidence that abortion is wrong, pre-marital sex is wrong, he needs to go to Church and pornography is demoralizing. And you assume that makes him a STALKER? And still, you are telling her not to share her knowledge of those things being wrong with him!!! How do you expect him to understand that those things are important if you are taking away from him the only person in his life who is willing to share the TRUTH with him? He hasn’t up till now had any reason to go to a priest or morality school to find a teacher. And there is no reason that she shouldn’t share her knowledge with him.
She already stated that he had just had an argument with his mom when he read the email and responded to the website about the evils of pornography. She said that he had been in a bad mood when he finished the argument with his mom. She also said that he had apologized for having spoken to her the way he did. And she said that after he argues with his mom, he is always stubborn.
Okay…I can hear it now. You will say that she is trying to make excuses for his “abusive” behavior. Gimme a break! Who out there on this thread NEVER says anything wrong or gets angry after having an argument with someone and stays angry for a little while? And if someone comes to you with something you are not ready to deal with at that time, who out there never says rash or unjust things?
If anyone of you say that you never do, I would say that your parish priests sit alone in the Confessional every week. And I would say that you are truly saints, and should be ellevated to the highest points. And then, I would call you a liar.
Why is it that when you do it, it doesn’t make you a EVIL person…only someone who did something wrong who has to make reparation for it, but he is an abusive stalker?
Reality, people. Reality.

I am still not yelling.
God bless,
Cherie
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lol, bebe, you are not yelling, but you say nothing of importance. You should not speak to me in this way. 😛
 
agapewolf said:
And someone might “ask” for “help” in hanging themselves, or sugar to sweeten their poison. We don’t give them those things.

Sometimes people don’t know what kind of help they need. A lot of us are seeing potential dangers here, and trying to stop her from drinking poison. (as I have said before a few times…people addicted to pornography can turn seriously dangerous…and he doens’t even believe its wrong…all the more dangerous).
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She only drinks poinson if she sins…which it sounds to me like she is not going to do. And sharing your faith and the Truths of Jesus Christ with ANYONE, in any situation, is not anything akin to drinking poison.

Still not yelling.
 
jmcrae said:
lol, bebe, you are not yelling, but you say nothing of importance. You should not speak to me in this way. 😛
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You should practice what you preach and say something of importance yourself.
 
This thread is going nowhere, and I am beginning to say things, such as the words from my last post, that I regret saying to anyone. I do not wish to express anger, even if the anger is justified. I would rather forgive offenses, and promote love to all people. So I am sorry for my last post.
I hope you all realize that Jesus does not tell us that it is wrong to share His Gospel at any time. We should speak His words of love to everyone, at all times. And with all love. No one, at any time, should be excluded from that.

Goodbye,
God bless,
Cherie
 
Jesus_N_Cherie said:
This thread is going nowhere, and I am beginning to say things, such as the words from my last post, that I regret saying to anyone. I do not wish to express anger, even if the anger is justified. I would rather forgive offenses, and promote love to all people. So I am sorry for my last post.
I hope you all realize that Jesus does not tell us that it is wrong to share His Gospel at any time. We should speak His words of love to everyone, at all times. And with all love. No one, at any time, should be excluded from that.

Goodbye,
God bless,
Cherie
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I do not believe that the thread was going nowhere… just possibly not where you wished it to go. What so many people have been telling Jellie has been in preparation for what she should do later. In order to be a good witness, her best relationship “configuration” is as friend. She need not leave his life, she need not be harsh. All that these people have been saying is that she should witness to him in a different situation, a healthy one. She should not stay in her current situation because it is not her role to be there, if she wishes to do the work that she has been asking for help with.

As has been said before, she can spend months and years being an example, praying for him, and drawing him to Christ. If he wishes to do so, it is his choice. That, dear friend, is what free will is all about. He can stay with her and she can show him love. She must not worry about a potential breaking off of the relationship due to another girl, because that is not under her control.

Everyone here can forgive your posts, as some of us hope you forgive us ours. We understand that it is never bad to promote the Gospel, but we also recognize that it is not right to stay in certain situations, when we could be more effectively doing our primary job (spreading the Word) in another way.

Let us not exclude this young man; rather, let us all pray fervently for his conversion and invite him to read good books, watch good videos, and attend Mass… but let us do so as his friends in Christ.

Yours in Christ,
Daniel
 
After reading more of this thread (I come back every few days - and am happy to see, you, Jellie, have come back to read it! :D), I wanted to say a couple more things…

There’s a HUGE difference in “He won’t press me because he knows where I stand regarding physical intimacy” and “He and I both agree to live out our lives chastely in this relationship.”

He may not be pressing you now, but guaranteed (if he is a normal guy and I don’t mean that negatively), he will some time down the road because he doesn’t believe as you do about the sacredness and dignity of the human person. Why wait around for that conflict? It’ll just end up hurting you all the more.

Jellie, it’s obviously completely your choice and you seem to have made up your mind, but I do want to reiterate what others have said - why wait for that “bad decision” to end it with him? Each day you are in a relationship that is going nowhere is one more day that you become more attached to him. It’s like building up a brick wall with no cement. Each day equals a brick and the more you add, when you are standing underneath that wall and it falls, it’s going to hurt all the more. Each physical touch, even when it’s not pushing limits or sinful at all, still connects you to him and bonds you with him - even something as small as a hug or holding hands. Why? Because you LIKE him! When you like someone, you get joy out of those “little” things :). Not a bad thing when you’re with someone who hopefully will become your spouse, but not as fun if you’re in a relationship that ends. Now, I just wanted to say also that it’s obviously not the strong bond that two people who are physically intimate would have, but it still is strong. Plus, the attitude of “I’ll just stick it out b/c I like him” is probably not going to end the moment he makes a bad decision. You’ve already shown that by staying with him when he said such a disrespectful thing to you out of anger towards someone else. You’re buying his excuse. Not that he’s not worthy of forgiveness - the opposite is true, but I’m just showing you that your statement of him making a bad decision has already happened with that (and with the continued use of pornography).

It just sounds like you’re settling - and I’m not getting that from the situation itself, but from what you said in your last post. And it breaks my heart to think that…
 
Jesus_N_Cherie said:
This thread is going nowhere, and I am beginning to say things, such as the words from my last post, that I regret saying to anyone.
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Your reaction was perfectly natural.

It is Jellie’s reaction to the same words, that I worry about. She should have lost her temper and reacted the same way you did, if the relationship were healthy.

Instead, she is justifying him.
 
This may have been addressed already. I didn’t read everything.

Jellie,

Ask him how he would feel if any of the people involved in porn were his mother? father? sister? brother? cousin? aunt? uncle?..I think you get the drift. If any of these people bring out an urge in him to say:yuck!, tell him that standard should go for everyone.
 
WOW, I didn’t read the whole thread before I posted the last time, and I must say I am surprised at some of the people chastising those of us offering sound advice!

To argue that she needs to stay with him because his salvation depends on her being in his life is absolutely ridiculous and unhealthy.

Look up codependency, folks! I am codependent so I know codependency and arguments from codependents when I see them!
 
Alycin said:
WOW, I didn’t read the whole thread before I posted the last time, and I must say I am surprised at some of the people chastising those of us offering sound advice!

To argue that she needs to stay with him because his salvation depends on her being in his life is absolutely ridiculous and unhealthy.

Look up codependency, folks! I am codependent so I know codependency and arguments from codependents when I see them!
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Thank you for that note of common sense. Yes, that’s exactly the word that fits, here - “co-dependency.”
 
jmcrae said:
Your reaction was perfectly natural.

It is Jellie’s reaction to the same words, that I worry about. She should have lost her temper and reacted the same way you did, if the relationship were healthy.

Instead, she is justifying him.
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I don’t lose my temper that easily. I totally agree with Jesus N Cherie. I was gone for so long because I got sick of reading it all. I’m only here now because it’s summer and there’s not much else to do.

Sorry you take my defending my boyfriend’s ability to be a good boyfriend as “justifying”. It’s just that everyone’s against him, and he truly is a really good person. None of ya’ll know him. I know him really well, so i’m just trying to explain.

I don’t know what’s going to come of our relationship. We might get married, I don’t know. I just don’t think it matters that much. He might break my heart, but so could a good catholic boy. You run that risk in any relationship. We might end on good terms. You don’t know and I don’t know. Ok I know his bad habits add to the risk, but in my life he is the best guy I’ve found, and the only one I want to be with right now, so it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I’m not settling being with him. I’ve had girls tell me that I’m so lucky because he’s the perfect guy. Of course they don’t have the same standards as me, but even though he’s not completely perfect he’s still the man I want.

I really don’t take ya’ll seriously anymore. Sorry. I really do appriciate all of the prayers though. It’s the best thing that’s come out of this post.
 
jellie89 said:
I don’t lose my temper that easily. I totally agree with Jesus N Cherie. I was gone for so long because I got sick of reading it all. I’m only here now because it’s summer and there’s not much else to do.

Sorry you take my defending my boyfriend’s ability to be a good boyfriend as “justifying”.
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Jellie, good people, and especially good boyfriends, don’t look at pornography, and don’t react to a serious conversation with put-downs - not even if they’re “mad at” someone else at the time.
It’s just that everyone’s against him, and he truly is a really good person. None of ya’ll know him. I know him really well, so i’m just trying to explain.
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Every time you explain, it gets worse and worse. So far, we haven’t seen even one redeeming characteristic, with this guy.
 
Everyone, I don’t think that she is going to listen… she has actually made that fairly clear. She is free to listen to the few, and she is free to make her own decisions. It may be a very big mistake, but we will not really be able to do much more for her at this point.

I suggest that we concentrate our posting efforts on other threads and pray hard for her and her boyfriend. That’s all that we can ever do, especially now that she has rejected our advice.

God bless us all, and may Mother Mary shield us under her mantle!

Peace!

Yours in Christ,
Daniel
 
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