How Can I Help My Sister?

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I have been growing spiritually and maturely for the past 4 years. Before I would get literally frustrated that my sister (who is now 18) would not give God His respect in His own home (the Church) during Mass or participate (as we are obliged to during Mass) to sing or say prayers (not of the priest’s).

Today, I am more prudent and more mature. One time she asked, I think it was around Christmas time or after, “How long will Mass be?” and I replied trying to help her understand that it doesn’t matter; “Does it matter?” and she did not go to Mass because she “Doesn’t like to go to Mass ‘pissed off’.”

This Sunday I wasn’t signed up to read or be an altar server and sat with my friend and my sister. My sister was leaning against the pew as if it were a lazy-boy chair. The procession was coming in and I told her “Give God the respect.” She got ‘pissed off’ and replied “Ahh! This is why I don’t like to come to Church!” And I got really heated inside. But said nothing. And I asked God and myself, “Why do I still get mad that she acts that way?”

How can I help her to understand that she needs to give God reverence and devotion in His house and Mass?

NOTE: She doesn’t take anything from my parents or me. Whenever we tell her that she needs to do this or that for God and for her to help herself, she ALWAYS gets ‘pissed off’ when we tell her what to do. She hardly prays at all. And is always mad.
I sometimes feel I understand Jesus when He said that a prophet isn’t accepted in his own hometown.

Pray with me to Our Lady and God to help the anger and resentment that has overshadowed her heart be shun with the Light of the Holy Spirit and God.
 
Your role with your sister intrigues me. Now that she is legally an adult, she needs to learn to form her own opinions about things, rather than just react negatively toward others’. I’m interested in your age relative to hers, and what your relationship is outside of the Church issue, to know whether you are in a position where you should even be trying to help her. Have your parents asked for help in this regard?

I think the first way to help her is to establish communication with her such that you are not talking down to her. What I mean is this: in your example of asking “does it matter,” was not really a question but an accusation, seeing as how it does matter to her or she wouldn’t have asked. If you had said, “probably less than an hour,” or even, “I’m not sure because it varies,” then you might have been better off. In other words, either answer the question or not, but don’t put her down for having asked the question because that further alienates you from her and does nothing to gain you any authority for her. It isn’t so much in the question, “does it matter?” but in the unspoken presuppositions that go with that question, which are: “you should not be asking this question; you should be very ashamed of yourself.”

She may be craving for spirituality, and not know how to express herself – so it’s prudent for you to learn communication techniques that will allow her to express herself while leaving things open for discussion. One book that helped me (it’s out of print, but don’t get the sequels) is called, “the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense” by Suzette Haden Elgin. It shows how people who love each other can spar because of their tone of voice and the presuppositions to what they say – and how to avoid doing it.

Sure she doesn’t take anything, because like many kids these days she feels like she’s being preached to, or put down, or in other ways restricted. At this point she’s built up quite a resistance so the shell is thick. 😦
Pray with me to Our Lady and God to help the anger and resentment that has overshadowed her heart be shun with the Light of the Holy Spirit and God.
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I will do so.

I will also pray that you will find peace with her so that you can be a great witness to her. 🙂

Alan
 
Keep praying for your sister and out of charity admonish her - as long as you are not being harsh with her you’ll be helping her to see her fault. Remember, admonishing the sinner is a spiritual work of mercy…it is charity.
 
She is an adult and she knows the difference between right and wrong. If she did not know about God then it would be a different story. In this case she knows what she is doing. My friend used to behave in a similar way until she lost her Mom. Continue to teach her what right because that is your duty but if she doesn’t listen to you, don’t force her. Pray for her and ask God to soften her heart and open her eyes so she can see.
 
This has been good advice, especially from Alan.

Keep in mind also that reverence is not in the way people sit. Really as long as she stands when she is supposed to stand, sit when she is supposed to sit, and kneel when she is supposed to kneel, whatever she chooses to do after, as long as it does not impede the worship of others or distract others during Mass is ok. Often we want people to act in a way that we find reverent. This can vary however, and it is important to know that the most important thing is that your sister maximize her experience at Mass, even if this means laying back like she is on a laz-e-boy.:rolleyes:
 
Wow. Thanks you guys. Praise God for helpers :] I am 21.

Well I think one thing is that, in my family (from my mom’s side) we have a tone that seems as if we are speaking angrily. lol I apologized to her after responding with “Does it matter?” letting her know that I wasn’t being mean.

I don’t mean to humble her or make her feel like I am talking down to her. It’s been like this for about 3 years. She used to be an altar server for almost 10 years but quit because she got bored. I asked for help because I want to be able to show her with my actions and testimony of life that she shouldn’t be that way. I guess with our family, I have come to realize that we will --humanly-- treat them different than strangers. I heard a preacher say that how we are hypocrites because to our family members we don’t ask for things, we command for them or call for them. But to others from Church we ask them for things, and kindly even. Or say things like ‘Thank You’ and ‘Excuse Me’ to others and to our family its ‘Get out of my way!’ or ‘Move!’. And that really stuck to me.

Thank you all for your advice :]

:blessyou:
 
It sounds like you have a great attitude on the matter. I have no further concerns.

Alan
 
I pray that everything works out. You and your sister will be in my prayers.
 
I will share my opinion. It might not be something you want, but I can relate to your sister, thus understanding her situation a bit more. (perhaps) I am also an atheist, I hope that does not offend you or anything…(try to ignore that, and just read my post as its own idea)

Anyways, so you enjoy church, right? You think it is amazing to be among other believers, and praying in the house of god. (I assume) But not everyone is like that. Other people just see a room with people repeating the same things over, and over every single time.

I, and most likely your sister, are among those people. You see, it is really hard to make some one like something they don’t get. I assume she has always been forced to church, thus making church an unhappy, boring place to be. (things don’t tend to work out, if you force them out) She simply doesn’t understand the reason behind it.

If you want to make her enjoy church, you first have to make her believe the idea behind it. (so that she doesn’t just see an old man talking about boring things) And I don’t mean just telling her everything you believe of the church, (I am sure she is aware) but truly make her mind connect with the beliefs, so that it makes sense to her. Try to reason with her, and give reasons to believe the things you believe. The worst thing (based on my experience) what you could say would be something like this; “You have to go to church! If you don’t, god wont love you, and you will go to hell!” This just makes her more sure that you are simply forcing her to attend church.

I personally could not see the reasoning behind attending church. 🤷 (I had a more detailed thread about my old faith) Some believers told me, that I see the church too much of a logical theory, just another hypothesis waiting to be backed up with proof. This was indeed the case, and because my mind happens to work like that, I couldn’t and still can’t enjoy church at all. In these kinds of situations, you can’t really do much, for she simply can not ever enjoy church. (her reason might be something totally different, but if you can’t argue with her in a way she understands, the result is the same)

I suggest you simply ask her why she doesn’t enjoy church, and try to argue with her based on the reply. (and again, don’t simply shout back replies, but try to speak in a way she can connect)

I hope you reply, and tell me what you think of my post. 🙂
 
Do for your sister the best we can do for anyone- have a Mass offered for her.
 
Thanks NotReligious for your response. :]

When I began my journey with Christ, I guess it happens to everyone, they want everyone to feel like they do. Sometimes in the beginning I would force her to be reverent. (not in a physical way)

But after a while I just let her do her. She changed, began to be hard of heart and totally opposite of the person she used to be. I used to feel guilty because I felt it was my fault, but I came to realize, I am not in charge of her mind or will. She’s one of the reasons I came to understand the Free-Will that God gives us.

And ever since then, my concern has been to grow spiritually and in prudence and also in living out my Catholic Christianity in a way that she can say “Wow, I want to live my Catholic Christianity that way.” And praise God for it.

She was never forced to Church really. We would remind her to not miss Sunday Mass. But we wouldn’t say it or else you’re going to hell lol We would tell her “So that you can grow with God.” Today is not so different. And we don’t hold her against it. We just simply ask her, “How come you didn’t attend Mass?”

I know why she doesn’t like to go. They are “hypocrites” she says and very angrily I must add. And I respond with why do you judge them all in general? And she just says “Ahh! Whatever.”

I do actually offer Mass for her. But I think I will do it for the Mass intention here and there.

Thank you all again for your responses.
 
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