How can i help others when i can't breathe myself?

[AveSantaMaria]

In all events of life, you must recognize the Divine will. Adore and bless it, especially in the things which are the hardest for you.

In my greatest sufferings, it seems to me that I no longer have a mother on this earth, but a very compassionate one in Heaven.

Remember that God is within us when we are in a state of grace and outside of us when we are in a state of sin; but His angel never abandons us… He is our most sincere and faithful friend even whe sadden him with our bad behavior.

Prayer is the best weapon we possess. It is the key that opens the heart of God.

You must always humble yourself lovingly before God and before men, because God speaks only to those who are truly humble and He enriches them with His gifts.

Humility and purity are the wings which carry us to God and make us almost divine.

Hold on tightly to the Rosary. Be very grateful to the Madonna because it was she who gave us Jesus.

Love our Lady and make her loved; always recite the Rosary and recite it as often as possible.

Imagine Jesus crucified in your arms and on your chest, and say a hundred times as you kiss His chest, “This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul; nothing will ever separate me from His love.”

Stay with me, Lord, for as poor as my soul is I want it to be a place of consolation for You.

Love Jesus, love Him very much, but to do this, be ready to love sacrifice more.

Our Lord sends the crosses; we do not have to invent them.

Charity is the measure by which Our Lord judges all things.

Don’t allow any sadness to dwell in your soul, for sadness prevents the Holy Spirit from acting feely.

It would be well to remember that the graces and consolations of prayer are not waters of this earth but of Heaven. Therefore, all our efforts are not sufficient to make them fall, even though it be necessary to prepare oneself with great diligence.

Our present life is given only to gain the eternal one and if we don’t think about it, we build our affections on what belongs to this world, where our life is transitory. When we have to leave it we are afraid and become agitated. Believe me, to live happily in this pilgramage, we have to aim at the hope of arriving at our Homeland, where we will stay eternally. Meanwhile we have to believe firmly that God calls us to Himself and follows us along the path towards Him. He will never permit anything to happen to us that is not for our greater good. He knows who we are and He will hold our His paternal hand to us during difficulties, so that nothing prevents us from running to Him swiftly. But to enjoy this grace we must have complete trust in Him.

The more you are afflicted, the more you ought to rejoice, because in the fire of tribulation the soul will become pure gold, worth to be placed and to shine in the heavenly palace.

In the spiritual life, you must take one step forward each day in a vertical line, from the bottom up.

Some people are so foolish that they think they can go through life without the help of the Blessed Mother.

Our Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. This weight seems unbearable but you carry it because in His love and mercy, the Lord helps you and gives you strength.

You must not be discouraged or let yourself become dejected if your actions have not succeeded as perfectly as you intended. What do you expect? We are made of clay and not every soil yields the fruits expected by the one who tills it. But let us always humble ourselves and acknowledge that we are nothing if we lack the Divine assistance.

When Jesus wants to make me happy, He fills my heart with that spirit which is all fire, and speaks to me about His delights; but when He wants to be consoled, He speaks to me about His pains, and invites me in a manner that is both a request and a command, to offer my body to alleviate His sufferings.

I have worked and I want to work. I have prayed and I want to pray. I have kept watch and I want to keep watch. I have cried and I want to cry - always for all of my brothers who are in exile. I know and understand that this is very little but this is what I know how to do; this is what I am able to do; and this is all that I can do.

As gifts increase in you, let your humility grow, for you must consider that everything is given to you on loan.

Keep your eyes fixed on Him who is your guide to the heavenly country, where He is leading you. What does it matter to you whether Jesus wishes to guide you to Heaven by way of the desert or by the meadow, so long as He is always with you and you arrive at the possession of a blessed eternity?

You must concentrate on pleasing God alone, and if He is pleased, you must be pleased.

In the first place, I want you to know that Jesus needs someone to mourn with Him for human wickedness. This is why he leads me along the sorrowful paths. But blessed be His charity forever. He knows how to combine the bitter with the sweet and convert the fleeting pains of this life into eternal happiness.

If God wills to prolong our trials, do not let us lament or try to find out the reason… We have to see God through the fire of thorns, and to do this we must go barefoot and renounce our own will and affection and accept the will of God wholeheartedly.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Do you know what religion is? It is a school in which every soul must be trained, smoothed and polished by the Holy Spirit, who acts as a physician to our souls, until well smoothed and polished, they can be united and joined to the will of God… Religion is an infirmary for the spiritually sick, who wish to be cured and must therefore undergo the pains of surgery.

You ought to ask our Lord for just one thing, to love Him. All the rest should be thanksgiving.

Never fall back on yourself alone, but place all your trust in God and don’t be too eager to be set free from your present state. Let the Holy Spirit act within you. Give yourself up to all His transports and have no fear. He is so wise and gentle and discreet that He never brings about anything but good. How good this Holy Spirit, this Comforter, is to all, but how supremely good He is to those who seek Him.

I know that your spirit is always wrapped in the darkness of trials, but it is enough for you to know that Jesus is with you and in you.

How many times I have entrusted to this Mother (the Virgin Mary) the painful anxieties of my heart. And how many times she has consoled me… With what great attention she accompanied me to the altar this morning. It seemed to me that she had nothing else to think about but me, filling my heart with holy sentiments. I felt a mysterious fire in my heart, which I could not understand. I felt the need to put ice on it in order to extinguish the fire that was consuming me.

Jesus, who is infintely merciful, will not fail to give you now and then a respite from the trial He has sent you. He is so good that He will never allow you to give in. The trial is a very hard one, but the Lord who is so very, very good will not fail to lighten the Cross from time to time.

Souls are not given as a gift; they are bought. Don’t you know what they cost Jesus? They must be paid for with the same coin.

In our thoughts and in confession, we must not dwell on sins that were previously confessed. Because of our contrition, Jesus forgave them at the tribunal of penitence. It was there that He faced us and our destitution, like a creditor standing before an insolvent debtor. With a gesture of infinite generosity, He tore up and destroyed the promissory notes which we signed with our sins, and which we would certainly not have been able to pay without the help of His Divine clemency.

Let us therefore, love to quench our thirst at this fountain of living water and go forward all the time along the way of divine love. But let us also be convinced that our souls will never be satisifed here below. In fact it would be disastrous for us, if at a certain stage of our journey, we were to feel satisifed, for it would be a sign that we thought we had reached our goal, and in this we would be deceived.

May your whole life be spent in giving thanks to the Divine Spouse… Live for Him and let your entire life be spent for Him. Hand over to Him your departure and the departure of others from this earth - when, where, and as He wills.

He wants you entirely for Himself. He wants you to place all your turst and all your affection in Him alone.

And if our wretchedness saddens us, if our ingratitude for God terrorizes us, if the memory of our faults hinders us from presenting ourselves to God our Father, let us then have recourse to Mary our Mother. She is all sweetness, mercy, goodness, and love for us because she is our Mother.

Let us ask the Lord to send us death when His grace is with us, when we are surrounded by Him, His Mother and Saint Joseph, after having completed our purgatory here on earth.

The souls that suffer the most are favorites of the Sacred Heart; and you may rest assured that Jesus has chosen your soul to be the favorite of His adorable heart. You must hide yourself in this Heart; in this Heart you must give vent to your ardent desires, in this Heart you must live out the days that Providence will grant you; in this Heart you must die when the Lord so wishes.

We shall not see each other again in this world; but when I am no longer here, do not forget me in your prayers before the Almighty and I shall continue as your guide from Heaven.

gay men go to monasteries to pray for the world and live in chastity. If straight men can live in chastity, why not gay men as well.

Don’t worry about anything.

Pray, hope, don’t worry!

 

[AveSantaMaria]

“The one who prays a lot saves himself. The one who prays little is in danger. The one who does not pray loses his soul.” St. Padre Pio

St. Padre Pio “Here we are at last in the month of our beautiful Mother once again… This dear Mother continues to lavish her maternal care upon me, especially during the present month. She takes care of me to an exceeding degree… I am all aflame although there is no fire. I feel myself held fast and bound to the Son by means of this Mother… I’d like to fly off to invite all creatures to love Jesus and Mary.”

“Love our Lady, make others love her. Always say your Rosary and say it well. Satan always tries to destroy this prayer, but he will never succeed. It is the prayer of her who triumphs over everything and everyone.”

Sister Lucy of Fatima. “She has given this efficacy to such an extent that there is no problem; no matter how difficult it is, whether temporal or above all, spiritual, in the personal life of each one of us, of our families, of the families of the world, or of the religious communities, or even of the life of peoples and nations, that cannot be solved by the Rosary.”

Excerpt from Vie par elle-meme by St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, to whom was revealed the Devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. “The Blessed Virgin has always taken great care of me. I had recourse to her in all my necessities and she has preserved me from great dangers. I did not dare address myself to her divine son, but only to her, and I often presented her with the little crown of the rosary, which I said on my bare knees, or genuflecting and kissing the ground at every Ave Maria.” episcopalacademy.org/drum/trea/TREA5-06/Wrighttrea06a.pdf To the best of my horribly imperfect knowledge, she like St. Therese of Liseux devoted their lives to Christ after being healed by Mary of childhood illnesses.

St. Faustina’s Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul Notebook #1, #32 Another time I heard these words, Go to the Superior and ask her to allow you to make a daily hour of adoration for nine days. During this adoration try to unite yourself in prayer with My Mother. Pray with all your heart in union with Mary, and try also during this time to make the Way of the Cross. I received the permission, though not for a full hour, but for whatever time was left me after I had carried out my duties. saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS1.shtml She also started off by the direct leading of God in a Marian convent, the Congregation of the Sisters of Our Lady of Mercy.

From His Holiness Pope John Paul II in the link that I posted earlier by His Holiness Pope John Paul II on True Devotion to Mary * "I myself, in the years of my youth, found reading this book a great help. “There I found the answers to my questions”, for at ope point I had feared that if my devotion to Mary “became too great, it might end up compromising the supremacy of the worship owed to Christ” (Gift and Mystery). Under the wise guidance of St. Louis Marie, I realized that if one lives in the mystery of Mary in Christ, the risk does not exist. In fact, this Saint’s Mariological thought “is rooted in the mystery of the Trinity and in the truth of the Incarnation of the Word of God” *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Excerpted reading from Mystical City of God. [Link to this book is on the previous page] Its intimate wonderful details of the most holy being. The saint who wrote it: St. Mary of Agreda, was so scared of writing it even under direct orders that she actually burned it when one day she had a different confessor than her original one who was suspicious of the work. Then she had to rewrite it - she wrote it almost word for word with very few changes. And it is very very long - I’m not sure how long as I’ve just recently started reading it, but perhaps 2000 or so pages.

The Most High opened the liberal hands of His Omnipotence and his other attributes, in order to enrich the most sacred humanity and the soul of Christ with the highest possible plentitude of his gifts and graces. Then was fulfilled what afterward David said: “The stream of the river maketh the city of God joyful” (Ps. 45,5)

1. To this instant also, and, as it were, in natural sequence, pertain the decree and predestination of the Mother of the Divine Word incarnate; for here, I understand, was ordained that pure Creature before aught else whatever. Thus, before all other creatures, was She conceived in the divine mind, in such manner and such state as befitted and became the dignity, excellence and gifts of the humanity of her most holy Son. To her flowed over, at once and immediately, the river of the Divinity and its attributes with all its impetuosity, in as far as a mere creature is capable and as is due to the dignity of the Mother of God.

1. O what tears flowed from my eyes, and what sorrowful astonishment possessed my soul, to see that divine prodigy not acknowledge and that wonder of the Most High not manifest to all the mortals. Much is known of it, but much more is unknown, as this sealed book as not been opened. I am ravished in the perception of this tabernacle of God and I perceive that the Author of it is more admirable in her creation, than in that of all the rest of the world, although the diversity of the creatures manifests the wonderful power of their Creator. In this Queen alone are comprehended and contained more treasures than in all the rest of things joined together, and the variety and the preciousnes of her riches honor the Lord above all the multitudes of the other creatures.

1. Here (according to our way of understanding) the promise and, as it were, the contract was made with the Word as to the degree of sanctity, and perfection and the gifts and graces, which were to be possessed by Mary his Mother. Also as to the protection, support and defense, which was to be provided for this true City of God, in which his Majesty contemplated the graces and merits, which She earned for Herself, as well as the fruits to be gathered for his people by the loving returns, which She was to make to his Majesty. In the same instant, and as it were in the third and last place, God determined to create a locality and an abode, where the incarnate Word and his Mother should converse and dwell. For them primarily did He create the heaven and earth with its stars and elements and all that is contained in them. Secondarily, the intention and decree included the creation of the members, of which Jesus was to be the Head, and of whom He would be the King; in order that with kingly providence, all the necessary and befitting arrangements might be made beforehand.

1. I pass over to the fifth instant, although in reality I have found that, which I sought. In this fifth decree, the creation of the angelic nature which is more excellent and more like unto the spiritual being of the Divnity, was determined upon, and at the same time the division or arrangement of the angelic hosts into nine choirs and three hierarchies, was provided and decreed. As they are created first of all for the glory of God, to assist before his divine Majesty and to know and love Him, so secondarily they are ordained to assist, glory and honor, reverence and serve the deified humanity of the eternal Word, recognizing Him as Head, and honoring Him also in his Mother, the most holy Mary, Queen of these same angels. Commission was given to these angels, “to bear them up in their hands” in all their ways (Ps. 90, 12). In this instant Christ our Lord earned for them by his infinite merits, present and foreseen, all the grace which they were to receive. He was constituted as their Head, Exemplar and supreme King, of whom they should be subjects. Even if the number of angels had been infinite, the merits of Christ our highest Good, would be abundantly sufficient to supply them all with grace.

1. To this instant belongs also the predestination of the good, and the reprobation of the bad angels. God saw in it, by means of his infinite science, all the works of the former and of the latter and the propriety of predestinating, b his free will and by his merciful liberality, those that would obey and give honor, and of reprobating by his justice those who would rise up against his Majesty in pride and disobedience on account of their disordered selflove. In the same instant also was decreed the creation of the empryrean heaven, for the manifestation of his glory and the reward of the good; also the earth and other heavenly bodies for the other creatures; moreover also in the center or depth of the earth, hell, for the punishment of the bad angels.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

1. In the sixth instant was decreed the creation of a people and congregation of men for Christ, who was already formed in the divine mind and will, and according to whose image and likeness man was to be made, in order, that the incarnate Word might find brethren, similar but inferior to Himself and a people of his own nature, of whom He might be the Head. In this instant was determined the order of the creation of the whole human race, which was to begin from one man and woman and propagate itself, until the Virgin and her Son should be born in the predestined order. On account of the merits of Christ, our Savior, the graces and gifts were prearranged, and also original justice, if they would only preserve it. The fall of Adam was foreseen and in him that of all others, except of the Queen, who did not enter into this decree. As a remedy was it ordained, that the most holy humanity should be capable of suffering. The predestined were chosen by free grace, and the foreknown were reprobated with exact justice. All that was convenient and necessary for the conservatin of the human race and for obtaining the end of the Redemptrion and the Predestination, was preordained, without interfering with the free will of men; for such ordainment was more conformable to God’s nature and to divine equity. There was no injustice done to them, for if with their free will they could sin, so also could they abstain from sin by means of grace and the light of reason. God violated the right of no one, since He forsook no one nor denied to any one that which is necessary. Since his law is written in the hearts of men, nobody is excused for not knowing and loving Him as the highest Good of all creation.

1. In the perception of these mysteries I saw with great clearness and force the high motives which caused God to manifest and magnify Himself and which should induce men to praise and adore the greatness of the Creator and Redeemer of all. I also saw how tardy they are in the acknowledgment of these obligations and in making return for these benefits; and I was made aware of the complaints and the indignation of the Most High on account of this forgetfulness. His Majesty commanded and exhorted me not to be guilty of such ingratitude, but to offer Him a sacrifice of praise, and a new song, and that I magnify Him in the name of all creatures.

1. O most high and incomprehensible Lord! Would that I had the love and the perfections of all the angels and the just in order to confess and praise worthily thy greatness! I acknowledge, great and mighty Lord, that such a vile creature as I cannot merit the memorable benefit of receiving this clear and exalted knowledge and light containing thy exalted Majesty. At the sight of thy greatness I perceived my littleness, which before that happy hour was unknown to me; and I was ignorant of the greatness and excellence of the virtue of humility, which is learnt in this cience. I do not wish to say that I now possess that virtue, but neither can I deny that I have been shown the certain path which leads to it. Thy light, O most high Lord, illumines me and thy lamp shows me the paths (Ps. 118, 105) so that I see what I have been and what I am, and fear what I may become to be. Thou hast lighted up, most high King, my understanding and inflamed my will with its most exalted object. Thou hast entirely drawn me on to seek Thee, and I wish to make this known to all mortals in order that they may leave me in peace and I them: I am for my Beloved (Cant. 2, 16), and (although I am unworthy), my Beloved is for me. Strengthen then, O Lord, my weakness that I may run after Thee, and reaching Thee, I may never leave Thee or lose Thee.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

I do hope you consider attending the Courage meetings in your local area. I am hoping but do not know yet if it will be possible for me to go to the Courage/EnCourage conference this summer in Pennsylvania as I hope to be trained in how to be an ally/friend/encourager and to learn to love more and perhaps grow in any brokenness. I may not be able to go because of career/school reasons. These conferences ought to be really wonderful things, and if you lack the finances maybe your priest through the Church might be able to help.

You remain in my prayers.

Maybe try to focus on Christ - try to forget yourself - forget whether you are good, bad, whatever - maybe just don’t think about it and focus on knowing as much as you can about Christ and Mary and praying to Jesus * through* Mary as often as possible

 

[xAlisonx]

AveSantaMaria–
i don’t think words could ever be enough to fully thank you for how amazing you have been to me. all of your encouragement and support means so much to me, especially the fact that you care enough to take the time to type out lengthy posts whenever i need help. i thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, and will definitely keep you in my constant thoughts and deepest prayers.

what’s interesting is that last night, as i was helplessly laying in bed trying my hardest not to have an emotional breakdown, i decided that i wasn’t going to dwell on what i was feeling, but offer it up to Jesus for love of Him, as well as for the conversion of sinners and the good of the souls in Purgatory. it never even occurred to me that this would make it go away, but as soon as i finished praying a short prayer offering up my suffering, i immediately felt so much better. i’m still experiencing the lingering aftereffects, which sometimes last for a while, and i’m somewhat stressed, but not nearly in as bad a state as i’ve been for the past couple of days. as soon as i stopped focusing on myself and what i was going through, i literally felt an enormous burden being lifted from my soul–which is something that i will definitely keep in mind when i inevitably go through this again.

i will definitely continue praying. i’ve begun praying the Divine Mercy chaplet daily not only for myself, but for my friends, family and all the people i’ve encountered whose names i can remember. i intend to begin praying the Rosary daily not only for myself, but for the conversion of all the people i know who don’t have God in their lives. i don’t sleep as much as i should because school doesn’t give me enough time during the day to pray, so i usually pray at night. i’ve begun keeping a prayer journal where i write down my thoughts and experiences and drawings, and it’s helped immensely. if i stay with my schedule, i usually end up praying for about four hours each night, mostly formulaic prayers, although i will start having an hour of mental prayer each night as well. then, hopefully not falling asleep, i intend to begin praying the Rosary, and then i plan to start reading the Bible for an hour each morning, beginning with the New Testament, before writing in my journal for an hour before i have to get up for school.

thank you so much beyond words, AveSantaMaria, for your beautiful, lengthy, immensely helpful posts and for your faithful prayers. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

Try listening to the audio from the following websites.

wordonfire.org
peterkreeft.com

Also listen to Father Corapri on EWTN if you can.

When times are tough for me I listen to these guys who can inspire to fight through the tough times. Hope it helps.

rambo.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond. i don’t watch TV, but i will definitely check out those websites you suggested. thank you. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

KrazyKaiju.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond.

i’m so sorry beyond words that you’re suffering so much in college, which is something i’m definitely looking forward to (i definitely plan to attend a Catholic university). i will definitely be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. the college i plan to go to, St. Francis in Pennsylvania, is much smaller than most universities, so i don’t think i’ll have that problem as much. i do admire you so much, though, for wanting to spread God’s message of love and community, and for working so hard to accomplish that goal. unfortunately, at times very few people can be open to the message of God’s Love, so at times all that we can truly do is pray for those who have closed their hearts and minds to God’s Truth and Love. i would definitely suggest that you pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet (ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm) and Rosary - if you have the time and energy, of course - for each person who you know needs God in his or her life. that’s what i plan to do beginning tonight, and i hope and pray - and trust - that it will lead to beautiful results and miracles in these precious people’s lives. for those who struggle with the sin of arrogance, i would definitely suggest praying for them. i’m so sorry that you’ve experienced the pain of rumors - again, i will definitely keep you in my prayers. i will also pray that you find people whom you can relate to, who will help you and support you, and that your relationship with God deepens so that you can depend on Him in your times of need.

i will definitely pray for your roommates and for the people at your college as well. i’m so sorry that you’ve endured so much at college - i hope and pray that your college experience will grow better and become more fruitful soon. i can only imagine how busy you must be at the moment, but i definitely suggest taking the time - at night instead of sleeping, if you don’t have any other opportunity during the day - to pray, read the Bible, spend time with God, pray for these people, etc., which is your own way of fighting and spreading truth and hope on your campus. the more time you spend with God, the less stressed you will feel - i truly believe this. i will pray that you are able to find the time to do this, and that you soon see results. the more time you spend in prayer, i truly believe the more energy and strength of spirit you will experience, so that being a good person comes more naturally, and good deeds become more fruitful for God’s glory.

i’m so glad that things improved for you when you returned home. i’m also glad that you were able to return with a new sense of self and a new feeling of self-confidence. the more we love ourselves, i think, the more we are able to share God’s Love with others - which is why i struggle so much with not loving myself at all. i’m also so glad that you didn’t abandon God, but still kept time for Him in your life - this shows true commitment and love, and i admire you so much for it. if your college is offering little opportunity for spiritual growth, would it be possible for you to transfer to a religious college at this point in your college experience? i hope and pray that you find the answers and encouragement soon that you need.

 

[xAlisonx]

1. i do have very good friends - unfortunately, and this tears my heart apart, most of them are atheists or non-Christians, and it hurts so much to see them suffer without God’s Truth in their lives. because they aren’t able to relate to my faith, it’s hard for them to understand me, although because of my past, i am still able to relate to them in their darkness. my parents don’t really understand me - in fact, they wish that i wasn’t so religious, and even asked me once why i couldn’t be a normal teenager and not focus so much on religion! they are also extremely overprotective. i love them with all my heart, of course, but our relationship could be better in many ways. apart from my friends and parents, i do have a couple Christian friends who understand me - unfortunately, i don’t have the opportunity to talk to them often. that’s why i rely so much on this website, which is pretty much the only place where i know people who understand me and can relate to me and help me in my struggles with faith. of course there’s always God Who i can talk to anytime, and i’m slowly learning how to approach Him in my times of need and ask for His Help.
2. i find this a really good suggestion. because i’m feeling better today, i am able to see the good in myself, and will definitely pray for the grace to do what you said - to keep the good within me and deepen its impact on others, and to replace the weakness and sin in me with more graces that will help me be more fruitful for God’s glory, more loving, more humble, etc.
3. i do struggle with having a deep desire to ‘save the world’ at the age of sixteen, which grows incredibly difficult and stressful at times, but i will definitely pray for the strength and energy to do as much as i can to glorify God without neglecting spending time with Him, and without neglecting taking care of myself.
4. yes, Google is amazing. i am extremely interested in learning more about the saints, especially their lives, and about the dark night of the soul and suffering, so in the near future i will definitely look these up and see how i can learn and grow from these truths.

KrazyKaiju, thank you so much for taking the time to type out such a lengthy post, and for your great suggestions. i will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and pray that things improve for you at college. i hope and pray that you feel better after being able to vent a little, and that you are able to find people who understand, help and support you. remember, also, that God is always close beside you, waiting with open arms to receive you, so cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. don’t worry, your post wasn’t confusing at all - i’m just so sorry that you’ve suffered so much throughout your college experience.

i will try what you said, and during my quiet time, i won’t strive to hear God’s Voice, but will let His words simply come.

thank you so much. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself - and God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

Please know that God loves you. He wants to heal you, he has compassion on you. When others run out of patience for your problems, God doesn’t! He is still here for you… call on Him, pray to him, ask Him to heal you.

Coming Home.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond with such a beautiful post. i am feeling better today, and more receptive to God’s Love, although the lingering aftereffects of this recent depression still make it difficult for me to receive, accept and believe it completely. when i fall into these spiritual depressions, i find it difficult to ask God to heal me, or even to pray, first because i don’t feel worthy to live, let alone experience His love and healing, and second, because i feel abandoned by God during these times of darkness, as if He has turned His Face away from me and would rather not hear from someone as ‘worthless’ as me. these depressions can grow extremely severe, although i am slowly working through exposing the lies they are based on, and combating them with the Truth of God’s immense Love. thank you so much for your post - it warmed my heart, and made me smile. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
it’s very strange that you say this, because i heard something similar a week ago when i was talking with a very good adult friend associated with my youth group at a lock-in last weekend. he told me that he’s not psychic, but has a gift of telling things about people, and has a strong feeling that i will end up “doing amazing things” when i’m older and saving a lot of people. oh, i hope and pray that these words will come true! i feel weak and helpless now, but these words give me hope. i want so much to do “amazing things” for God’s glory, through my writing, art and missionary work, whatever He calls me to do and to be to spread His Word, hope and Love. i’ve always had a suspicion that the devil especially hates me and sees me as a threat. from the very beginning of my conversion back to Christianity, and then to Catholicism, i’ve experienced these breakdowns and spiritual depressions, and the amazing thing is that looking back, i’ve actually grown so much through my suffering, and it’s brought me so much closer to God. if i had not been through my past, and then through these depressions, i don’t think i would have so much empathy for others, and i don’t think i would be nearly as able to help them and lead them to the Lord. oh, what a gift these sufferings have been. i see it now so clearly. i feel so much better at the moment because i’m doing something very good for myself that i know will lead me closer to God and to healing—i’m moving from my misery at a secular high school to a Catholic high school very soon! today God turned some misery and self-hatred into hope and peace and joy simply through a discussion i had with my dad after i sinned terribly and made a major mistake. while i was crying, the lies came, but i decided that i wasn’t going to listen to them anymore, and that tomorrow will be a new beginning in hope as i live for Him and love Him as never before. i’m determined that i won’t let Satan rejoice over bringing me down anymore, and trust that as i pray to God to grant me the grace of strength to resist him, i will be able to grow even more through suffering and hopefully save souls through carrying my Cross faithfully. i’m not sure exactly how that works, but i’m determined that i’ll be one of the people faithfully crucified for love of Jesus that St. Faustina mentioned in her Diary. i feel amazing right now, and there is so much hope in my life at the moment. today God showed me just how much He can bring hope even from sin, suffering and mistakes, and i trust that He will bring beauty from my pain as well.

 

[xAlisonx]

i don’t know why i still feel so terribly about myself, when i was healed of so much in the moment that i gave my heart to Jesus on november 22, 2007. maybe it’s because of all the lies i read and believed when i was still struggling with homosexuality and bisexuality at the age of thirteen, going to websites that told me that God could never love my “disgusting, perverted” soul. maybe it’s because of all the ways i’ve been bullied and abused since the age of six for always being different in some tangible way. maybe it’s because i still haven’t completely let go of my past, or because of my perfectionism. whatever it is, i give it all up to Jesus now, and trust that He will continue to heal me in His Own time and His Own way. i doubt that i’ll ever be completely free of these spiritual depressions, but i do feel that they will have much less power over me as i focus not on myself, but of the Love and hope of Jesus.

i will definitely continue to stay strong in prayer, not only for myself, but for others. i would definitely fast, but my parents don’t allow me, and i don’t want to lie to them. i find it interesting that you’re identifying what my temptations may be, because they all seem to make complete sense and are completely what i’m struggling with. at times i’ve felt so desperate, even angry, with God, wondering why He didn’t love me enough to heal me from all that i’ve been through. i no longer feel that way at all, and i completely trust that He knows what He’s doing with me. i even read somewhere that in Heaven we will all thank God endlessly for the Crosses that we’ve been given, for there are no greater gifts. i just realized something – the spiritual depressions increased in intensity and frequency as soon as i converted back to Catholicism, and began to pray to become a Saint. He knows what He’s doing! i trust that completely. i trust Him completely. why didn’t i realize this before? it’s because i was blinded, but so much has happened today to set me free from so much. praise God! at times i was extremely tempted – to the point of having to sit on my hands to keep from hurting myself – to either cut myself because i deserved it, or to commit suicide because the world would be a better place without me, and so that i could go to Hell where i belonged. [these are the types of lies i believe(d) during my depressions. they can grow quite vicious.]

i will definitely read True Devotion to Mary, and learn as much as i can about growing closer to her. unfortunately, i’m not allowed on Youtube at the moment, but that might change quite soon, so i’ll keep you updated on how much i’m able to access that you’ve given me.

thank you so much beyond words, AveSantaMaria, for everything that you’ve been and done for me. i thank you from the bottom of my heart – words simply can’t be enough. thank you so much. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
thank you so much for all of the incredible resources you have given me! i have copied and pasted the ones i was able to access into a word document, and will read them and spend time with them as much as i can, whenever i have the time.

i hope and pray that i will soon learn humility. i struggle with far too much self-love and pride, and i hate it.

thank you so much, for everything.

e r i c k a.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond, and for your prayers. i will definitely continue to spend time on here and with God, but i will wait until i am in a more stable condition and have more time and energy to devote to praying for and helping the precious, broken souls on the self-injury support website. i do feel that i need to take some time to take care of myself, and the change i’ve recently made—the important decision to change from a secular high school to a Catholic one—should definitely help with this, and offers me so much hope for the future. i’m so sorry beyond words that you’ve struggled with bipolar and anxiety – i will definitely be sure to keep you in my prayers. i am feeling much better and have much more energy, but i think that remaining on this website should remain my top priority at the moment, so that i can grow closer to God and help others as well. that’s so true that once i get better, i will be able to help others find hope as well – thank you so much for the great suggestions. i will continue to be as strong in prayer as i can be, and will ask the Saints for their intercession and help. thank you so much, ericka—stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself, and God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Alison, it is wonderful, lovely, beautiful, joyful to hear that you are doing better and it definitely inspires me and increases my levels of hope! Imagine if all people suffering from the types of temptations you suffer from knew of the power of the Church and its influence on these sorts of things. My priest advised me though that I consult with a spiritual director before acts of self-sacrifice. I strongly suspect that you should let your spiritual director know everything about what you have been going through, etc., the advices you have decided to follow, how much you pray etc, and follow his advice - questioning and respectfully, lovingly, sacrificially, and powerfully confronting him with questions/suggestions if you believe God has a different intent for you than he wills. You will always be tempted and sometimes even certain acts of self-sacrifice are a temptation. Even for St. Maria Faustina, though Christ gave her a command, when she tried to pursue it outside of the will of Christ, in her confusion not knowing what his will was, that was later revealed as a deep temptation.

There is a very complex relationship between submission and obedience. St. Catherine of Siena, who had stigmata, one of the three female Doctors of the Church, was a third-order Dominican. (P.S. Interesting to me that all the female Doctors of the Church are under the most Marian orders, as Dominicans are a Rosary-spreading group and the Carmelites are under the protection of no known human founder, simply Our Lady of Mount Carmel and Elijah. ) She actually had to confront the Pope and tell him what he needed to do and advise him on his decisions at a very young age. Yet, she still remained under complete obedience and actually her death was to save the Church from future rupture - there were two Popes and she wanted the God ordained one to be always chosen and accepted.

Christ and Mary’s love is always with you I read somewhere that even in mortal sin, God may leave the soul but he still keeps his guardian angel for you very close by you

Quotes from St. Maria Faustina’s diary on this subject of openness, humility, and obedience

113 I would like to say three words to the soul that is determined to strive for sanctity and to derive fruit; that is to say, benefit from confession.

First word - complete sincerity and openness. Even the holiest and wisest confessor cannot forcibly pour into the soul what he desires if it is not sincere and open. An insincere, secretive soul risk great dangers in the spiritual life, and even the Lord Jesus Himself does not give Himself to such a soul on a higher level, because He knows it would derive no benefit from these special graces.

Second word - humility. A soul does not benefit as it should from the sacrament of confession if it is not humble. Pride keeps it in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is willing, to probe… the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery.

Third word - obedience. A disobedient soul win win no victory, even if the Lord Jesus himself, in person, were to hear its confession

1790 I have come to know that, in order for God to act in a soul, it must give up acting on its own; otherwise, God will not carry out His will in it.

140 Pure love… knows that only one thing is needed to please God: to do even the smallest things out of great love - love, and always love.

 

[John_Russell_Jr]

Dear Alison, Perhaps you can try to stop thinking about yorself andyour problems a little. I’m not being uncharitable, but I’ve had times when I felt quite bad and it’s a very natural response to become a bit self centred when we suffer. This was brought to my attention because I can be very self entred. It’s great to get outside of our head completely and spend time in someone elses head worrying about their problems. This will give you great relief if you can do it. Please feel free to talk about your struggles and ask for help and don’t ake me the wrong way. I’m simply offering some advice that will give you relief. I really struggle with self centrednes at times and know how great it is to go to self help groups or help other people because I forget all about myself and my problems, Perhaps it will work for you too.

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
i no longer struggle with homosexuality, although i still have some issues related to its role in my past, so i might consider going just to see what it is like and if anyone there can help me forgive myself and accept God’s forgiveness. it’s interesting that it’s located at villanova, because that’s one of the colleges i’m considering and soon plan to visit, so it might just be an amazing experience, one for me to tell my parents about. i will definitely consider it prayerfully—thank you so much for this resource. you are too good to me.

T r i s h i e.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond. i’m slowly but surely learning how to appreciate the good in me and use it for God’s glory, although the way i feel about myself depends far too much on what i’m feeling at the time, which i know isn’t healthy. i don’t know exactly why it’s so hard for me to love and care for myself—there could be a lot of reasons—but i am definitely praying for the strength to do it, and i trust that God will help me. i don’t love myself yet, but i do love things about myself, which is a huge improvement over what i used to feel, when i thought that there was nothing good in me, that i was worthless and a waste of breath and space. while i am still tempted to feel this way during my depressions, i’m beginning to identify all of the lies that i’ve believed for too long and praying for the grace to overcome them with the truth, in Jesus through Mary. i’m beginning to believe that it’s not really selfish to care for myself, as i can’t truly care for others until i learn how to truly love myself, and i want to make a positive influence on this broken world in some way, which i can’t truly do until i appreciate the positive within myself. i’ve decided that i’m going to focus on this website for now and growing closer to God, and return to the self-injury support forum when i feel more stable and have more energy and time. that’s the one thing that i’m going to focus on and do for now—this website.

thank you so much, trishie, for the absolutely beautiful prayers. i have pasted them into the word document where i keep all my daily prayers, and will begin to pray them both every day, trusting that God will answer them. thank you so much for everything, trishie—you also have been too kind to me, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. please know that i will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
i love that psalm so much! it’s very inspiring and comforting. thank you so much for sharing it with me.

T r i s h i e.
sometimes it’s extremely difficult for me to be kind to myself when all i want is to destroy myself like i ‘deserve’—the temptations that i have are incredible sometimes—but at the moment, i’m slowly learning how to take care of myself and put my own mental and spiritual health before taking care of others. not because i’m trying to be selfish, but because i’ve finally learned that until i truly love myself, i can’t really care for anyone else, and help them, as they deserve. it’s hard for me to pray for others, because i have so many intentions and so little time, but i think if i start to work out a schedule as i’ve been planning to do, i will be able to do more intercession and become less self-centered in prayer while still taking care of myself. thank you so much for your love and care.

J o h n R u s s e l l J r.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond. your post is incredibly inspiring, and nearly brought tears to my eyes. i have heard that in Heaven, we will want to endlessly thank God for all of the Crosses He has sent us, which will have turned out to truly be the greatest gifts, so i am learning to be thankful for my suffering, offering it up to Jesus and appreciating it as a gift God has given me in His Love. although it becomes incredibly difficult sometimes, to the point of having to sit on my hands to keep from hurting myself, i am determined not to let Satan win, and as i persevere in prayer and hope, i completely trust that God will give me the graces and strengths i need to remain close to Him. i will definitely persevere even in the darkest of times, for love of Jesus and for the sake of all the precious souls who need to be saved. i’m not sure exactly how that works, but to know that enduring my suffering will save souls gives me so much hope, and even more encouragement and strength to continue carrying this Cross even when i all i want to do is give up everything. thank you so much, John Russell Jr, for such a beautiful, inspiring and helpful post. God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[Trishie]

Dear Alison,
Your posts, your intimate attention to others shows that you are a deeply loving person, and a compassionate person, therefore a very beautiful person, and therfore also a person in whom the Spirit of God dwells…so you cannot be worthless.

Alison every now and then I respond to past hurts and negativities and have felt worthless, but little by little you can get past it. I know something can knock one out of the sky sometimes, a failure, a stupidity, an unkind word or a misjudgement from someone else.

I can happen to me, it can happen to lots of people especially if for instance in childhood there were things that make you doubt your loveability and worth. I pull out of it quickly but I haven’t always. The secret really, is to genuinely care about others…and yes to remind yourself God does love you even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like He does.

You are going to have to start rejecting self-talk like “I’m worthless” “I’m horrible” and whatever. It’s like programing a computer to spit those words back to you. They only confirm you in your negativity and self-rejection. I remember when I was in my late teens and I was trying to overcome negative self-talk, so while going from the state reference library where I worked, I’d swing along in the sunshine and say in my head as I walked along, in rhythm to my steps, “I’m young and stong and beautiful, and full of loving kindness.” Of course I didn’t think I was beautiful (ninny, I look back at the photos of that time and it’s a fresh, warm, innocent face, and I think, how silly, not to have known know the wholesome kind of youthful beauty we have when we’re young, but we also don’t recognise our inner beauty)

…and I have no doubt of your beauty within and without, so how about some positive self-talk, so you begin to get a more healthy perspective on yourself, and you know what, when you do you’ll forget about yourself more. You won’t worry so much how people see you, how you see yourself. You’ll be able to give more to other people without it exhausting yourself. And a healthy self image makes it okay to laugh at yourself, not take yourself so seriously, and have more fun…and it makes you more human, and to be truly human is to be truly holy because human beings are made in the image of God!

Wishing you the very best…Trishie

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
to answer your question about my parents – my relationship with them is usually amazing, but at times it can grow extremely difficult and stressful. i know that they only protect me because they love me and want the best for me, though i have to admit that it’s hard for me to realize that and remember it a lot of the time. it’s very difficult for me to talk with them about what i go through, because they wish that i wasn’t so religious and even asked me a few months ago why i couldn’t be a normal teenager, why i had to be so spiritual. if you could keep my parents in your prayers, that they lose their lukewarmness, i would truly appreciate that. it’s hard for me sometimes, to have parents who don’t understand or appreciate the suffering that is such a central theme of my life. i’m not angry with them, and i do my best to respect and love them at all times, although yesterday i wasn’t feeling normal yet and i have to admit that i gave them an attitude, which resulted in tears and an argument. God worked it out for the best, though, which i still find incredible, for during our discussion after the argument, i finally told them how miserable i’ve been at my secular high school, and we decided that i’m going to move to a Catholic high school within the next week. it’s not that my parents aren’t supportive or loving, because they are—incredibly so. when i was going through the darkness of my past, they endured so much for me, and i know that they’ve, amazingly, forgiven me for everything. it’s just that we have our struggles and our problems, as all families do—ours just happen to be centered around the differences in our levels of faith. i’m not trying to put my parents down—they are devoted Catholics, and i look back on how they refused to let me leave the Catholic Church when i considered myself nondenominational evangelical, and thank them from the bottom of my heart for it. it was because of their perseverence—and most likely their prayers—that i was led back to the complete Truth of the Catholic Faith, and i can never thank them enough. it’s just that they’re not as religious as i am, and i worry about them a lot of the time, which is why i soon plan to devote a Divine Mercy chaplet and Rosary for their salvation. that’s a very interesting concept, that because i don’t feel comfortable coming to my parents, i don’t feel comfortable coming to Jesus. now that i think about it, it is hard for me to come to Him when i’m struggling, especially since one of my temptations is to believe that God doesn’t want to hear from me and would rather have me just disappear. (the things i believe at times!) that’s definitely something that i will think about in my prayer journal—thank you for bringing it up, and no, i was definitely not offended. i’m completely open about my life, faith and experiences, so you don’t ever have to worry about offending me in any way.

i think you hit my reason for perfectionism right on the mark. i no longer struggle with homosexuality, but because it was a central theme of my past, i still feel as if i have to ‘make up’ for it, and all of the terrible mortal sins i committed when i was in darkness. it’s so hard for me sometimes to believe that i’ve been forgiven because of my scrupulosity and OCD, and just because of the weight of what i’ve done in my past. i know that nothing is too terrible for God to forgive (except completely rejecting Him, of course), and i am learning to trust that He has forgiven me, and even starting to believe again that He loves me. i don’t know how i can overcome my perfectionism, though, except through prayer for the strength to overcome my scrupulosity, and the healing to trust Him completely, if it’s His Will that i am healed. if i have to struggle with this the rest of my life—and i have a feeling that i will—then i completely accept that and offer it up to Him for love of Him, for the souls in Purgatory and the souls who are in need of Him. when i was struggling with my sexuality, i was abused terribly, and the websites that i went to only confirmed and deepened my self-loathing, and the feeling i had that God hated me. i know that the only way i can reach high self-esteem without becoming self-centered or conceited is to focus on who i am in Christ, Who lives within my heart. i think i’ll start to reflect on that each day, and find some resources online that can help me build self-esteem without growing even more prideful. (unfortunately, i struggle with having humility. ) but if i focus less on myself and more on Jesus, i have a feeling that i will improve much more quickly.

because my parents aren’t nearly as religious as i am, i’m not able to go to Confession or spend time before the Blessed Sacrament nearly as often as i’d like to, which upsets me. when i’m older, i definitely plan to attend Daily Mass, weekly Confession and daily Eucharistic Adoration. but i do plan to begin, starting tomorrow, to put aside two hours each day—one in the morning and one at night—as quiet time with Him, reflecting on His Passion and listening for His Voice. i do have a feeling that it will be extremely helpful, and that the more i listen for His Voice, the more i will hear Him, and the more successful and strong i will become.