How can I let go of the anger and pain?

[Echojen]

I have been married for 20 years this spring. My husband’s grandmother, who lives in another state, fell and broke her leg last fall. My husband who was unemployed, went to stay with her for a few months, and work at his uncle’s restaurant… After he had been there 6 weeks, I went out to visit him, and while there discovered on his grandmothers computer that he had gone to a local dating site and had saved a woman’s profile. When I asked him about it, he swore that he had not contacted her, and was only looking at the profiles because he thought they were amusing. He promised me he had not gone to any other sites, emailed anyone, or posted a profile of his own. This was an issue for me because this had happened 2 years before. He had posted a profile on a site claiming he was divorced. It took me many months to feel I could trust him again then. After I returned home, I did some detective work, and found not only had he posted another profile saying he was divorced, he had opened 2 new email accounts that he was using to email several women, and had gone to at least 8 different dating sites… I no longer trust him, and I am grieving for what we have lost. I’m having trouble coping with the pain

 

[Trishie]

And that is very understandable. You have been betrayed, and lied to. Naturally you are profoundly hurt and sad.
It is a loss of your hopes and your dream.
Your anger and hurt will come in waves.
Jesus said, “pray for your enemies,” so pray for your husband.
Do your best to choose to forgive, but if you aren’t managing, talk to Jesus about it. Tell Him you know you must forgive, but you are finding it very hard, so could He keep giving you the grace to forgive each time the hurt and anger knocks you over again. Talk to Jesus any time you need to. I ask Him to hug you

I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers, and ask Jesus to surround you with His light and love. I ask Him to help you to know what to do, and give you the grace to do it…
:grouphug:
Trishie

 

[Echojen]

Thank you Trishie… I really needed that hug, and thank you for your prayers

 

[GraceDK]

Tell your cheating husband to sit down. tell him you know what he has been up to and ask him to tell you everything and where he sees everything going from there.
If he is not honest tell him that marriage is based on honesty. Then tell him you cant be with a cheater and you wont accept this. Find out if he is repentant, If he isnt tell him you will leave him (seperation because you cant be alone in a marriage). And then do so if he still shows no sign of contrition.

Thats my oppinion anyway.
Dont let anyone treat you like a dog. and dont sleep with a cheater…

 

[Echojen]

I did ask him about the profile and he denied it was his ( a lie), he also denied having the other email addresses before he was aware I had already gained access to them and read his posts to other women. He downplays the severity of what he has done and his statement to me was “I was just playing around, it’s not cheating if you don’t meet up with someone” He says he is sorry, but he does not want to talk about it anymore because I am only trying to make him feel worse, and make him out to be " a bad person". He refused to go for counseling. I have caught him in lies so many times over the years, but after this I can no longer believe anything he tells me. We technically are already separated since we are living 1000 miles apart. I have been to see a counselor myself yesterday, and it helped me quite a bit. I told my husband last night I don’t want him to come back home. I found a page about forgiveness online and it really spoke to my heart and would like to post it here.

FORGIVENESS
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance.

But when you don’t practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace and hope.

There’s no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can live a free and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

Forgiveness is a gift you give TO yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: “Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?” If the answer is “No,” then that’s it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.

Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

 

[faithandhope]

I know how you feel! Worst betrayal of all betrayals.
Have you forgiven?
I pray for you and for your husband. He needs to confess and take responsibility for his actions. Then he can begin the healing.

God Bless,

 

[nana3]

I have been married for 20 years this spring. My husband’s grandmother, who lives in another state, fell and broke her leg last fall. My husband who was unemployed, went to stay with her for a few months, and work at his uncle’s restaurant… After he had been there 6 weeks, I went out to visit him, and while there discovered on his grandmothers computer that he had gone to a local dating site and had saved a woman’s profile. When I asked him about it, he swore that he had not contacted her, and was only looking at the profiles because he thought they were amusing. He promised me he had not gone to any other sites, emailed anyone, or posted a profile of his own. This was an issue for me because this had happened 2 years before. He had posted a profile on a site claiming he was divorced. It took me many months to feel I could trust him again then. After I returned home, I did some detective work, and found not only had he posted another profile saying he was divorced, he had opened 2 new email accounts that he was using to email several women, and had gone to at least 8 different dating sites… I no longer trust him, and I am grieving for what we have lost. I’m having trouble coping with the pain

You have my prayers also and hugs also out to you. :grouphug: When my husband was in to pornography, he lied to me too. I would keep finding things first and he would deny it and lie, but when I would show him that I found out, he too would down play it. I guess that is there defense for their crimes and getting caught. He did this not once or twice, but many times. One day, he was truly sorry and I forgave him. I will be honest, it was not easy to trust and so I kept checking on the computer, his car and his usual hiding places for his “stuff,” but never found anything for months that turned into years. I now trust him, but he knew he had to earn it. He goes to confession every week though to help him with this problem and his temper problem. So hopefully, one day your husband will see that he was indeed cheating on you and he did hurt you and he needs to ask you to forgive him and most of all he needs to ask God to forgive him. Let us all pray for him and I will keep your marriage in my prayers and you especially for strength during this difficult time.

Stay close to Jesus and what helped me was going to Holy Hours and just sitting in His Presence! Jesus will heal your wounded heart.

 

[Green1]

I’ve been there also. My situation resulted in divorce. I’m not saying that is what will happen for your marriage, but I tried everything I could think of to make him stop and the simple fact is that he is doing this because he does not see that it is wrong. My ex was very good at lying and then eventually cheating. I didn’t want to see the signs and I wanted to believe him that it never went further. But like mine, he has already lied to you and trust is gone now. You can’t believe him and you won’t be able to change him. All you can do is let him know that this lack of respect to you is unacceptable and he has no idea of the damage he has done. How would he feel? Then show him how unacceptable it is by not putting up with it. Get rid of the computer, move out. Do anything you need to do to keep this away from you. You are a very strong and forgiving person and I am sorry you are going through this. Protect yourself. Contact an attorney and put everything you need to in order incase you need to move quickly as far as a legal separation. I’ve been exactly where you are and felt so bad after I had forgiven him and he was still doing this, but what was worse was feeling helpless and unprepared when the truth of his infidelity was reveiled. And if he can do this to you now it is just a matter of time till he does worse if he hasn’t already. The statistics aren’t good. He might have a sexual addiction, but even so you can’t live with this and only he can change himself and be the man you need him to be. You can’t really let go and truly forgive until this stops. All you can do is protect yourself and pray for him.
I’m sorry for sounding bossy. I just don’t want anyone to ever have to go through what I did. I wish I could go and smack some sense into him for you and tell him to grow up. Unfortunetly some people never do.

You are in my prayers. God bless you.

 

[LSK]

I have found that using a Jesus Box to put my thoughts and worries into has helped me in the past…and I think the women and men on this site who have gone through similar situations have the best advice to give. I will give you a big {{{cyberhug}}}} and lots of prayers.

 

[Serap]

I’ve been there also. My situation resulted in divorce. I’m not saying that is what will happen for your marriage, but I tried everything I could think of to make him stop and the simple fact is that he is doing this because he does not see that it is wrong. My ex was very good at lying and then eventually cheating. I didn’t want to see the signs and I wanted to believe him that it never went further. But like mine, he has already lied to you and trust is gone now. You can’t believe him and you won’t be able to change him. All you can do is let him know that this lack of respect to you is unacceptable and he has no idea of the damage he has done. How would he feel? Then show him how unacceptable it is by not putting up with it. Get rid of the computer, move out. Do anything you need to do to keep this away from you. You are a very strong and forgiving person and I am sorry you are going through this. Protect yourself. Contact an attorney and put everything you need to in order incase you need to move quickly as far as a legal separation. I’ve been exactly where you are and felt so bad after I had forgiven him and he was still doing this, but what was worse was feeling helpless and unprepared when the truth of his infidelity was reveiled. And if he can do this to you now it is just a matter of time till he does worse if he hasn’t already. The statistics aren’t good. He might have a sexual addiction, but even so you can’t live with this and only he can change himself and be the man you need him to be. You can’t really let go and truly forgive until this stops. All you can do is protect yourself and pray for him.
I’m sorry for sounding bossy. I just don’t want anyone to ever have to go through what I did. I wish I could go and smack some sense into him for you and tell him to grow up. Unfortunetly some people never do.

You are in my prayers. God bless you.

I kinda agree with this lady’s post. He is not treating you with respect and you deserve better. I wouldn’t go right to divorce, but if I were in this position, I would definitely go into a trial separation. He sounds really immature and unable to take any accountability for what he’s doing.

Make sure you keep a record of all of his emails in case you need it for legal purposes.

What a goof he is! Grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn’t mean we should mow someone elses lawn!!!

As for your forgiveness, give it to God and ask Him to help you be strong and have pity on your husband for his weaknesses. Ask God to help him evolve into a stronger person.

Here’s a hug from me too…:hug3:

 

[mrpathetic]

Get a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. You need to set a clear boundary for your husband. You need to present him with a choice. He can either chose adultery, or chose you. It is his choice. He must make one of these choices, and then endeavor to live with it. The Boundaries book will help you in setting these boundaries.

The ebook is available only, or you can buy the hardcopy version from most bookstores. I found this book to be extremely helpful, in dealing with my marriage issues.

 

[smallcat]

Prayers for your difficult situation. You may have already considered this, but I highly recommend a attending a retrouvaille weekend, even if you do move toward a formal separation. It is expensive, but many dioceses will offer financial help. I credit retrouvaille with the beginning of the healing of my marriage.