How can I overcome this issue?

[Joe_of_Purdue]

Hey all, I’m in great need of advice as to how to tackle an issue that’s been hurting my relationship.

So I’m 23 years old and I’ve been dating a girl for two years now. We’ve been through ups and downs, but after going through a bit of a confusing month for both of us, I’m trying to determine if I can get this relationship back on track. However, there is on issue I realize I need to tackle in order to be a good boyfriend to her: It is harder for me to give her attention when she does not look as attractive.

It is not like she is unattractive, she can look amazing at times; however, there are other times where I find her not as attractive. I think a lot of this also has to do with me making comparative judgments between her and other girls. Additionally, the possibility that I might be able to find a more attractive girl makes it harder for me. I don’t want to hold back in my relationship because of this issue; I want to be there for her as much as possible, and I would like to be free of this issue. So I’m reaching out to others for advice.

Do you have any practical tips for improving my attitude/outlook? Any prayers or saints to turn to for help?

Do you have any words of wisdom from experiencing anything like this? For example, how does a husband continue to treat his wife properly when she is not looking all that great? What attitudes or mindsets allow you to get past your superficial inclinations?

Finally, from an outsider’s point of view, do you think I will be able to muster up what it takes to get over this weakness and be the man she needs me to be? Or should I take my life in a new direction?

Thank you for any thoughtful (name removed by moderator)uts; I will try and take everything to heart.

 

[Della]

Do you always look your very best? Do you think a woman’s main concern should be her looks? What if you marry her and she loses her looks, will you divorce her? Do you have a grasp of the fact that your gf is a human being and not a baby doll? I think you either need to let this girl go so she can find someone who will love her no matter how she looks, or you need to get your priorities straight.

 

[EasterJoy]

There was an old guy who was asked his secret for his long marriage, which had lasted for 50 or 60 years. His answer was this: “Every morning, I look in the mirror, and I tell myself: ‘Well, you’re no prize, either…’”

There is something to that, and something to realizing that an intimate relationship allows us a place to be accepted even when we are not at our best.

Having said that, if you are someone who sees your own grooming as a form of showing that you care about your girlfriend, then you may need to talk to your girlfriend about that…that is, “I try to keep myself looking nice whenever I see you, but sometimes I feel as if I’m the one person for whom you feel you don’t have to make a big effort to look nice. I know some couples do that, and they’re fine with it, but I’m really not. I’m also afraid that maybe I don’t let you know often enough how I notice and appreciate it when you dress up and make yourself look so great. I don’t want you to think I take that for granted, or that I don’t care one way or other. I wanted to talk to you about that.” If she sees her intimate relationship as just that one where she does not need to go through all the hoops that she has to go through for “society”, then you may have a fundamental difference that will need to be worked out to keep from causing some deep hurt feelings and resentments. It may even make you incompatible. It is worth talking about sooner, rather than later. I would approach it as a possible difference of approach, though, and not as something that is wrong with her.

This issue of wondering if you’ve done the best for yourself that you can is another thing altogether. You do have to get over that, or you and your spouse will have no basis for security. You’ll be her “thing” and she’ll be your “thing”, and you’ll both spend your life alternating between buyer’s remorse and the fear that it is you who will wind up abandoned at the exchange counter. That is no substitute for love. If you remain like the pople who do not grow beyond that self-centered view, you will live your life too worried that someone was going to come along who was better looking, more successful, smarter, funnier, more emotionally available, or more something than you are for your spouse or than your spouse is for you–because yes, young man, this is a sword that cuts both ways, and all you have to do is to imagine someone “better than you” coming on to your girlfriend to get that. You’d spend you’re life feeling jealous, resentful, and insecure. That’s no way to live.

 

[PaulinVA]

There was an old guy who was asked his secret for his long marriage, which had lasted for 50 or 60 years. His answer was this: “Every morning, I look in the mirror, and I tell myself: ‘Well, you’re no prize, either…’”.

Ha, ha. I love it!

I think the most important aspect in a spouse is a person with a commitment to stay with you forever, and wants the best for you,. We all lose our looks, but that commitment, that view of marriage, will keep you happy and loved.

 

[jenwha]

Just my two cents, but I think this issue may be aggravated by your age.

When I was 23, I HAD to date guys that were “hot.”

Now I could care less. And it’s a lot better on the other side.

She’s not going to always look like a beauty queen at night with the makeup scrubbed off with old comfy sweats on eating Cheetos with unbrushed teeth…or when she has the flu, but no girl will. And neither will you.

 

[SonCatcher]

Hey all, I’m in great need of advice as to how to tackle an issue that’s been hurting my relationship.

Do you have any practical tips for improving my attitude/outlook? Any prayers or saints to turn to for help?

Do you pray for her? Sincerely seeking out her benefit goes a long way.

She is a unique child of God. Ask Him to help you see her as He sees her.

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

I feel your pain.

Yet, this is ALL YOUR FAULT.

How so?

Because there is, I believe, a MORAL issue involved here.

No, it is NOT, as far as I know, IMMORAL to and prefer and seek to marry a person who is superior in physical attractiveness.

But, based on books I have read on the Catholic morals related to dating and courtship, that it IS IMMORAL (and stupid) to date anyone who you find so deficient in physical attractiveness, compared to other potential mates available to you, that you have doubts about whether you would ask her to marry you just because of her looks.

Unlike thinks like Character and Personality, the trait of Physical Attractiveness is something you can perceive and evaluate INSTANTLY upon meeting someone. I don’t buy your comments about her looking good sometimes and not looking good other times. Just be honest. She’s not as pretty as you want your wife to be. Period.

I hope she does not marry you! You’d always be feeling sorry for yourself for being “stuck” with someone not in your league.

I advise you to follow this rule: Don’t date even once someone you doubt that you’d ever want to marry. And if you are dating someone, and develop doubts that you would date them, cut 'em loose immediately. Stop wasting their time. Stop wasting your time. People have only a few years in which they get to find their spouse for life. No one has time to be used by someone who is just biding time until they can find someone better.

I believe the practice of having a “Space Filler Girlfriend” is immoral.

 

[SonCatcher]

I don’t buy your comments about her looking good sometimes and not looking good other times. Just be honest. She’s not as pretty as you want your wife to be. Period.

Actually, it is known from both scientific study and NFP practitioners’ testimonies that a woman’s “attractiveness” varies throughout her cycle.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Hey all, I’m in great need of advice as to how to tackle an issue that’s been hurting my relationship.

So I’m 23 years old and I’ve been dating a girl for two years now. We’ve been through ups and downs, but after going through a bit of a confusing month for both of us, I’m trying to determine if I can get this relationship back on track. However, there is on issue I realize I need to tackle in order to be a good boyfriend to her: It is harder for me to give her attention when she does not look as attractive.

It is not like she is unattractive, she can look amazing at times; however, there are other times where I find her not as attractive. I think a lot of this also has to do with me making comparative judgments between her and other girls. Additionally, the possibility that I might be able to find a more attractive girl makes it harder for me. I don’t want to hold back in my relationship because of this issue; I want to be there for her as much as possible, and I would like to be free of this issue. So I’m reaching out to others for advice.

Do you have any practical tips for improving my attitude/outlook? Any prayers or saints to turn to for help?

Do you have any words of wisdom from experiencing anything like this? For example, how does a husband continue to treat his wife properly when she is not looking all that great? What attitudes or mindsets allow you to get past your superficial inclinations?

Finally, from an outsider’s point of view, do you think I will be able to muster up what it takes to get over this weakness and be the man she needs me to be? Or should I take my life in a new direction?

Thank you for any thoughtful (name removed by moderator)uts; I will try and take everything to heart.

Well, as you know, no woman is going to “look amazing” all of the time; and eventually all of us get older, and we don’t look as great as we did in our twenties. I think this (below)

I think a lot of this also has to do with me making comparative judgments between her and other girls. Additionally, the possibility that I might be able to find a more attractive girl makes it harder for me.

is closer to the heart of your issue than her level of “attractiveness” going up and down. It seems to me that if you loved her, this wouldn’t be an issue, and you wouldn’t always be thinking about other girls. It may be a maturity issue (you are pretty young, after all), but either way, she deserves someone who will love her unconditionally. Really, it comes down to this: Do you love this woman? Do you want to marry her–to spend the rest of your life with her and have her be the mother of your children? After two years of dating, you should know the answer to those questions by now. I think it’s either time to commit and move toward marriage, or let her go so that she can find someone else.