How can I practically help someone who is scrupulous?

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I know someone who is scrupulous. When they get done with reconciliation I can tell they feel much better, but soon after they’re struggling really hard not to mess up. When they eventually feel like they’ve sinned, even if they haven’t, they feel horrible. Then it’s a downhill slide from there until they’re prepared to go back to reconciliation.

During their downhill part, they don’t feel right praying (even before meals), and feel like they’re in the wrong for really doing much with God at all. This is because they believe that they’re hypocritical if they sin but turn around and do the right thing.

It hurts me to see them like that and I’ve offered my suggestions and talked with them, but they usually either don’t want to talk or get offended because I come off as preaching.
 
I can’t find it, but there used to be a website with its own magazine to help those with this.

You can’t really do much except give affirmations when the person is doing well.

Does this person at least have a regular confessor who is aware of the issue?
 
SpeakKindly said:
I know someone who is scrupulous. When they get done with reconciliation I can tell they feel much better, but soon after they’re struggling really hard not to mess up. When they eventually feel like they’ve sinned, even if they haven’t, they feel horrible. Then it’s a downhill slide from there until they’re prepared to go back to reconciliation.

During their downhill part, they don’t feel right praying (even before meals), and feel like they’re in the wrong for really doing much with God at all. This is because they believe that they’re hypocritical if they sin but turn around and do the right thing.

It hurts me to see them like that and I’ve offered my suggestions and talked with them, but they usually either don’t want to talk or get offended because I come off as preaching.
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How about looking around for a Catholic counselor in your area? Or maybe just an appointment with a good priest? If they refuse, you could make an appointment yourself.

This stuff about not praying and not wanting to do right after sinning is terrible and sad.

I believe it’s normal with scrupulosity to get a spiritual director and then follow them to the letter (obviously, it has to be somebody that they can safely follow like that). Here’s a place to get started:

littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2010/10/scrupulosity-little-bit-of-hell.html

The OCD angle mentioned in that post is a possible one to work on.

Also:

mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity.htm

mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity2.htm

I’ve never had “classic” scrupulosity, just scruples, but I have to say that one thing I have noticed is that, very interestingly, the things that I obsess over are penny ante stuff, whereas my actual sins are quite different, both qualitatively and quantitatively. What I obsess over are little accidental mistakes in etiquette (saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, etc.), whereas my actual sins are totally different. Nobody but me notices that stuff I obsess over, whereas EVERYBODY can see the actual sins.

It’s not a bad exercise to ask oneself, what do other people think my sins are?

Good luck!
 
SpeakKindly said:
I know someone who is scrupulous. When they get done with reconciliation I can tell they feel much better, but soon after they’re struggling really hard not to mess up. When they eventually feel like they’ve sinned, even if they haven’t, they feel horrible. Then it’s a downhill slide from there until they’re prepared to go back to reconciliation.

During their downhill part, they don’t feel right praying (even before meals), and feel like they’re in the wrong for really doing much with God at all. This is because they believe that they’re hypocritical if they sin but turn around and do the right thing.

It hurts me to see them like that and I’ve offered my suggestions and talked with them, but they usually either don’t want to talk or get offended because I come off as preaching.
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I posted on similar thread:

…Karen Horney, while not directly referring to scrupulosity, provides the best psychological origin for it. It can be best described as “tyranny of the shoulds” which is one of the reasons that more Catholics appear to suffer from scrupulosity than other Christians.

I don’t want to duplicate the post but you can view it here on CAF.

In that post I also refer to a potential self help program:Addictive Voice Recognition Technique" (AVRT) whcih seems to help some scrupulosity sufferers. AVRT was developed for addictions so you need to modify some of the wording but not the technique as you go through it.
 
Sometimes scrupulosity is associated with other mental health issues.

Are there other areas of life in which your friend has similar issues?

Do they exhibit this sort of all or nothing thinking about other things?
 
Joking aside. Scrupulosity is considered a form of OCD. Cognitive beahvior therapy, SSRIs, and solid spiritual direction would be the best course of treatment. Steering your friend in that direction would be most useful.

Often a person can discontinue the usage of the SSRIs after learning the cognitive behavioral strategies for managing symptoms. The SSRIs are helpful in decreasing the frequency of the obsessive thoughts while the sufferer is learning to re-program his/ her thinking. I’ve known general practitioners who were comfortable prescribing, but a psychiatrist friend says that psychiatry is often more art than science and the fine gradations and shifts in medication are best handled by a psychiatrist.

ocfoundation.org/uploadedFiles/MainContent/Find_Help/IOCDF_Scrupulosity_fact_sheet.pdf
 
You can also look at spiritualdirection.com/ has some great articles on the issue, I think. Therese of Lisuiex had it early in life and it was conqured by God’s grace. It is pride. A whole lot of the devout get it early on. I had it. I believe it was a perfectionism so that you do the right thing, but have not fully realized how much God comes in to play with His grace. You could read up on it and help your friend that way. It is helpful to have friend I think in this type of case. But don’t be overly helpful in case he is not accepting of it. If he asks, then that is the best situation. His conscience needs a little formation and I think it is more of a natural tendency in some then others. I don’t think I’d worry about OCD. When you start talking psychology, you get a bit of overtones like Freud. Like the father of your beliefs really has him at the center (not). So Jesus Christ, His church and the saints have dealt with this many times. I don’t really know if OCD and scrupulosity are always togather. But the relanship with God is the most important. Of course if other areas appear to show signs of OCD, then maybe your friend should go there or even if its not beyond being scrupulous about religious things. I would find a good Catholic therapist if it came to that. Seeking the help of a spiritual guide who is knowledgeble would be my first inclination though. And then a recommendation to therapy if that person sees it as a neccessity. Being under obedience of spiriutal direction can help break scrupulosity since you have less to trip over when it comes to self-will and pride.

Also, always be uplifting and positive since this can be a bleak period for a person’s spiritual journey is another thought. Dwell on the positive, understanding, peaceful and always be kind.

I hope this helps a little. Prayers to you both! Pray to his guardian angel. He’s there to help our in troubles of conscience.

Sincerely,

Ed Hamilton.
 
I was just Baptized and Confirmed last year (I’m a convert from Protestantism) I went through a big period of what I have heard called “Transitional Scruples” Where I made small deals into BIG deals and saw sin, where I was advised by priests, that there were was no sin at all. I was constantly doubting whether I sinned or not. Especially when it came to impure thoughts. I still can be scrupulous at times but nowhere near as bad as before.

This link helped me a lot. It did not “Cure me” but I would share it with your friend and tell them that someone who use to suffer with scrupulosity recommended it because it helped them out a lot catholicpamphlets.net/pamphlets/Are%20You%20Scrupulous.pdf

It is the best advice I have read on the subject so far. God bless 🙂
 
As kind as it is for you to want to help, I don’t think this friend wants your help so making offers will just put a bad taste in their mouth.

I would suggest indirectly helping. For example, if you notice they are getting better, do not praise them like a child. Act neutral. By over praising you are empahsizing the issue and making them feel misunderstood. For example, I went through a very anxious stage where I couldn’t even cross a street. One day I was out with a friend and crossed the street normally. She started patting me on the back saying ‘good for you’. I felt angry, I felt she was monitoring my progress where that was none of her behaviour. Like I had to make a big issue out of it.

If they want to carry on about how ‘I can’t pray I just sinned’. Set a firm boundary ‘Jesus came to heal the sinners, I do not want to talk about how you can not pray’

Just my 2 cents
 
I tend to be scrupulous at times. The hard part is to learn to get back on the horse. Meaning, that those episodes have taught me to embrace and rely on Our Lords mercy. It gets better with time and can be a blessing for uncovering sin that needs to be confessed. Help your friend to focus it by praying for their guidance and graces for a good confession.

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Give him this: fatherdoyle.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/scruples-and-their-treatment.pdf

Read it yourself too. Does he know that he is scrupulous? That article will help him to understand himself and what is happening with his scrupulosity and the first steps he can take to overcome it. Pray for him to get a good spiritual director who understands scruples, and encourage him to offer his Communion (when he does receive) for this intention as well. Be patient with him (it sounds like you already are), scrupulosity can be an agonizing condition to live with, especially if he doesn’t understand it and doesn’t know that it can get better.
 
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