P
payaso
Guest
I am a forty-ish man, married, with two exceptional children and a wife who comes from a lineage of fiery, yet saintly, personalities. I am a convert who, unfortunately, has not held fast to the devout fervor characteristic of many converts I have met and experienced.
Prior to meeting my wife, and prior to my conversion, I was sexually promiscuous; my normal state of being was lustful and my carnal appetite could be voracious at times. As a young man in the US armed forces, I felt it was my due to be a on the sexual hunt at all times- it was as much the norm as eating or breathing. When I was on 6-month deployment, I addressed that urge by watching hardcore pornography videos in my workshop with my co-workers. In fact, my exposure to pornography and sexually impure material goes all the way back to my pre-teen days. It would not be inaccurate to say that its influence of sexual perversion is deeply ingrained into me.
When I started going out seriously with my wife-to-be I revealed to her once that I had solicited prostitution while in the armed services overseas. Her reaction was one of shock and drama; her reaction frightened me, and I was falling in love with her deeply and didn’t want to lose her, so I told her I only did it once. Later on that year, she had a problem with me and was unsure if I was telling the truth about EVERYTHING, and I spilled it at that point- I revealed to her every sexual encounter I could remember up to the time I began getting serious about her, and she violently walked out on me. I felt my soul ripping apart and I couldn’t stand being without her. Eventually she began talking to me again, and it almost seemed as if we were being re-acquainted. It was shortly thereafter that I began my RCIA experience and was baptized/confirmed the following spring. But things had changed; she demanded I promise her I wouldn’t watch TV anymore by myself because so much of it seems to sell sex to a male audience, she would get incensed whenever I happened to see an advertisement of an alluring nature; she even got to the point of demanding I promise her I wouldn’t read the sports page of the newspaper anymore because of its strip club ads. I made these promises because I didn’t want to lose her, but I was resentful that she could make such an association with these seemingly conventional, innocuous behaviors I had engaged in most of my life. So I began to live a life in the shadows. There were times that she would discover that I had watched the TV by myself, or had read the sports page, and there would be a big blow-up, but eventually we would reconcile. Yet it just drove me deeper into the shadows.
The shadows became even darker when I began to work in the computer field and discovered that people would post pornographic pictures on dial-up bulletin boards, the predecessor of the internet. I began to slide back into a life that I had abandoned for good after meeting the love of my life, and found that my appetite for porn and masturbation was just as voracious as it had been; but now, I went through stages of guilt and remorse for my misdeeds. I would stop for a while and repent; my tempestuous relationship blossomed into marriage, and soon produced a beautiful baby. Yet my aberrant behavior did not stop; it became even more chronic when the Internet seemed to make porn a staple of its existence. I discovered the anonymity of chat rooms early on, and had virtual trysts with disembodied females in parts unknown. When it was discovered that I was married by one of them, it ended in remorse for my actions and fear that I might be caught. Though I discontinued that practice, I still accessed porn on the internet. At the surface world, my wife continued to have issues with me and what she perceived; that I looked at other women, that I looked at the lurid magazine racks at the grocery store checkout, that I watched too much TV when we were at her parents’ house. I reacted in anger and denial, and we would fight, then reconcile. It was getting really old. Our relationship began to really suffer; I felt that she didn’t try to catch my eye anymore and she felt I acted like just one more of her children when she needed a man. It was becoming depressingly clear to me that she was determined never to ease in her approach to me and what I did on the surface, so I became even more deceptive and deeper in the shadows. I began to entertain the idea of an affair, if ever the opportunity came my way, just so I could have the sex I felt was my due. Yet my spirit, my conscience, and my fear kept me in check. I also had a feeling that the Lord would somehow remove the temptation by causing something to happen.
Prior to meeting my wife, and prior to my conversion, I was sexually promiscuous; my normal state of being was lustful and my carnal appetite could be voracious at times. As a young man in the US armed forces, I felt it was my due to be a on the sexual hunt at all times- it was as much the norm as eating or breathing. When I was on 6-month deployment, I addressed that urge by watching hardcore pornography videos in my workshop with my co-workers. In fact, my exposure to pornography and sexually impure material goes all the way back to my pre-teen days. It would not be inaccurate to say that its influence of sexual perversion is deeply ingrained into me.
When I started going out seriously with my wife-to-be I revealed to her once that I had solicited prostitution while in the armed services overseas. Her reaction was one of shock and drama; her reaction frightened me, and I was falling in love with her deeply and didn’t want to lose her, so I told her I only did it once. Later on that year, she had a problem with me and was unsure if I was telling the truth about EVERYTHING, and I spilled it at that point- I revealed to her every sexual encounter I could remember up to the time I began getting serious about her, and she violently walked out on me. I felt my soul ripping apart and I couldn’t stand being without her. Eventually she began talking to me again, and it almost seemed as if we were being re-acquainted. It was shortly thereafter that I began my RCIA experience and was baptized/confirmed the following spring. But things had changed; she demanded I promise her I wouldn’t watch TV anymore by myself because so much of it seems to sell sex to a male audience, she would get incensed whenever I happened to see an advertisement of an alluring nature; she even got to the point of demanding I promise her I wouldn’t read the sports page of the newspaper anymore because of its strip club ads. I made these promises because I didn’t want to lose her, but I was resentful that she could make such an association with these seemingly conventional, innocuous behaviors I had engaged in most of my life. So I began to live a life in the shadows. There were times that she would discover that I had watched the TV by myself, or had read the sports page, and there would be a big blow-up, but eventually we would reconcile. Yet it just drove me deeper into the shadows.
The shadows became even darker when I began to work in the computer field and discovered that people would post pornographic pictures on dial-up bulletin boards, the predecessor of the internet. I began to slide back into a life that I had abandoned for good after meeting the love of my life, and found that my appetite for porn and masturbation was just as voracious as it had been; but now, I went through stages of guilt and remorse for my misdeeds. I would stop for a while and repent; my tempestuous relationship blossomed into marriage, and soon produced a beautiful baby. Yet my aberrant behavior did not stop; it became even more chronic when the Internet seemed to make porn a staple of its existence. I discovered the anonymity of chat rooms early on, and had virtual trysts with disembodied females in parts unknown. When it was discovered that I was married by one of them, it ended in remorse for my actions and fear that I might be caught. Though I discontinued that practice, I still accessed porn on the internet. At the surface world, my wife continued to have issues with me and what she perceived; that I looked at other women, that I looked at the lurid magazine racks at the grocery store checkout, that I watched too much TV when we were at her parents’ house. I reacted in anger and denial, and we would fight, then reconcile. It was getting really old. Our relationship began to really suffer; I felt that she didn’t try to catch my eye anymore and she felt I acted like just one more of her children when she needed a man. It was becoming depressingly clear to me that she was determined never to ease in her approach to me and what I did on the surface, so I became even more deceptive and deeper in the shadows. I began to entertain the idea of an affair, if ever the opportunity came my way, just so I could have the sex I felt was my due. Yet my spirit, my conscience, and my fear kept me in check. I also had a feeling that the Lord would somehow remove the temptation by causing something to happen.
). That’s how you will rebuild her trust. Its not easy, for either one of you, but it can be done. Yeah, she’s still going to hurt for some time. And that, I’m afraid, is your cross to bear. How you bear it is your choice.
) I don’t see that happening.
). You may be expressing love to your wife and she may not be understanding it because that’s not what she understands as showing love. Its terribly frustrating because you’re doing what you know to be expressions of love and it seems like she doesn’t even appreciate it! So you give up and feel rejected. And that’s not good.
)
But this patient’s wounds are serious and recovery will take a long time. And you are the only one who can rebuild the trust. She really wants you to care enough to try. And only she can tell you how to do that to fit her needs. Good luck.