How can I restore my marriage after infidelity? PT I

[wisdom_3_5]

I pray that any man who has cheated on his wife and wishes to restore his marriage and family will have the good sense to make copies of Liberanosamalo’s words and read them every day. Then do it.

L.~ YOU are truly gifted and blessed with wisdom. Praise God and thank the Holy Spirit for those words. An awesome read.

Payaso, the only thing I can say is I will pray for you. I hope you and your wife are able to save your marriage.

AMEN to all that!

L- you are a much better writer than me! I wish I had your posts 5 years ago! You expressed perfectly how it feels.

 

[payaso]

I have some questions… I am not going to slam your wife and act like she has issues. Her issues are valid. But we don’t have some information here. Were you her first or her one and only? That is an important detail here.

Yes, she received a thoroughly CATHOLIC (caps appropriate) upbringing. She was no Therese of Lisieux (or we would have never met ) but her father’s opinion of her mattered GREATLY. She could not bring herself to look him in the eye if he had questions about something she did, because his love was so throughly Christ-like. He was a very special man. But I digress- she saved herself for her true love. That is/was me.

I’m writing as someone whose first and one and only betrayed her. And I knew when I married him that he had a “history.” And I completely ignored that and made escuses and said to myself “What he did before he married me is not my business. He can’t help that.” And well… past is prologue in many instances.

As she has said many times since… “the past matters.”

So then you kick yourself even harder for having ignored your instincts. And you vow never to be fooled again. Which your wife did. And what did you do? You spent a lot of time and effort sneaking around, completely validating her suspicions of you.

*I proved myself to be a very effective covert operator. Shameful.
*
She trusted you, and you gave her no reason to trust you and lots of reasons to doubt you. And then you did it again. (Proving another reason why masturbation is so deadly and a cancer to marriage.)

I thank God regularly that I was able to stop such long-term destructive behavior. I don’t look back.

Somewhere, before you came along, someone hurt her ability to trust. She expects men to be unfaithful. Maybe her dad was a Franciscan. But if my dad had been a priest and had walked away from that vow made on the altar of God, I’d really believe deep down that every man will walk away from a vow because he wants a woman. It would be hard for me to trust.

OK I have to step up a little here… seeing as how history is the ‘democracy of the dead’, I think some fair representation of my late father-in-law is in order.
He died a priest. He was a married priest, meaning that he no longer had ordination. But one never divorces the sacrament. His only fault(?) was being too independent-minded to be able to stomach the foibles of the human element in the 1960s Church hierarchy where his ordinal life was concerned. He left the order without a woman being involved; but yes, he did want a family. So the nature of his post-sacramental life was not the stuff of tabloids; he met my MIL after they had both been working as laypeople. His life continued to be a life of service after leaving the Franciscan order- he and my MIL were house parents for group homes for runaways and troubled teens, and he worked in MHMR until he was too sick to keep going. He was giving, almost to a fault. And I have NEVER met a holier person.
Her trust issues with males came as a result of something that happened when she was a young teen. The details are sketchy, but she thought he was her best friend and then he proved to be typically hormonally-directed. That’s all I really know. So she was steely-eyed when it came to boys from then on until meeting me. That makes me a real prince for what I ended up being and doing, eh?

You need to understand something about women. Most of us do not function with a limited optic. We’re looking long-term. We are hard-wired to look at behavior and see it’s long-term implications. It’s our intuition and our ability to read into the fine points of behavior. It allows us to anticipate what our children are going to do before they do it. It allows us to keep them out of danger. We are always “on guard.” So from the very beginning of our children’s lives, we recognize small signals and draw conclusions from it that direct our actions. Your wife sounds like a good, careful, watchful mother. She probably operates like this.

I will say this, and it is meant in the highest sense of compliment- it’s as if all of this came from my wife, herself- but as an third-person analysis. You are in that vein. I am sorry that your wisdom is honed on a whetstone of personal pain, but you obviously have a gift that is exceedingly rare. If you are not involved in pastoral care, then you should seriously consider it, because I did about a year in therapy with a diocesan counselor and he never really could provide a lot of help or insight. This (and your subsequent posted parts) are what I really could have used then. And yes, a good kick in the ***** (I can say that here, right?) from someone other than my wife with whom I am trying to mend things, is a good measure of medicine.

More replies-in-kind to come…

 

[payaso]

Dude, I **am **a woman. And, the way I read the tea leaves of your wife’s psyche is included in my last post. I would never treat **my **husband the way your wife has treated you from the beginning of your relationship.

I’m sure she does hurt. The online relationship was emotional infidelity. Rebuilding trust, as I said, will be a matter of your actions and not your words. Continue to demonstrate your committment to her. Be open and honest. I do suggest you join a group of other Catholic men, such as www.dads.org.

There is no magic bullet. BUT, honestly, you are seem to be walking around like a whipped dog begging for her to heap more insult on top of you. She is holding everything from your past over you-- even the things that came prior to her or your conversion to the Faith.

I think she has some issues, and I think she’s inflicting unnecessary pain on you and your children, that’s all I’m saying.

She’s already stated she’ll never forgive, never forget. So, honestly, I don’t know what she plans to do. She has to be a part of the healing. And, right now it seems she doesn’t want to heal. She’s holding on to it tightly, maybe to punish you.

It may take forever, I really don’t know. She has to want to work on herself too, and forgiving. That’s why I recommended the priest and Catholic marriage counseling.

Strong and strange are not the same thing. To me, her behavior is strange (not her reaction to your online affair, but the totality of her behavior). But that’s just me-- and this is an internet forum, I don’t know you.

My apologies, no disrespect intended. See how I don’t know women?
There are different approaches for different folks everywhere we go. My wife doesn’t represent all women, but here’s a chestnut of sorts- from my youth I believed that all were like that, and that they would never really believe all the ridiculous BS that the typical male would throw out there in terms of chatting women up- particularly if I were the one trying it. I was more than a little afraid of girls/women. But then, ‘insecure’ was my middle name for a LOOOONG time.

 

[RWMorris]

Your wife is going through a lot of emotional pain. You are lucky she didn’t leave you permanently.
As a woman, I would feel extremely betrayed by your actions. You have a lot of catching up to do.
As a wife, I would want my husband to pay lots of attention to me, bring me flowers, rub my back (non-sexually), etc. Try lots of listening, too.

 

[howletus]

Liberanosamalo,
God HAS blessed you with not only wisdom but also the ability to articulate it. Nothing more really needs to be said but that won’t stop me from putting in my two cents. I was a little uneasy about all the posters who were suggesting Payaso’s wife might need therapy for whatever happened in her past that made her so “controlling”. It’s not when we just hear the “rules” of the Catholic faith, but when we understand the WHY is when a true change of heart comes. We know the real damage something seemingly so innocent and trivial as watching TV can cause. When an alchoholic is in remission, is it prudent for him to be around others who drink? At a bar? Tempted?
Is it so hard to understand Payaso’s wife’s position. She was trying to remove things from his life that could lead to temptation. Considering what she’s been put through, I don’t think a little lattitude in her methods is too much to ask. Until a true change of heart comes, she was just trying to do damage control. And a change of heart is what needs to happen. It can’t just be a decision to do all the right things. We are not strong enough by ourselves to just decide, “I’m going to be a better man” and live it. It’s a start but we CAN’T do it on our own. It’s too hard. The world makes it too hard. TV makes it too hard. Life makes it too hard. Our spouses, at times, make it too hard.
The DEVIL makes it too hard.
If we are Christians, why do we think we can live a Christian life without Christ? A true change of heart can only come through Christ and the Sacraments. Through family prayer. Through an understanding of Scripture. It’s not just about going to church on Sundays out of habit. Being Catholic is not just about going to church on Sunday. I have learned this the hard way. Certainly there is enough grace in receiving Communion once to make us all saints for life but only when we are open to that grace.
We need to understand that it IS sin that closes us off to God’s grace and it IS the Sacraments that give us the strength to resist temptation. Sin separates us from God and His love is absent in our hearts. Then we’re no longer loving as God loves, putting others first. We become selfish in our thoughts and in our actions. “I” am trying but “YOU” are judging… This selfish “love” does not allow us to see things from the others perspective. To stop and try and look at things from the other side. This is the damage sin causes. Not only does it wound the sinners ability to see things rightly but it tries the OTHERS resolve to always be charitable, understanding, forgiving, trusting, and to see the good that they once saw in another. It can change the way we see the whole world. All of the sudden others sincere attempts to do what is truly best out of love becomes judgemental, unloving, “if you really loved me you would…”. We must understand that there is MUCH more to sin than just, you break a rule, you go to Hell.
Sorry for the rant. My point:
We can do and say all the right things, but, if in our hearts we still desire to commit adultery. If in our hearts we still lust for other women. If in our hearts we still think that true happiness lies in things we’re “missing out on” then I fear marriage becomes much less than it was intended to be. God must be first. To both. This means different things for husband and wife but He must be first. If one of us is somewhat grounded in our faith and the other is just “going along with it” because they love you, man that seems to be rolling the dice.
From the beginning, the opposite of the word believe was not unbelieve or disbelieve but actually DISOBEY. When we allow our trust, faith, and dare I say, our belief in God to be diluted by the distractions of our every day life it can become very easy to get off track and do give in to our temptations.
Payaso, I’m not saying this is you. I don’t question your faith. I just think it might be a good question to ask ourselves once in a while. I ask myself every day, and will be getting together with my younger brother this afternoon to ask him the same question. He is going through a similar situation in his marriage. Coincidentally, he has not been to confession or communion in several years. Just mass, though out of habit he admits.
Sorry for the rant. Once we get started it’s difficult to stop.

 

[payaso]

Howletus, I agree that it can be difficult to stop… it took me three 5000-character-delimited screens to lay out my story. It’s never easy to do, whether it’s been to a priest, a diocesan counselor, or my family. But I just can’t go it alone for very long.

Part of the problem has been, and Liberanosamalo alluded to it so succinctly, the expectation of backsliding. It goes something like this: “I’m not settling for what you have to offer, and I’m not giving you what you want, so you’ll probably go look for your cheerleader somewhere else, just to get back at me. I mean, that’s your mode of operation, right?” My response is that I have self-respect now that I clearly didn’t have then, and so my repentance and my words hold weight. And I don’t need, or want, any more complications in my life. This is the logic approach, and though it sounds perfectly rational when it comes out of me, it doesn’t seem to carry much weight from my lips to her ears and heart. I am sure there is an emotional ingredient missing, perhaps a misplacement of passion or something. That’s what can be so hard to uncover.

Despite all of that, I’m still a cheater/adulterer. The brand does not fade. Forgiveness in this life does not remove the taint. I know I wouldn’t do it again (and yes, the word ‘again’ is a big tripping point for my wife) but I have yet to find the combination of actions that bear that out long-term in my wife’s eyes. I operate from task to task, as I’m sure most of my male brethren do, and so the strategic plan is hard to envision, plan, and execute.

Good advice from all respondents, though, and I thank you.

Enjoy your Labor Day.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

“I’m not settling for what you have to offer, and I’m not giving you what you want, so you’ll probably go look for your cheerleader somewhere else, just to get back at me. I mean, that’s your mode of operation, right?” My response is that I have self-respect now that I clearly didn’t have then, and so my repentance and my words hold weight. And I don’t need, or want, any more complications in my life. This is the logic approach, and though it sounds perfectly rational when it comes out of me, it doesn’t seem to carry much weight from my lips to her ears and heart. I am sure there is an emotional ingredient missing, perhaps a misplacement of passion or something. That’s what can be so hard to uncover.

Yeah, this isn’t about logic. Your logic holds no weight with her, because in her head, you used it to justify your past actions.

What you need to honestly tell her is:
I don’t WANT another cheerleader. I want YOU to be my cheerleader.
I don’t WANT to get back at you. You didn’t do anything! I’m the one who deserves you getting back at me. I want to move beyond that. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to spend eternity in hell. Being with you will keep that from happening if I keep my vows.

My old mode of operation did not work for me or you. I want to change that. Tell me what I can do to prove that to you.

Note: all of these replies put the weight on yourself. You are not using her behavior as a justification of your past actions. (It just sticks the knife in and twists it when a husband accuses his wife of being the reason he hurt her.)

Tell her outright what the problem is. You want to earn back her trust. You will work for the rest of your life to do that. But only she can tell you what actions on your part would assure her you have changed.

Have you started asking her to attend morning mass with you? The daily rosary? Taking her to adoration and praying together in a silent holy hour and then out for coffee afterward. Nothing heavy. Just telling her the perfect evening is spent with her and God.

She needs to see your prayer life has changed. That your relationship with God has changed. That you are serious about that. Because if your relationship with God is truly one of seeking His will and obeying His commandments, your relationships with others eventually becomes more loving and peaceful.

Even if she can’t go to morning mass, if she sees your attendance increasing and you going to confession, and you praying with the children, that will touch her heart on a very deep level.

Gifts? I knew a man who every Friday brought a single flower to his wife. I thought that was the sweetest thing.

When she is up to her neck in chores, simply asking “What can I do to help here?”

Keep in mind… she is watching. The only way you can convince her you won’t backslide is by not backsliding.

Start praying with her more. Remember God is a third party to this marriage.