How can I spice up a marriage

[shell_217]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We loved each other ery much. When we first met, he was fun and alive, as we got married, the fun started leaving and I was into my studies and he always supported that. When I wanted to go out, it was always an issue of us not having enough money. Now, we’re in a different position.

Now, he has toldme he doesn’t love me anymore and that he has felt trapped in a marriage and he wants to feel free to be himself again and he wants divorce. Since I was away on a long trip, he has started seeing a young group of Cubans (his nationality) and they have been going fishing, having parties and going bowling. He even started communicating with a younger girl. I don’t think he’s acted on that but I suspect that they are still communicating. I am suspecting that this is what he means by having fun.

I would like to save this marriage. My heart and soul is into this. I have no problem with going out and having fun. I can be fun, but how can I get him to accept giving me a try again? I am afraid to suggest going out somewhere because I feel it will aggravate him. Can someone help?

 

[Sr_Sally]

Have to tried just joining him on his outings? Fishing, bowling, dancing all sound like fun. Tell him how much you appreciate the sacrifices he made while you were in school and now you can both enjoy the rewards as a couple.

You should also speak to your priest and pray. St Joseph is a powerful intercessor and as the husband of the Blessed Virgin Mary certainly knows the best way to be a good husband!

 

[shell_217]

I haven’t mentioned that directly to him, though right now he has taken a stance that he wants nothing to do with me. He comes home from work and he ignores me. He doesn’t want to communicate. He says it irritates him when I try to do things for him. He says that he wants out and that he doesn’t want anything else. He says that he has felt trapped for many years. I know that if he gives me the opportunity, I can have his needs met in the same way that he has met mine for many years.

Since the news was so new to me, I asked him to please hold off on acting on the divorce for a couple of months and e has agreed. I want to restart things with him, but I’m worried he will turn me down.How can I best approach him.

He cancelled on a therapy session yesterday and he only agreed to go so that i could understand that he doesn’t love me.

My instinct tells me he loves me, he just feels resentment and wants to experiment new things. Avice?

 

[kage_ar]

Are you both practicing Catholics? If so, remember, marriage is a sacrament, it is about commitment and dedication - even when the romance fades. Emotions ebb and flow, commitment is forever.

Go to counseling with your Priest or to Retrouvaille.

 

[shell_217]

I’m a practicing Catholic and he’s a Catholic but very much on the surface. So, told me he understands that he took a Holy vow but that right now he is not paying attention to any Holy convention so long as he can feel free. So, that’s not stopping him. I spoke to a priest and he says that it may have to do with self-esteem or ego. I just finished a PhD degree and he doesn’t have a degree. To me, that isn’t an issue, a degree does not define me or him as a person. I know he once mentioned that he felt I was always schooling him (I’m a professor). The social group and young girl that he’s communicating with are recently arrived to the US so he has been their source for all information and maybe that’s what’s making him feel good right now and that’s why he feels he doesn’t need me.
I’ve always appreciated that fact that i feel I know a lot about very little and he is world smart, and I’ve always valued his wison and common sense, but maybe I have not made that evident to him

I’m lost. Any advice would help.

 

[former_Catholic]

I’m lost. Any advice would help.

I’ve got a 30 year marriage, 5 kids, and 2 grandkids.
The reason why I’ve got a 30 year marriage, 5 kids, and 2 grandkids is because when he felt trapped and wanted to be free, I happily smilingly packed his bags and told him not to worry because I’d be just perfectly fine without him, so goodbye and good luck. (yes, I deserved an Academy Award).

Somewhere between here and a thousand miles away searching for a former girlfriend he decided to grow up into a husband.

I know it doesn’t always happen that way, and that things could just as well have gone the other way, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do…
and if he isn’t interested in growing up and being your husband
he’ll end up being your son

 

[MercyMia]

Hi Shell - I’m not sure you really need to “spice” up your marriage, I think your husband is getting into some spicy things all on his own.

You mentioned that you have a Phd and your husband does not have an education. Perhaps he is feeling “less than” as a man and as a result he is acting out by being the “big man” with these younger, less educated girls. He may also resent your education and professional status and is lashing out at you by giving attention to these other girls.

This is cut and dry though, he needs to stop communicating with this young girl TODAY (with proof and accountability) or he needs to pack his bags and get out. If he wants to connect with people of his nationality, thats fine. Maybe the two of you can find a Church with a high Cuban population to attend together.