How can one get a spouse to stop continually interrupting?

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JanR

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So, here’s my dilemma.

This has gone on for decades, so I know it’s habitual. Whenever I try to communicate information to him, or explain my perspective on something or clarify my meaning, more often than not, he keeps interrupting me, cutting me off, and won’t let me finish speaking. Even when I try to ask him a question, he won’t let me finish it.

It’s a disrespectful habit which is fundamentally discourteous. I was always taught it’s rude to interrupt someone when they’re speaking, unless it’s an emergency, and I have consistently tried to tell him how it makes me feel when he does it. Still, he keeps doing it.

I have spoken up about it more frequently in recent years, trying to remind him that I have a right to speak, and a right to be heard, and if he valued me, he would respect that right and not be so quick to shut me out.

Recently, however, I have become so frustrated with this habit that whenever he does it, I shut down completely and cease speaking to him, altogether. I just don’t know what else to do, at this point. He doesn’t listen when I ask him to show me the basic respect of hearing me out, and I’m no longer interested in wasting my breath trying to communicate with someone who continually refuses to listen. I’m tired of being made to feel second rate, which is what this habit of his does to me.

I value communication, as some of you might know from my previous posts. I think good communication is essential for maintaining good relationships and avoiding misunderstandings or misinterpretations.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried appealing to his conscience and sense of decency, I’ve tried explaining to him how personally affronted and insulted I feel when he does this, AND I’ve tried going silent. None of it has worked.

He’s an intelligent man. This shouldn’t be so hard for him to understand. But obviously, it is, and I just don’t know how to get through to him.

And yes, I’ve prayed about it, too.
 
That would just be doing the same behavior I’ve so desperately tried to discourage him from doing. I don’t think it would be productive with we both continually interrupt each other. That would shut down communication on both sides. No, there has to be a better way.
 
What does he say when you tell him not to do it, and how you feel when he does?
 
He denies that he does it, or else becomes defensive. I just don’t think he sees it. I don’t think he’s aware that he does it, even though I’ve pointed it out to him numerous times. Is it selective hearing, or just not getting it? I can’t seem to get through to him. If he ever does realize how serious a problem it is, I would hope he cares enough to try to change this behavior. But then, I don’t know if on some level he does get it, but just doesn’t feel he needs to change. He can be very stubborn. Then too, a habit so deeply ingrained is difficult to break. I would think he would at least be willing to try. I can be patient if I see he’s really trying.
 
Sarcelle, I am often not present when he interacts with others, but when I have, I’ve mostly witnessed fair exchanges. He doesn’t treat his mother that way, at all. He enjoys conversing with other people.
 
I think if he gets defensive then on some level he is aware of what he is doing. I think you’re right in that he doesn’t see the need to change - the fact that he doesn’t talk to others this way suggests to me that he is making a choice to constantly interrupt you and put you down.

If you can’t get through to him, then I think you need marriage counselling, in order for you to truly be heard. I know that may be difficult at the minute with the virus, but many counselors offer telephone or skype sessions. I think they would be worth looking into.
 
This is not a good sign if he doesn’t do this to other people but only to you.

It just proves that he can control himself but chooses not to do that with you.

I can think of several reasons why, all of them troubling.

I think you may need a third party to observe what he is doing without him knowing and point it out to him. He may try to gaslight you though.
 
Can you try standing up and walking away when he does this? You could tell him that’s how you’re going to handle being interrupted – that you’ll return when he’s ready to have a conversation.
 
I haven’t tried walking away, yet. Maybe I should.

I can suggest our seeking counseling, but I seriously doubt he’ll agree to it.

Thing is, he has a lot of great qualities and is basically a good man. I can see where he got that habit. His dad did the same thing to his mother. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

If I knew he would take the time for us to earnestly discuss this, and not just think up rebuttals while I’m trying to express my heart, I think we could make some progress. Basically, he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. That’s the crux of it.

So, maybe if I do walk away whenever he does this, and just tell him I’ll return when he’s ready to hear me out, it might at least get him thinking about it.

As for an objective third party, good idea, and I can bring it up to him. I would prefer to wait until this pandemic is over so we can focus on it.
 
JanR said:
As for an objective third party, good idea, and I can bring it up to him. I would prefer to wait until this pandemic is over so we can focus on it.
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I suggest that you don’t tell him beforehand about people observing him.
He will change his behavior if he knows he is being observed.
 
I don’t think she can tell him how she feels if he won’t let her get a word in without interrupting.
 
I would like to suggest that since he only does this to you, it’s personal.

I would say “I guess what you have to say is more important” and then stop talking and leave the room.
I know that some people will say that won’t change anything, and maybe it won’t. But it will force him to become aware of what he is doing, and how often he does it. If you say nothing, you are enabling his behavior.

You could try writing him a letter and explain how it makes you feel. Leave it for him when you know he will see it and go for a walk, or go do the laundry. Let him think about it and see if he says anything.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You could try writing him a letter and explain how it makes you feel. Leave it for him when you know he will see it and go for a walk, or go do the laundry. Let him think about it and see if he says anything
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I was going to suggest writing a fairly short note or letter.

Or maybe you guys could text/email about it?
 
JanR said:
he keeps interrupting me, cutting me off, and won’t let me finish speaking. Even when I try to ask him a question, he won’t let me finish it.
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When he interrupts, stop speaking and let him talk til he stops.

Then ask “are you finished talking?”

When he says he is, then begin talking again.

Interruptions continue, simply go do something else. End the conversation on your end, don’t stomp or huff, just stop talking. Send him an email of what you were going to say in the conversation.

After a bit, he will realize that you are simply not going to talk to him if he is not going to be courteous. He will quickly tire of no conversations with his wife.
 
Are the two of you spending a lot more time together…because of the pandemic???

You say he’s done this for decades…are you maybe feeling it more, because you’re together more?

Just think it over…best of health, and God Bless!
 
Thanks, Folks.

I have placed my feelings and other information in writing, as well as telling him orally, so he’s plenty aware of this. It’s a deeply ingrained habit that takes time and effort to overcome. He just doesn’t seem to want to put the time and effort into it.

We’ve had communication problems throughout our marriage. It has been our biggest problem. The man is difficult to talk to. I have tried to set an example so he could see how I expect and wish to be treated, but he hasn’t caught on.

Our being together more hasn’t made much difference. It has always been this way.

I shall continue to pray about it, because it’s going to take a measure of Divine Intervention to improve things. I shall continue to try on my human level, as well.

The man isn’t stupid. He doesn’t want to open-mindedly address it. Apparently, he doesn’t think it’s important.
 
I can only give you an idea of how I’d handle it at this point. I’d write a letter to him explaining that you really can’t tolerate this behavior anymore and every time he interrupts you and won’t let you complete your thought, you will walk away…conversation over! But, you have to be willing to go through with it. He will probably follow you so HE can finish what HE wants to say…if so go into the bathroom and close the door…or walk outside…but do not turn back to face him…it’s allowing him to finish. He needs to learn the hard way that it really does take two to have a conversation. He won’t like it a bit…and that’s the point…neither do you.

I hope you can suggest counseling. It’s needed. The only other solution I can think of is what I’ve described above and writing it down seems like the only way you can communicate it. Good luck. This is not the way two people should ever treat each other.
 
JanR said:
He’s an intelligent man. This shouldn’t be so hard for him to understand.
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You’re confusing problem solving with emotional intelligence, which he, like me and most men have a very hard time understanding/learning.

Do NOT engage in tit-for-tat! Doing so, only becomes a new problem for him to solve.

Men/husbands are very much in-the-moment creatures. This is where you must do your work.

When he interrupts, slowly/gently/close to your body, lift your hand to a “stop” position and stop talking.
Do not get upset if he continues, just wait, when he’s done, finish your thought.

Don’t think this will be easy. He will do everything in his power to hang on to this bad habit. Always remain calm, do not walk away, go tit-for-tat, change subject or show any frustration or anger.

Depending on several factors, it could take weeks/months for his NEW listening habit to form.
 
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