How child-centric is your marriage?

[apricot_yogurt]

Thank you Brenda for your comments. DH and I don’t get to go out without the children-and actually we don’t want to leave them. We date in the house-we always make sure the last part of the evening is for us. I get disheartened because I feel I ought to be going out on dates because that is what everybody says we should be doing. KWIM?
Then I think of my parents, married for 35 years, and never dated in the conventional sense, and also think of my vocation as a parent and how God knows this, and all those couples blessed with many children whose marriages were good despite not getting to go out on dates.

 

[Jennifer_J]

The thing that sometimes causes women to be exhausted if they are working outside of the home is if they have a husband who doesn’t do his part with chores, etc at home. I stayed at home for a while, but once I went back to work–my husband didn’t ‘expect’ me to have dinner ready every night, as if I were home all day, or expect everything to be picked up. I am not his or the kids’ maids. I think what makes marriages successful when both parents are working, is when the husband checks his ego at the door, and realizes that his wife has a career, and he needs to do his part to take care of the household things, on his days off…and so do the kids, when they get older to do so. I think if I were staying at home now, both kids are in school, I would make sure everything at home was done of course. But, for me, I went back to work at a time when my husband lost his job, in his industry, and ever since, I’ve made a good living. I think that depending on the couple too…some men stay at home. I have read posts on here that talk about that. I think that it’s important for one parent to be there…when the kids are preschool. I get home shortly after my dd is home, and my son doesn’t get done with football until the evening…so for us, I don’t feel I’m taken away from them or activities.

Nor am I spent…my husband isn’t home most of the nights I am, so that is more where our situation lies. If he got home at 6pm every night or something, it would be a little easier. But, we must get creative, and that’s what we’ll have to do!

I worked while the oldest 2 were young–actually dh and I split shifts–I worked days and he worked nights so that we could avoid daycare. THAT was stressful on a marriage!! I wouldn’t recommend that for the long haul for most couples, but we knew it wouldn’t last forever. When he got his degree and got a “real” job our lives would be more stable, and it is! But it was a long time in coming…

We don’t do formal date nights. Too expensive and hard to find someone to watch 6 children. We do things as a family or we reconnect after the kids are in bed or even driving around in the car (ice cream works wonders in keeping kids quiet). We snuggle on the couch (no tv in the living room only in the family room). He brings me yummy treats if he has to work late. I pay attention to politics (which I hate) so I can have intelligent conversations with him. Those kinds of things go a long way, but we’re going to be kid centric for a long time because of their ages and the size of our family. That’s part of the deal of having a large family.
So, we attend Church weekly, pray as a family, read the Bible, etc for our faith life.
We take care of the children together, as a team.
And we keep our relationship going by being parents, friends and husband and wife–depending on the situation and the needs of the family at the time.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you everyone for your replies…Brenda…yes, I get it now! I appreciate you taking the time to re-reply. lol

I agree that when kids are little, a mom or dad should be home. For us, at that time, my husband had a very stable job, so I stayed at home. I was not yet working, my dh is nearly 11 yrs my senior, so I was just out of college when we married and started having kids. It was a wonderful time too…so glad we all had that time together.

I hadn’t thought of in house dates. We do spend a lot of time talking about life…politics…whatever…when the kids are outside riding bikes, or in their rooms doing homework. I hadn’t thought of that. I do miss going to the movies with my hubby though…it’s just something we always enjoyed when we were dating.

But…I just thought of maybe having a game night. That’s different. My dh and I were chatting about buying scattergories…anyone play that? DD said it’s sooo fun…so that could be something different while we’re home.:yup:

I wonder why the marriage ‘expert’ on that Christian talk show recommended getting out of the house together without the kids at least once per month? It doesn’t seem to be a popular sentiment here.

 

[Island_Oak]

Getting out for “grown-up time” has always been important for both of us. It definitely helps re-charge the batteries and appreciate all you have.

With two teenagers in the house now, it is harder to plan nights out on the weekends–we feel the need to be home and/or available for driving more than ever. However–something we have done is pick up activities that we can share. Two recent examples are cycling and golf. These can both be daytime activities (done when kiddos are in school) or early morning (before the kids are even awake). We also love our nights out to dinner together–but honestly with kid-oriented activities and other social events we’re lucky if the two of us get out once a month alone for dinner.

 

[monicatholic]

kid centric? sure. kid exclusive? no.

when daughter age 5 asks to come on our morning -out dates, we tell her “sorry, love ya, but no.” (we get one of those about every 6 weeks or thereabouts.) when babies are small and nursing, they come along.

when husband and i are heading out to the garden with cups of coffee, kids know the invisible No Kids Allowed sign is up. my husband and i never want for conversation, though we talk about the kids a lot, it’s not the exclusive conversation by any means.

the big kids help out with the little kids, but the big kids know their activities are on the calendar, their free time is assured, their good, fun stuff is a privalige, just like moms and dad’s is and we help each other get our turns at the good fun stuff. when we had all little kids, we’d hire a girl from church for babysitting about every two months. (nursing babies came then, too.)

we value kid activities, their music, youth group, sports stuff, but if our marriage is getting eaten up by kid activities, we cut some out.

our job is to be excellent loving, life-long married parents, lovingly and generously raising our kids in the faith. if the traveling hockey team is a detriment to that overall mission,(and it was) then we cut it from the roster.

this is not simply survival techniques of a large family. back when we had only 4 kids, an older, wiser mom told me her kids were allowed to choose two extracurricular activities and catechism was one of them.

she told me that families need family time-- not just time to accomadate kids stuff. and that couples need couple time-- even if that was just swinging on the porch swing-- no kids allowed.

i took it to heart. every word of it. many kids later (ten total kids), we haven’t been sorry.

 

[Brenda_V]

she told me that families need family time-- not just time to accomadate kids stuff. and that couples need couple time-- even if that was just swinging on the porch swing-- no kids allowed.

Monica, that was one wise friend you had/have!

This was good too

kid centric? sure. kid exclusive? no.

I wonder why the marriage ‘expert’ on that Christian talk show recommended getting out of the house together without the kids at least once per month? It doesn’t seem to be a popular sentiment here.

Good question. I have been hearing this from the marriage experts for my entire married life! This advise seems to fall flat on its face for some of us long time marrieds who didn’t follow it doesn’t it?

I also think that it kind of follows the idea that children are not important and that their needs are subsidiary to a husband’s and/or wife’s. It kind of follows the pro-death thoughts, “children are a burden who we need to get away from in order to reconnect”.

Again, remember there are stages of life, infancy, toddlerhood, school age, teenage, young adult, adult, adult’s with children, adult’s with grown children (this is when you get to start date nights more frequently again ). If you keep this in mind you will be able to go several months without going to the movies together and find other ways to connect.

Have you talked to you husband about your desire for a “date night”? He might just make it happen, ya never know!

Brenda V.

 

[mini_me640]

This is my one gripe with the church -

my marriage will be child centric they will come first second and third in my life - before me, before my husband and before my job.

**Certainly your kids should come before your job, but marriage is a sacrament and is your vocation, your path to holiness. If your marriage comes after your children, your marriage is likely to suffer, causing an unstable home. An unstable home is the worst possible thing for children. **

Children are a wonderful beautiful gift and they should be cherished way above a grown man (or woman) who is quite capable of fending for himself.

**Of course children are a wonderful gift, but a husband and wife are to model Christ and the Church. Does Christ cherish anything more than his bride (the church)? Should the Church cherish anything more than Christ? **

My h2b knows this - he is well aware, if I put him first I could miss the signs of child abuse, I could miss the signs that my children were struggling and I **will not **do that.

**I am not clear how putting your husband and marriage first could cause you to miss signs of child abuse… Loving your spouse and prioritizing him does not mean ignoring or neglecting the children. **

Regardless of the arguments that have been put on this board before children to me are and will alway be and should always be the most important thing in a parents life.

**The best possible thing for happy children is a stable home where the parents love and are totally committed to eachother. The children should be the priority of you as a couple, but putting them ahead of the marriage itself can cause problems. Prioritizing your marriage and caring for your children are not mutually exclusive. **

Because children are for life.

**In Catholicism, marriage is also for life. **

 

[bunnynessuk]

Prioritising a man over your children can be extremely dangerous and detrimental - loving your children above all else does not mean not loving your husband it means accepting and cherishing the responsibility of having and loving children and putting their needs above all else and this is fully what I intend to do - my husband 2 b is very loved by me and I by him however we already have an understanding of how the children will come before all else.

And my marriage would not suffer because of something which we have both accepted and discussed prior to entering the sacrament.

My h2b is fully aware of my views - and I of his. We both want our children to be at the forefront of our lives I do not see how putting them first damages a marriage which was enterered into with this belief.

My husband 2 b is a grown man - putting our children at the centre of our lives will not cause him to ‘suffer’ I can so no need of his which would have a greater requirement than that of a child.

 

[_Jenn]

I wouldn’t call my marriage child-centric or spouse-centric. I’d call it family-centric. Which means, depending on the day, time, circumstances, etc. - either spouse comes first, or child comes first. There are times when our son’s needs are far more important than mine or my dh’s. And there are times when our son gets taught valuable life lessons by learning that mommy & daddy weren’t just dropped onto this planet when he was born to be at his beck & call.

We don’t have regular standing “date nights” - if we’re lucky, I’d say we get 2-3 a year. Which works for us. Because if we need time to ourselves, we can get that after our son goes to bed. Or, if it’s something pressing, we ask him to head to his room which is full of things to keep him occupied for all eternity. LOL

We have many roles in our lives and it’s important to us that we don’t just place the mom/dad roles in #1 position at all times. Our other roles need to be important and nurtured as well.

 

[RWMorris]

I always told my husband, “YOU come first.” I believe that husband and wife come first, unified, before the children. I think that presents a united front to children.
Having said that, I also stayed home with my children when they were small and they knew that Mommy would always be there for them, to take care of them and nurture them. But when Dad came in the door, after greetings and hugs, HE got lots of my attention and it didn’t seem to hurt my kids at all. In fact I think they were reassured that I put their dad first.
They have certainly turned out well (our youngest is 19).

 

[choose_to_love]

Bunny, in my experience - - married eight years, kids for four, three total, ages 4.5, 3.5, and 1.5 - - the attitude that kids come first, before the spouse is a potentially damaging one. It’s good that you’ve spoken with your fiance’ regarding this issue, but the adamant tone of your posts, especially when you are not married and do not yet have kids, warrants proceeding with caution and maybe some more discernment regarding the roles as disciple, spouse, and parent, in my opinion. How can you or your future hubby know in advance how either of you are going to feel if you really put the kids before the spouse to the extent suggested by your posts so far?

Also, I think that many of our attitudes and expectations regarding parenting are reactions to those qualities of our own parents’ parenting choices with which we do not agree. You may want to examine where your attitudes are coming from (not saying you haven’t already, but perhaps in response to the posters who have had long marriages with kids).

Anyway, I don’t want to sound preachy, but your posts really struck me. I have found that if I/we are not making a concentrated effort to keep each other second (after God), that our relationship suffers immediately, and that the spousal relationship always is a) a decision to love, not a feeling and b) requires work even in the best of circumstances.

We attended a Marriage Encounter weekend, and while there is no organized or required sharing with other couples, several couples did share their experiences as well as the team couples. All warned against what they termed the “married single” life and putting kids before the marriage. By that is meant that there is no couple time, and each partner has their individual commitments and kid commitments but no couple commitments, and how that is destructive to the marriage. I would echo mini_me’s comments that the best thing you can give to your children is the example of a loving happy marriage.

Whatevergirl, if you can get away for a weekend, I’d strongly recommend Marriage Encounter. It gives good tools for connecting emotionally in a short time period - - typically 20 minutes. Also, what about a “book date”? Either you both read and talk about what you read, or you can read to each other, maybe on a couples’ topic or a spiritual topic? Anyway it’s non-kid time.

I think Monicatholic has the right idea. It’s OK to tell kids it’s mommy and daddy time. Hard to do when they’re really young, but getting much easier as they get older.

 

[whatevergirl]

Prioritising a man over your children can be extremely dangerous and detrimental - loving your children above all else does not mean not loving your husband it means accepting and cherishing the responsibility of having and loving children and putting their needs above all else and this is fully what I intend to do - my husband 2 b is very loved by me and I by him however we already have an understanding of how the children will come before all else.

And my marriage would not suffer because of something which we have both accepted and discussed prior to entering the sacrament.

My h2b is fully aware of my views - and I of his. We both want our children to be at the forefront of our lives I do not see how putting them first damages a marriage which was enterered into with this belief.

My husband 2 b is a grown man - putting our children at the centre of our lives will not cause him to ‘suffer’ I can so no need of his which would have a greater requirement than that of a child.

For obvious reasons, children need to be taken care of, nurtured and shown attention…in abundant ways–often sacrificing time between a wife and husband. I think it’s unncessary that anyone get a pecking order within a family, however…I agree with the poster who talked about their household being ‘family centric.’ But, I believe that it’s entirely possible to give 100% to the marriage and to kids. It’s the ideal, anyways. I think that kids need to see a healthy marriage…where their needs are being met, but that the needs of a strong healthy marriage are being met.

I think being family centric is the answer, after reading through this thread…thanks for the comments, everyone.