How close should family members get to each other?

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Benjamin89

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I’m in highschool. I was laying on the floor infront of the TV, and my sister was next to me. While I was laying on the floor I wrote letters with my finger on my sister’s arm, and had her guess what they were. At one point I did put my legs over the top of her. And I rubbed her head too. I also gave her a hug. Of course I was not doing this to my own sister for sexual gratification, but at some point I thought about whether I should get up off the floor. Was it wrong to be a slob like that? For some reason afterwards I felt bad, like I had done somthing wrong. It made me feel bad. What the heck went on here? Did I sin? Should I not have gotten that close to my sister, even though I wasn’t doing it for a sexual reason? And do I need to tell the priest when I go to confession because I will if I should. Another thing, why did I feel bad after this happened? I feel sort of embarrassed about posting this. Thanks so much for your help!
 
You may feel embarrassed, but certainly it was not a sin.

Sin needs the intention.
 
If you have no sexual desire for your sis then I don’t see what you did as wrong. Some people are just physically affectionate and have a need to touch others.

Maybe someone at one time or another gave you the impression that hugging your sister was wrong. Now, if your sister at anytime indicates that she is uncomfortable with your level of affection, then don’t show her the same sort of affection.

As far as lying on the floor and being a slob, I don’t see anything wrong with watching tv from the floor. I am 39 and I often lay on the floor with my daughters to watch television.
 
Should I bother telling the priest about this during confession though?
 
Oh, my goodness, NO!!

I am a 41 year old mom who has 3 boys (10, 12, and 14). Every since my boys were babies, we would cuddle on the couch in “nests” when we would watch movies or some TV show. I would snuggle with them, rub their backs or tummies, etc. As they grew older, they would sometimes rub my back or play with my hair (I have longer hair, so they liked to braid it, etc). We STILL do this. (My 14 year old less so, but he still likes to cuddle with me on occassion). There is absolutely NOTHING sexual about any of this, but we all like the physical touch. It is not uncommon to have Dad lying on the floor in front of the couch, me on the couch, one son tucked in front of me, another tucked in front of Dad, and the third somewhere inbetween (behind me, at Dad’s feet, etc). Also thrown into this menagerie are 2 cats and a dog.

So, given all this touching and closeness from the time they were very small babies, they are very used to this. The 3 of them all sleep together in one bed on the weekends, they will pile together on the floor to watch cartoons, etc.

There is absolutely nothing sexual about any of this, but they are all very close.

We would never even THINK of confessing this, as there is nothing to confess!!
 
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Benjamin89:
I’m in highschool. I was laying on the floor infront of the TV, and my sister was next to me. While I was laying on the floor I wrote letters with my finger on my sister’s arm, and had her guess what they were. At one point I did put my legs over the top of her. And I rubbed her head too. I also gave her a hug. Of course I was not doing this to my own sister for sexual gratification, but at some point I thought about whether I should get up off the floor. Was it wrong to be a slob like that? For some reason afterwards I felt bad, like I had done somthing wrong. It made me feel bad. What the heck went on here? Did I sin? Should I not have gotten that close to my sister, even though I wasn’t doing it for a sexual reason? And do I need to tell the priest when I go to confession because I will if I should. Another thing, why did I feel bad after this happened? I feel sort of embarrassed about posting this. Thanks so much for your help!
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I think if you are feeling awkward about such intimacy with a sister you might listen to your cue and back off a bit. You don’t need to shut your sister out of your life but it will not harm to back off on the physical touching quite a bit…especially at your age.

To say that platonic intimate touching can’t lead to something more is ignorance. I know a very young good looking man who ‘lived’ with his beautiful female cousin for 7 years! This ended when someone’s parents spoke up! He went on to marry someone wonderful and she did too. They both just need a reality check…to help them move on.

Love your sister but save your legs and hand caresses for someone else…a non-relative.

Don’t feel bad about all this. It is how we learn as we go along.
 
On one hand, touch is over-sexualized by our society. Non-sexual touch can be a great remedy for an over-sexualized society. Prudishness (not to be confused with prudence) only serves to give all touch sexual implications out of a sense of paranoia. My high school students are so paranoid about being touched that they are even freaked out if I touch their arm in assurance, or brush against them accidentally.

On the other hand, chastity is necessary in all of our relationships. There is a problem (a near occasion of sin) that is often overlooked in today’s society, called “familiarity.” Familiarity means becoming too physically comfortable or close with people so that chastity is endangered, not by direct sexual temptation, but by the failure to control our physical expressions of closeness. I recall falling into this as a teenager - sitting on the couch in a pile with my female friends, giving and receiving back rubs and hugs. While it was not always sexual, it created in me a carelessness around women that did get me into trouble.

Are you falling into the sin of familiarity? I’m not sure warnings against this near-occasion of sin were meant for family members. Family should be a safe place for non-sexual physical closeness. My warning might be the opposite of comtemplative’s - save such familiarity for family members (as long as it remains non-sexual) - and beware of it with non-relatives.
 
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Arrowood:
My warning might be the opposite of comtemplative’s - save such familiarity for family members (as long as it remains non-sexual) - and beware of it with non-relatives.
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Arrowood I respect your (name removed by moderator)ut but did you take into account the age of the OP?
My DH’s 20 year career in law enforcement…most of which was as a juvenile officer saw a number of cases of incest among young adults (male & female) with younger siblings. The OP does not state the age of his sister. Regardless of her age the fact is she is oblivious to any danger in his physical advances…and the OP knows that.
I’d say that considering the OP stated that he is feeling awkward and also considering his age he should back off and consider sharing caresses and leg hugs with non-family members. Better yet…this is a good time for the OP to consider the boundaries one must draw to remain chaste.
 
Contemplative,

I’ll have to defer to your greater experience here. As a high school teacher, I know that high school students are able to understand distinctions such as the one that I made. However, I also know that teen emotions are very strong and can overcome rational thought. However, I do not know the prevalence of incest or what may trigger it.

Benjamin 89,

If you felt bad about it, your feelings don’t necessarily mean that you sinned. However, they may mean that you have the potential for sin in that situation. Back off of the physical familiarity a bit and focus on your authentic love for your sister - to make sure that you don’t awaken a sinful tendency or habit that may be lurking in your fallen physical appetites without your awareness. But don’t be overridden with guilt about your past action. There was nothing objectively wrong with it.
 
Thanks a bundle for your help. This makes me feel pretty bad: In think at one point I thought about whether I should be doing what I was doing. Does that make my whole predicament a lot worse, and should I even be posting personal information like this in the forums?
 
It is good to try to work through confusion about the moral life. The fact is that you desire to do the right thing - to become a good person. That is awesome. I hope that our discussion here has helped you to clarify your moral predicament a little bit.

As far as being too personal, I am not a moderator or even a frequent visitor, but my opinion is that you are fine sharing what you shared. You didn’t give any identifying information. I would also bet that you are not the only one out there with this kind of question.

From here, the goal is to turn your guilt into positive action. Don’t think poorly of yourself - you are not a pervert or a freak or a terrible sinner (at least not any more than any of us). You are a normal fallen human person seeking to overcome sin and temptation. The question for you now is where are you going to go from here in your quest for goodness?
 
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