How concerned should I be about "little" white lies?

[EasterJoy]

I agree with you. I really have a lot of work to do in that area, and I intend to do it.
It is more difficult when I’ve lost a great deal of respect for him as a result of these lies though. I really don’t like the feeling of not respecting my husband’s character.

I supposed I will just keep working on my own character in the meantime and offer it up to God.

Don’t get me wrong. That was a “yes, but” comment, but the “but” was in no way meant to disqualify the unequivocal “yes”.

You and your husband had an understanding, and he violated it. He’s wrong, period, and I don’t care what “anger control issues” you have. If you’re that dangerous, he needs to get out. Otherwise, he needs to stick around and tell the truth.

If somebody lies to you, you go ahead and call them on it. If they say, “I lied because you intimidate me”, the answer is “I’ll work on that, we can talk about that, but in the meantime, I need to trust you absolutely. I can’t have you lying to me, not now, not ever.” I only made my comment on the chance that your husband is also lying to you by failing to tell you he lies because he fears the confrontations that come when he tells the truth, and that you might not realize that issue could be more important than you know.

 

[Schieffelin]

I just wanted to post a word of encouragement for you. I could have written this when I had been married for two years and I can’t tell you how much things have changed since then. You shouldn’t feel that it is uncommon at all to have problems so early on in a marriage. Many people feel disillusioned by the lack of a “newlywed” phase.

As for advice on how to make things change. I can only say for us it was the grace of God. Pray (together if you can, alone if you can’t) to St. Joseph, patron of families, and say the rosary and try to get on a schedule of regular confession with a good confessor.

Thank you, papaececi. It means a lot to me to hear encouragement from someone who has been through this and that things can get better. I appreciate it deeply.

 

[Schieffelin]

Don’t get me wrong. That was a “yes, but” comment, but the “but” was in no way meant to disqualify the unequivocal “yes”.

You and your husband had an understanding, and he violated it. He’s wrong, period, and I don’t care what “anger control issues” you have. If you’re that dangerous, he needs to get out. Otherwise, he needs to stick around and tell the truth.

If somebody lies to you, you go ahead and call them on it. If they say, “I lied because you intimidate me”, the answer is “I’ll work on that, we can talk about that, but in the meantime, I need to trust you absolutely. I can’t have you lying to me, not now, not ever.” I only made my comment on the chance that your husband is also lying to you by failing to tell you he lies because he fears the confrontations that come when he tells the truth, and that you might not realize that issue could be more important than you know.

Yep, I agree with you. I appreciate your advice. I have said almost verbatim what you suggested above. I’m hoping that it sinks in a little more each time… Sometimes he really seems to get it and he did apologize today for what happened. I think it’s a bad habit that he’s developed over a lifetime and it could take a long time to break.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yep, I agree with you. I appreciate your advice. I have said almost verbatim what you suggested above. I’m hoping that it sinks in a little more each time… Sometimes he really seems to get it and he did apologize today for what happened. I think it’s a bad habit that he’s developed over a lifetime and it could take a long time to break.

If I had to gamble, I’d bet you were right.