How culpable am I regarding husband and sex?

[reallyembarrass]

sigh We need to avoid pregnancy right now. I could have died with the complications from my last pregnancy. My husband and I are in agreement that we need to avoid. I have 5 young children and can not handle any more right now. However my husband will initiate sexual behavior that we both know the Church says is wrong: mutual masturbation. I do not initiate behavior like this when I am fertile or otherwise. My husband does and he knows it is wrong. Am I supposed to remind him every time this is a sin? Am I supposed to refuse him? I have conflicting thoughts about the verses in scripture saying our bodies belong to our spouses now. I know I have read that if a spouse refuses to use NFP and wants to use contraception the faithful spouse can engage in contraceptive sex with them if they are the ones not using the birth control. If my husband initiates this do I refuse every time? Do I tell him it is not allowed? Where is the balance? I know we aren’t supposed to refuse our spouses sexually…obviously within reason…but what if your spouse wants this and knows its wrong but still…?

 

[reallyembarrass]

26 people have read this and no one has any idea?

 

[buckr02]

26 people have read this and no one has any idea?

Try to be patient, I’m sure you’ll get some good responses. I’m sure many people, like myself, just don’t have experience with this type of problem. If you don’t understand the Church’s teaching on the issue of sex, I could help you to an extent, but as for an “unruly” husband, I’m not sure how to help.

 

[Just_Lurking]

26 people have read this and no one has any idea?

Just the obvious one – that you should talk to your priest about this.

 

[reallyembarrass]

Just the obvious one – that you should talk to your priest about this.

Ah, yes, the easier said than done one! LOL I don’t have access to talk to him in the confessional for about a week and I am definitely not calling him on the phone and asking him because of that whole embarrassed thing. I don’t WANT to ask in confession either for that matter. I’d rather just confess it as sin on my part than ask a celibate man how to handle my husband initiating this.

 

[rpp]

Ah, yes, the easier said than done one! LOL I don’t have access to talk to him in the confessional for about a week and I am definitely not calling him on the phone and asking him because of that whole embarrassed thing. I don’t WANT to ask in confession either for that matter. I’d rather just confess it as sin on my part than ask a celibate man how to handle my husband initiating this.

Priests have heard it all. Do not be afraid or concerned.

 

[reallyembarrass]

I understand that but what is the point of this forum here if we can all just be told to go ask a priest? I have had one priest tell me I can use birth control so I know that asking a priest doesn’t mean I will necessarily get an accurate answer on what the Church teaches.

 

[GraceDK]

Sister in Jesus…
I hear you and wish I could give you some advice…
But I am not married myself.
I understand that your husband is tempted but of course his actions are not okay. Does he has an understanding of the fact that he is sinning, does he comprehend it as such?
Does he realise he is disturning his own relationship with the Lord?
What happens when we sin in this way is that we hurt not only ourselves and God but also our spouse or whoever we take with us into sin. Of course its madly difficult to say “no” to a man that you are married to and attracted to when he knows just how to approach …
So I think you have to do the hard thing: sit him down and talk to him. Tell him about Church teaching and that what he is doing is wrong. That you would love to sleep with him but right now you are just too exhausted for another baby and you need a little space every month. Tell him to please **respect and love you **enough to make this sacrifice.

:hug1:

 

[rpp]

I understand that but what is the point of this forum here if we can all just be told to go ask a priest? I have had one priest tell me I can use birth control so I know that asking a priest doesn’t mean I will necessarily get an accurate answer on what the Church teaches.

Neither this nor any internet forum can ever replace the counsel of a faithful priest. For the sake of your soul, do not use this forum to make determinations about what you should or should not do.

The situation you have described is a complicated one. Much information is needed before a reasonable decision can be reached. Only a face-to-face meeting with a man priest well-versed in the moral teachings of the Church can result is a reasonable conclusion.

Of course there are priests out there who make statements that do not seem to be in line with Church teachings. If you are aware of this, then avoid them. Remember, you can talk to any priest at any parish.

 

[allhers]

watch fr. corapi on ewtn

 

[newbetx]

I understand that but what is the point of this forum here if we can all just be told to go ask a priest? I have had one priest tell me I can use birth control so I know that asking a priest doesn’t mean I will necessarily get an accurate answer on what the Church teaches.

ah, yep… you may not get the support you need from priests…Don’t really understand why, but I’ve seen reports here.

What is your husband’s relationship with the church?
Does he think he’s entitled to sex anytime he wants without consequence? Does he have any respect for Pope John Paul II?

 

[newbetx]

Neither this nor any internet forum can ever replace the counsel of a faithful priest. For the sake of your soul, do not use this forum to make determinations about what you should or should not do.

The situation you have described is a complicated one. Much information is needed before a reasonable decision can be reached. Only a face-to-face meeting with a man priest well-versed in the moral teachings of the Church can result is a reasonable conclusion.

Of course there are priests out there who make statements that do not seem to be in line with Church teachings. If you are aware of this, then avoid them. Remember, you can talk to any priest at any parish.

Agreed, but like a lawyer, never ask a question in public that you don’t know what the answer is going to be.

 

[kage_ar]

Is your husband a practicing Catholic?

This really IS a question for your Priest.

 

[Nickkname]

You don’t need to ask a priest - your answer is in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, wherein it states: “Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” (2351) The marital act - just like marriage - has two ends: union of the couple and the transmission of life. If one of the two is absent from sex, than it is immoral. And remember, you must be chaste. “Married people are called to live conjugal chastity” (2349).

 

[newbetx]

Is your husband a practicing Catholic?

This really IS a question for your Priest.

These questions have been asked before and yes, a well educated priest should be able to answer them, but it would be a mute point if your husband does not respect them or understand the reasoning behind things. And worse if he does not understand his relationship he should have for his wife. I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest something that may or may not be true since I havent’ seen it said here, but being “there” myself for so long, it might be close to the truth here. Forgive me if I’m off base.

I’d suggest that your husband does not understand the relationship about sex he should have with his wife and why. And that might not be so obvious given today’s culture. However, even for him, there is GREAT news from JP II. I would suggest that to educate yourselves on the “whys” behind the “rules” by reading a book called “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. It’s popular with folks here, like myself, that thought the Churches “rules” were just crazy and limiting. I had no clue how selfish I was and how damaging to our relationship it had become. I strongly suggest that you and especially your husband read it. It will help, but maybe over time. We can be rather stuborn about that sex stuff. But at least it’s here in an easy to grasp form.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I highly recommend that both of you read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. If you have read it, read it again. It sounds like there is an issue with respect that is lacking here. Just my opinion.

sigh We need to avoid pregnancy right now. I could have died with the complications from my last pregnancy. My husband and I are in agreement that we need to avoid.

First off, it is good to know that you both do agree that for your health, that this is not the time to get pregnant. It seems like as of now, the boundaries have been placed upon the times that you can be intimate.

I have 5 young children and can not handle any more right now. However my husband will initiate sexual behavior that we both know the Church says is wrong: mutual masturbation.

So you both know that it is wrong, why does he continue to walk down this path?

I do not initiate behavior like this when I am fertile or otherwise. My husband does and he knows it is wrong. Am I supposed to remind him every time this is a sin?

If he knows that it is wrong, why does he need to be reminded?

Am I supposed to refuse him?

We, as husbands and wives are called to get our spouse to heaven, would enabling him in sin help to get him to heaven?

I have conflicting thoughts about the verses in scripture saying our bodies belong to our spouses now.

In the bible it states that wives are to be submissive to their husbands. That is, under the mission of their husband. Right after that, the husbands are called to love their wives. To love them as Christ loves the Church.

I know I have read that if a spouse refuses to use NFP and wants to use contraception the faithful spouse can engage in contraceptive sex with them if they are the ones not using the birth control.

In certain circumstances, yes, this can be true. However, one must be sure where the intent of this lies. If you and your husband are practicing NFP and then he starts to use a condom just so that you can have sex, that is a double edge sword. First, he is going against the teachings of the Catholic Chruch with regards to ABC. Secondly, sex has not become what it was created for. It is no longer unitive and procreative. It becomes more about the act of sex and not the fruits that come from that act.

If my husband initiates this do I refuse every time?

You need boundaries and he needs to respect them.

Do I tell him it is not allowed?

You made it sound as if he already knew this?

Where is the balance?

What is the balance that you are searching for? A way to engage in sex that will not make you feel guilty? Again, sex is a gift from God and we need to treat it that way, not abuse it for our own selfish pleasure.

I know we aren’t supposed to refuse our spouses sexually…obviously within reason…but what if your spouse wants this and knows its wrong but still…?

Again, you need to read the aforementioned book. You need to talk with your husband about how this makes you feel. You should not be used simply because he is “in the mood.” The book will help you both to realize the value of sex and the respect that you should have for each other and for each other’s bodies.

 

[Harmony1988]

Good post mirror mirror

 

[GratefulDad]

What Mirror Mirror said.

Also:
"Michelle Arnold:

It is important to remember the purpose of marriage: To provide for each spouse a partner to help him or her on the road to heaven. It is a vocation that forms the partners in sanctity, whether or not their marriage is blessed with children."

The Church upholds St. Paul’s teaching regarding conjugal chastity:

"1 Corinthians 7: 4-5

4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control."

It is times like these that are meant to pray together. You and your husband might be surprised how intimate and fulfilling the Holy Spirit can make saying the Rosary together.

 

[fellowChristian]

I do have to remind my husband and say no when he is in the wrong.

It’s kinda of like this question my daughter asked…

God says to honor your mother and father.

What if your mother tells you to steal something.

do you listen to her and do it,afterall God said to honor her.

Answer…

If mother wants to break one of God’s other laws then we can’t listen to her. We honor her by being the best Christian we can and follow God’s laws.

My husband also reminds me when I’m wrong thats how the sacrament of Matrimony can keep us on the right track.

Honestly my husband can not come near me during that time when we can’t. He keeps himself very busy while we wait. It drives me nuts because I know I can’t touch him or else I will set him off, so I keep my hands to myself and we wait. Oh sure a kiss goodnight or holding hands but not anything that might become sexual. If it does then I have to say in a loving voice “you know we can’t” then we find a way to release that energy in another way.
I clean he takes our dog for walks.
Needless to say our home is very clean:blush: but our dog is still fat

He also goes to Adoration and that I think has made him stronger.

 

[Nacho_ire]

your body is not the control of your husband.
you should never use birth control.
you should not let him use birth control if he wants too tell him you will not be involved with him sexually if he thinks that love can exists with a contraceptive mentality.
the problem you are having, is a husband problem. he needs to read up on the theology of the body. the pure love club website offers a book called “theology of the body for beginners”. this book helped me a lot with my distorted idea of what love and lust was. since i read the book i feel great its like a new world has been revealed to me.
pray for him, and for your marriage.