How did your parents "control" you at church?

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DisorientingSneeze

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The latest round of disruptive kids at mass threads (that can often turn to talk of how it should be from some of the childless and defensiveness from some of those of us in the trenches of parenting young kids and doing our best) have inspired this thread.

This one isn’t about how it should be or what you would do as a parent. What do you remember about your parents trying to control you at church?
 
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I remember my Dad would often take off his wedding ring or college ring and hand it to us, or do weird things to the veins on the back of his hands. This usually only lasted a short time, but it seemed to get us temporarily quietly fixated on his hands, our hands, all hands.

Separating us was a must. Proximity to eachother for my sister and me was a ticking timebomb of uncontrollable laughter. As adults we still won’t sit next to eachother in church. Too risky. My parents only had the two of us. Separating kids when you have a lot more of them is much more like creating a seating chart.
 
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I rememer my mother whispering in my ear what we saw - “now they are singing text xyz, now they are bringing the host” so I was silent and interested. Sometimes, a “shhh” came, not only from her, but from older parish ladies.
Honestly, I didn´t dared to be loud when I remeber the way they looked at me when I made louder noises.
 
I was a good child during Mass. But before Mass, when I was real little, I was a little wiggle worm. I’d peer underneath the pew at other parishioners and swing my legs back and forth.

I think Mama just shushed me and told me to be still.
 
We were just shown and “taught” from day one (we were taken with my parents each week possible from infancy on) that we needed to sit quietly and behave in Church. The earliest actual memory I have of Church is of looking through my children’s Mass and prayer book with pictures of a Priest at the various stages of the Mass and very basic descriptions under each picture of what was happening so that I could try to “match it” with what I was seeing happen at the altar. We also were shown to follow our parents’ lead and kneel, stand, or sit at the appropriate times when they did, so that in itself keeps one occupied quite a bit, too, in a Catholic Church! The same held true for going to restaurants or similar events. We were simply taught that being loud at places like that or acting out just wasn’t done, and we didn’t want to risk a spanking. ( Spankings were rare and well deserved.) Even at home, we knew we shouldn’t run around the house screaming or making a huge ruckus. It just wasn’t done - whether there were guests visiting or anytime.
 
I was a pretty quiet kid, so I’d just sit there.

As a mom, my oldest was a little bit fidgety. Sometimes we’d sit in the cry room.

One time he was fidgety, and two old ladies behind me whispered remarks about him the entire mass.

They were significantly more disruptive then he was.
 
I grew up Protestant.

My mother (who grew up Pentecostal) did not believe in bringing babies and small children to church until they were old enough to understand what was going on.

So she taught us about Jesus and the Bible at home until I was 7 years old. I went to church for the first time then, and I loved it and had no problem behaving because I was mature enough to sit still and be quiet, even during the pastor’s 45 minute sermon.

I realize that the Catholic Church includes even babies in the membership roster, but I know that the Catholic church does not OBLIGATE children to be at Mass until they are 7 years old (how did my mother know the right age?! hmmm).

If I had become Catholic when I was young, I would not have brought my babies and toddlers to Mass. My husband and I would have changed off child-care duties and attended Mass separately. I would not be capable of spending my entire Mass shushing babies who don’t understand why they have to be quiet, and corralling toddlers who don’t understand why they have to sit still for a whole hour. I know many people do it with joy, but that’s not me. I don’t mind if others bring their babies and toddlers to Mass, but I wouldn’t do it. I believe strongly in “child readiness,” and I think that everyone, especially the children, are happier if they are exposed to activities and subjects when their minds and bodies are ready. I think they get more out of it.

What I probably would have done is what I did in the Protestant churches–when they were around 3 years old, I started bringing my daughters into the church service for a few minutes (Welcome, Announcements, Greeting each other, Opening Hymn) and then I took them down to the nursery/children’s church. I gradually increased the time that they were in the church service, and by the time they were around 5-6 years old, they were capable of not only sitting still and being quiet, but they could sing the hymns (which I started teaching them when they were just 3 years old) and participate in the Greetings).

I know many Catholics disagree with me, but I am not likely to change my mind. And I would ask Catholics to consider why so many young families stop attending Mass altogether and then never return even when their children are older. The Protestant churches we attended generally had an attendance/membership roster that was 25% former Catholics. Many of them loved our nurseries and children’s church programs. Could this be one reason why people leave Catholicism–because they are weary of wrestling with their children every Sunday (when Holy Mother Church doesn’t even require it!)?

Yes, I do realize that the Mass imparts graces to all who attend, even babies, but I still think that waiting until they are the age that the church suggests (7 years old) is what I and my husband would have done.
 
One more thing because I know it will come up—I have no problem with parents bringing children with ADHD, Asperger’s, and any other syndromes that make it difficult or impossible for a person to sit quietly for an hour. Actually, I don’t have any problem with ANYONE who brings ANYONE to Mass!–I’m just talking about me here and my personal preferences in child rearing, which the Catholic Church allows (age 7 Mass Obligation).
 
Gentle reminder: this thread is for childhood memories. There are plenty of threads about what we do with our own kids or what should be done with kids.

That being said, starting a thread is like hosting a party. I’m not the boss of anyone.😆
 
My youngest son was born premature. He’s been to mass practically every Sunday since he was released from the hospital.

It isn’t that hard.

I can’t imagine him not being at mass until just 2 years ago. His oldest sibling is more than seven years older. I couldn’t imagine how to manage Sundays.

Also, he’s in Catholic school. They go to mass all together at our parish. The younger kids (pre k to first) get a buddy from the older grades 7th and 8th). The buddy helps when they attend mass.
 
We were taught how to behave in general, not just at Church.

I remember how people used to commend my parents about how well behaved we were, as a kid I found that strange because we were simply being our normal selves. Now, I see the difference!

Children (and I am not speaking of children with specific disabilities) will behave in the way that they are allowed to behave. They rise the the expectations set for them. We were raised that mom and dad were mom and dad. They were not our playmates, they loved us and cared for us but we were subject to them in authority.

There was no abuse or beatings, we had standards set for us.

It would nave never entered my mind to run amok or yell or pitch fits.

All I can say is to set standards, these apply to parents as well. Table manners, the ability to sit quietly without electronic entertainment, sitting together to listen to music, read books, etc. is simply to be part of every day.
 
They didn’t because we didn’t start going to Church until it was time to make communion and then we stopped going promptly after.

We were those kind of Catholics.

My kids are pretty good. My oldest was a tough kid in mass up until 4. We would bring her to the back of the church or hubby and I would swap church times. My middle has never been an issue, has always behaved, and seems to like mass. My youngest spent ALOT of time in the cry room. She was a runner and loved to disappear on me. It became her mission to make a beeline to the alter whenever she could.
At that point we knew enough people/families who could help and snag her before she got too far.

We’ve done loss of privileges, separating siblings between hubby and I and using the cry room. We have finally hit a point where we can bring all the girls and not have to separate them. I have a 7, 5, and 3 year old. The 7 year old is starting faith formation and hubby is mostly in charge of her at mass…I kept an eye on the other two.

I’m all about keeping kids home but real life tends get in the way and when you have multiple kids between 7 and 1…it gets old not going to mass as a family.
 
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We only went to Mass for occasions like Christmas, Easter, Baptisms, etc. I don’t recall there being much of struggle, behavior wise, though my parents might disagree. I think it was such a novel experience for us, by the time we were done looking around and taking it all in, it was half over. Of course, we knew all the Christmas carols and could sing along, so that was helpful.
 
Nothing. My parents did not take me to church, and when I went with my neighbors it was because I wanted to go.
 
Yup. Same here. It wasn’t something special we were taught at church or about church, it was what we were taught about behaving any where.

So what we learned at home also applied at “God’s house.” With the addition of no standing on the kneelers. Always face forward. Kneel, sit, stand when everyone else does. 😊
 
heidi_storage said:
when I went with my neighbors it was because I wanted to go.
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Oooh that could be a whole different thread (which is not to say you are by any means off topic) The experience of attending a different church with a friend’s family!
 
1ke said:
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DisorientingSneeze:
What do you remember about your parents trying to control you at church?
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Mine didn’t have to control me. I actually wanted to be there, wanted to sit in the front pew, and sang my heart out for every hymn.

I was a weird kid.
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Me too. We did sit in the front row, and as a naturally introverted person, I didn’t want to do anything crazy to draw attention to myself either. Lol. We never went to the cry room…if needed, my parents just brought us outside for a few moments.

They did sit between my brothers and I though.
 
My parents didn’t take us to church until we could be trusted to behave or seven years old, whichever came first.
 
I don’t recall our parents ever having major issues with us. I have five siblings (I’m the oldest) and was 9 when my youngest brother was born.

We sat in the front pew so we could see what was going on. Our parents got us children’s missals and our parish got the Living with Christ monthly missalettes so we could follow along.

I was taken to church for the first time when I was about a week old and baptized at 17 days old.

I just don’t remember us ever acting out. We were taught to behave from an early age. If a little one started crying or something usually one of our friends would offer to take him. (We attended a rural parish so we knew most of the parishioners.)
 
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