How do I avoid someone without being rude?

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Abigail,

I think one thing that needs to be addressed to her is her admission of emotional problems and her refusal to take responsibility for her own actions. If she can recognize that she’s doing something, then she can work to stop it. She has options of counseling, medication, therapies, etc. to help her. Other people have done it, so can she. She is not to think she’s “let off the hook” for her sins of gossip, etc. simply because she has emotional problems.

You mentioned that she doesn’t seem to understand or agree that she has these problems. I would guess she probably does, but knows that admitting such things means she’ll have to do something about it.

I have also dealt with such folks before. In fact, I would say most communities have at least one. Living in a small community can make it more difficult (I’ve been living in communities of 350-2000 people for the last fifteen years). However, in other ways it makes it easier. The other people know she’s like this, but maybe you’re the first person to have the guts to stand up to her “Christian” guilt-tripping. If others have been duped by her whining, then that’s their problem, not yours. You’re just the newest person she’s hoping to leech onto.

So, go ahead and be on the rude side if it’s needed. Jesus called the Pharisees and teachers of the Law “brood of vipers” on more than one occasion. He did this with them because they, of all people, should have known better. If she’s claiming to be a Christian, then she needs to be held accountable for that claim.

BTW, I don’t recommend that approach as a general rule, but you’re not dealing with a general situation here. You’ve tried polite, now it’s time to be pointed.

Good luck!
Tracy 🙂
 
People on our block invite me for an evening social.
The husband is an avowed atheist, pro-choice and closed to a sensible discussion about religion and politics. I pray much for the couple and want to help them - maybe, only through example and faithfulness to God. Am I honest, by avoiding the real issues of life?
Winthir
 
Abigail said:
Lookingit. The latest attempt, which prompted this post, is that she left a voice mail message that she had gotten a big load of compost, that it was more than she needed, and would I like some. Sure, I would like some…but I know that if I call her back and say yes she will be over at my house in a New York minute and won’t leave…she will want to gossip about everyone in the neighborhood, and bubbling right under the surface, ready to come out in tearful sobs if given half a change will be “why don’t you want to be my friend? What have I even done to you? You are sooooooo rude…”!
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if you feel this friendship would truly be toxic, you have to forego even the limited benefits, such as sharing a load of compost or any other good she may be in a position to do for you. simply don’t answer the message. If you ignored all her other messages, you can’t answer the one that offers some benefit to yourself.
 
Dear Abigail, I had a similar problem with a woman I sponsored in RCIA class. She dropped out of the class due to a conflict with the instructor. (In fact, the instructor advised me not to have contact with her because he considered her to be unstable and possibly potentially dangerous. It seemed she had called him at least once to tell him she thought he was racist.) I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, so kept receiving and returning her calls, sometimes as many as five or six times a day. She often rambled on about other people in her life whom she accused of being alcoholics or mentally ill, or plotting against her in some way. It got to where I was dreading answering her calls. At first I politely cut the calls short saying I had to go, then stopped returning her messages altogether. I encountered her in a store a time or two and she demanded to know why I hadn’t returned her calls. I mumbled something about having been very busy and quickly left. Since then I’ve been bothered by the thought that I may have behaved in an un-Christian manner. (She has quit calling and I have not seen her for a long time.) Thanks to you and the other posters for letting me know I am not alone in having had this problem, and you all seem to have dealt with it in an appropriate way. If someone were trying to avoid me or did not want to have anything to do with me, I believe I would know it and not continue to seek contact with that person. However, some people don’t pick up on such social cues, possibly due to a mental illness. As it happened, the woman I am talking about had been diagnosed with a schizoaffective disorder. At this point I am praying for her but do not feel an obligation to deal with her problems. That is what therapists and psychiatrists are for. Peace be with all of you.
 
Abigail said:
Thanks, Flyingfish, for validating what I think I already know. I wish there was a way out of this without me seeming to hurt someone, but as you so wisely point out, it’s a question of whether it’s going to be a quick death or a slow one!

I think I may feel somewhat vulnerable here, since I am a single woman without any “back-up,” and Jane is very active in the parish and makes it her business to be social. People ARE aware of what she does, but they are also afraid of her and what she might say about them, so they are likely to try to keep her on their side by being “friendly” and siding with her against me, since I am no threat. It isn’t fair, but if I don’t take a stand there will be no end of imposition. Hate this. Comes with living in a small town, I guess. 😦
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If she has so many friends, why is she glomming on to you? :confused:
 
I think this is great thread but I was kinda hoping that it would encompass telling those around you “no” when they always opt for you to do something, and yet, you can’t or don’t want to do it, but find it extremely difficult to say no. .

🤷
 
lareinatortura said:
I think this is great thread but I was kinda hoping that it would encompass telling those around you “no” when they always opt for you to do something, and yet, you can’t or don’t want to do it, but find it extremely difficult to say no. .

🤷
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Well, I guess I know of a couple of ways out of that one.

First, if you’re married, tell them you have to check with your husband first. Not only is that true (avoids communication difficulties), but it gives you some time to consider whether you really want to do something or not. If you husband is the helpful type, he’ll discuss it with you and then say, “Honey, just tell her I said I don’t want you involved in _______ at this time. You have enough to do for the family.” If they think poorly of him for it, he probably won’t care and, anyway, who cares what they think?

Second, if you’re not married, you can simply say that you’ve already made all the commitments you’re going to for the time being and are not taking on anything else.

There really isn’t always an easy way to get out of things other than the direct way. Saying things like, “That isn’t my strong point and I don’t need the stress of it” isn’t always easy, but it is the truth.

Remember, by saying “no” sometimes you’re opening the door for someone else to be considered who would not have been if you always say, “Yes.”

If you’re worried that some project will fail because you didn’t participate (and you don’t believe God leading you to participate) then it’s probably not His work anyway. Mother Teresa was adamant that God would provide where He wanted things done. If He didn’t provide, then it was time to let it go.

If you want a good “chick flick” for encouragement, watch Emma. Although I understand it’s not completely accurate to the book, you just gotta cheer her at the end when she finally tells her family who she is going to marry!

If someone doesn’t appreciate you having backbone, then that’s their problem, not yours.

Tracy 🙂
 
Jesus did say “by this will all men know that you are my disciples by how well you avoid annoying people”… No, Jesus commanded us to love the unlovely.

Until you can see Jesus in your “vampire” neighbor, can you really love him?

You cannot avoid a neighbor with out being rude, that IS the definition of being rude.

Pray for her, take he some cookies, invite her to Mass, be kind to the most unlovable. May St. Mother Teresa pray for you.
 
Tracy_Spenst said:
Well, I guess I know of a couple of ways out of that one.

First, if you’re married, tell them you have to check with your husband first. Not only is that true (avoids communication difficulties), but it gives you some time to consider whether you really want to do something or not. If you husband is the helpful type, he’ll discuss it with you and then say, “Honey, just tell her I said I don’t want you involved in _______ at this time. You have enough to do for the family.” If they think poorly of him for it, he probably won’t care and, anyway, who cares what they think?

Second, if you’re not married, you can simply say that you’ve already made all the commitments you’re going to for the time being and are not taking on anything else.

There really isn’t always an easy way to get out of things other than the direct way. Saying things like, “That isn’t my strong point and I don’t need the stress of it” isn’t always easy, but it is the truth.

Remember, by saying “no” sometimes you’re opening the door for someone else to be considered who would not have been if you always say, “Yes.”

If you’re worried that some project will fail because you didn’t participate (and you don’t believe God leading you to participate) then it’s probably not His work anyway. Mother Teresa was adamant that God would provide where He wanted things done. If He didn’t provide, then it was time to let it go.

If you want a good “chick flick” for encouragement, watch Emma. Although I understand it’s not completely accurate to the book, you just gotta cheer her at the end when she finally tells her family who she is going to marry!

If someone doesn’t appreciate you having backbone, then that’s their problem, not yours.

Tracy 🙂
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Thank you. : ) Yes, I am married and if I can remember, I usually ask my husband. It really does help eliminate confusion/miscommunication and I find it easier to say no to someone when he tells me, "But. . I don’t want you toooo. . " Hee hee hee.

I have a really big problem with a asserting myself, and I need to work on it. I believe saying “no,” to something when I should goes along with that. It’s just difficult, because then I feel guilty for not doing whatever it is whoever wanted me to do, whenever they wanted me to do it! :hypno: Well, I exaggerated, just a little. I wouldn’t do something that goes against my morals, or something.

But, I have run myself ragged and let the, well, needs and wants of needy friends leech my time away from very important things, like my classwork.
 
kage_ar said:
Jesus did say “by this will all men know that you are my disciples by how well you avoid annoying people”… No, Jesus commanded us to love the unlovely.

Until you can see Jesus in your “vampire” neighbor, can you really love him?

You cannot avoid a neighbor with out being rude, that IS the definition of being rude.

Pray for her, take he some cookies, invite her to Mass, be kind to the most unlovable. May St. Mother Teresa pray for you.
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One of the problems the original poster was having was that this woman goes to her parish and is a problem to many people. She is also a gossiper who doesn’t see it as a problem. Although we are to love one another, we are not required to be buddies with everyone.

Love also requires that we be honest. The poster has talked with her about the gossip issue and has been ignored. She could go to her parish priest for advice and help. Scripture also says if someone is sinning and refuses to repent we can go with a couple of other trusted people to confront them so that they may repent. If the person refuses, Scripture says we’re to treat them as an outsider. That doesn’t mean being rude, but it does mean we are not required to be on intimate/buddy terms with someone who insists on dragging us into their sinful behavior (like a gossip who won’t quit).

So, yes, we are to love. But love doesn’t require us to be another person’s slave to whatever agenda they may have.

~Tracy
 
kage_ar said:
You cannot avoid a neighbor with out being rude, that IS the definition of being rude.
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Says who?

And how do you reconcile that with the need to avoid occasions of sin? In fact, that is not just a need, but a DUTY, if you recall the Act of Contrition and the old Baltimore Catechism’s admonitions.
 
Norseman82 said:
Says who?

And how do you reconcile that with the need to avoid occasions of sin? In fact, that is not just a need, but a DUTY, if you recall the Act of Contrition and the old Baltimore Catechism’s admonitions.
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For your neighbor to be your “sinnin buddy”, you would have to like them. Let’s say I used to run around with my neighbor and we would pick up guys in bars for sex. When I repent and try to ammend my life, I can simply say “no thank you, I don’t want to go to the bar with you. Would you like to go to Mass with me?”. I don’t have to avoid my neighbor, I can be honest with her and avoid the near occasion of sin.
 
kage_ar said:
For your neighbor to be your “sinnin buddy”, you would have to like them. Let’s say I used to run around with my neighbor and we would pick up guys in bars for sex. When I repent and try to ammend my life, I can simply say “no thank you, I don’t want to go to the bar with you. Would you like to go to Mass with me?”. I don’t have to avoid my neighbor, I can be honest with her and avoid the near occasion of sin.
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But if you recall the original post, the neighbor in question was a gossipper. So, avoid the neighbor = avoid the gossip, correct?
 
Norseman82 said:
But if you recall the original post, the neighbor in question was a gossipper. So, avoid the neighbor = avoid the gossip, correct?
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Since gossip in and of itself is not a sin (detraction and calumny ARE sins, but, they are not gossip) - 🤷
 
kage_ar said:
Since gossip in and of itself is not a sin (detraction and calumny ARE sins, but, they are not gossip) - 🤷
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You would still be, by virtue of being present in the same room with that person, hearing things that are not meant for your ears. (Gossip is the passing of information that isn’t any of my business, nor yours.)

It’s better never to hear it, than to try to forget that you heard it.
 
kage_ar said:
Since gossip in and of itself is not a sin (detraction and calumny ARE sins, but, they are not gossip) - 🤷
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Well, I don’t know all of the details of what the gossip entails, but if it does include detraction and calumny, then it is at the very minimum an occasion of sin.

However, I still wish to know the basis of your assertion:
kage_ar said:
You cannot avoid a neighbor with out being rude, that IS the definition of being rude.
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jmcrae said:
You would still be, by virtue of being present in the same room with that person, hearing things that are not meant for your ears. (Gossip is the passing of information that isn’t any of my business, nor yours.)

It’s better never to hear it, than to try to forget that you heard it.
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It’s almost like my analogy for the damage done by a false accusation: it’s like passing gas; in order to undo it you need to track down every molecule of passed gas and put it back into your body.
 
Rude in this sense means ill-mannered or uncivil. It is ill-mannered and uncivil to not show common courtesy to one’s neighbor.
 
kage_ar said:
Rude in this sense means ill-mannered or uncivil. It is ill-mannered and uncivil to not show common courtesy to one’s neighbor.
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But how is simply avoiding someone ill-mannered or uncivil? Sometimes one MUST avoid someone so as NOT to be ill-mannered or uncivil.
 
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