How do I begin to forgive my H and his infidelity

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GraceDK said:
Interesting…
supposed I was working somewhere and you all knew my husband was having an affair with someone else… day after day you saw me go about my business unaware that I was being cheated on… you would all keep silent and think: her husbnd will tell her himself or somehow the truth will come out… we will not be responsible for anything but just let things handle themselves…

I dont think that’s very charitable… Again I strongly advice the OP to tell her former best friend that she has to tell her husband about her betrayal or else that the OP will make sure that he finds out.
we don’t protect or treat a man with respect and care by not letting him know that he is being cheated on.
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Grace speaking for myself i understand what you are saying, but i have seen time after time people try to help and it all come back to bite you. sometimes as much as it hurts to see someone get hurt, and believe me its easier to tell, you have to mind your own business. eighty percent of the time the other person knows anyway they just need time to deal with it, I feel that when you are married in your gut you know, even if you dont have proof. And i also believe that God will reveal this truth when he is ready. This lady has so much to deal with right now, she doesnt need more stress. I am sure this lady who is cheating with her husband has done it many of times, they usually do. but trust me this lady will get hers too. And it will come out. But this poor woman needs to see where her marriage is at. i am sure this other woman will move on to the next man they usually do.
 
4everhoping said:
Retrouvaille: We are thinking of this. Any thoughts? My husband does not like a lot of sharing, touchy-feely stuff with strangers. Does this happen, or is it a personal sharing thing? What I am really hoping is that there will be presenting couples that have gone through the same thing. I think that would be good for both of us–to listen to others.
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Personally, I think this should be more up to you to decide what you need (and what your children need). And children do know when things are not right. They do not know what it is or perhaps how to vocalize it so they begin acting out as you said.

It is your husband who caused the situation and if he is indeed sorry, part of showing this will be to help you do what you need to do to heal.

Please do not mistake this for saying his thoughts have no place, but I would think your needs in this (as well as the children’s) should take precedence.
 
I agree with Grace here. As I was in the position of the unknowing spouse, I was glad I was contacted by the other mans wife.

This also will add viligance on the part of the cheated on husband to keep his wife away from your husband. You won’t be alone in your efforts. And if it should end their marriage instead that is not your fault but hers.

Affairs do thrive in secrecy. Expose them to the light.
 
I have survived this. It was at a time when my wonderful husband was not strong in his faith and I had not yet come to the church. I have to say no one would ever know there was every an incident by looking at us. It’s almost now as if it never even happened. One point is this: You must absolutely forgive. 100% if you ever want to trust any action of his again. No grudges, no second thoughts. You just can’t let it hang around in your head. If you do, you just won’t trust again and you willl make yourself crazy wondering, why, what, when, and where. The first year after I made all of these mistakes.
I also agree that you need to cut this woman off. Don’t worry about your kids. They will make new friends. The last thing you need is to be reminded or for your husband to face unneeded temptation. It will be the best for everyone involved.
 
I am very thankful for all of the different suggestions from everyone. Texaspanda and ForMary did inspire me as I have been realizing that I have to put my family and my needs for healing first righit now or I am no good to myself, my children, my husband or my marriage. Forgiveness is the key to my dilemma right now. I know how important it will be for me to 100% forgive in order for me to move on to a healthy, new place in our marriage. That being said,I will never forget, and I know I will have good and bad days I am sure for many years to come. But hopefully, time will do some healing. I do believe my husband is very sorry and ashamed of what he has done. He wants to help me heal, and I firmly believe the relationship is over. I just wrestle with good and bad days, with the thoughts and images in my head, and hope that all of this will get better soon.

I have reservations about telling the other husband. I don’t think it is my responsibility to bring such pain to him–that is her responsibility as his wife. I have a feeling that she sits in fear waiting for the ball to drop. This internalization I am sure is killing her. She got into this mess in the first place because she allows her husband to make all decisions, and does not communicate or tell him how she feels. She needs to work on her marriage because there are deeper issues there that me telling or not is not going to solve. She needs to be ready to deal with her life. That is her mess. I right now need to focus on mine.

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation, and was able to forigive their spouse? If so, was it a long process? Did you do it on your own as a couple? Counselling? Retrouvaille??? Is there hope for our marriage if we both want it to happen–or will these memories, etc. keep resurfacing??
 
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I too have been where you are at. My husband had an affair that lasted almost a year. I suspected it while it was happening and confronted him…he denied it and I had no reason not to believe him. Three years after the affair ended he couldn’t live with the guilt anymore. So he told me about it. I was devastated. However, he was very remorseful and we worked really hard on our relationship. I found forgiveness to take longer but be easier than I thought it would. Clincher to the story…I started a new teaching job this year and when I came to work the first day I found out that my full time para (aide) was the woman my husband was involveed with. What a shock. What I learned though was that I hadn’t been as forgiving as I thought. God placed me in this position because he wanted me to grow in grace.

It has been 6 years since I found out and we are doing ok…we have other issues but we know that we can work them out. I guess I just want you to know that it will be okay. Don’t make any rash decisions…go to retrouvaille…and pray.

My prayers are with you and your family.
 
Thanks for your post! Wow, momblessed, to end up with her by your side every day. Did you know that this was the woman, or did someone tell you? You are right, God must want you to grow in grace! How difficult that must be. Sometimes I ask myself, how many more crosses do I have to bear. You must feel the same some days.

During this whole ordeal, at least the first confession, I developed a severe case of Bell’s Palsy. Not sure if I already said this somewhere. Not the greatest thing to get when you are already feeling inadequate as a woman. Not beautiful, sexy, enough, etc. The worst is over, but I am still recovering from some residuals after a year and a half. However, my husband recently said that it was during that time that he realized how beautiful I was, and how my beauty radiated out from the inside. Maybe that was God’s plan–for my husband to see and appreciate my true beauty.

So sorry for your pain. It is comforting to know that you were able to forgive. I hope you continue to have a positive attitude towards working on your marriage. I hope I can do the same.
 
I knew who she was before. I suspected that my husband and this woman had a relationship when it was happening. I didn’t know that she was going to be my aide until the first day of school. I think she was more shocked than I was. She had guilt to deal with I just had anger and in many ways I think anger is easier to overcome. It was painful because it brought all of those nasty hurtful emotions back to the surface. But I can look at her today and see a woman who made some bad decisions and not the woman who slept with my husband…(most days).

I do understand about wondering how many crosses I will have to bear.
All I can say is that if you and your husband both want your marriage to work…you can make it work and probably make it better and stronger than it was before.

My prayers are with you
 
MomblessedX3 said:
I knew who she was before. I suspected that my husband and this woman had a relationship when it was happening. I didn’t know that she was going to be my aide until the first day of school. I think she was more shocked than I was. She had guilt to deal with I just had anger and in many ways I think anger is easier to overcome. It was painful because it brought all of those nasty hurtful emotions back to the surface. But I can look at her today and see a woman who made some bad decisions and not the woman who slept with my husband…(most days).

I do understand about wondering how many crosses I will have to bear.
All I can say is that if you and your husband both want your marriage to work…you can make it work and probably make it better and stronger than it was before.

My prayers are with you
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I personally have never been thru this but i think this is very good and true advice. If it would be me, this is the advice i would take. We are all human and unfortunately make dumb mistakes, some can be fixed others cant. But the bottom line is what do you want? If you really want your marriage to work you must forgive, i know its easier said than done, and im not saying i could either. I learned one thing untill you walk in the shoes, but i pray you will make the right decision,and God will help you thru it. My dad told me this all my life God is the only person in this world who wont let you down. never put your full trust in any human being, and expect them not to let you down one time or another, its not going to happen. Its just sad that you got burnt so bad, but its your life and you must see where you want to be ten years from now. the future, thats what you need to concentrate on now. tommorow not yesterday. God Bless
 
4everhoping said:
Has anyone out there been in a similar situation, and was able to forigive their spouse? If so, was it a long process? Did you do it on your own as a couple? Counselling? Retrouvaille??? Is there hope for our marriage if we both want it to happen–or will these memories, etc. keep resurfacing??
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I’m not sure what you mean by similar situation. If you mean surviving infidelity in the marriage, then yes.

We needed both Retrouvaille and counseling. In fact, we needed additional counseling by the priest who led our Retrouvaille weekend.

We are close to two years into our healing journey…It takes time and HARD WORK.

There is hope for your marriage even though the memories will resurface. I wish they could be erased…but they can’t.
 
I’ve dealt with this twice now. For the most recent one I had to see him all year after I found out as our kids are on the same sports team. It is so hard to forgive.
 
In regards to whether you should tell the other husband if his wife does not come clean. I believe you should. I knew something was up in my marraige but I only found out the extent of it all when the husband of the woman my DH became involved wife contacted me. Was I hurt by this revelation? Of course, I was crushed. BUT, I am thankful that he said something to me …it was something that I needed to know and his telling me was the right thing.
 
First let me say I am sorry. I feel you should confront her and tell her you know, otherwise this will weigh on you until the day you die. I also feel you should insist on moving away and not seeing her again. I can’t believe you continue to be friends or talk with her, it must hurt you so much. You should tell her what you know and that you are moving, and as far as your children and her children, they can say goodbye on good terms and don’t need to know about this. You should cut all contact, for your mental state. There is no reason you should be living in hell on earth. If at all possible move to another state or town, and have your children make new friends. If they are older, you may have to tell them the situation, if they knew it for what is was I am sure they would not want to be visiting inside their home, if they wanted to remain friends they would meet at your home or something. Don’t let this continue this way it will eat you up.
 
GraceDK said:
…

I dont think that’s very charitable… Again I strongly advice the OP to tell her former best friend that she has to tell her husband about her betrayal or else that the OP will make sure that he finds out.
we don’t protect or treat a man with respect and care by not letting him know that he is being cheated on.
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I’m sure if you asked a priest about this he would tell the OP to absolutely not do what you suggested. Her former best friend needs to deal with her own marriage -it is not the OP’s place to interject herself into another marriage and decide how someone else should handle their marriage.

By the way as someone who was told about an infidelity by my husband (7 years after it happened and it was long over) I am glad for my husband sakes he was relieved of the guilt that was eating at his soul for so many years but for my own sake I gained nothing by the knowledge and now many years down the road even I have long since forgiven him and healed -for my own sake if he had confessed it privately to a priest and taken it to his grave I would have preferred it - not to have had that scar on my memory.

This idea of charity and treating the husband with respect -how by him finding out from someone other than his wife? How humiliating. She has enough work and healing in her own marriage to deal with -do not place the burden of someone else’s marriage on her as well.

On the other hand I do agree she should tell her former best friend she knows the truth about the full extent of the affair.
 
Hello to everyone. I hope your Tridium is going well!

My story…H finally told me of his affair four days ago. He has lived in another state for six months due to job. Said it has been going on for 2.5 months (I don’t believe anything he says now though). He is staying with us for one week visit and leaves in two days. Still is unsure he says, if he will continue the relationship with her. But, declares does not want a divorce (and sometimes he puts in the word yet)!

Any advice. Thanks
 
Duncbo,

How awful!! It might be best to start a new thread, or this’ll confuse people.
 
How do I start a new thread, so sorry to have to ask. Don’t do forums normally.
 
Go back to Family Life.

Click the New Thread button near the top.
 
Please…is there anyone out there that has gone through the same thing and made it work? The friend is still around and we see her here and there. She does not know that I now know the relationship was indeed physical. And though I was able to forgive her 3 years ago, having lied to me all this time to find out it was physical causes me great pain. I need to distance myself, but do not wish to alarm our children as they (hers and ours) are friends. I myself was a child who suffered the pain of her father’s multiple affairs as a child/teen/young woman, still to this day. One with the mother of my best friend.
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This woman had to be out of our life period or at least avoid contact. It doesn’t make you a bad catholic to want this. Your husband needs to be sensitive with this.

Without question, your husband crossed the line once and even though he has all the best intention of not committing this sin again, it is unlikely that he won’t do this again if the opportunity doesn’t raise again. I am saying this only because you need to face that you both need to go in counseling. Contact your priest. I believe if you pray for your husband, he may truly understand this horrible sin. Your needs aren’t heard and he needs to hear them. Sometime, we don’t see our spouse point of view until we hear it from someone else.

He will need to earn your trust again and be trust worthy of this. The fist step for him, is counseling.

Without question forgive your husband but you don’t need to trust him again, this is his job to do so. By allowing himself to commit adultery, he can pass you dangerous sexual illness and threaten your life. For me, it would be a cause of stopping all sexual activity until he cans prove me his loyalty. This is a matter of life or death.

Yes, you can make that work, but it takes both of you to do so, you have done your share already, but he doesn’t seem to have done his.

Please go see your priest and search for a good counselor that believe in Catholic teaching. Many counselor, encourage people to divorce, you need to be careful with this.

Pray for your husband and ask Jesus to guide you. I would do a novena with St-Joseph and commit to say a rosary once a week with the mystery.
 
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