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shipwrkd
Guest
See post # 3
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shipwrkd
Guest
Don’t think, DO. Many counselors send their “customers” there. It will give you tools to communicate and forgive. Any “touchy feely” stuff will between you and your husband and needn’t be shared with strangers and believe me, most there are going through what you are…if not worse. BTW, you can forgive without forgetting.
M
MamaJewel
Guest
As someone who is surviving current infidelity and past infidelity, I can say that forgiveness is a process that goes hand in hand with the stages of grief imo. we can’t force forgiveness in these types of situations any easier than we can force acceptance of the death or major illness of those we love.
I feel for you because there are so many layers to this horrific situation you’ve been put in. It’s not only the adultery in and of itself…that pain of learning one’s marriage and spouse aren’t what we believed them to be, but there’s the excruciating pain of a friend’s betrayal, the added pain that one’s spouse could see us in so much anguish and still lie straight to our faces as we beg for the truth so we can move forward in healing and forgiveness together. Plus, the added pain of the losses and changes our children will have to face (and the difficulties that come along with transitioning children’s lifestyles).
You will have to go through the stages of grief because the marriage you believed you had is dead. The hopes and dreams of the marriage you believed you had are dead. Your perception of your husband as a spouse and father, and your perceptions of your role as his wife have been blown apart. And unfortunately, the person who vowed to love, cherish and protect you is the one who killed it. So there’s grief that gets processed while learning to forgive.
As I read through your thread, I wonder why your husband decided to tell you it was physical. I’m praying that he’s had some type of conversion. However, in my personal experiences, it’s more uncommon than common for a spouse to finally tell the truth. There’s usually a hidden motivation for finally “telling the truth”. (gently asking) What makes you believe the betrayed husband in this sordid affair doesn’t know? Did your husband tell you? And how would he know? Was it his affair partner who told him that her husband doesn’t know? (and please understand that I’m humbly asking these questions online, not expecting a written response from you, but rather so you can ask these questions yourself) I mean, it’s not uncommon for a betrayed partner to find out and threaten to tell the other betrayed spouse in hopes of ending their cheating spouse’s affair…only to have the cheating spouse give the heads up to their affair partner to “tell the truth” to take the affair deeper underground.
I’m not saying your husband is cheating and I’m not saying saying he isn’t. Because he lied in the past, you’ll need to verify so you can begin to start trusting and then forgiving.
This affair sounds like it was emotional and physical. These are the hardest types of affairs to overcome. They require no contact between all parties. It’s best that a no contact letter be written by your husband to his affair partner and her husband stating that he loves you, his wife, he regrets the affair, and he apologizes for the damages he’s done. He can also say that he intends to repair his marriage and make atonement to you and his family and that there will be no contact between the two families from this moment on, including the children. Doing a no contact letter sends the message loud and clear that he is serious about his family and marriage. It also closes the door on the madness that could possibly ensue if you told the betrayed husband directly. Once there’s a letter, preferably certified delivery, if there’s any unwanted contact from the couple, you can take legal action.
I think that once you know she and her family are out of the picture, you’ll feel safer to let your guard down and begin to consider steps you need to take to forgive.
Just keep praying to our Lord because it’s God’s grace that will carry you through this. I really, truly believe in my heart that we as humans are able to forgive because of God’s grace. Lean on Christ for His strength to be your strength. Keep Christ’s peace, which surpasses all understanding, in you. Christ gives us peace which is not of this world. Hold that in your heart. When you get those ugly feelings of revenge or extreme anger, hand it over to God, give it right to His Sacred Heart. As you process through marriage recovery, there might be times when you have to tell yourself that vengeance is God’s to administer, and then let those feelings go and “let God” handle it.
This truly is unfair to you and your family. It’s tragic. But God heals and restores, maybe not in the way we think he should, but He does give peace and healing. This will take time. Cling to the cross and keep focused on Christ.
I feel for you because there are so many layers to this horrific situation you’ve been put in. It’s not only the adultery in and of itself…that pain of learning one’s marriage and spouse aren’t what we believed them to be, but there’s the excruciating pain of a friend’s betrayal, the added pain that one’s spouse could see us in so much anguish and still lie straight to our faces as we beg for the truth so we can move forward in healing and forgiveness together. Plus, the added pain of the losses and changes our children will have to face (and the difficulties that come along with transitioning children’s lifestyles).
You will have to go through the stages of grief because the marriage you believed you had is dead. The hopes and dreams of the marriage you believed you had are dead. Your perception of your husband as a spouse and father, and your perceptions of your role as his wife have been blown apart. And unfortunately, the person who vowed to love, cherish and protect you is the one who killed it. So there’s grief that gets processed while learning to forgive.
As I read through your thread, I wonder why your husband decided to tell you it was physical. I’m praying that he’s had some type of conversion. However, in my personal experiences, it’s more uncommon than common for a spouse to finally tell the truth. There’s usually a hidden motivation for finally “telling the truth”. (gently asking) What makes you believe the betrayed husband in this sordid affair doesn’t know? Did your husband tell you? And how would he know? Was it his affair partner who told him that her husband doesn’t know? (and please understand that I’m humbly asking these questions online, not expecting a written response from you, but rather so you can ask these questions yourself) I mean, it’s not uncommon for a betrayed partner to find out and threaten to tell the other betrayed spouse in hopes of ending their cheating spouse’s affair…only to have the cheating spouse give the heads up to their affair partner to “tell the truth” to take the affair deeper underground.
I’m not saying your husband is cheating and I’m not saying saying he isn’t. Because he lied in the past, you’ll need to verify so you can begin to start trusting and then forgiving.
This affair sounds like it was emotional and physical. These are the hardest types of affairs to overcome. They require no contact between all parties. It’s best that a no contact letter be written by your husband to his affair partner and her husband stating that he loves you, his wife, he regrets the affair, and he apologizes for the damages he’s done. He can also say that he intends to repair his marriage and make atonement to you and his family and that there will be no contact between the two families from this moment on, including the children. Doing a no contact letter sends the message loud and clear that he is serious about his family and marriage. It also closes the door on the madness that could possibly ensue if you told the betrayed husband directly. Once there’s a letter, preferably certified delivery, if there’s any unwanted contact from the couple, you can take legal action.
I think that once you know she and her family are out of the picture, you’ll feel safer to let your guard down and begin to consider steps you need to take to forgive.
Just keep praying to our Lord because it’s God’s grace that will carry you through this. I really, truly believe in my heart that we as humans are able to forgive because of God’s grace. Lean on Christ for His strength to be your strength. Keep Christ’s peace, which surpasses all understanding, in you. Christ gives us peace which is not of this world. Hold that in your heart. When you get those ugly feelings of revenge or extreme anger, hand it over to God, give it right to His Sacred Heart. As you process through marriage recovery, there might be times when you have to tell yourself that vengeance is God’s to administer, and then let those feelings go and “let God” handle it.
This truly is unfair to you and your family. It’s tragic. But God heals and restores, maybe not in the way we think he should, but He does give peace and healing. This will take time. Cling to the cross and keep focused on Christ.
J
Jeremiah_29_11
Guest
See, this is an old thread, from 2008. A new poster has searched and found it, and resurrected it from the archives, and now people are responding back to the OP and not the NP (new poster). This is why this forum encourages us to start a new thread when we have a question or something to get feedback on. If we tack our question onto the end of an old thread, people don’t see the date of the OP and start talking to that situation instead of the new one.
This is 5 years past the OP’s post. I hope and pray that her husband did go to Retrouvaille and that they kept their marriage together.
Let’s let this thread go back to the archive, shall we?
This is 5 years past the OP’s post. I hope and pray that her husband did go to Retrouvaille and that they kept their marriage together.
Let’s let this thread go back to the archive, shall we?
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