How do I control my jealousy/anger over the indecency on TV...and my worries of it affecting my husband?

[Christina79]

I don’t know if I’m going overboard; and if I am, what I can do to overcome it. My husband thinks that I get upset too easily by the women that are so immodest on the TV. It just seems like almost everything on TV anymore has such heavy sexual overtones, and it makes me mad that it is being put in my husbands face all the time. I mean, REALLY, what does a SHAMPOO commercial, with a woman in a skin tight suit, writhing on a table have to do with shampoo anyway??? My two oldest sons, who are now 10 and 8, will turn their heads when they see indecent women on TV. I really feel very proud of them when they do, and it’s not like I’ve told them that they have to…they just do. But, HOW do I handle this jealousy/anger when it comes to my husband seeing these things? I worry that it will cause him to lust. I don’t like making him feel that I do not trust him, but I can’t seem to keep myself from staying in the same room…while I’m on the computer…to kind of “monitor” the TV…or help keep him from the temptation, at least. :imsorry:

 

[SusanneT]

I know what you mean - my husband is very insistent that I dress modestly but I can’t help thinking he must have his head turned by all the immodesty and sexual imagery on TV etc.

 

[Bezant]

I don’t know if I’m going overboard; and if I am, what I can do to overcome it. My husband thinks that I get upset too easily by the women that are so immodest on the TV. It just seems like almost everything on TV anymore has such heavy sexual overtones, and it makes me mad that it is being put in my husbands face all the time. I mean, REALLY, what does a SHAMPOO commercial, with a woman in a skin tight suit, writhing on a table have to do with shampoo anyway?!?!?

My two oldest sons, who are now 10 and 8, will turn their heads when they see indecent women on TV. I really feel very proud of them when they do, and it’s not like I’ve told them that they have to…they just do. But, HOW do I handle this jealousy/anger when it comes to my husband seeing these things? I worry that it will cause him to lust. I don’t like making him feel that I do not trust him, but I can’t seem to keep myself from staying in the same room…while I’m on the computer…to kind of “monitor” the TV…or help keep him from the temptation, at least. :imsorry:

Christina,

What would you expect to be the more reasonable approach?

You can bury your head in the sand, because the media won’t change and sexual advertising is everywhere. That’s going to require giving up quite a lot in your relationship with your family, as well as in your life – for very little return, if you ask me.

Or, you can compromise between accepting the world while preserving some decency in your home. That’s going to require giving up some control over what your family sees.

Why should you monitor what your husband sees? Why do you feel the need to prevent him from lust?

 

[MtnDwellar]

Remove the T.V.

 

[aicirt]

Sex sells. Madison Ave. isn’t going to change. Men are visually stimulated and women want to be like those they find attractive…to a reasonable degree. Farrah Fawcett sold shampoo and women bought it. Boys bought FF’s poster. Betty Grable was modest but still became the pin-up girl of the 40s. You are going to be exhausted running back and forth everytime a commercial comes on.

If you really want to see sleaze, and I know you don’t, screen the Starz’s or Showtime premeires. (I think it is Showtime) Talk about soft porn, bad language, no values, and kids in sceens with adults having sex…check it out. All three shows are trash. Some of the actors are well known and are now on my list of those I will no longer support by watching their movies. And the list gets longer.

Which shampoo commercial were you referring to?

 

[JRKH]

Maybe I’m missing something here…Do you trust you husband??
Has he done or said anything that leads you to believe he is vulnerable to porn or adultery?
You have not stated such in your post.

What you have stated is a difference of opinion over what is appropriate on TV and a concern that it will cause your husband to lust.

In the meantime YOU are teetering on the edge of sin due to anger and jealousy.
You display a lack of trust in your husband which is unbecoming, AND in so doing, you actually draw MORE attention to the issue instead of less.

So again - I must ask the question - Do you trust your husband??

Peace
James

 

[ahs]

Remove the T.V.

Yep…that is fully within your control. The images and language that are expressed in your house through that T.V. are totally in your control. Just turn it off.

 

[aicirt]

Yep…that is fully within your control. The images and language that are expressed in your house through that T.V. are totally in your control. Just turn it off.

If it offends, turn it off, but there is another adult in the house and I do not think that would be a good move. The OP is talking about commercials over which there is no control. She’s projecting her feelings on him regarding something he might be totally oblivious to.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Yep…that is fully within your control. The images and language that are expressed in your house through that T.V. are totally in your control. Just turn it off.

umm… her husband is not a child that she can just take a toy away from. She needs to find another way to deal with her feelings without nagging and attempting to manage her husband.

 

[JRKH]

Agree with the above posters…The simple statement “Turn it off” or “Remove the TV” is not applicable to the OP unless her spouse agrees.

Peace
James

 

[cerad2]

Which shampoo commercial were you referring to?

I’d like to know as well. Perhaps a link to a video?

 

[Debora123]

I don’t know if I’m going overboard; and if I am, what I can do to overcome it. My husband thinks that I get upset too easily by the women that are so immodest on the TV. It just seems like almost everything on TV anymore has such heavy sexual overtones, and it makes me mad that it is being put in my husbands face all the time. I mean, REALLY, what does a SHAMPOO commercial, with a woman in a skin tight suit, writhing on a table have to do with shampoo anyway??? My two oldest sons, who are now 10 and 8, will turn their heads when they see indecent women on TV. I really feel very proud of them when they do, and it’s not like I’ve told them that they have to…they just do. But, HOW do I handle this jealousy/anger when it comes to my husband seeing these things? I worry that it will cause him to lust. I don’t like making him feel that I do not trust him, but I can’t seem to keep myself from staying in the same room…while I’m on the computer…to kind of “monitor” the TV…or help keep him from the temptation, at least. :imsorry:

You should trust your husband to not commit adultery in his heart. If you have a specific reason to NOT trust him, you should be seeing a counseling priest together. Other than that, you should trust the person you marry.

 

[Christina79]

Maybe I’m missing something here…Do you trust you husband??
Has he done or said anything that leads you to believe he is vulnerable to porn or adultery?
You have not stated such in your post.

What you have stated is a difference of opinion over what is appropriate on TV and a concern that it will cause your husband to lust.

In the meantime YOU are teetering on the edge of sin due to anger and jealousy.
You display a lack of trust in your husband which is unbecoming, AND in so doing, you actually draw MORE attention to the issue instead of less.

So again - I must ask the question - Do you trust your husband??

Peace
James

Yes, there are a few instances…not many. One night while I was visiting my brother and his family, my husband decided to rent an inappropriate movie, which I happened to find the rental receipt for. He thought I had been checking up on him when I found it, but it was just laying in the car. Then, whenever this topic did come up, he would get very upset at me for “constantly bringing the same thing up”…although it’s not often really. There were some differences in what he had said about it, so it came up again a few times to clarify the changes to the story. He said he didn’t even finish watching it…and other times he said “of course, I did”. He has been known to just say whatever he feels will end the discussion more quickly. So, YES, I do have some trust issues. I do believe he means well most of the time, but he is NOT good at communicating and hates being confronted.

Since we got a DVR, he has tried, more often than not, to fast forward the commercials (which tend to be the worst offenders) and change the channel when inappropriate material does come on. We had made a deal not to rent any movies that have sexual material, but that has waned. Now, it just tends to get fast forwarded…and if a movie does have sexual content, he gives me the controller. Not that it really changes the fact that many women will still be indecently clothed throughout the movies.

Another time, I found a very small “girly” calendar in the car, that he was given by a mechanic. I asked him why he couldn’t have just told the mechanic that he wasn’t interested in his free calendar?

But, for the most part, he is pretty good in this area…I think. And, BTW, the shows in Spanish (his native language) are many times filled with even more indecency on the most common programs.

And no, I myself am not free of guilt in this area either. I have run into things that I should not look at and even looked up some things, wanting to find ways to be more attractive to my husband; and found things I didn’t really want to see, in the meantime. I don’t believe my issue is about lust in any way, though I have been trying harder now to stay away from searches that could cause me to “run into” inappropriate material. And I hold honesty VERY high, and tell me husband without reserve if I have done wrong and watched something I should not have watched.

This is what I long for most in our relationship…complete and total honesty. It would be so much easier to let the past issues go if I did know I could trust him to be completely honest about it. And my trust issues are NOT all due to my husband. There are several issues from my childhood that have caused me trouble with trust and insecurity too.

If you really want to see sleaze, and I know you don’t, screen the Starz’s or Showtime premeires. (I think it is Showtime) Talk about soft porn, bad language, no values, and kids in sceens with adults having sex…check it out. All three shows are trash. Some of the actors are well known and are now on my list of those I will no longer support by watching their movies. And the list gets longer.

Which shampoo commercial were you referring to?

Yes, I agree…there are WAY too many to list. My reference to the commercial was just one of many that could be mentioned. And it’s in NO way just the commercials that anger me.

This one commercial in particular was just one of three commercials with Jennifer Lopez which were all out at the same time.

umm… her husband is not a child that she can just take a toy away from. She needs to find another way to deal with her feelings without nagging and attempting to manage her husband.

Yes, I would be pretty happy if the TV were not a major pastime here or gone altogether; but I do need another way around this without treating my husband like a child.

 

[Debora123]

Yes, there are a few instances…not many. One night while I was visiting my brother and his family, my husband decided to rent an inappropriate movie, which I happened to find the rental receipt for. He thought I had been checking up on him when I found it, but it was just laying in the car. Then, whenever this topic did come up, he would get very upset at me for “constantly bringing the same thing up”…although it’s not often really. There were some differences in what he had said about it, so it came up again a few times to clarify the changes to the story. He said he didn’t even finish watching it…and other times he said “of course, I did”. He has been known to just say whatever he feels will end the discussion more quickly. So, YES, I do have some trust issues. I do believe he means well most of the time, but he is NOT good at communicating and hates being confronted.

Since we got a DVR, he has tried, more often than not, to fast forward the commercials (which tend to be the worst offenders) and change the channel when inappropriate material does come on. We had made a deal not to rent any movies that have sexual material, but that has waned. Now, it just tends to get fast forwarded…and if a movie does have sexual content, he gives me the controller. Not that it really changes the fact that many women will still be indecently clothed throughout the movies.

Another time, I found a very small “girly” calendar in the car, that he was given by a mechanic. I asked him why he couldn’t have just told the mechanic that he wasn’t interested in his free calendar?

But, for the most part, he is pretty good in this area…I think. And, BTW, the shows in Spanish (his native language) are many times filled with even more indecency on the most common programs.

And no, I myself am not free of guilt in this area either. I have run into things that I should not look at and even looked up some things, wanting to find ways to be more attractive to my husband; and found things I didn’t really want to see, in the meantime. I don’t believe my issue is about lust in any way, though I have been trying harder now to stay away from searches that could cause me to “run into” inappropriate material. And I hold honesty VERY high, and tell me husband without reserve if I have done wrong and watched something I should not have watched.

This is what I long for most in our relationship…complete and total honesty. It would be so much easier to let the past issues go if I did know I could trust him to be completely honest about it. And my trust issues are NOT all due to my husband. There are several issues from my childhood that have caused me trouble with trust and insecurity too.

Yes, I agree…there are WAY too many to list. My reference to the commercial was just one of many that could be mentioned. And it’s in NO way just the commercials that anger me.

This one commercial in particular was just one of three commercials with Jennifer Lopez which were all out at the same time.



Yes, I would be pretty happy if the TV were not a major pastime here or gone altogether; but I do need another way around this without treating my husband like a child.

If your husband has a problem with pornography and lust, you need to find a counseling priest ASAP and start rebuilding your trust while he works on his issues. Taking away the television won’t change his heart.

 

[JRKH]

Yes, there are a few instances…not many. One night while I was visiting my brother and his family, my husband decided to rent an inappropriate movie, which I happened to find the rental receipt for. He thought I had been checking up on him when I found it, but it was just laying in the car. Then, whenever this topic did come up, he would get very upset at me for “constantly bringing the same thing up”…although it’s not often really. There were some differences in what he had said about it, so it came up again a few times to clarify the changes to the story. He said he didn’t even finish watching it…and other times he said “of course, I did”. He has been known to just say whatever he feels will end the discussion more quickly. So, YES, I do have some trust issues. I do believe he means well most of the time, but he is NOT good at communicating and hates being confronted.

Since we got a DVR, he has tried, more often than not, to fast forward the commercials (which tend to be the worst offenders) and change the channel when inappropriate material does come on. We had made a deal not to rent any movies that have sexual material, but that has waned. Now, it just tends to get fast forwarded…and if a movie does have sexual content, he gives me the controller. Not that it really changes the fact that many women will still be indecently clothed throughout the movies.

Another time, I found a very small “girly” calendar in the car, that he was given by a mechanic. I asked him why he couldn’t have just told the mechanic that he wasn’t interested in his free calendar?

But, for the most part, he is pretty good in this area…I think. And, BTW, the shows in Spanish (his native language) are many times filled with even more indecency on the most common programs.

And no, I myself am not free of guilt in this area either. I have run into things that I should not look at and even looked up some things, wanting to find ways to be more attractive to my husband; and found things I didn’t really want to see, in the meantime. I don’t believe my issue is about lust in any way, though I have been trying harder now to stay away from searches that could cause me to “run into” inappropriate material. And I hold honesty VERY high, and tell me husband without reserve if I have done wrong and watched something I should not have watched.

This is what I long for most in our relationship…complete and total honesty. It would be so much easier to let the past issues go if I did know I could trust him to be completely honest about it. And my trust issues are NOT all due to my husband. There are several issues from my childhood that have caused me trouble with trust and insecurity too.

Your last paragraph seems to sum the problems up pretty well. Obviously there are internal issues that you need to with. Perhaps a good confessor/adviser can help with some of this.
Also, I think that perhaps you are not recognizing the embarrassment your husband feels over the matter and hence his sensitivity at it being mentioned repeatedly, “to clarify the changes to the story”. The fact that he fast forwards or gives you the controller, speaks volumes about how sensitive he is to your feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that you are a good influence on your husband but, as you have recognized, you’ve gone a bit too far by becoming distrustful and angry.

I do think that sharing this fault with your husband might be a good thing. Apologize and ask his help so that you can both work together to grow in holiness.
Also, I think it wise to confess your anger and mistrust to your confessor. This is not what God wishes for your marriage and hopefully Father can provide some insight, reading suggestions etc.

Peace
James

 

[KostyaJMJ]

If your husband has a problem with pornography and lust, you need to find a counseling priest ASAP and start rebuilding your trust while he works on his issues. Taking away the television won’t change his heart.

I don’t know; she didn’t say anything about porn. Seems more like she has issues trying to play mother hen. She needs to let her husband be an adult and stop trying to mother him.

 

[ahs]

Yes, I would be pretty happy if the TV were not a major pastime here or gone altogether; but I do need another way around this without treating my husband like a child.

Yes, I see what you are saying. The “Just turn it off” assumes a lot of things (like, you both are on the same page, he’s fine with that, etc… ). The reason I stated it so was because it seems like the most simple solution. “…if your hand [television] causes you to sin, cut it off [turn it off]…” But you are right, that if it becomes an instance of you making this decision without your husband’s support or agreement…then there is more to be discerned.

It sounds like there are bigger issues going on than just what is on T.V. I’ll second what Debora123 said about [marriage] counseling. A good Catholic therapist, or a Priest who is experienced in this, can help you explore issues in the marriage…things you both may not even be aware of consciously, that can strengthen your marriage.

 

[Christina79]

If your husband has a problem with pornography and lust, you need to find a counseling priest ASAP and start rebuilding your trust while he works on his issues. Taking away the television won’t change his heart.

Your last paragraph seems to sum the problems up pretty well. Obviously there are internal issues that you need to with. Perhaps a good confessor/adviser can help with some of this.
Also, I think that perhaps you are not recognizing the embarrassment your husband feels over the matter and hence his sensitivity at it being mentioned repeatedly, “to clarify the changes to the story”. The fact that he fast forwards or gives you the controller, speaks volumes about how sensitive he is to your feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that you are a good influence on your husband but, as you have recognized, you’ve gone a bit too far by becoming distrustful and angry.

I do think that sharing this fault with your husband might be a good thing. Apologize and ask his help so that you can both work together to grow in holiness.
Also, I think it wise to confess your anger and mistrust to your confessor. This is not what God wishes for your marriage and hopefully Father can provide some insight, reading suggestions etc.

Peace
James

Thank you everyone for your advice.

So, another thing I’m wondering about this is, how does one determine the point where anger becomes sin?

Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your anger.”

 

[ahs]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

So, another thing I’m wondering about this is, how does one determine the point where anger becomes sin?

Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your anger.”

There is a great book about this exact topic called “The Emotions God Gave You” by Art and Laraine Bennett. I HIGHLY recommend it. (It’s available on the Catholic Answers ‘store’ as well. ) Another good one I’ve just read is “The Truth About Trouble”.

Let anger warn you, and let it help you discern what is happening that the emotion is alerting you towards. But don’t let it control your actions. Also, be mindful that sometimes anger can be linked to something else, something older, and may be triggered by something more recent. It’s important to discern if your anger is being directed to the right situation and in the right way.

 

[Christina79]

I don’t know; she didn’t say anything about porn. Seems more like she has issues trying to play mother hen. She needs to let her husband be an adult and stop trying to mother him.

Well…when I mentioned the movie that was inappropriate, there is a reason I called it inappropriate; and that is because it had enough sex in it to be considered porn. I just don’t particularly like accusing my husband so harshly, especially since it is NOT a problem I have seen in him much.

You assume that I’m just wanting to play mother hen? You think it is wrong to request my husband to avoid movies with sex in them? I do not force him to give me the controller when we watch movies containing sexuality or nudity. And, FYI, my issue with the anger is actually more aimed toward the TV industry and the people parading their skimpily clothed bodies around for everyone to see.