How do I counsel friends who "married" to get a visa?

[Pax1960]

How do I counsel friends who have come to me for comfort and advice when I’m not sure if they’re married, not married, or are even supposed to be together?

Dear friends recently confessed that they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend after all; they were married in a civil ceremony a few years ago in order to obtain working papers and stay in the country. I’m shocked, to say the least, because nothing in the world indicated that either of them would be capable of something like that. Neither of their families were present or knows about this “marriage.” One is baptized Catholic but the other is not. They do not live together.

They’ve both come to me for a shoulder to lean on because they’re so unhappy together and respect the marriage I have. They barely talk, there’s no love and no physical or emotional relationship. If they were simply boyfriend and girlfriend, I would probably mention they might want to move on. If they were married, I would say that this was a rough patch and offer some advice on sticking through it. I’m at a loss on what to say when they mention they were married simply for paperwork. For me to say, “That was stupid and you shouldn’t have done it in the first place,” doesn’t seem particularly helpful.

How does a friend respond in a situation like this?

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Perhaps this couple is miserable not so much because they don’t like each other but because they hate living a lie. Rather than individually confront the fact that they each have committed moral and legal fraud for personal benefit, it is easier for them to blame each other. To put this more kindly, perhaps you might say:

“Perhaps the problem you are having is not so much with each other but with the fact that you are living in an irregular and illegal marriage. If you take responsibility for that and seek to fix it, you may start to feel better.”

If one of them has serious, pressing reason that he or she must stay in this country (e.g., the need for political asylum), then they must regularize their marriage and learn to live with and love each other. If there is no serious, pressing reason for the foreigner who works here to remain here, then they should speak with a lawyer about how to dissolve their civil marriage.

In any event, the baptized Catholic certainly should consider going to confession for abusing the sacrament of matrimony (which is, objectively speaking, sacrilege).