How do I deal with a friend that is having an affair?

  • Thread starter Thread starter penny9
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

penny9

Guest
I have a friend that is having an affair with a married man who lives with his wife and son. I spoke with her about the situation and told her that it was difficult for me to meet with her socially because when I look at her I “see” only his wife and child. I am deeply saddened for his family and the pain that this must be causing them eventhough I do not know them personally. I told my friend that I would be there for her spiritually, that we could talk about growing closer to our Lord and look to him for guidance and healing. She appreciated my candor but told me that I was judging her and that Christ has called us to love. She feels that she is not committing any sin because he would be doing it with someone else anyways so she is not to blame.
Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?
 
Oh, the art of justification and denial. :rolleyes:

You are not judging her, you are calling her on her sin which is what you are required to do as a Christian.

I think the best you can do is keep reminding her of the pain she is going to inflict on this woman and child, and is that really something she wants to be a part of? It doesn’t matter if the guy would “just cheat with someone else”, does SHE want to be a part of hurting a child that way? And the child WILL be hurt.

Other than that, pray for that family and your friend.
 
I think you were very brave to confront her about this 👍

Being a true friend means caring about that person’s eternal soul. In today’s culture we are told that the most important thing is to not offend anyone or hurt any feelings or step on any toes, and to just let them run right through the gates of Hell rather than to tell them what they are doing is sinful.

Pray for her and the family that is being destroyed, and pray for guidance about your relationship with this woman. I know I’d be tempted to break all ties with someone I knew was in that situation, but God may need to use you as a life-line for her in this situation. I’ll be praying too!
 
that argument has very poor reasoning. That is like saying, this person forgot to lock their door and I see some nice stuff to steal. It is not a sin for me to take it though since it is the person’s fault for leaving their door unlocked and if I don’t take it someone else will anyways. Perhaps if your friend turned him down or even stated someting against it, hthe husband would realize that what he was doing was wrong and not attempt it again. Of course perhaps he would just go with another women and have an affair but she does not know that. It sure seems like a sin to me.
 
Don’t you love the fact that if whenever we show concern about someone’s behavior, we are “judging” them? :mad:
 
Well, as someone who DID have an affair with a married man, I can tell you that she ALREADY knows everything you can POSSIBLY tell her. Distance yourself, but don’t burn the bridge. In her own time she will make a decision to change, but that will have to be HER decision. Trust me, she already knows that what she is doing is wrong. Your words won’t suddenly cause her to change her actions (I know that the words my loved ones told me didn’t change my actions). It will be God and the pain that will come from this affair that will change her actions. When she faces reality (and it is ugly - especially if she is having the affair b/c he’s the only male who is making her feel loved) she will need direction and counsel, that’s where you come in. HOwever, if she does have faith, when she does come to you, you should direct her to a loving and compassionate priest to talk to. I know that the priests that helped me gave me far better advice than my loved ones.
 
Your friend is probably guilty of having sex outside of marriage, but who really knows if she is having sex with a married man?

Was this man married in a Catholic Church? Do you recognize civil marriage? Perhaps this “marriage” could be easily annulled and the Church would say he was never really married to begin with.

I’d just distance myself with a fornicator for fear of her corrupting me. Leave the rest to God’s judgement.

Perhaps she doesn’t believe in sin or the concept of God, at all.
Perhaps she doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with fornication or extra-marital sex.
 
AkronPonderer said:
Your friend is probably guilty of having sex outside of marriage, but who really knows if she is having sex with a married man?

Was this man married in a Catholic Church? Do you recognize civil marriage? Perhaps this “marriage” could be easily annulled and the Church would say he was never really married to begin with.

I’d just distance myself with a fornicator for fear of her corrupting me. Leave the rest to God’s judgement.

Perhaps she doesn’t believe in sin or the concept of God, at all.
Perhaps she doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with fornication or extra-marital sex.
Click to expand...
Unless he has actually received a declaration of nullity his marriage is presumed to be valid.
 
dulcissima:

Presumed by the Church, but who really know what God thinks?

Does the Church recognize every civil “marriage”? Common-law marriages?
 
AkronPonderer said:
dulcissima:

Presumed by the Church, but who really know what God thinks?

Does the Church recognize every civil “marriage”? Common-law marriages?
Click to expand...
Faithful Catholics rely upon Sacred Scripture and Sacred Tradition to give us the parameters of our lives. Faithful Catholics also believe that final judgement of every situation is up to God alone; however to pretend that what the ‘Church presumes’ is somehow different from what ‘God thinks’ is a poor argument.

The Church’s teachings on marriage are quite clear. I would read the Catechism, starting with 1615 for a clear answer to your two question. if you do not have a copy, you can find the Catechism on line.

As to the OP - I remember when I would rail and rant against those who ‘judged me’. What I now know is, when I was doing wrong I hated people to judge me. If your judgement of me is that I am a woman of grace and dignity then quick, start judging…
 
While you can never support her actions and should advise her to stop - don’t alienate this woman. Bottom line, your friend WILL end up hurt in the end, and she will need a godly friend who can help her find peace and forgivness.
 
You all are a whole lot more charitable than I find myself feeling. What this woman is doing is despicable–she is defiling herself physically, emotionally and spiritually, has chosen for her closest relationship an affair with a liar and a cheat, and is contributing to the destruction of the home life of an innocent child. This “elephant in the room” leaves little extra space for light-hearted coffee with friends or care-free lunch and shopping at the mall.

I would make it clear exactly what I thought of what she was doing and let her know that ***because ***I did care about her, I could not and would not stand by and watch her ruin her own life and worse yet, the lives of innocent bystanders by being selfish, immature and immoral.

It is one thing to struggle with a moral dilema and run it by your friends for advice/support. It is quite another to be living a flagrantly immoral life and rationalizing it to anyone who will listen. Not one of us is perfect, but I would be challenged to be casual and friendly with someone whose conduct was so destructive to herself and others. I would have to step back from the friendship until she regained some measure of discipline and self-respect and made efforts to extricate herself from this terrible mess.
 
I would also point out to your friend that this man could be exposing her and his wife to STDs. Who knows if she is the only “other woman” he’s sleeping around with?

He may very well pass along HPV which can lead to cervical cancer years down the road. Not to mention other common diseases like Herpes.
 
I thank you for your lengthy response to my question. You have expressed what I have been feeling. I have distanced myself from her. I guess I am still struggling with her accusation that I am judging her and Christ has said many times in the scriptures: do not judge. I feel at times that I am committing sin by my response as to not being Christlike. I had asked her to turn to me as a spiritual friend. She has called me but does not want to talk on that level. She misses our friendship.
 
penny9 said:
I thank you for your lengthy response to my question. You have expressed what I have been feeling. I have distanced myself from her. I guess I am still struggling with her accusation that I am judging her and Christ has said many times in the scriptures: do not judge. I feel at times that I am committing sin by my response as to not being Christlike. I had asked her to turn to me as a spiritual friend. She has called me but does not want to talk on that level. She misses our friendship.
Click to expand...
It is not being judgmental to call a sin a sin. Jesus called people on their sins. He forgave those who were repentant and told them to, “Sin no more.”

As LSK said, if she knew she was doing the right thing, she would have no problem with you “judging” her.
 
penny9 said:
I thank you for your lengthy response to my question. You have expressed what I have been feeling. I have distanced myself from her. I guess I am still struggling with her accusation that I am judging her and Christ has said many times in the scriptures: do not judge. I feel at times that I am committing sin by my response as to not being Christlike. I had asked her to turn to me as a spiritual friend. She has called me but does not want to talk on that level. She misses our friendship.
Click to expand...
Sometimes, you can get further by phrasing it as: “I just know you’re a wonderful person. You’re so smart and loving and generous. I’ve always admired that about you and looked up to you. You’re not a sleazy person, so this really confuses me. I expect you to be better than that. I just want better for you.”

That way, the “judgement” is all on the action: it’s sleazy and beneath her. But, you’re still judging HER to be a wonderful person, capable and worthy of so much more.
 
penny9 said:
I have a friend that is having an affair with a married man who lives with his wife and son. I spoke with her about the situation and told her that it was difficult for me to meet with her socially because when I look at her I “see” only his wife and child. I am deeply saddened for his family and the pain that this must be causing them eventhough I do not know them personally. I told my friend that I would be there for her spiritually, that we could talk about growing closer to our Lord and look to him for guidance and healing. She appreciated my candor but told me that I was judging her and that Christ has called us to love. She feels that she is not committing any sin because he would be doing it with someone else anyways so she is not to blame.
Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?
Click to expand...
You definitely are not judging her. The Scriptures tell us to “admonish the sinner”, and to “instruct the ignorant”, and you have shown that you are doing this in a loving, Christian way. Correcting something that you know is going on is the right thing to do.

Judging means something different, and you are definitely not doing that. She is using that to make you feel that you are doing something wrong.
 
You definitely need to say something. I wouldn’t come down super hard of them, but somewhere in their heart they know what they are doing is wrong. i would sadly and calmly explain how wrong it is what they are doing and how you are against it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top