How do I deal with a friend that is having an affair?

[Tietjen]

Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?

Of course it doesn’t. God gave us the ability to know right and wrong. If we refuse to recognize sin then we doom ourselves. Your friend IS sinning. You have addressed that with her. If you feel that you can no longer socialize with her than don’t. You will not be sinning by choosing to abstain from socializing with someone who causes you to feel uncomfortable. I would suggest that whether you decide to continue your relationship with your friend or not, you pray for her as well as for the family of the man she is seeing. That wife and child are truly the ones being betrayed and hurt in this situation.

 

[All4Him]

Tell the wife. Don’t participate in this secret keeping with her. Somehow anon. if you wish, tell the wife.

 

[gmarie21]

Tell the wife. Don’t participate in this secret keeping with her. Somehow anon. if you wish, tell the wife.

It is not her place to do such a thing and most priests would instruct her the same. If her friend wants to do such, then she can. Having been involved in an affair and also having family members who were either hurt by an affair or caused an affair, trust me, the wife already knows. I am sure that the wife is figuring out what she wants to do (approach her husband, turn a blind eye, or leave) which may take some time.

 

[mrs_abbott]

I have a friend that is having an affair with a married man who lives with his wife and son. I spoke with her about the situation and told her that it was difficult for me to meet with her socially because when I look at her I “see” only his wife and child. I am deeply saddened for his family and the pain that this must be causing them eventhough I do not know them personally. I told my friend that I would be there for her spiritually, that we could talk about growing closer to our Lord and look to him for guidance and healing. She appreciated my candor but told me that I was judging her and that Christ has called us to love. She feels that she is not committing any sin because he would be doing it with someone else anyways so she is not to blame.
Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?

If you can, try and remain her friend and lead her back in the right direction.
I read this post and thought of deja vu. I used to be that “other woman” in an adulterous relationship. I was with a man that I knew was married for close to two years. He kept saying he would leave his wife and all that. I don’t know if the guy that your friend is having an affair with is saying stuff like that so correct me if I’m wrong.
Obviously it’s a bad situation all around and probably nothing you can say or do will make your friend end that relationship. I had a friend that was telling me the whole time I was in that relationship that it was horrible and immoral and I needed to end it and find someone who was rightly available. Even though I wasn’t listening to her at the time, I heard every word that she said. Does that make sense? It was her words that helped me get through the drama when the relationship ended, obviously NOT in my favor. He stayed with his wife and son, and rightly so. At the time, I didn’t see it that way. My friend’s words of warning and general concern of my soul helped me start my life over and forget about him and move on.
I know I rambled a bit there but do you understand my point? If you can’t see yourself being able to tolerate being around her due to the relationship, then you better not be. If you can and offer her guidance, God bless you!

 

[All4Him]

It is not her place to do such a thing and most priests would instruct her the same. If her friend wants to do such, then she can. Having been involved in an affair and also having family members who were either hurt by an affair or caused an affair, trust me, the wife already knows. I am sure that the wife is figuring out what she wants to do (approach her husband, turn a blind eye, or leave) which may take some time.

Well, I disagree about the wife knowing. Many spouses whose partners are involved in an affair do not know. They may have a sense that something is wrong, some may have suspiscions, and sure some may know. But I can tell you that some don’t. You can’t presume to know what its happening in that marriage based on what happened in yours or some you know.

The secrecy and those who perpetuate it is what allows an affair to continue. I could never live with myself keeping a secret like that, knowing a family is being destroyed. My work in Retrouvaille has allowed me to come in contact with many couples who are struggling to recover after infidelity. I know that it is possible and that the family she is tearing apart could be saved.

Ulitmatly it is a personal choice about telling. However, in the least, she does need to stand up and say this is wrong and I can’t be a part of it. Perhaps she could offer to resume the friendship if the woman ends the affair, but until then, no.

 

[mrs_abbott]

You can’t presume to know what its happening in that marriage based on what happened in yours or some you know.

And neither can you or anyone else for that matter. It’s different if you experience it rather than being someone who hasn’t (thank goodness) and looking in on the situation.

Perhaps she could offer to resume the friendship if the woman ends the affair, but until then, no.

Telling her to end the friendship would be devastating and cause further destruction with this horrible scenario.

 

[All4Him]

As far as continuing her friendship, my NO comment is how I feel. It would be great to help this woman come to see the truth of her sinful behavior and bring her to change. Perhaps that is what she is called to do. But the flip side is that life is about actions/consequences… and maybe one of the many consequences for the adultress is that some people will not tolerate her immorality and cannot associate with her while she continues.

There is no right answer for this difficult situation. Many people have different opinions. I have just shared mine. It is what I would want someone to do for me in that situation (as the wife) and what I would do in the original poster’s situation.The original poster can sort through and decide for herself what feels morally right to her.

 

[Robaynne]

Tell the wife. Don’t participate in this secret keeping with her. Somehow anon. if you wish, tell the wife.

I am sorry but I disagree with you here. The reason is that it is not her place to tell the wife about her husband having an affair with another women. First of all it would destroy that marriage and secondly it is not her business.

Right now your friend is not going to listen to you and what you have to say. She is clouded by what is happening now but guess what is does end eventually and your friend is going to be very hurt. She needs to hit her head and learn her own lessons. You can tell her it is a sin and so on and so on. It will go through one ear and out the other. All you can do it be there for her when the time comes. Married men never leave their wives some do but end up coming back to their wives. They will make you all the promises in the world and it will go on and on for years with nothing of the sort happening. It hurts terribly when your husband cheats on you with another women I know that feeling and I would not wish that on anybody but I found out on my own nobody told me.

Maybe his wife does suspect something is not right. But she needs to find that out on her own not by you. I had this same problem with my neighbour as I found out that her husband is cheating on her with a very young girl I felt so bad for weeks on end and wanted to send a letter anon but did not want to be responsible for the possible breakup of the marriage. So I prayed about it and left it in God’s hands.

We all make mistakes in life but nobody is perfect and we have no right to judge anybody. That is in God’s hands pray for you friend that she will come to her senses. It is not easy but if she is a really good friend then she will eventually listen and remember the things that you said to her.

 

[BristolBane]

This reminds me of that movie where the husband is cheating and everyone in town knows about it except the wife. So all the women are looking sideways at her and sort of snickering and pitying her at the same time.

Everyone keeping silent just helps the scoundrels.

 

[All4Him]

I am sorry but I disagree with you here. The reason is that it is not her place to tell the wife about her husband having an affair with another women. First of all it would destroy that marriage and secondly it is not her business.

Right now your friend is not going to listen to you and what you have to say. She is clouded by what is happening now but guess what is does end eventually and your friend is going to be very hurt. She needs to hit her head and learn her own lessons. You can tell her it is a sin and so on and so on. It will go through one ear and out the other. All you can do it be there for her when the time comes. Married men never leave their wives some do but end up coming back to their wives. They will make you all the promises in the world and it will go on and on for years with nothing of the sort happening. It hurts terribly when your husband cheats on you with another women I know that feeling and I would not wish that on anybody but I found out on my own nobody told me.

Maybe his wife does suspect something is not right. But she needs to find that out on her own not by you. I had this same problem with my neighbour as I found out that her husband is cheating on her with a very young girl I felt so bad for weeks on end and wanted to send a letter anon but did not want to be responsible for the possible breakup of the marriage. So I prayed about it and left it in God’s hands.

We all make mistakes in life but nobody is perfect and we have no right to judge anybody. That is in God’s hands pray for you friend that she will come to her senses. It is not easy but if she is a really good friend then she will eventually listen and remember the things that you said to her.

If she chose to tell the wife it would not be on her shoulders if the marriage did not work. First of all, the marriage may not be destroyed by this fact it may be, for the first time ever, worked on and become a truely sacramental marriage.
The desctruction of the marriage is/has already taken place, by the husband and his mistress. The poor wife just doesn’t know about it yet. At least faced with the truth she can fight a fair fight for her marriage. But the destruction the infidelity has wrought upon that marriage rests soley upon the shoulders of the adulterers, not anyone else.
Like I said, many different opinions. What would you want if you were the wife? I would want to know. The affair survives in secrecy, it is just my opinion that those who keep the secret enable the adulterers and betray another human. I would tell, I would want to know. And I would continue to pray that all involved find the healing of Christ’s love and begin to follow His path. That is just my opinion.

 

[Robaynne]

If she chose to tell the wife it would not be on her shoulders if the marriage did not work. First of all, the marriage may not be destroyed by this fact it may be, for the first time ever, worked on and become a truely sacramental marriage.
The desctruction of the marriage is/has already taken place, by the husband and his mistress. The poor wife just doesn’t know about it yet. At least faced with the truth she can fight a fair fight for her marriage. But the destruction the infidelity has wrought upon that marriage rests soley upon the shoulders of the adulterers, not anyone else.
Like I said, many different opinions. What would you want if you were the wife? I would want to know. The affair survives in secrecy, it is just my opinion that those who keep the secret enable the adulterers and betray another human. I would tell, I would want to know. And I would continue to pray that all involved find the healing of Christ’s love and begin to follow His path. That is just my opinion.

I am not sure if you have read any of my threads. But my husband cheated on me in 1998 is devastated me and I could never get over it. But I tried to work things out and tried to make things right for my marriage. But guess what he did it a second time. Then again last year he cheated again this time with a 19 year old and she became pregnant from him. He is 33 and we have 2 kids aged 6 and 8. And he has made it very clear that she and the new baby mean more to him than his own kids. We are separated and he did not care about the damage he caused he is making the most of a bad situation. The pain of knowing kills you everyday because you think of the things that happened between them and so on and so on. I am sorry to say but when you suspect something and you dig and dig and you find out things like photo’s or little love notes it kills you. It nearly killed me when I found out about it because I took a overdose now I am happy to say that with God’s help I am finally healing after a year. If my neighbour had to find out that her husband cheated on her it would destroy for number she does not work, she has been at home for 10 years. She cooks, cleans, washes, irons does everything for her family. It would destroy her and I do not want to be the one to tell her because she saw me and what I went through and it hurt her terribly.

I regret finding out maybe it would have been better if I never knew the pain would not have been so bad.

Penny9 the decision is yours to make what you are going to do about your friend. We can all give you different kinds of advice but the decision is yours at the end of the day. I am against adultery as it broke up and destroyed my marriage. I do not agree with what your friend is doing but she is going to hit her head very hard because she cannot base her happiness on somebody else’s unhappiness. What you do unto others can come back ten fold to you. But she is an adult and needs to learn her own lessons. You cannot judge her that is up to God not us here. Pray for her to find her way. And that she opens her eyes to see the straight and narrow path. Leave everything in God’s hands he will guide you in the right direction.

 

[FightingFat]

I have a friend that is having an affair with a married man who lives with his wife and son. I spoke with her about the situation and told her that it was difficult for me to meet with her socially because when I look at her I “see” only his wife and child. I am deeply saddened for his family and the pain that this must be causing them eventhough I do not know them personally. I told my friend that I would be there for her spiritually, that we could talk about growing closer to our Lord and look to him for guidance and healing. She appreciated my candor but told me that I was judging her and that Christ has called us to love. She feels that she is not committing any sin because he would be doing it with someone else anyways so she is not to blame.
Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?

I think she has a point. But it’s not as good as your one.

I think if she wants to socialise with you, she must be prepared to hear your opinion about her behaviour. You can still be her friend, being a friend includes telling harsh truths.

 

[Erich]

…Presumed by the Church, but who really know what God thinks?..

Doesn’t Matthew 16:19 (“Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”) already cover that?

 

[TarAshly]

I have a friend that is having an affair with a married man who lives with his wife and son. I spoke with her about the situation and told her that it was difficult for me to meet with her socially because when I look at her I “see” only his wife and child. I am deeply saddened for his family and the pain that this must be causing them eventhough I do not know them personally. I told my friend that I would be there for her spiritually, that we could talk about growing closer to our Lord and look to him for guidance and healing. She appreciated my candor but told me that I was judging her and that Christ has called us to love. She feels that she is not committing any sin because he would be doing it with someone else anyways so she is not to blame.
Would Christ call me to socialize with her and close my eyes to her affair? Does judging mean that I cannot see sin in the world and respond to it?

Here’s my thing, as a married woman any woman who would sleep with a married man is lower than dirt and I would have absolutely NOTHING to do with someone who can take such a blah attitude with homewrecking. Just my opinion but I would drop her like a bad habit.

 

[urban-hermit]

… I guess I am still struggling with her accusation that I am judging her and Christ has said many times in the scriptures: do not judge. I feel at times that I am committing sin by my response as to not being Christlike. …

Don’t let yourself feel guilty for standing up for what is right. Sinners very often attempt to manipulate others into approving of their sin under the guise of “not judging”. The problem is, they are leading others into sin right along with them, by basically trying to get them to cooperate in their sin at some level:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.
  SOURCE: online catechism of the Catholic Church

I say may God bless you for your compassionate heart and the interest and love you have shown to this friend. But I am also glad that you have distanced yourself from her.