How do i deal with being around non - Catholics when i'm still only a new convert and surrounded by people who are bad influences?

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bethanysamuel

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I’m a recent convert, well, I’ve always been Catholic in the sense that I was baptised Catholic and have many Catholic relatives but many are non-practising, or what you might call cafeteria Catholics. Anyway, after many years of not knowing much about my own faith, I recently became deeply interested in the Church, went through a year of Catechesis, and got Confirmed in May. I am very very happy with my new-although challenging-way of living and feel utterly blessed that the Holy Spirit has lead me back to Holy Mother Church.
However, despite the fact that I live in a largely Catholic country, a lot of my friends and family have fallen away from the Church, partly due to the Liturgical abuse, partly due to…all sorts of reasons I guess, I’m not sure. Anyway, despite the fact that I regularly pray for atheists etc., I struggle with the dilemma of a) wanting to be a charitable neighbour, b) wanting to only be around devout Catholics. There is 1 particular atheist friend for example who keeps wanting to meet up, but any time I do, she manages to break nearly all the Commandments within ten minutes! But she professes to love me. Help!
 
A few years ago I went through a similar phase where I was being pulled closer to God and as a consequence my life started to change as well. A number of people I had in my life suddenly didn’t fit with where I was going and that left me very confused. They were nice people and all, but had very different values and beliefs and I was more and more aware of the influence they had over me. I began to see these friendships in a different light and put some boundaries in place.

There will be people who will insist that you have a duty to evangelise and show the light of Christ to unbelievers (and they will probably quote St. Francis too) and will warn you not to judge others. However, this is something important to understand: we must not judge the state of someone’s soul but we have every right to distingush between good and bad and call sin what it is. Otherwise we will easily fall into the trap of relativism and start justifying all sorts of things. That attitude does not bring us close to God.

Basically, it all comes down to whether people are a good or bad influence on you. As new to the faith you are still vulnerable and need all the protection you can get. Surround yourself with those who share your faith because that will help you get stronger and to grow spiritually. Distance yourself from people who are damaging to your faith. Of course, not all atheists/non Christians are necessarily a bad influence, just like unfortunately, not all Christians are guaranteed to be holy people. But know the limits and don’t be afraid to distance yourself from what is not good. If a friend manages to scandalise you within 10 minutes of a conversation and leave you feeling very uncomofrtable, then it is prudent to distance yourself from that person. Try to be open about how his/her behaviour makes you feel, explain that you have changed and that you are not comfortable with certain things. Some people will understand, others will not. Some friendships will definitely fizzle out as a consequence of your conversion, while others will survive. Be prepared for that. But always put God first bevcause he will lead you and never abandon you. These things happen as we mature, and not only as a consequence of conversion. Such is life.

I hope this has helped a bit.
 
By Being True to Yourself. Sadly there will Always be bad influences around, but you can overcome them, and be your own person. Been there, done that.
 
You know, when I was 12, I wasn’t Catholic and met my best friend who introduced me to the Catholic faith. I had terrible ethics at the time, but she was solid as a rock. In fact, she was going through such misery with her dad leaving her mom… yet she was always so loving. I remember that I had never seen love that strong before. We became really good friends over the years, but I was still stubborn and prideful and argumentative. 24 years after I met my best friend, I became a Catholic myself and my whole life changed. I owe her so much, and as much as I tell her this, I wonder if she will ever truly realize.

That said, you still need a support structure, and it seems like CAF is a really good one to start! Maybe if you have specific issues you could present them here, and I am sure these good folks would provide you with edification.

And I’ve been in similar situations to you, but… I’m reluctant to share them because it was pretty scary, and everyone’s situation is different… but when I converted to Catholicism, I wound up drawing closer to Christ and lost my marriage over it. My ex used to call my Christian music “whiny” (where he got that, I have no idea.) It’s an extreme case, but… sigh And… my boss told me he didn’t like Christians, and then had me written up for all sorts of bogus things… made me miserable, so I quit… so, yeah, again, it’s an extreme case. BUT, the happy ending is that I am now married to my soulmate, a wonderful man and devout Catholic, and I am in my dream job. So… haha, I guess the Lord really does know what He’s doing!

So, on to practical advice: perhaps there are social groups in Catholic churches in your country? Also, maybe take an online test to help you discern your charismatic gifts from the Holy Spirit – this could help you focus your efforts on what you should be doing. For example, if prayer is a major component, maybe start attending morning or evening prayer. If it’s hospitality, then maybe become involved in planning events for senior centers. If you build a Catholic life, you can always invite your friends into it!

Blessings,
Jules
 
Thank you so much, these replies have really helped. I attend Mass roughly 4-5 days a week, attend a weekly Faith group, pray the Rosary daily, examine my conscience regularly and have met some truly wonderful people in the Parish. Im involved in lots of positive things and basically have a good life. However I recently reached spiritual burnout and now, after having recovered completely from a breakdown, am quite protective of my goodness, not in a prideful way, but in a prudent way. I dont want to be taken advantage of. I dont mind being used, but not abused. I think maybe i need more fortitude in really being myself, as you have suggested, and standing up and not being afraid to say no. Thats the thing, sometimes i cant say no. I want to only say yes to God and to goodness. The key is, as one of you said is being able to say “I’ve changed”. Thats it!
 
Hi Beth!

Are your friends asking you to do something that is against your Christian principles? Is that what you are having troubles saying “no” to? Maybe if you gave us an example, we could help.

A lot of times, people think doing activities that breaks the 10 commandments will make them “happy” (like relations outside of marriage), but there are so many lies that people buy into. Perhaps your friend needs to see someone who truly has the peace of our Beloved Saviour in her heart to see what true happiness is.

You know what really calls attention to Christ? Being a rusty lantern. Having the Light of Christ shine so brightly in your heart that people are attracted to that light, even though you may look like a beat-up old lantern. And they can’t figure it out… they just know they want to be around you. (BTW, not saying you look like that haha… but your friend may be attracted to your Spirit-filled heart and not understand quite why… this has happened many times with other faithful, from what I have read, and if I recall, this effect was epitomized by our Blessed Mother in Augustine’s City of God.)

Blessings,
Jules
 
I like the analogy of the rusty lantern. I think maybe i was becoming that, but i got so rusty i fell apart and so now need to keep the lantern polished a bit for protection. I so wanted to stay strong and defeat evil, and having the breakdown was so heartbreaking, and I got into mortal sin in hospital and felt like such a failure. I had to make some changes in my life as part of my recovery, like walking away from a job involving mental bullying. It took a while to get back on my feet, go to Confession, pray, feel new hope etc. As for the types of things i find hard to say no to, i mean just like when someone says lets go 4 coffee and I know that the person will end up doing things like slandering people and taking the Lord’s name in vain or putting me on a pedestal when I want to stay humble etc. But then what stops me, often, is a) not wanting to lie by making up a false excuse why I cant go for coffee, or b) feeling that God might want me to use this as a potential evangelizing mini-session. I dont necessarily mean preaching or quoting from the bible, I mean just by being nice: having coffee, having a chat, listening to her with compassion, offering practical help, or whatever. I dont want to lie to people. And I dont want to become judgemental+proud. I just want to be a Catholic.
 
Awww I wonder if maybe you should seek spiritual direction from a priest on this matter. It sounds like maybe you are called by the Holy Spirit to be a shining light for your friend… but I’ve also been instructed that we shouldn’t take on more than we can handle. I think a priest can help you discern your progress with your friend. I was once told that “even Paul escaped his prison once his work there was done.” (It took a LOT of convincing for me to leave my abusive husband… these situations are never clear cut, so it’s good to have a spiritual director assist you with perspective and discernment.)

So, here are my practical thoughts:
  1. If you asked one of your friends not to take the Lord’s name in vain, would she respect your wishes? Tell her how much it hurts you, and if she really cares about you, she will stop.
  2. If you find someone slandering someone else, that is actually a pretty bad sign. Even from a psychological point of view, if they are slandering someone else, then how can you trust them that they won’t do the same to you? Personally, I would keep my distance from that person, because that is REALLY immature for an adult… but that’s just me. I’ve been burned too many times by two-faced people like that.
  3. Dealing with folks who put you on a pedastal is a toughie. This comes back to the rusty lantern… or perhaps in some cases more of the picture frame analogy. My grandma was a traditional artist, and she always said that a good frame for a painting was one that calls attention to the painting but not to itself. If someone looked at the painting and commented on how nice the frame was, it was the wrong frame for the painting. Whenever I do my ministry, I try as hard as possible to be a picture frame for Christ. This is often not easy, because some people don’t understand that the only beauty in us is that which Christ has given to us. And yes it is a revolting feeling when someone puts you on a pedestal… My usual reaction is to stare at the floor and tell them that I am a mess, and that any goodness comes from God’s generosity to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I always try to redirect the attention to God. This is very hard to do with an atheist, but I do it anyway. And then… if someone wants to argue with me about it (I’m a scientist, so I am surrounded by atheists), I have no problem going into philosophy mode and telling them what’s what. lol. But then… yeah, I need a bath. sigh Fighting against pride is such a tough battle… but you are NOT alone in this fight. We must redirect the glory to our Lord since Truth is that the only goodness that we have to share was a free gift to us from Him in the first place.
    4, When you suffer a defeat in spiritual battle, please remember it’s only one battle and not the war. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you mess up… actually, there has been some instruction from traditional spiritual directors that warn against being overly grieved when we slip because God let’s us do this to remind us of how sinful we really are. It is actually one of His gifts to protect us from being mastered in Pride. And besides… wounded in battle calls for rest and spiritual healing. Even God rested on the seventh day. He didn’t have to… He’s telling us it’s ok and it’s expected that we rest.
Take care of yourself… it really sounds like you are being called to do the Lord’s work in a very direct manner, and (anyone correct me if I am wrong) I think with this level of work, you really need to have some spiritual direction from a priest or a nun.

And one final comment… haha, I remember myself saying “I just want a normal Catholic life”… thing is, if Christ is REALLY asking you to do something for Him, would you tell Him no? On the other hand, what if the Enemy is trying to get you to take on battles that you are not meant to take, in order to burn you out? That is why spiritual direction is so important. A priest can help you discern the difference.

God bless,
Jules
 
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