How do I deal with controlling , emotionally abusive parents?

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darkangel123

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I am 24 years old and financially independent though I live with my parents as is the norm in India. My parents are against me marrying my boyfriend because according to them, the community he belongs to cannot be trusted and he is not “atleast 2 years older than I am” (they believe that if this is broken, then the couple will not be compatible)
I have stood my ground though because my boyfriend and I truly love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
My parents have always been controlling (my career choice, work place, everything has been decided by them) Even now I need to get prior permission from them for meeting with friends or going out. Sometimes they even go to the lengths of chaperoning me and this has been a great source of embarrassment for me. They say that they do it for my own good. If I do something for myself, they call me selfish and characterless. They say that as parents they know what is best for me and I should blindly trust in them and do as they say. Any sign of dissent is taken as disrespect and selfishness. They even quote Bible verses for this and say that I should be obedient and do as they say even if I don’t like it, as how Jesus was obedient to His Father. They even took me to a carmelite nun who told me that listening to parents is listening to God and God’s will will be executed only if I listen to them.I have been visiting a therapist lately and she advised me to start saying no and I have been working on this.
But, from a catholic stand, how do I deal with them without hurting their feelings?
 
Read the Catechism on the 4th commandment. An adult child has no obligation to obey parents. Parents do not have the authority to choose a child’s vocation, job, or spouse.

This is cultural issue, not religious in nature. So you are going to have to decide whether you are going to go against the grain of your culture or not. It’s going to be a difficult decision, and there is likely no way to shed cultural norms without friction or hurt feelings.

Moving out would be a good start. If you have your own means of support, then that is possible for you to accomplish.

Your parents seem to quote the bible when convenient, and yet on another thread you talk about them going to an astrologer (I assume that’s Hindu or some other pagan practice). They seem selective in their bible quoting, because the Bible and Catechism have something to say about this sort of behavior, too.
 
1ke’s post is thorough! I agree that the most difficult part will be the cultural aspect, not the religious. You must behave with the utmost gentleness, patience, forbearance, and love - but you still must also assert yourself as the adult you ARE. Their feelings will most likely be hurt no matter how loving you respond, but hopefully with time they will be forgiving.
 
I would not say your parents are controlling and abusive, since they are taking care of you according to the cultural norms for caring for one’s unmarried daughter. Give them a pass on that, and even give them credit for trying to do what they have been taught is the dutiful way for parents to act. You are not likely to teach an old dog new tricks. Well, we can hope for actions; don’t hope for their attitudes to change until your new husband starts showing what a good father to their grandchildren he really is.

Having said that, you are 24 years old and are free to marry whomever you choose, provided he is free to marry. In your shoes, I would consult with my pastor*, whom my parents would take as an authority, and have him explain to them that choosing my own husband is my right and my duty, and not theirs. In order to guard my chastity, they need to allow me to marry the husband of my choosing, rather than holding out hope that they will choose someone for me. (*speaking of your pastor–do you not find it telling that your parents hand-picked a religious figure who agreed with them to talk to you about obedience to them, rather than taking you to the man who really does have the duty of your spiritual care and theirs?)

As for moving out, this could be the ideal in areas where it is possible and where the parents violation of cultural norms really would seem to indicate an overly controlling mindset, but there are places where this is simply not done and where young women living alone really are far less safe than women living with their families or a husband. That is the way life is, in some places, and it may be that way where you are. You can argue with your parents, but do consider how those who really do have a gravely bad character might read your living situation! Consider, too, that while being chaperoned is inconvenient, there may be worse things. There are many women who have failed at chastity when they shook off this support. It is up to you what to choose, however, since this particular means of avoiding a near occasion of sin is by no means required by moral law.

I would suggest that you accept what you can about your parents “house rules,” but let them know that you are going to marry the man you choose, as is your right, and that if you have to move out in order to do it, you are ready to do that, too, if forced. Enlist the aid of your pastor, though, as the “line of command” on obedience is going to be important if you have any hope of getting this through to your parents without them totally blowing a gasket.
 
Thanks everyone for your insight.

About moving out, I don’t think its a good idea because it is unheard of in my culture and would do more harm than good.

Easterjoy - I haven’t written about the hurtful stuff they have told me so you wouldn’t know about the abuse. They even threatened to hurt themselves if I don’t toe the line.

About the pastor, yes we did visit a couple of them , one of whom told me that the community my boyfriend belongs to is “vicious and double tongued and therefore shouldn’t be trusted” He also supported my mother’s view that in case I marry without their approval, they are right in “washing their hands off me and cut me out entirely”. Another priest though, spoke for me but it fell on deaf ears.
 
It sounds as though you have a decision to make. In the west, it would be much easier to establish your independence. I can understand your fears to break with the cultural norms of your country.
 
I am praying for you, that the Holy Spirit will inspire your parents to consider another view, and that peace will prevail among you.
 
darkangel123 said:
Thanks everyone for your insight.

About moving out, I don’t think its a good idea because it is unheard of in my culture and would do more harm than good.

Easterjoy - I haven’t written about the hurtful stuff they have told me so you wouldn’t know about the abuse. They even threatened to hurt themselves if I don’t toe the line.

About the pastor, yes we did visit a couple of them , one of whom told me that the community my boyfriend belongs to is “vicious and double tongued and therefore shouldn’t be trusted” He also supported my mother’s view that in case I marry without their approval, they are right in “washing their hands off me and cut me out entirely”. Another priest though, spoke for me but it fell on deaf ears.
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OK, so you are talking about behavior that is out-of-bounds in any culture. There are cultures where parents routinely use their control over the family inheritance as leverage to manipulate heirs–which does not make it right, mind you–but I’ve never heard of a culture where parents use the threat of self-harm to do that. You are talking about behavior that you would not be able to tolerate your children hearing.

I would highly suggest that you find an outside ally, such as the priest who told your parents what the Church actually teaches instead of being enslaved to the local prejudices himself, to help guide you as you make your decision for yourself. I would go so far as to say you ought not restrict your circle of support to just one person. Do not go this alone.

Having said that, when a “forbidden” marriage goes through, parents who threatened dire consequences very often don’t go through with them. This becomes particularly true when the arrival of grandchildren both melts their hearts and convinces them that their new in-law is in their child’s life to stay. Whatever happens, their choices are their choices. You are not responsible for any inappropriate actions they take with your choices as an excuse. Realizing that in your head and coping with it in your heart when your parents try to blame you for their rash actions are two different things, though. Get your support system in place before you push any of your parents’ red buttons. You are going to need it, which is OK. There is a reason Our Lord always sent his disciples out two-by-two.

If your parents try to say that anything that causes family strife must be a sin, remember what Our Lord said: "Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." (Luke 12:51-53) Sometimes, sticking up for what is right will cause a row. I cannot say if the fellow you intend to marry will make a good husband or not, but I can say that your parents are speaking out of turn when they condemn him because of his family background. The only person with the authority to choose your husband for you is you, and the Church is very plain about that.
 
EasterJoy said:
If your parents try to say that anything that causes family strife must be a sin, remember what Our Lord said: "Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." (Luke 12:51-53) Sometimes, sticking up for what is right will cause a row. I cannot say if the fellow you intend to marry will make a good husband or not, but I can say that your parents are speaking out of turn when they condemn him because of his family background. The only person with the authority to choose your husband for you is you, and the Church is very plain about that.
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I was thinking about what you wrote while I was getting ready for Mass and guess what, it was the day’s reading !
 
darkangel123 said:
Thanks everyone for your insight.

About moving out, I don’t think its a good idea because it is unheard of in my culture and would do more harm than good…
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In that case, pray for strength from the Holy Sprit while you are still living with your parents
darkangel123 said:
They even threatened to hurt themselves if I don’t toe the line.
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That is their free choice and frankly, not your concern

You need to forget about what everyone is telling you. Focus on hearing God’s voice and if marrying your boyfriend is His will, He will provide. I realize in your culture that is a very difficult leap of faith to take. But… Jesus never said it will be easy
 
There was something very familiar about your first post…so familiar, I felt I had to check your posting history. It seems that this situation has been going on for at least two years!

So, what is your plan? Are you waiting until you and your fiancée can afford to live without parental help? Or, are you looking for ways to convince your parents that this marriage is the best thing for you?

If the latter, I can all but guarantee you, you will NOT convince them. How much do you really love your boyfriend? If you really love each other, make some firm plans. Your parents, sad to say, do not have your best interest at heart. Your fiancée has already proven himself by the time he has waited…especilly if the financial obstacles have been overcome. Please, don’t string him along. If you think you’ll give in to your parents, he deserves better.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this is at least the third thread you’ve started on this subject. I’m not trying to minimize things, you may even have to move out of your neighborhood. But your family sounds not only controlling, but superstitious as well.

Time to grow up and do what is best for YOU.
 
I just ask God to help your parents to see and welcome your boyfriend for who he is, not as a type.
I ask God that you see him as he really is and will be, so that you know if your parents are right or if you are.
And that the right decisions will follow.
May God grant this prayer.
 
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