How do I deal with gay sister-in-law?

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Hi

I’ve been married for 7 years. My husband has 3 sisters and one is actively gay. My husband’s family is really not religious at all and my sister-in-law has had several girlfriends since I’ve known her.

I do not see her often, just a few family get-together’s each year and I mostly keep any conversation light and of a general nature. I’ve always been nice to her girlfriends as they are always nice people. I also know that God loves them as much as he loves me and that Jesus Christ died for them too.

Her most recent girlfriend used to be married and has 2 adult children and a grandchild. This new girlfriend has taken a liking to me, I guess becasue I’ve tried to be friendly to her. But my problem is this…she assumes that I’m a democrat, pro-choice, pro-homosexual agenda…and I’m not. No one has asked me my opinion, it’s just in conversation things are said that assumes the listener (me) is in agreement with the speaker (her)!

So…what do I do? Do I speak up and let her know that her lifestyle is offensive to God? That I am in agreement with the Catholic church on abortion and homosexuality? I feel as if my silence is being taken as consent and that I am offending God by allowing this to continue. At the same time, I do not want to cause our rare family get-togethers to be uncomfortable. Or cause any rift between my sister-in-law and my husband.
 
Say something like, “Please don’t take personal offense because I do consider you a friend, but I am in agreement with Church teaching on these difficult moral issues.”

If she becomes hostile, that’s her problem, not yours. “I don’t think this is a very good topic for us. Let’s leave this discussion alone and talk about something else later.” and then just walk away.

If she seems like she wants to engage in cordial debate, better be sure to have your facts ready, or be prepared to tell her you’d rather discuss it another time, maybe over email when you can both form your arguments without being interrupted.
 
I’d say to be honest. Be courteous, but not overly accomodating. If your sister-in-law’s girlfriend thinks that you approve of her relationship with your sister-in-law, then you’ve given her the wrong impression, right?

I think that if she expresses to you an opinion that she holds, or a lifestyle (that are morally unacceptable) that she participates in, then you have the responsibility to state your disapproval. She should know that you are Catholic, and that you do not approve of her perverse lifestyle.

This does not mean that you need to be the cause of a family rift. One of my brothers lived with his girlfriend for a long time. I never told him outright that he was sinning, and that he had better repent. He learned from my reactions to things that he said, and my actions as a whole, that I considered this to be sinful (and gravely so); but since I did not force the issue, and provided only those objections which defended my position, he did not feel isolated or rejected. Instead, he understood that he was the one imposing; and as far as I know, he doesn’t live with his girlfriend (now fiance) anymore.

Being a stronger witness, and explaining why you have objection to your sister-in-law’s lifestyle would be up to you. Just make sure you make the distinction between the person, and the perverse and sinful act that the person is participating in.

Hope this helps.

God bless,

Agricola
 
Ahhhh…family!
DH’s family (2 sisters, mom and dad) are ALL pro-abortion, pro-homosexuality, pro-euthanasia, pro-stem cell research, ad nausem.
They have no religious beliefs whatsoever and resent my conversion to Catholicism. Every time there is a family get together, they all attempt to bait me in one way or another - through “reason”.
I am polite to them all (they do have some good characteristics) and stop them in their tracks each time by asserting my belief in The Holy Catholic Church and all her precepts. I usually reply with, “You know very well how I think on THAT particular subject, so let’s just agree to disagree and let it go”.
They continue to try argueing. I just refuse to engage them.
I’m unfailingly kind and polite to them all.
Lately, they’ve become particularly perturbed because DH (who is himself an agnostic) has tentively begun to take my side in these little tete a tetes.
Be always kind to the SIL & her “friends”, but let your Catholic light shine for them all to see. Don’t let them “assume” anything. We can always have the hope that that light will blind them to their error down the road.
:blessyou:
 
Thank you all so much for your advice. It’s becoming clear to me that I will have to say something when the subject arises.

It’s tough though…and I’m not very good at confrontation. I’m a little intimidated by my sister-in-law. She’s always nice to me, but she’s a tough cookie. She’s a retired police sargent…and even as a regular citizen now, she loves to get into it with the neighbors and all…even when it’s not her business!

But, I need to at the very least, let them know what I believe. I do not need to debate it, just state it.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your views and advice.

God Bless You!
 
I have a suggestion. There may be some instances where you and your SIL agree. It could be Iraq war, overuse of death penalty or help for the poor.

In one of these conversations, interject something like, “I totally agree. As an orthodox Catholic, I believe our society should be doing more to help the poor.” This might help her understand that you don’t agree on with all her opinions.

Be ready to answer questions charitably, about positions of the CC, that she does not agree with. If you don’t know all the answers, tell her you’ll get back to her with a clear explanation, and then go do your research.
 
I don’t know if I would say anything. If I were in that situation with a sister-in-law involved with such a very public sin…I myself would feel like a hypocrite saying anything about it, considering that I struggle with a lot of less public sins. I personally would have trouble with confrontation about it. If asked about my beliefs, I would lay them out very clearly…otherwise, I’d just keep peace in the family and pray for her. But that’s just me.
 
Lol, yeah thats a tough one, especially when its family.
I know because i have two “uncles” (My Moms brother and his partner) Been together 20+ years.

I am like Pius, I dont think i would say anything, I am to aware of my own sinfulness. I skateboard and believe me the guys I hang with are nothing but total heathens and or practical pagans.

I just keep striving to live the Faith, I struggle with my sins everyday so who am i to condemn my uncle and his friend. Or anybody for that matter? besides my Uncles friend was very good to me when I lost my Sister. For that I will always be grateful.

They come to the Family gatherings and no one even thinks about it. I Love them both. Its the 21st century i guess.
Pax
 
I think one thing has not been discussed here. What would Miss Manners say? Ha ha!
  1. No matter what state a person is in, if she presents herself as married when she is not, you simply refuse to recognize the “marriage.” This applies for people living together as well as for homosexual marriages. You don’t address them as “wife” or “girlfriend” or the non-sister as a “sister-in-law.” The non-sister is your sister-in-law’s friend and nothing more, and you treat her as such. (Which means being polite.) You get the idea. You do not address mail to them as partners. (Separate lines on the envelope’s address if it is for both, just addressed to your husband’s sister if it is not for both.) You don’t go along with their charade.
  2. You can be polite to them as individuals while still doing number 1. For instance, while in conversation with them, you could ask about work. You could chat about the woman’s kids and grandkid. If you want to ask her about your sister-in-law, you can refer to her by name instead of by saying “wife.” You don’t have to correct her if she says “wife” or some such. Your refusal to use it will be noted, even when you are unfailingly polite.
  3. Your responses need not be verbal. If she starts to talk about something you disagree with, you can become somewhat distant or politely curt and change the subject or show a shocked or puzzled facial expression. For instance, the woman is chatting, chatting, chatting and you are chatting along when she says, “If only our country would recognize gay marriage we wouldn’t have this problem, you know?” Don’t nod your head. You could engage in a debate or give your position if you wanted. But an alternative is to drop your smile and engaging facial features and in a monotone (not cruel or condescending, monotone) voice say, “That’s interesting.” Then quickly resume your cheerful disposition when you say, “So how is Mary doing anyway?” Believe me, a couple times of this and she’ll get the idea that it isn’t up for discussion. It keeps the peace AND it makes your position clear.
  4. Don’t let her lead the conversation so much. Take an active part in the conversation. Be willing to chat about things that are neutral. If it gets into something you disagree with, change the subject. If it is really heading down hill, excuse yourself. “Oh, excuse me. I have to check on the boys. (Or the potatoes. Or see if Mom needs help. Or to go to the restroom.)” When you are done with that, you don’t have to come back to the discussion with her. And, if you are more active in the conversation, you can drop hints about your position without saying so much. For instance, while chatting about how cute her grandkids and your kids or grandkids are, you can throw in something like, “The other day at Mass, little Mary was so cute! You know what she did?..” or if you are discussing books you can say, “Oh, I know. There is so much to learn and so many books I wish to get to, but there never is enough time in the day, is there? I’ve been working on getting through Pope Paul VI’s encyclical Humanae Vitae for 3 weeks and I think I’m going to finally finish it tomorrow. It is only 18 pages long! I remember when I would read that much in a single day before!” You haven’t changed the subject in an otherwise polite conversation, caused a conflict, been condescending or impolite, but you have made your position known.
  5. I am reminded of a post that AlanFromWichita made some time back. It has stuck with me since. I think it is good advice for you as well.
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AlanFromWichita:
I like examples of people acting classy toward each other despite whatever differences they have.

A baroness from Denmark, a friend of my wife’s who witnessed our wedding, used to tell of having lunches with Hitler among the guests. We asked her what he was like? She said, “I had no way of knowing. We had lunch together, everybody used good manners.”
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  1. And if all else fails, you could minimize your contact with her through preoccupation with the dishes, the dog, the kids, the furniture, your MIL, or whatever else would keep you distracted.
 
Very good advice…all of you.

Just to clear something up, I would not tell them what I think because I think I’m sinless. God knows that is not true. It’s only become an issue with the latest “girlfriend” because she continually brings up “lesbianism” in her conversation with me and the implication is that I am on the same page as she and my sister-in-law. It’s as if she’s including me in what she sees as the “well-informed, politically correct, pro-woman, pro-choice” bunch. I only want to tell her that I am not that person. My only concern is I am further offending God (I know I offend him daily with my own sin) by not stating my beliefs in this matter…

I really don’t see them that much and that is why it’s been pretty easy to keep things copasetic at the few family get-togethers each year. I like my sister-in-law and her girlfriends. As people there is nothing wrong with them and I know that homosexuality is a sin that has just become widely accepted in this society, as many sins have.

I was watching EWTN and the priest (I don’t know which one) was saying we have to speak up. We have to have courage to say what is right.

I think I will and ask God to give me the words when the time is right.
 
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Forest-Pine:
And, if you are more active in the conversation, you can drop hints about your position without saying so much. For instance, while chatting about how cute her grandkids and your kids or grandkids are, you can throw in something like, “The other day at Mass, little Mary was so cute! You know what she did?..” or if you are discussing books you can say, “Oh, I know. There is so much to learn and so many books I wish to get to, but there never is enough time in the day, is there? I’ve been working on getting through Pope Paul VI’s encyclical Humanae Vitae for 3 weeks and I think I’m going to finally finish it tomorrow. It is only 18 pages long! I remember when I would read that much in a single day before!” You haven’t changed the subject in an otherwise polite conversation, caused a conflict, been condescending or impolite, but you have made your position known.
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I especially like this idea Forest Pine…thanks. I may be able to work that in.
 
I’m not God, but here are some words you could use:

“As fond as I am of you, I still…” (disagree about gay marraige, or whatever.)

Since I owe one gay man some of my sanity, and a group of lesbians for my life, it has been difficult for me to bring my heart into line with the Church. I love all of them dearly, and pray for them. But the truth is the truth - and nobody ever said it would be easy!
 
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jebojora:
Her most recent girlfriend…has taken a liking to me, I guess becasue I’ve tried to be friendly to her. But my problem is this…she assumes that I’m a democrat, pro-choice, pro-homosexual agenda…and I’m not. No one has asked me my opinion, it’s just in conversation things are said that assumes the listener (me) is in agreement with the speaker (her)!

So…what do I do? Do I speak up…?
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Your relationship with this woman is a credit to your charity, kindness and generous heart. It benefits no one to lecture another adult about your opinion of their moral lapses–unless you are specifically asked your opinion about a particular situation. Even then, in the context of family dynamics, it can be dicey. You certainly do not have to pretend to be someone you are not or espouse views you do not condone to keep the peace.

I would suggest that you are far more credible, convicing and persuasive when you have a solid, warm and respectful relationship with someone as opposed to filling the role of disapproving moralist lecturing them on the fine points of how/why their life is sinful. That said, being well informed and/or offering information or an explanation of Church teachings, and the reasons for your agreement with them, is far different than lecturing or judging.
 
Island Oak:
Your relationship with this woman is a credit to your charity, kindness and generous heart. It benefits no one to lecture another adult about your opinion of their moral lapses–unless you are specifically asked your opinion about a particular situation. Even then, in the context of family dynamics, it can be dicey. You certainly do not have to pretend to be someone you are not or espouse views you do not condone to keep the peace.

I would suggest that you are far more credible, convicing and persuasive when you have a solid, warm and respectful relationship with someone as opposed to filling the role of disapproving moralist lecturing them on the fine points of how/why their life is sinful. That said, being well informed and/or offering information or an explanation of Church teachings, and the reasons for your agreement with them, is far different than lecturing or judging.
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Thank you very much. You’ve said exactly what I’m feeling. I am not at all interested in chastizing or lecturing this woman or my sister-in-law. I pray for both of them. I pray that they will see their sin. This is a prayer I pray for myself as well. I do not think I am above them or that they are wicked…I just think they’ve bought into Satan’s lies…as have so many people.

Thank you for you advice and helpful insight.
 
Have a private chat with your sister-in-law, letting her know that discussion of politics makes you uncomfortable because you are conservative, not a democrat, don’t want to offend her friends and that you do agree with the church on these hot button issues.

create a catch phrase between your sister in law and yourself like, “how about them Lions”
 
This thread has really helped me, too, with some similar moral conundrums.

Y’all are the best!
 
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