How do I deal with living under an emotionally abusive mother?

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Essentilly what it says on the tin. I’ve grown up with a mother who is very emotionally abusive and whilst I didn’t know it at first, in recent years I’ve seen through her and have done all I can to cope with it. To give more context, this is what she does:

-She is very overprotective to an unhealthy degree. She kept from going places I wanted to go by screaming and disocuraging me, she even prevented me from going out walking and even learning how to take the bus. If I didn’t force myself out of the house to do things I wanted to, I would still be a prisoner here.

-She ‘convinced’ herself that my dad was cheating on her with no one particular. Of course, my dad never EVER cheated on her or showed feelings for other women and ha sbeen working and providing for our family for the past 20 years. Either way she did everything to convince me and my sister that my dad was a bad guy who couldn’t be trusted. I feel she knew that her bull was all fake, I tihnk she merely did it in order to try controlling him and us more. My mother has something in her that makes her doubt how much people love her which is why she does these things. Nowadays if I tell her to shut up and to calm down she accuses me of siding with my dad and to not butt in their argument and if I don’t say anything she still accuses me of siding with him.

-Recently my dad accidently broke a ceramic magnet attached to our fridge as he bumped into it whilst drying the dishes. In retaliation, she grabbed his keyboard and broke it in front of him. He got angry and went upstairs to sleep and then she pointed to me and told me it was all my fault. I told her to shut up because I didn’t even do a single thing. She really did shut up at that.

-She gets angry at me all the time even when I don’t do anything to bother her. It’s common to see her coming home from work all angry at me because of some slight disappointment that happened at work. She will scream at me at how I didn’t finish dinner, tell me to do a host of things all at once and then start screaming and complaining about how my dad and sister around doing a lot around the house.

-If she has a problem she will call me and pour out her spiel all over me. If she complains about how my dad is lazy she will insult him in front of me (behind his back) and call him a host of horrible insults. Then she usually accuses me of siding with him again if I refuse to comment. It takes a lot of effort on my part in order for me to not slap her as it puts a lot of pressure and stress on me.

-If I tell her I have insomnia or depression she refuses to listen and ignores me, tleling me that I have nothing. “Why should you have depression?” she says.

-She once threw a huge hunk of frozen meat at me because I didn’t want to cook. I deleted her from facebook because of that and she still hasn’t apologized to me to this day.

-She refuses to have my sister work around the house. In fact, my own sister never volunteers to do anything. I sometimes brush and dust the lower part of the house; I do so at least once a week and I am the one who cooks dinner everyday. I also have to juggle pursuing my own interests and studying and school. My sister does study but she enver, EVER works around the house and only works if she is forced to by a particularly furious mother. Even then my mother constantly makes excuses for her and always gets me to help her do even simple tasks that my sister is fully capable of doing such as going up the stairs and getting a few cans of food or washing detergent etc… she says she asks me because my sister will get mad. But I get mad too when she shouts for me every 10-5 minutes and it’s especially infuriating when she doesn’t ask you to do things but demands that I do so in an angry and threatening tone.

-If I argue with her a lot she hurls a ton of insults at me that really frankly, hurt. I admit I do shout bad words at her when she gets me particularly angry but it’s only during arguments she starts and never out of the blue. She’ll insult me and berate me using ‘gay’ and ‘******’ and ‘stupid’ insults for even minor mistakes.

-I can’t take her constant anger and self loathing any more and I’m tired of hearing her insult and swear all the freaking time. If she is displeased against someone she will pull all her spiel on my shoulder even if I don’t want to. Every time she does so she depletes me of whatever good mood and energy I had and makes me extremely depressed.

-She discourages me from seeking new interests and when I told her that I wanted to join a martial arts club she told me that I shouldn’t be making plans because I don’t know what will happen.

-She constantly shouts at how she will quit her job just to spite us and how she wishes she were dead. Even if I tell her some good news she will usually say something akin to “That’s if I live long enough to see tomorrow” without any indication of joking around.

Phew. That’s the gist of it. The thing is, other than the usual advice of trying to move out and receiving counselling what can I do? This is a woman who is very hard to reason with and I live in a part of the country that doesn’t really look upon teenagers favorably, I’m at a loss of where to stand and how to deal with her. I am 20 years old, currently attending a college (no, it doesn’t have a campus or dorms. It takes me 15 minutes to get driven there) and currently living under the same roof as both my parents and my sister. I’m screwed if you ask me unless I muster up enough money to move out.
 
You muster enough money to move out.

Until you can do that, you spend as much time at college studying as possible.

Do you have friends you can go visit a few times a week, or a job you can pick up more hours at, just to get away?

Get involved in activities outside the home, so you can meet people and start to build a life apart from this.

Keep reminding yourself that this IS temporary.

Focus on the future you’re building for yourself.

I grew up with parents who were different in many details from what you describe, but I’d say left me feeling much as you’re describing. These things worked for me–as well as anything can work.

A counselor I saw in later years repeatedly told me just to view them as ‘impaired.’ Emotionally distance myself from them.
 
holyrood said:
You muster enough money to move out.

Until you can do that, you spend as much time at college studying as possible.

Do you have friends you can go visit a few times a week, or a job you can pick up more hours at, just to get away?

Get involved in activities outside the home, so you can meet people and start to build a life apart from this.

Keep reminding yourself that this IS temporary.

Focus on the future you’re building for yourself.

I grew up with parents who were different in many details from what you describe, but I’d say left me feeling much as you’re describing. These things worked for me–as well as anything can work.

A counselor I saw in later years repeatedly told me just to view them as ‘impaired.’ Emotionally distance myself from them.
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Well stated.
 
In the meantime, can you talk to a counselor at college? Well, sometimes, they may come out of your Student Activity Fees. So, you may actually be paying for them, anyway. You don’t have to tell anyone you’re going.

This would give you an opportunity to get this off your chest from time to time. There may be group and individual counseling, or both.

A counselor would also probably have experience with similar scenarios, have ideas and know community resources.

If nothing else, hopefully, it could act as a form of support until you can get out on your own. Just a thought.
 
You poor thing. I so agree with the sound advice given above. I can’t improve upon what Holyrood said, so won’t try!

On a side note, and as a newbie to Catholicism, I’m interested in any (name removed by moderator)ut the magesterium has on dealing with “difficult” (in this case, abusive) people…

Back in my not-so-long-ago Protestant days, I remember some Protestants were frustrated by the “Boundaries” best-seller. It’s a book that tries to explain how to have “Christian” boundaries. Some Protestants were like, “boundaries are un-Christian.” 🤷

It may be due to the Calvinist concept of total depravity: humans are totally depraved, and thus unable to think for themselves about how to use their time and who to “let in.” The only solution is to be as Christlike as possible which means giving to everyone, all the time.

I hope I don’t distract from the central question here, though: how the OP can more forward. I do agree 100% with Holyrood.
 
Wow. Sounds like a very toxic environment. Toxic environments and toxic people are a slow releasing poison which kills the joy out of life, love, friendships and family.

Your mother sounds like she has a lot of anger bubbling away under the surface which makes her unpredictable. She may require professional counselling.

The first responder made some very positive suggestions.

Sweetie why not formulate a plan. Use your own words and ideas. An example is below:
  1. Work and save enough to move out. Nobody else needs to know.
  2. Focus on studying hard and gaining good grades.
  3. Talk to someone your mum respects about the problem and see if they will be happy to be present when you discuss it with her. If it were me it would be a Priest or my auntyD.
  4. Talk to mum about her behaviour and how it affects you and the whole family. Do it when she is calm. Have that third party that she respects present.
Use non-judgemental language such as “it makes me feel …when you say/do”. Tell her you love her and want your relationship to grow and mend.

Sometimes having things pointed out in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way will be an agent for real change. Your mum loves you, she has anger management issues that she needs to work on before they destroy her and/or the family. The first step for her is ‘acknowledging’ that she has issues and wants to work on resolving them.

If she responds positively to your discussion, tell her how happy and proud you are of her having taken this first step and have a discussion about professional counselling individually and as a family.

If she responds negatively or aggressively to your discussion. Try to remain stoic and strong. Accept it, don’t get discouraged. You did the best you could. You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. Don’t let her destroy your hopes and plans for a positive future.

Keep saving, studying hard and focus on your future.

:hug1:
 
Mr Ajax,
When i went to CC, I was able to find odd jobs around the school. I helped with registration; helped handicapped students through the health center, etc. Ask around at your school, you may be able to make some money.

Also start looking wherever people post about needing roommates and the like. That way you will start getting an idea of what’s out there and how much it costs.

Also, if you know a good priest, one who takes growing in holiness seriously, talk with hom to help regain some balance. This sort of crazy situation will change how you react to things, and it will help if you can talk with someone else.
 
Does she sometimes have her good days? If so it could be even harder to think of a solution, what with conflicting emotions towards her and whatnot. You mention your sister. How old is she? If there is anyone in the household who’s under 18 who’s being psychologically abused? Also you mention you live in an area that doesn’t stress protection against abuse of adolescents, where is that? It’s really hard to approach an issue like this and I can’t imagine how stressful this must have been for you all these years.

Does your school have someone you can talk to, not just for counseling but for professional advice on how to deal with the issue? Also I’m not sure how good your relationship is with your father, but you may want to have a serious conversation with him about all of this. Living in that kind of environment is not safe for one’s health, especially when that person is going to school. Your mother obviously has psychological problems and needs treatment. Usually treatment can go a long way in situations like this and she’d undergo a lot of improvement if she was psychoanalyzed and given a proper diagnosis. Until then, you may need to continue to confront her and let her know that you are an individual in need of support and a stable mother figure and that you will not be manipulated or verbally attacked. If she doesn’t like it and tells you to leave, then you have grounds to get Child Protective Services involved (if there’s someone in the house under 18). I know that in California and most states on the west, psychology or abuse prevention agencies aren’t looked down upon compared to some other states, but you need a 3rd party to get involved somehow if what you’re saying is as serious as it sounds.
 
Wow OP, I’m very sorry for your situation. It sounds like your mother has serious problems that go way beyond a mere unpleasant temperament. Has she always been like this?

I would echo the advice of getting out of the house if you can. I realize that it’s difficult (economically) these days, but at least start by looking at 3-4 bedroom rentals that you can share with others. Put up flyers at your school - I’m sure there are other college students looking for roommates, especially if there are no dorms on campus. If you work part-time, you should be able to afford paying $300-$400/month in rent.

It’s rare that I would encourage disrespect for a parent - especially while living under his/her roof - but unless your mother is seeking help for her behavior, your best bet is to have as little contact with her as possible since she seems only to get more inflamed when you try to defend yourself. Just give her your back and walk away the moment she starts with one of her tirades. Frankly, there’s nothing you could owe your mother that would entail enduring verbal and physical abuse. Offering a prayer for you (and your father).
 
Get a job and get out. That’s the only way you’re going to get peace. There isn’t anything you can do to improve your mother and the best way to improve your relationship is to be out of each others’ face. My mother is also emotionally abusive, manipulative, depressed, and has a habit of throwing/breaking objects when she gets mad. As soon as I got on my own, our relationship improved instantly. She lost a ton of power because she couldn’t force me to witness/participate in her hissy fits anymore. I know you specifically said you wanted something other than “move out”, but really that’s it. You can’t control what she does and the only thing you can do is grow more tolerant of it, but you don’t really want to get tolerant of emotional abuse, do you?
 
You are not screwed, you just have to carefully read the advice given here and perservere. Keep your eyes on the price which is your adult freedom and ultimately peace. All things are passing and this ordeal will pass too. Get your education and a job and get out. Limit your contact with your mom but try to be as respectful as possible while you are living at home. Keep telling yourself that this will end and remain calm and optimistic. Time is on your side. God is too, so remember to pray and go to Mass and confession. Get busy outside of the house with a job and studying at the library. You can do this! Your mom is actually a sad pathetic sort of person. You can choose to things differently and better and you will.
 
Gu8ys, sorry for the long reply but thank you all for your advice. In a way I do think she does have some personality disorder. She’s not insane but she is such a constant mood swinger it’s tiring especially when I’m on the receiving end most of the time.
 
Wait what? Your area of the country doesn’t look favorably on teenagers? GREAT! Congratulations, you are 20 years old! You’ve been legally able to vote for 2 years. You are an adult!

So…get your license. There are driving schools. Expensive, but worth it. Or take a bus if you have one.

Get a job. Move out. Studio apartment if you have to. Hopefully near a bus line until you can purchase a car. A cheapie used car bu something that works.

In the meantime- do not engage. She guilts, screams, does something else innappropriate, you don’t fight back. You leave the room. You lock your door. You take a walk. You don’t talk, argue, or engage. You keep your cell phone charged and on you at all times, you password that and your laptop, you stay in touch with friends and let them know what’s going on. You don’t rely on your dad to save you- he’s put up with this how long? Obviously he is not a help. At least not for you. Don’t tell your parents you are getting a license or how- just make a plan and follow through.

Also- get a credit check ASAP. Make sure your bank account is secure and not tied to your parents. If it is, take out your money, close the account, and set up a new one (possibly at a different bank).

You need to get out first. There is no living with abuse. After you get out, get therapy. Look for a therapist who is experienced with toxic family/enablement/abuse. Many have sliding scales for pay.

-I’ve got experience with this. Tons of experience. Get your ducks in a row and get out.
 
holyrood said:
You muster enough money to move out.

Until you can do that, you spend as much time at college studying as possible.

Do you have friends you can go visit a few times a week, or a job you can pick up more hours at, just to get away?

Get involved in activities outside the home, so you can meet people and start to build a life apart from this.

Keep reminding yourself that this IS temporary.

Focus on the future you’re building for yourself.

I grew up with parents who were different in many details from what you describe, but I’d say left me feeling much as you’re describing. These things worked for me–as well as anything can work.

A counselor I saw in later years repeatedly told me just to view them as ‘impaired.’ Emotionally distance myself from them.
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This.

I’d add these, too:
Keep in mind that colleges usually offer free counselling services.
You can talk with your dad and decide how to handle your mother’s unacceptable behavior together.
Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. Eccl 4:12

As for your sister, remember that it is considered child abuse to make a child witness the abuse of a parent or fellow sibling. The child who is not made a target does not get off “scot free,” but also suffers from being in the same household with an abuser. Consider that you, too, might do whatever keeps you off of your mother’s radar. That isn’t to say that your sister doesn’t need to get motivated to do better, but to ask this: Aren’t there enough put-downs and harsh judgments in your house as it is? Don’t you want to find a positive way to get your sister to do more around the house? You might talk with your dad about how to accomplish that. Maybe he’ll invite her to do some home care with him, to get her started. It does girls a lot of good to have a good relationship with their dads and the positive regard of their brothers. It will leave her less vulnerable to being lured into bad decisions suggested by the first slimy guys who come along and try to flatter their way into her good graces.

There is a book, Co-Dependent No More, which has quite a bit of good advice on how to enforce your boundaries in a healthy and peaceful way. It is directly about coping with someone who has an addiction, but it really has to do with coping with someone that everyone else around them is tempted to accommodate. Most libraries have it.
 
mrajax said:
Essentilly what it says on the tin.

Phew. That’s the gist of it. The thing is, other than the usual advice of trying to move out and receiving counselling what can I do?

I am 20 years old, currently attending a college (no, it doesn’t have a campus or dorms. It takes me 15 minutes to get driven there) and currently living under the same roof as both my parents and my sister. I’m screwed if you ask me unless I muster up enough money to move out.
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I suggest you check in with the military recruiter at your college (or in your town) and enlist.
You will get out and away…you will get some job training…and you can go back to school later without depending on your parents.

Then you just tell your folks in as nice a sit down as you can manage what you’ve done and when you’re shipping out. Say it nicely…don’t say why…just say you believe it’s a good way for you to go and you’d like their blessing. If you don’t get it, so be it.

Either that or muster up enough money some other way to move out.

If there’s drinking involved with either parent, I’d also suggest seeking al-anon meetings.

Best of luck to you.
 
MacQ said:
I suggest you check in with the military recruiter at your college (or in your town) and enlist.
You will get out and away…you will get some job training…and you can go back to school later without depending on your parents.

Then you just tell your folks in as nice a sit down as you can manage what you’ve done and when you’re shipping out. Say it nicely…don’t say why…just say you believe it’s a good way for you to go and you’d like their blessing. If you don’t get it, so be it.

Either that or muster up enough money some other way to move out.

If there’s drinking involved with either parent, I’d also suggest seeking al-anon meetings.

Best of luck to you.
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Er,no, sorry but no, I don’t want to become a soldier. Even if things worked that way here, I wouldn’t do it as I don’t to make my life miserable in that way. Sorry for sounding mean but no, that’s not good advice as it’s forcing me to become something I do not want tjust to get away from abuse.
 
mrajax said:
Er,no, sorry but no, I don’t want to become a soldier. Even if things worked that way here, I wouldn’t do it as I don’t to make my life miserable in that way. Sorry for sounding mean but no, that’s not good advice as it’s forcing me to become something I do not want tjust to get away from abuse.
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Well, you’re going to have to make some choices. A job with an income would be in order.
You need some way be becoming self supporting. (Not all military are “soldiers”…check into the air force or navy or coast guard).
 
MacQ said:
Well, you’re going to have to make some choices. A job with an income would be in order.
You need some way be becoming self supporting. (Not all military are “soldiers”…check into the air force or navy or coast guard).
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But one would have thought that going somewhere where drill sergeants would be at them constantly would be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire as far as an abused person was concerned.
 
Not trying to dx anyone, but she sounds like she has a personality disorder. I had to live with someone like that once, and it was utter hell. Sadly, the only solution was to move out. People with personality disorders for some reason never seem to want to change, as ppl with depression, anxiety or panic disorders do.

Do try to spend as much time at college as possible while you can.

So sorry for you.
 
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